Choking During Sex: 13 Techniques For Kinkier, Freakier Play

This guide walks through how to choke a partner more safely during sex, also known as erotic asphyxiation. You'll find multiple techniques, tips, positions, and scenarios for using choking with a partner to make it feel intense and thrilling.

But first... we need to be upfront about how genuinely dangerous sexual choking is. To be blunt, we do not recommend ever trying choking during sex.

Choking May Result In Death

Choking a partner can kill them, even with precautions in place and even if you've studied the "right" way versus the "wrong" way to do it. That's not a fun thing to hear, but it's true, and it's happened more than once.

While researching this topic, we came across 2 documented deaths from a partner choking someone with their hands during sex, plus numerous other fatalities from different strangulation methods used during sex or BDSM [1]. The real number of sexual-choking deaths is likely higher than what's documented, given the lack of dedicated research. Partners may avoid reporting for legal reasons, official causes of death may omit the sexual context, or death may not occur immediately.

Here are some of the biggest safety concerns tied to a choking kink:

Brain damage – Cutting off blood and oxygen flow to the brain can result in permanent brain damage [2].

Bruising & other physical trauma – The neck is a delicate area. Rough handling during choking can leave bruising, swelling, and other physical damage.

Carotid artery injury – At least one documented case links erotic choking to carotid artery injury that caused Horner's syndrome [3]. Horner's syndrome results from nerve damage to the eye, causing pupil constriction and a drooping eyelid.

Death – As mentioned already, death is a real possibility, consensual or not [4].

Vision loss – Erotic asphyxiation can trigger a type of hemorrhage leading to permanent vision loss. One study documented a patient experiencing double vision after sexual choking [5].

Psychological trauma – Choking someone without full, enthusiastic consent and shared awareness of the risks can leave both partners with unnecessary emotional harm. One study also found sexual choking associated with sadness, loneliness, depression, and significant anxiety in women — some of those cases involving fully consensual choking-kink scenarios [6].

Sexual choking has also been linked to stroke, heart attack, and paralysis [7].

These are just a handful of the serious risks worth understanding before choking a partner during sex. Note that injuries aren't always immediate — they can surface well after the choking or breath play has ended [4].

Choking Could Have Legal Consequences

Even with a partner's agreement, choking during sex can still land you in legal trouble. Your sexual history could end up being used strategically against you in court, and in the event of an accidental death, you could face murder charges — explaining away a choking fetish won't carry much weight [8].

Choking Requires Communication, Consent & Boundaries

Whatever form choking takes in your sex life, both the person choking and the person being choked need to genuinely be enjoying it. That requires a few things:

Communication – Solid communication matters in any sexual activity, but it's non-negotiable for something as risky as choking. Clear communication tells you when to start, when to stop, and whether you're applying too much or too little pressure to your partner's throat.

We'd advise against ambushing your partner with breath play mid-sex by suddenly grabbing their throat. Talk it over beforehand and ask directly whether it's something they'd want to try. If yes, great. If not, there's a long list of other kinky sex activities worth exploring.

For more, check out our guide on how to have great sexual communication.

Boundaries – One key piece of communication worth calling out separately: discussing limits with your partner before any choking happens. Make sure you're both clear on how far either of you actually wants this to go.

• Is a light hand resting on the neck as far as you want to take it?
• Or are you hoping for something more intense?

Talk through these questions and any others before diving in.

Consent – Consent matters enormously in sex generally, but it's absolutely critical for something as risky as choke play. Never attempt choking without your partner's full, enthusiastic consent, and remember that consent can be withdrawn at any moment, mid-act.

Safe words & when something is wrong – An agreed-upon safe word is essential for keeping any risky sexual activity from spiraling out of control.

That said, speaking a safe word may be physically impossible while being choked, so you'll need another method to signal "stop" — a pre-agreed gesture like blinking, shaking your head, forming a hand shape, or dropping a held object.

But what happens if your partner misses that signal, or you black out before you can give it?

That's precisely why choking during sex is so risky, and why it should only ever happen with a partner you trust completely — someone who genuinely understands how to choke safely and knows the risks involved. That level of trust means they're more likely to already know your limits and stay alert for your safe word or gesture.

How To Choke Someone As Safely as Possible

There is no truly safe way to choke someone. It's inherently dangerous. Full stop.

That won't stop everyone from experimenting with it anyway.

So, assuming...

• You understand the serious risks
• You've discussed it with your partner beforehand
• You've got their consent plus an agreed-upon safe word or gesture...

