The Complete Guide To Slow Sex & Deeper Orgasms

Feeling stuck in a sexual rut? Maybe you rush through it and it feels more like a chore, or you barely have it at all these days. Have you lost touch with how amazing sex can feel? Do you need a reminder of your own sexual side? Slow sex might be exactly the fix for some of this, here's why…

As a woman, you might have wondered why you don't always feel in the mood going in, yet end up enjoying it once things get rolling. You, or your partner, might frame that as a problem. But research actually shows it's quite common for women to feel desire only after sexual activity has already started, not necessarily before [1].

Scientists and sex educators refer to this as "responsive" desire. While some women do experience spontaneous desire, more typical of men, plenty of women primarily experience responsive desire instead [2 p 225].

On top of that, women's mental and physical arousal states don't always line up [3]. You might be mentally turned on while your body hasn't caught up yet, or the reverse.

It's no surprise, then, that women can take a while to become physically aroused, if it happens at all in the moment. Jumping straight into sexual activity, especially penetration, can be genuinely uncomfortable before full arousal sets in [4]. Foreplay, whether manual or oral stimulation, gives your body the chance to catch up. Arousal involves blood flow to the genitals, driving vaginal lubrication [5] and swelling [6, 7]. On top of making sex less painful, arousal also significantly boosts your odds of pleasure and orgasm [8].

Read more in our guide to female sexual desire.

It's tempting to view these traits of female sexuality negatively, especially if your partner experiences spontaneous desire or doesn't prioritize your arousal. But reframe it as an opportunity: slowing down gives your desire room to build and helps you sidestep unwanted or uncomfortable experiences.

That's exactly what slow sex offers. And if you're among the women capable of multiple orgasms (or want to learn how), taking things slow can help you get there more easily.

Other perks include more room to experiment, and gentler treatment of your joints and muscles (great if you deal with arthritis, mobility issues, or are recovering from an injury).

Finally, slowing down, even without any bedroom issues to fix, is a great way to deepen emotional connection with your partner, build intimacy, and truly make love rather than just have sex.

Of course, not every woman experiences responsive desire or wants slow sex every time. Sometimes a quickie is exactly what you need, but slow sex is still a great tool to keep in your back pocket (or nightstand) for when the mood calls for it.

How to Have Slow Sex

Don't Skip Foreplay

The single best way to slow sex down is adding more foreplay, the activities that traditionally precede intercourse. It also helps to broaden your definition of "sex" beyond just intercourse. Otherwise, it's easy to treat making out, manual stimulation, toys, or other clitoris-focused activities, which many women need or prefer in order to orgasm [9], as lesser than intercourse and skip right past them.

That's obviously not going to help you slow things down.

No wonder the orgasm gap is as wide as it is!

Foreplay sets the tone before clothes even come off, keeping you from racing to the finish line. It also gets more of your bodies involved in the experience overall.

If foreplay isn't usually part of your routine, you might question its value, after all, getting straight to the main event works fine too. But foreplay brings real benefits. It eases you into the right headspace, can shift you from "kind of in the mood" to fully ready, boosts lubrication, and loosens up muscles, which makes things like anal sex more comfortable. Foreplay balances relaxation with sexual buildup, and that's a genuinely great combination.

You'll find our full foreplay advice here, but in the meantime, here are a few slow sex tips guaranteed to make an impression!

• Start way ahead of time. Like, way ahead. Tell your man you plan to tear his clothes off after work before you even leave in the morning. Send a flirty text (get ideas here), maybe with a photo, during your break. Map out what you'll do together, and mention if you think he'd enjoy it. Pick out lingerie and toys ahead of time and have them ready for when he gets home.
• Leave your clothes on. At least at first. Blow his mind with nothing but your kissing skills. Explore his body through his clothes. Stay dressed during an intense grinding session that might even finish one or both of you off. Remember how it felt as a teenager? Turn it into a game and see who can hold out longest.
• Use your hands. Tonight isn't the night to skip hand jobs and fingering. Remember how good those simple things can feel! Fisting is another activity that genuinely rewards taking things slow.
• Give and receive oral. It's fairly standard for a woman to go down on her man during sex, and we've written a full guide on that. But the favor doesn't always get returned fairly. Make sure your man spends real time on your clit. Encourage him to go down on you and let him know when he's doing it right. He may want to learn how to eat your pussy the right way too.
• Use your whole body, not just the obvious parts. Most people default to hands, mouth, and genitals during sex, but there are plenty of other body parts, including some unexpected ones, capable of generating pleasure. These sensual spots are known as erogenous zones. Check out his erogenous zones and your erogenous zones for inspiration.

