17 Intimate Sex Techniques To Make Your Sex Life More Passionate

Plenty of people mix up sex and intimacy, but they're not the same thing. Sex can be wild and sweaty with zero intimacy involved. It can also be tender, slow, and deeply intimate. This guide walks you through exactly how to have that passionate, loving, intimate kind of sex. You'll pick up 17 intimate sex techniques, 7 positions, and plenty more along the way.

If life's kept you busy, sex may have slipped into routine, and the closeness you're after might feel out of reach. That happens both in and out of the bedroom — but it doesn't have to stay that way!

Let's start with what actually makes sex feel intimate.

What Makes Sex Intimate?

You'd think defining intimate sex would be straightforward, but the details actually shift from person to person, couple to couple. For plenty of people, an emotional element is essential for sex to feel intimate. Others manage to find intimacy even in more casual encounters.

Related: 12 Pitfalls of Casual Sex + Why You Should Do It, Anyway

Some would argue all sex carries intimacy by nature. You're undressing and sharing pleasure with another person, after all. The sights, sounds, touch, and even scent involved in sex can feel genuinely intimate. Yet others can't quite let their guard down fully during casual hookups, so it doesn't register as intimate for them. Even long-term partners can struggle to feel truly intimate sex when there's tension in the relationship.

All this is to say there's no single definition of intimate sex that fits everyone, but broadly speaking, intimate sex happens when you're sharing more than pleasure — you're sharing a connection built on some level of vulnerability.

If you can find intimacy without emotional investment, more power to you… just make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

Now that you've got a handle on what intimate sex means, here are some ideas that can make sex feel more intimate.

(Keep in mind these elements aren't strictly required, but they can shed light on why intimate sex sometimes feels out of reach, or why it doesn't always land the way you'd hoped)

17 Intimate Sexual Activities

What qualifies as intimate sex varies from person to person, couple to couple. Still, here are some of the most common ingredients.

1. Vulnerability: Being vulnerable means staying open and honest — about what turns you on or how you feel about your partner. Talking openly, holding eye contact, saying "I love you" — all of that counts as vulnerable. So does stripping down entirely, keeping the lights on, not hiding your stomach, and letting your body look or sound however it naturally will during sex. Vulnerability means dropping your guard and showing your partner your humanity, flaws included.
2. Eye contact: Locking eyes with your partner builds a real sense of connection and deepens intimacy. Skip it, and you might feel a bit objectified instead. That's part of why so many people gravitate toward Missionary style and other face-to-face positions. Check out our most popular sex positions with demonstrations here.
3. Kissing: Some people have a personal rule against kissing no-strings partners. The flip side is that kissing tends to be non-negotiable if you want sex to feel intimate. Skipping it during morning sex? Keep mints and water within reach. Read this post on how to kiss to sharpen your technique.
4. Oral sex: Much like kissing, oral sex is something many couples reserve exclusively for romantic partners rather than one-night stands.
5. Sensate focus: Sensate focus, a technique that can make sex feel more intimate, was originally created as a treatment for sexual concerns at the Masters & Johnson Institute in the 80s [1]. It offers partners a judgment-free way to explore each other's bodies through touch.
6. Full body contact: Sex without eye contact, kissing, or touch beyond the genitals is entirely possible — it's just not particularly intimate! Full-body contact is what really fosters connection. Press your chest against his, wrap your arms around his neck, drag your nails across his back or arms, rub your leg and foot against his — you get the idea. Aim to keep contact happening in at least two spots at once, and intimate sex is basically guaranteed.
7. Sensual massage: Building on the last point, sensual massage delivers serious skin-to-skin contact with your partner. It works beautifully as foreplay and doesn't have to lead anywhere further if you don't want it to! But when it does, expect good things. Once he's worked his hands over every inch of you, oiling your skin with a quality massage product, you'll feel more relaxed and primed for sex than ever.
8. Caring for your partner's desire: One key difference between casual and relationship sex, especially for men, comes down to genuine concern for a partner's pleasure and orgasm. Unfortunately, it's often the default for men to finish while women don't, sometimes without enough foreplay to even get them in the mood. Oral sex is often expected from women but not reciprocated by men, and foreplay can be nearly nonexistent. This pattern can persist into relationships with selfish or inexperienced partners. Genuine mutual care flips that script and makes sex noticeably more intimate (and enjoyable)!
9. Saying "I love you": For plenty of people, this is the ultimate intimacy booster during sex. Voice your adoration for your partner. Tell him you've missed him, or how good it feels to be this close. Compliment his skills in bed, or just compliment him for being your man. It'll leave you both feeling great.
10. Condomless sex and ejaculation: For some, nothing beats the intimacy of sex without a condom — the kind of thing you do once you're committed or actively trying to conceive. Beyond the sex itself, feeling a partner finish inside you (sometimes called a creampie) can represent the pinnacle of intimate lovemaking.
11. Using names: There's something undeniably hot about hearing your name moaned in bed, but it can feel sweet and intimate too. It's a reminder that your partner is fully present with you.
12. Holding hands: It might seem tame, but holding hands during sex genuinely brings you closer to your partner. Reach for his hand while he goes down on you, or lace your fingers through his while riding him.
13. Talking and laughing: Plenty of people take sex a little too seriously, treating it almost like a job — no talk, barely a moan, and zero room for laughter. We'd argue the opposite: talking and laughing are exactly what make intimate sex feel so intimate. Chat with your partner. Laugh with him (never at him). You're the same person naked as you are with clothes on, so there's no need to compartmentalize sex from the rest of your life. It keeps you happier and healthier, and matters for plenty of relationships!
14. Sharing fantasies: Think sex talk and sharing your fantasies isn't intimate? Think again. Few things feel more intimate than confessing your secret desires and the thoughts running through your head during masturbation. Sharing fantasies with your partner can be thrilling on its own, and learning what he wants can pull you even closer together.
15. Slow it down: Quickies are great when time or energy is limited, but they're not exactly built for maximum intimacy. So slow everything down instead. Make out and dry hump generously beforehand. Take your time undressing each other. Kiss your way across his body, lingering on his erogenous zones. Don't rush straight to penetration, and once you get there, keep your movements slow and languid. Savor the feeling of him inside you, on top of you. Memorize every detail of his face and body. Move your hips in a figure-8 or circular motion rather than quick thrusting. If either of you gets too close to the edge, pull back, slow down, and return to kissing.
16. Cuddle: There's a stereotype that only women enjoy post-sex cuddling, but plenty of men do too. Cuddling and physical contact release oxytocin, the so-called "cuddle" hormone, which fosters a sense of bonding — genuinely great for intimacy! Rest your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. There's also something comforting about not having to leap out of bed and back into reality right away. Cuddling gives you a buffer before kids, chores, and other obligations come calling on the other side of the bedroom door! Some also count it among the best forms of BDSM aftercare. More on BDSM aftercare here.
17. Pillow talk: Cuddling often pairs with pillow talk — that satisfied, sometimes drowsy or silly conversation that follows genuinely intimate sex, when neither of you is in a rush to grab your clothes and leave.