Here's how to choke a partner with as much caution as possible.

The core principle behind safer choking — as safe as this activity ever really gets — is never choking someone unconscious. How you apply the choke matters immensely. Finesse is everything.

Start VERY Softly – As with any sexual activity, don't launch straight into aggressive choking. Ease into it gradually. Here's a sequence to follow.

• Rest your hand gently on their neck without applying any pressure at all — keep your hand relaxed. Pause and check in with your partner before going any further.
• Apply the lightest touch of pressure, just enough to be "holding" their neck without restricting blood or air flow. Pause and check in again before continuing.
• Tighten your grip slightly so you're holding and gently squeezing their neck. We wouldn't recommend going beyond this level of pressure for any extended stretch of time. Pause and check in once more.
• You can increase pressure gradually in small increments beyond this point, checking in each time and making absolutely sure you're not causing pain. Each time you increase pressure, stop and ask for feedback to confirm your partner's still enjoying it and find out if they want more or less.

Now, here are 13 of our favorite approaches to choking during sex.

1. Their Hand On Your Hand

We'd suggest the person being choked hold onto their partner's hand or wrist throughout, especially early on while you're both still learning.

This gives the person being choked a direct way to communicate.

• For more pressure, they can pull their partner's wrist toward themselves.
• For less, they can push it away.

Bonus tip – This trick also shines during BDSM scenes or roleplay, where the person being choked can act out "fighting off" an attacker, struggling to pry the hands from their throat.

Now let's dig into all the different ways to choke a partner during sex.

2. Lying On Your Back While Getting Choked

This is likely the most common setup for choking during sex — the person being choked lies on their back while their partner is positioned above them. A few positions that work particularly well here:

Missionary position – The male partner is on top and can choke his partner simultaneously. Great for women who enjoy feeling submissive during sex.

Cowgirl position – The male partner lies on his back while his partner, on top, does the choking. This suits women who prefer feeling dominant.

Amazon position – Perfect for women wanting to feel especially dominant. The male partner lies back and pulls his knees to his chest, and his partner straddles him, resting on the backs of his thighs.

3. Getting Choked From Behind

Being choked from behind offers a totally different feel. Plenty of positions and techniques work well here — these are our favorites:

Teaspooning position – Similar to standard Doggy Style, with the female partner on her knees, except she stays upright rather than resting her arms on the bed. That leaves her partner free to reach around and grip her neck. Ideal for women who enjoy feeling dominated and exposed.

Bodyguard position – Similar to Teaspooning, but both partners stand facing the same direction, her back against his front. He can still reach around to grip her neck.

Spooning position – Plenty of women find Spooning ideal for choking — it delivers intense closeness and full-body contact while your partner reaches around from behind to grip your neck. It's a blend of intimacy, dominance, and even a touch of aggression.

4. Face-To-Face Choking

Getting choked while locking eyes with your partner in intense eye contact can feel incredibly hot. Here are three face-to-face positions for this.

Lotus position – We'd recommend mastering choking basics before attempting this trickier position. Once ready, have your partner sit cross-legged, then settle onto his lap with your legs wrapped around his back and arms around his neck. He can then lift a hand to your throat. Extra points if his other hand grips the back of your neck or pulls your hair while he chokes you.

Slow Dance position – If penetration works standing up, face-to-face, this position is great for choking too. Fair warning: height differences can make this awkward. Standing at the edge of a staircase can help even things out.

Mastery position – Here, your partner sits in a large armchair or on the couch while you straddle him on your knees, facing him. Either of you can choke the other from this angle. Bonus points for choking him right as he climaxes.

5. Choking During BDSM

If BDSM already interests you alongside choking, combining the two is worth considering. As always, safety comes first — you don't want to accidentally push your sub too far.

Side note: Many BDSM enthusiasts refer to choking as "breath play." What does that actually mean? Simply any activity that reduces oxygen to the brain, which obviously includes sexual choking.

Bondage – Picture straining against restraints at your wrists and ankles, pinned to the bed, realizing you're entirely at your partner's mercy. Then their hands drift slowly across your body, inching closer and closer to your throat.

You know exactly what's coming.

One hand wraps softly around your neck.

Completely exposed to your partner, you feel their grip tighten while their other hand slides behind your head, gripping your hair. You feel their control as they choke you while pulling your hair down, tilting your chin up to leave your neck bare. Then...

They lean in slowly, closer, closer, until their lips meet yours.

If that scenario sounds appealing, mixing bondage with choking might be worth exploring.