From there, you can bring in sex toys, a full-body sensual massage (learn how to give a massage), or anything else that stokes your desire. Slowly cuffing your partner and adding a blindfold, for instance, can build serious anticipation. Learn more in our guide to light bondage.

Set The Pace

Slowing sex down also means literally slowing the physical tempo. These techniques can help.

• Pick slow, sensual songs to play while making love unhurriedly. Save the hard-hitting rock for quickies, and choose something built for a slower vibe instead. Browse our ultimate sex song playlist for ideas.
• Practice mindful breathing to naturally slow the pace. Mindfulness also helps you relax and de-stress more fully (this applies to men too) [10, 11], and stay present in the moment. Mindfulness practices have also been linked to better lubrication [12 p 111], greater sexual satisfaction [13, 14, 15], and improved overall sexual function [16, 17]. Check out this podcast about mindfulness and sex with the doctor who's studied it.
• Try incredibly slow penetration, where your man enters bit by bit, letting you feel every inch.
• Whoever's leading can count thrusts. How long a pause can you handle between them? Can he thrust slowly enough that you can literally count the seconds?
• Bring in tantric sex techniques like breathing together. Find out why tantric sex is so good.
• Get on top to control the pace and angle yourself. Learn how to master Cowgirl positions. Feeling a little self-conscious? Discover how to feel confident when you're on top.
• Try circular hip movements instead of the usual back-and-forth. This adds grinding stimulation for your clit. The coital alignment technique is another way to align your bodies and break away from standard thrusting.
• Turn it into a game with a timer. Start with 10 minutes of deep kissing, pretty much a must for slow, sensual sex, then move into 10 minutes of sensual massage. What you do and how long you spend on it is entirely up to you. The point is simply resisting the urge to rush, even when you want to. By the time penetration finally happens, you'll be craving it.
• Tune into each of your senses. What are you seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing, or feeling right now? Really sit with those sensations.
• Focus on the journey, not just the destination. Fixating purely on orgasm can push you to rush through sex. Instead, aim for the broader pleasure, intimacy, and connection that slow, passionate sex delivers, and let orgasm arrive in its own time.

If slowing down feels foreign outside the bedroom too, adjusting to soft, slow sex might take some practice. Mindfulness habits built outside the bedroom can carry over here as well.

Don't forget to use plenty of lube during slow sex too, it keeps things slick and prevents soreness.

Take Breaks

Even while going slow, pausing here and there can be a fun way to catch your breath and stretch out the whole experience. Surprised that sex doesn't have to be one continuous burst of activity? It doesn't have to be!

If his arms are tired, he's getting too close to finishing (more on that shortly), or you're feeling a bit sore, take a break. Cuddle, laugh, grab a snack if you're in the mood. Ease back into making out, grinding, or simply tracing your hands over each other before returning to slow, sensual sex.

During the pause, your man might lose some of his erection, but that's totally fine. Your hand or mouth can bring him back easily. You can also experiment with pausing right after your own orgasm, since many women become too sensitive to keep going right afterward anyway.

A Man's Orgasm And Slow Lovemaking

Slow, gentle sex requires intention rather than just letting things happen naturally. It's easy to fall back into rushed habits, and for most couples, sex tends to wrap up once the man finishes. That makes slow sex trickier if your partner tends to finish quickly. Check out our tips on making sex last longer, many of which double as solid slow sex advice. But to really slow things down, most men need to learn how to delay their own orgasm.