None of these are mandatory for a real sexual connection, and intimate sex doesn't need to be the goal every single time you undress. For some, intimate sex marks the line between "making love" and simply having sex, or just fucking. For others, the slow, sensual slower sex style you'd see in a movie is the height of intimacy.

Intimate Sex Positions

Because intimacy means different things to different people, not everyone agrees on which sex positions foster it best. That said, positions allowing eye contact or kissing tend to top most people's lists as sexually intimate.

Others feel closest in positions maximizing physical contact. Nail all three at once, like in Missionary, and you may have hit the intimacy trifecta.

Of course, a position doesn't need any of those traits to still count, as this next list shows.

1. Cowgirl – Cowgirl still allows eye contact, kissing, hand-holding, and close body contact. With your partner on the bottom, he can wrap his arms around you and hold you close as you lean in.
2. Spooning – Kissing and eye contact aren't really possible here, but your bodies press so tightly together you can practically feel each other's heartbeat — a powerful sign of connection!
3. Lotus – Lotus puts you face-to-face with your partner, almost impossibly close. It's a tricky position that won't suit every couple, but it's worth trying if you're reasonably flexible.
4. Face to Face – Sit on the edge of a bed or sofa while your partner kneels in front of you for penetration. You'll need furniture of the right height, but nail it, and this position feels incredibly intimate!
5. Slow Dance – If your heights line up, standing face-to-face penetration is worth a try. It's a tougher position to hold for long, though.
6. Back Seat Driver – Sitting in your partner's lap with your back pressed against him, feeling his breath and kisses on your neck and shoulders, practically guarantees closeness. This position delivers exactly that.
7. Mastery – Finally, try straddling your partner's lap while he sits.

If none of these positions grab you, check out our ultimate list of sex positions, featuring over 100 options!

Don't Be Afraid to Ask For Intimate Sex

You might assume only women crave intimate lovemaking, but that's simply not true. Plenty of men want and enjoy intimate sex too.