A few more bondage variations to try alongside choking:

• Hands cuffed behind the back.
• Hands bound overhead.
• An arm twisted behind the back while the other hand reaches around to choke — great for police-officer roleplay. Check out 42 kinky role play ideas for more inspiration for you and your partner 😉

Warning: Combining BDSM with choking significantly raises the danger level. Don't take chances here.

A gentler way to dip into BDSM-flavored choking is wearing a collar (or having your partner wear one). You'll feel the material at the throat without the real danger of actual asphyxiation.

Helpful: This guide on bondage for beginners is a great starting point for exploring bondage further.

Dominance & Submission – Choking a partner carries a strong current of dominance. Willingly accepting being choked, meanwhile, is a clear act of submission. If dominance or submission already appeals to you or your relationship, choking could be a natural fit.

• Submission guide – Learn how to lean into submission with a partner.
• Domination guide – Discover how to tap into your dominant side.

Sadism/Masochism – If you're a sadist who enjoys watching a sub or bottom struggle, choking may be worth exploring. The same goes if you're a masochist drawn to this particular sensation.

• In-depth sadomasochism guide.

Even so, S&M still demands full consent, along with genuine knowledge of how to choke safely. Remember: kink is about intensity, not real harm.

6. Two-Handed Choking

We've already touched on using both hands while choking. It's a great way to raise the intensity. Here are a few two-handed variations.

Two-Handed Choke – Instead of one hand around the neck, use two. Simple in concept, but remember to apply noticeably less force with two hands than you would with one.

Choking & Hair Pulling – Wrap one hand gently around your partner's neck, squeezing as you normally would. With your free hand, move to the back of their head. Starting at the nape of the neck, lightly drag your nails upward against the scalp — an incredible sensation.

Once your hand reaches deep into their hair, grip it gently at the base and pull down. Plenty of people love the sensation of hair being pulled, and it comes with the added bonus of tilting the chin up, exposing the throat and heightening vulnerability.

Choking with one hand on the back of your neck – Alternatively, choke your partner normally with one hand while sliding your other hand behind their neck. Use that second hand to tighten the grip carefully — never overdo the pressure here.

If you're extra cautious about safety, simply rest one hand on the back of the neck and the other on the front instead of squeezing at all.

7. Rear Naked Choke

Hands aren't the only option — your forearm works too, when positioned behind your partner. This delivers a much more forceful sensation, appealing if your partner enjoys the idea of a powerful partner controlling them this way. It also raises the danger significantly, since losing consciousness can happen within seconds using this technique.

How to do it – Facing your partner's back, wrap your arm around their neck from behind. Positions that work well include:

• Spooning
• Rear Entry
• Bodyguard
• Bent Spoon

A better way – Given how genuinely dangerous this technique is, we'd suggest applying no pressure at all. Instead, wrap your arm around your partner's neck while keeping a gap between your arm and their throat — resting it lower, near the collarbone, rather than directly against the neck.

Your partner will still feel a strong sense of being dominated and can grip your forearm or push against it if you're playing out a consensual non-consent scenario.

8. Choking With Belts, Leashes, Etc

Some couples keep chasing more intensity and risk during choking play, eventually reaching for items like belts, leashes, or other objects.

It might sound exciting, but the danger here is extreme, and we don't recommend it. The person doing the choking gets far less feedback than they would with their hands.

9. Rough Sex & Choking

Into rough sex? Being thrown around, overpowered, and consumed by a partner appeals to plenty of couples — almost like two animals giving in to instinct rather than tender, deliberate lovemaking.

That alone can be incredibly hot. And...

Adding choking into rough sex can take the intensity up another notch.

Just imagining being pinned and choked while "resisting" your partner can be enough to turn you on. Actually experiencing it takes things to a whole different level.

As always, talk it through beforehand, agree on limits, and settle on a safe word or gesture in case things get too intense.

10. Choking While Kissing

Being choked can make you feel dominated. Being kissed can make you feel loved. Combining both creates a strange, intoxicating mix — like Yin and Yang.

If you're after both sensations at once, try getting kissed while your partner chokes you during sex.

11. Choking During Consensual Non-Consent

Some people refer to consensual non-consent as "rape roleplay." Both partners agree in advance to act out simulated non-consensual sex, along with clear boundaries and a safe word to keep things from spiraling.

Since consensual non-consent involves one partner dominating the other, choking often fits naturally into the dynamic.

Hand over their mouth – To heighten the non-consensual illusion, the dominant partner might choke with one hand while lightly covering the submissive partner's mouth with the other, to "keep them quiet." To be absolutely clear, never fully cover someone's mouth in a way that stops them from speaking or signaling distress.