Psst, are you a guy hoping to learn how to last longer in bed?

There are products built to help with this. Lubes, creams, and even condoms containing benzocaine, the most common delay-inducing ingredient, are widely available [19, 20]. That said, there are potential downsides.

1. He may struggle to orgasm at all.
2. Sex could end up lasting longer than intended because of the product.
3. Either or both of you could feel too numb down there, actually reducing pleasure.
4. A reaction is possible, so test a small patch of skin first, like the inside of your wrist.
5. You might not notice if something's wrong due to the numbing effect [21].

Treat these products as a last resort, and stick to using them only inside a condom to protect your own sensation.

Overall, mixing things up is one of the best ways to extend how long it takes him to finish. Don't just let him thrust the same way the whole time, switch directions and positions. Choose slow sex positions that offer him less direct stimulation. If deep, slow sex pushes him too close to the edge, try shallower, slower thrusts instead.

Alternate between oral, vaginal, and manual stimulation. Play with light, teasing thrusts. Wrap your legs around him to hold him deep inside, or use your thighs to keep him just at the entrance.

Edging works well for either of you too. Edging means getting close to orgasm without letting it happen, backing off, then building back up again. Repeat as long as you can stand it. The eventual orgasm tends to be incredible.

For men, learning to orgasm without ejaculating is another way to extend sex, generally achieved through one of two methods. The first is prostate stimulation, easiest to do with a finger while he's inside you, if you can reach.

Read more about prostate massage.

The second method involves wrapping your fingers around the base of his scrotum and pulling down firmly right as he orgasms [22]. Just don't pull hard enough to cause pain.

Both techniques take practice to get right, so don't stress if the first attempt doesn't go smoothly. It's also worth giving your man a heads-up about what you're planning so it's not a total surprise.

Also worth remembering: sex doesn't have to end just because he's finished. You can keep masturbating, he can go down on you or finger you, or you can grab your favorite toy for him to use on you. Feel free to rewrite what "sex" and "finished" mean during any session, not just the slow, deep ones!

Most of this guidance around slow lovemaking focuses on the time before your partner ejaculates. Why? Because a lot of men roll over and fall asleep right after their own orgasm, much to their partner's frustration. That said, it's not entirely his fault.

After orgasm, men experience a surge in prolactin [23], which suppresses dopamine [24], leading to a temporary energy crash. Dopamine is a big part of why sex feels so good in the first place, tied closely to the brain's reward system [25]. Interestingly, if your partner drifts off quickly after sex, that might actually heighten your own craving for cuddling and closeness afterward [26].

If your man gets sleepy before you've finished, you might not end up feeling as satisfied as he does while he's dozing off. Rather than fighting biology, use timing strategically instead.

That doesn't mean sex has to stop the moment he orgasms, either. Every man goes through a refractory period after climaxing, during which getting erect again isn't possible [27, 28, 29]. During this window, sexual interest can drop off and further stimulation may feel underwhelming or even uncomfortable, not unlike how many women need a break from direct clitoral stimulation right after their own orgasm.

This refractory period can last from a few minutes to several days [30, 31], and it tends to lengthen with age [32]. But if your partner's refractory period is short, you can stay connected, cuddling or enjoying your own pleasure, until he's ready to go again.

Make Sure You Actually Have Time

Finally, slow, sensual sex simply isn't possible without setting time aside for it. So carve that time out deliberately. Silence your phones, lock the door, close the shades. Ship the kids off to grandma's for the night. Give yourselves the privacy to take it slow and be as loud as you want.

Mornings are ideal for slow, easy sex. Before you've even brushed your hair or teeth, settle into the Spooning position (a great slow sex position), let him enter you, and just feel him move slowly and deeply.

This can be a tough shift if you view sex as something that should always happen spontaneously. But scheduling sex can genuinely transform your sex life, guaranteeing the time and privacy you need to slow down and really savor your partner.

If everyday life keeps crowding out your sex life, consider booking a hotel room for the night, or even just an afternoon. A new setting can also add a real thrill to the experience!