When Justin Lehmiller surveyed over 4,000 Americans about their sexual fantasies, romance and intimacy came up as a recurring theme. Most men and women reported fantasies rooted in passion and romance [2 p 72]. Lehmiller further notes that "the vast majority of both men and women (more than 70 percent) said that they rarely or never have fantasies about emotionless sex [2 p 87]." Fantasy and lived experience aren't identical, of course, but they overlap enough to suggest men crave emotional and intimate sex just as much.

Don't just take our word for it — here's what a few men on Reddit had to say.

I really do like eye contact, but I like even more to feel her breathing on my neck and ear, to feel close to each other, during sex, sometime I like to just slow down for a bit, make my thrusts strong but slow, and just embrace each other… – magic8ball_x

Or this one:

It's the feeling of being in complete control of someone else's pleasure.

It's the feeling of having someone else be completely in control of your pleasure.

It's the feeling of blood pumping through every part of you.

It's the fact that it's hot, really hot, you get sweaty or if it's winter you don't feel cold.

It's feeling their skin on yours.

It's reaching down and grabbing her waist and feeling like you're holding her entire being.

It's looking directly in her eyes and knowing that she wants it too.

It's the sounds she makes because she can't help it.

It's making sounds you'd never be comfortable making anywhere else and seeing her react.

It's wanting to put your mouth on every inch of her.

It's teasing but knowing that the teasing will come to an end.

It's feeling like you are in one of those ridiculous romantic sex scenes but somehow it's not ridiculous.

It's feeling like that person is yours.

If you're lucky, it's watching someone you really care about experience something amazing while you do too; like you've both just tasted your favourite flavour of ice cream for the first time.

It's not wanting to be anywhere else afterwards.

It's feeling sleepy and just surrounding yourself with that other amazing person who you just did that amazing thing with.

It's falling asleep feeling like the sexiest, greatest person who ever lived. – WaltimusPrime

Men value what happens outside the sex too:

We hooked up but we literally spent so much time just by ourselves in that room in the bed talking cuddling and everything. That was more intimate for me than screwing the entire time (which was still just as awesome!)…hell we woke up in the morning just kind of being all cutsie and spent more time together before we had to get up. Makes the sexual side feel healthy that way as well. Makes me know theres something more than just trying to get a nut off. – [deleted]

We're sharing all of this to drive home one point: one of the best intimate sex tips is simply to talk about sex — and honestly, that applies to nearly every kind of sex.

What About Simultaneous Orgasm?

Pop culture would have you believe simultaneous orgasm is both the most intimate and the single best way to have sex, but…

that's just not how it plays out in reality!

Don't misunderstand us — orgasms feel great and release plenty of built-up tension. Women should absolutely learn how to orgasm, but pleasure and satisfying sex are entirely possible without one.

In fact, chasing orgasm as the goal, simultaneous or otherwise, can make it harder to actually get there, especially if orgasming or finishing consistently is already a struggle for you. It can happen by accident sometimes, but timing it deliberately takes real body awareness from both partners. It's achievable, but tricky, and you don't want sex to feel like a chore or a letdown if it doesn't happen.

Honestly, we usually recommend focusing on pleasure and connection over orgasm entirely. Like most things in life, sex is about the journey rather than the destination, and there's a whole lot more that can make sex feel intimate besides climaxing.

Intimate Sex Doesn't Have to Be Vanilla

If your tastes run kinky, you might worry intimacy requires vanilla sex. Or maybe you already know just how intimate kink, bondage, discipline, and similar activities can actually be. Journalist Michael Castleman describes it well:

But [BDSM] aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact and play. People can have sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond.

That's intellectually accurate, but reading about BDSM is nothing like living it. Handing over power, or taking control while genuinely caring for someone's needs and pleasure, can be intimate on a whole different level. The trust BDSM demands for safety means you're unlikely to try it with just anyone.

Related: 8 Vital BDSM Rules To Keep It Safe, Sane & Crazy-Kinky

Science backs up the intimacy-BDSM connection too. One study found couples reported greater relationship closeness and intimacy after a scene [3].

Roadblocks to Intimate Sex

The Menstrual Cycle – Your menstrual cycle can play a role here too. Some women feel closer to their partners at certain points in their cycle, or notice a libido spike. Either can push you toward craving more intimate sex, or simply make sex feel more intimate on its own.