12. Dominant, Aggressive Choking v Loving, Sensual Choking During Sex

Plenty of couples crave aggressive sex exclusively. The submissive partner wants to feel their dominant partner's power through rough choking.

That's totally fine and healthy.

That said, for many couples, constant intensity eventually starts to feel repetitive.

Most relationships benefit from variety to stay exciting. Quickies, new positions, new locations, and slower, gentler sex all help keep a sex life fresh.

The same logic applies to choking.

It doesn't have to be rough or aggressive every time.

You can choke a partner gently and lovingly instead. Rather than squeezing, apply the lightest pressure — barely any choking at all, just holding their neck in your hand.

That can feel deeply intimate and tender, especially since the neck counts as an erogenous zone.

Layering in kissing intensifies that closeness even more.

13. Choking During Orgasm

Plenty of people report loving choking specifically at the point of orgasm, since it heightens the intensity of the experience.

That sounds tempting, but keep in mind that arousal can raise both pain tolerance and risk-taking, meaning the person being choked might not register even significant pain or manage to use their safe word [9, 10]. If your own judgment already gets a little foggy near climax, oxygen deprivation is only going to further erode your self-control and decision-making.

Bottom line...

Even as an experienced, careful, trusted partner who's watching closely to avoid going too far, you genuinely can't guarantee you're not.

Danger – The risk climbs even higher if you're relatively new to erotic asphyxiation.

Some People Don't Like To Be Choked

Choking during sex looks fairly widespread — one study found roughly two-thirds of people have tried it [11]! But like any kink or sexual activity, it's simply not for everyone. And...

That's perfectly fine.

Plenty of other activities can keep a sex life exciting. Check out these:

• 23 incredible sex tips for women
• 9 tips to be great in bed
• 31 powerful sex techniques for men

Choking FAQ – Frequently Asked Questions About Choking During Sex

We regularly get questions about choking. Here are answers to the most common ones.

1. Why Do Women Like To Be Choked During Sex?

The honest truth:

We're not entirely sure.

Some researchers believe the arousal comes from "cerebral hypoxia," essentially oxygen deprivation to the brain, which can create a sense of euphoria [12].

Others might simply be doing it to please their partner [13].

Our belief – Rather than getting stuck on why you (or anyone) enjoys being choked during sex, it's probably more useful to focus on enjoying it safely with someone you trust and love.

2. Why Do I Have a Choking Kink?

We don't have a definitive answer for why some people are drawn to autoerotic asphyxiation or choking a partner. What we do know is that it's predominantly men choking female partners [4]. The "why" behind that pattern remains fairly unclear.

It could be a personal kink, or tied to hormonal shifts during arousal. Or maybe your partner enjoys being choked, and their pleasure is what turns you on.

Our belief – If you're enjoying safe, consensual choking with your partner, that's great — no need to overanalyze it.

That said, non-consensual choking during sex is illegal. It's abuse, and it can seriously harm your partner. If you're drawn toward that, it's worth speaking with a medical professional.

3. What is it called when you like to be choked?

You likely have a choking kink or fetish. The broader activity is known as erotic asphyxiation, and enjoying it might also point toward a masochistic streak.

4. Why do guys like to hold your throat?

As covered above, more men than women tend to gravitate toward erotic choking. A hand resting on the throat might signal he's curious about going further but is unsure how to bring it up or worried it's too risky to attempt.

If you're interested too, it's worth opening that conversation.

5. Where can I learn how to choke a girl during sex?

If hands-on learning suits you better, consider an in-person class through a local sex shop or BDSM group, taught by experienced kinksters. Workshops led by instructors with medical training offer the safest option.

6. Does Everyone Like Choking in Bed?

Nope. And...

That's completely fine.

Choking kink appeals to some people and not others. For some, it can even leave them feeling upset after sex.

As mentioned already, plenty of other activities can fill that space instead. These include:

• Giving your partner a blow job
• Performing cunnilingus on your partner
• Having anal sex
• Talking dirty during sex
• Improving and prolonging your foreplay

Unfortunately, some people try choking not because they genuinely want to but because their partner does. In a healthy, mutual relationship, though, you should always be free to say "no" to any activity — choking included.

It's hard to overstate just how dangerous choking during sex really is. Our advice: don't attempt it, given the very real risk of death.

Plenty of other exciting sexual activities exist to try with a partner instead. And you'll find them all on Love Curi 🙂

March 29, 2023