Read More: 13 Ways to Have Incredible, Wild & Filthy Hotel Sex

Slow, Sensual Sex: A Step-By-Step Example

So what does it actually look like when you put all this together?

One or both of you decide you want sex later that day. You duck into the bathroom at work to snap a photo of your panties and send it to him before heading back to your desk. He's clearly turned on and tells you he can't wait until tonight.

You get home a bit before he does and freshen up. You pull out your favorite lingerie and step into sky-high heels, you know exactly how to dress sexy! You greet him at the door dressed like this, and his jaw practically drops. He wants you naked immediately, but you make him wait.

Instead, you lead him to the bedroom, kissing slowly and running your hands across his body. Maybe you even give him a little lap dance to music you spent all day picking out in your head! You can feel him getting hard already, and you happily go down on him. He's harder than ever and eager to return the favor. He slides off your panties and slowly licks your clitoris while fingering you.

He decides to have some fun and cuffs you to the bed with your favorite restraints. That frees him up to run his hands over you, groping, pinching, and massaging exactly as he pleases. You're more than ready for penetration, and he finishes undressing. But he lingers between your legs until you're nearly begging. He slides in slowly and keeps a maddening, unhurried pace. If your hands were free, you'd be clawing at him, but they're not.

He'll rotate his hips in slow circles, brushing your G-spot while grinding against your clit during this deep, slow rhythm. When he needs a breather, he unties you and you climb on top. Now you're setting the pace. But you want this to last, so you mix in a bit of pain with the pleasure, a pinch here, a scratch there.

When he tells you he's getting too close, you pause the slow penetration and let him finger you until you finish. You shift into doggy style, and he keeps his thrusts measured and deliberate. Your breathing starts to sync up as you both approach the edge. You finish (again) first, but you're not done yet. Instead, you take him into your mouth and reach around to press firmly against his prostate. He orgasms without ejaculating, letting the two of you keep going.

We're confident you can take it from here!

Of course, sometimes you just don't have the time or energy for slow sex, and that's fine too. Check out our guide to quickies to make the most of a short window! But when time allows, deep, slow sex can be exactly what you need.

Resources

The Shepherd Express examines whether numbing agents in condoms and lube are bad for you.

The Irish Times digs into why men fall asleep after sex.

Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Dr. Lori Brotto teaches you how to remain in the moment during sex to improve your sex life.

Check out Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz if you need some guidance for clitoral stimulation.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – How do I get my man on board with slow, gentle sex if we always do it the same way or only have quickies?

Start by talking about it. Sexual communication is essential for a satisfying sex life. It's unlikely either of you will naturally deliver exactly what the other wants without some adjustment. If you're not willing to discuss it, how can anything actually change?

This conversation shouldn't come across as criticism, just as a suggestion for ways to connect more deeply and enjoy more pleasure together. Explain how your body responds, and invite him to suggest his own ideas for slowing sex down or adding new elements.

You may need an actual plan for slowing things down, whether that's scheduling sex, taking the lead, or trying one of the games mentioned earlier.

FAQ #2 – What if sex ends up too slow?

It might sound strange in an article all about slow, intimate sex to admit that sex can be too slow, but it's true sometimes. Going too slow risks one or both of you losing mental interest, or your bodies losing arousal (less blood flow means more dryness for you and less firmness for him). If penetration drags on too long without the right slow sex techniques, it can turn uncomfortable.

Sex doesn't need to be as slow as physically possible, just slower than what you're used to.

FAQ #3 – Is something wrong with me if I don't enjoy slow, intimate sex?

Not at all. Everyone has their own preferences. If you crave a lot of intensity, soft, slow sex might just not do it for you. Maybe sex and emotional connection simply aren't linked for you personally.

That said, slow sex can also leave you feeling exposed or vulnerable, whether that's admitting real feelings for a partner or letting him really look at your body for more than a passing moment. If those feelings weigh on you heavily, professional therapy can genuinely help.

November 20, 2020