Research here is limited, though one survey found women in the most fertile phase of their cycle rated kissing as more important than during other phases [4]. Staying attuned to your own body and desires helps you spot these patterns, much like tracking mood shifts. Intimacy can even fluctuate throughout the day [5], so try having sex in the late afternoon, evening, or early morning for potentially more intimate results.

Medical Conditions – Medical conditions, or medications that blunt emotion or dull your mental state, can shape how intimate sex feels. It may be worth discussing depression, mood disorders, or medication concerns with your doctor if they're affecting your sex life.

No Connection – Once physiological factors are ruled out as a barrier to intimate sex, it may be time to examine the relationship and partner themselves. Sleeping with someone new, or someone you haven't built rapport with over time, tends to make sexual intimacy harder to reach.

Brand New & Casual Relationships – Research shows women's sexual satisfaction tends to grow over time within a relationship [6]. On top of that, some people simply won't or can't be vulnerable with casual partners, rejecting efforts to connect and creating another barrier to intimacy in bed.

Selfish Partners – Similarly, partners who are selfish or inattentive to your needs and pleasure can leave sex feeling distinctly unintimate, even within a long-term relationship. Since sexual compatibility matters so much, it's fine if this becomes a dealbreaker for you.

Relationship Issues – Feeling insecure, unhappy, or unloved in your relationship can drag your sex life down with it. Maybe it's lingering resentment from a recent fight, or something that's been simmering beneath the surface — either way, it can leave you feeling disconnected and unsatisfied.

Research consistently links sexual and relationship satisfaction [7], and an anxious attachment style in either partner adds another documented link between the two [8].

Your Mind Says Yes, But Your Body Says No & Vice-Versa – Finally, sometimes your body's willing but your mind isn't ready to play along, and no position on earth will fix that. Struggling to escape your own head during sex can crush any sense of intimacy, and mindfulness practices might genuinely help.

These practices can help you get wetter [9 p 111], feel more satisfied with sex [10, 11, 12], and improve your sexual function [13, 14]. Mindfulness also offers benefits beyond sex, including relief from stress and anxiety [15, 16].

Related: How To Get Wet For Sex FAST

Dr. Lori Brotto, a mindfulness researcher, describes a 12-week program of online modules built around brief daily mindfulness exercises that boosted participants' "sexual and emotional intimacy in addition to their communication skills when compared to the control group [9 p 191]. Overall, mindfulness proves to be a genuinely valuable tool for addressing sexual dysfunction of many kinds.

Hear more from Dr. Brotto herself in our podcast interview about mindfulness.

Plenty of intimate sex techniques exist to help you get exactly the kind of sex you're after, depending on what's holding you back — but ultimately, being intimate in bed comes down to understanding what sexual intimacy actually means to you.

Resources

This guide to sensate focus can help you build more intimacy in the bedroom.

Learn how good sex can bring you closer to your partner in this Psychology Today article.

If intimacy during sex feels like a struggle, Dr. Brotto's book Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire is worth a read.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Why doesn't sex feel intimate for me?

We've already covered several barriers to intimate sex: a selfish partner, unresolved relationship issues, being too anxious or stuck in your head, or focusing purely on genitals instead of the whole body. Sexual intimacy demands vulnerability from both people, so if either partner isn't open, the experience can end up feeling flat.

Work toward finding the right partner, leaning into foreplay, staying present, and treating sex as a journey rather than a destination to build connection.

FAQ #2 – How can I be more intimate without having sex?

While this article centers on sexual intimacy, plenty of ways exist to be intimate without sex at all. Some people even view sex as purely about pleasure and prefer to build intimacy through other channels entirely. Non-sexual intimacy builds on vulnerability and openness.

Talk about your hopes and dreams, share your insecurities, let your flaws show, and support each other through hard times. Talking about sex can even build intimacy outside the bedroom.

Physically, intimacy can look like talking, cuddling, kissing, hand-holding, or bathing and grooming one another.

FAQ #3 – How can I be intimate in a long-distance relationship?

Sexual and emotional intimacy inevitably look a little different across a long-distance relationship. Luckily, technology — whether through your phone or computer — opens up more options than ever for building different kinds of intimacy. Phone calls can feel especially intimate, and video chat adds a visual layer on top.

Both mediums work for sexual activity too, and you can record audio or video to send to your partner.

Internet- or app-controlled sex toys can add physical intimacy even across distance, and playing sexual games together can help you feel closer as well.

None of this requires high-tech solutions, either. Physical letters, complete with photos and a spritz of your scent to stir his senses, still work wonders. Sometimes a tangible gift or scrapbook lands with more impact than a constant stream of texts or Snapchats.

January 12, 2021