Becoming Good In Bed: 9 Essential Building Blocks

Becoming good in bed isn't something that clicks overnight — it takes time to figure out what actually pleases your man and satisfies him sexually. Fortunately, Love Curi is packed with everything you need to learn how to properly satisfy your man in bed, every single time.

Before diving into how to be good in bed, we first need to pin down what that phrase even means. Easier said than done, honestly. There's no universal definition of what makes someone good in bed [1]. That's exactly why this piece won't drown you in specific techniques — everyone's preferences differ.

Instead, being skilled in bed comes down to staying open-minded, exploring, letting yourself be vulnerable, communicating with your partner, and taking a bit of feedback in stride. We'll cover each piece below, starting with...

1. Understand Your Desire

Plenty of experts, therapists, and authors will urge you to get familiar with your own body as a path to becoming a better lover. Not bad advice — you'll find more on that just below. But this guidance often skips something vital for women: understanding how desire itself actually functions.

Want the full breakdown? Check out this in-depth guide to sexual desire, which walks through the science. What follows here is just the basics.

Spontaneous Vs. Responsive Sexual Desire

Men often feel frustrated because they're constantly the one expected to initiate. Their partners rarely make the first move and sometimes seem uninterested even after he does. It's easy to see how that would wear on someone if you imagine being in his position.

That said, this dynamic doesn't hold true for every woman — research shows heterosexual women don't all follow these traditional sexual scripts [2]. Still, understanding your own desire is worthwhile even if this pattern doesn't describe you.

Here's something important to grasp: there's a reason your man always seems primed and ready while you need more time to warm up, like a car struggling to start on a cold morning. Researchers call this spontaneous versus responsive desire. Unsurprisingly, men typically lean toward spontaneous desire [3 p 3] (also called untriggered desire [4]), though not universally. They can shift from an ordinary task straight into wanting sex almost instantly.

What about women, though? Spontaneous desire is uncommon among women [5, 6, 7] — responsive or reactive desire, sometimes labeled "triggered" desire, tends to be more typical [8]. If that's you, your desire needs a trigger to respond to. Random cravings for sex are unlikely, but the right sound, scent, touch, or thought can spark things.

With responsive desire, you might notice you start enjoying sex play once it's already underway, even without prior interest. Stimulation can precede arousal and desire rather than follow it [9].

You can actually work with responsive desire. Start by pinpointing what triggers your response — maybe something your partner does, wears, or says, even something totally unrelated to sex. It could be a long shower, a favorite steamy movie, book or song, or how you feel in that one perfect pair of jeans. Once you know sex is on the agenda, lean into those triggers to get yourself mentally ready. This pairs especially well with scheduled sex or date nights.

But there's more to the picture!

The Dual-Control Model

The other essential piece of a woman's desire involves her sexual excitement and inhibition systems working together — the dual-control model of arousal and desire [10, 11]. Think of these as turn-ons and turn-offs. Some sex educators call them "accelerators" and "brakes."

Certain things your desire responds to act as genuine accelerators — pure turn-ons that get your engine revving and can actively make you horny.

Related: Getting Horny – Understanding Your Sexual Response Cycle To Get Aroused (+11 Techniques)

You've probably identified some turn-offs or brakes already, but tons of factors influence whether you want sex, including:

• How content you are in your relationship.
• Whether you accept your body as it is.
• Worries about pregnancy or STI transmission.
• Fear of being judged for your sexual choices.
• Anxiety tied to a new partner — learn how to overcome sexual anxiety.
• Feeling unsafe or lacking trust in your partner.
• Stress from home, work, school, or elsewhere.

Interestingly, while stress dampens desire for most people, a subset actually experiences increased desire under stress [3 ch 2].

A common approach is to press harder on the accelerator by piling on more turn-ons. That sometimes helps, but not always. If it doesn't solve things, your inhibition system might just be extra sensitive, meaning even a light tap on the brakes shuts everything down. If that sounds familiar (and it does for most women [3 p 60]), no amount of extra accelerators will fix things. The real fix is easing off the brakes.

Try listing your personal brakes. Note which ones feel more sensitive than others. Then brainstorm ways to loosen or remove them.

Stay realistic, too. You probably can't eliminate every stressor in your life, but you may be able to relax in the moment — crucial for good sex — after something like a sensual massage. Adding activities like yoga or sports can also ease stress over time [12].

Read More: How To Give A Super-Relaxing, Sensual Massage + Video Demonstrations

Managing your brakes sets you up to have better sex.

2. Get to Know Yourself

What turns your man on more than watching you squirm with pleasure and ultimately climax? Women who understand their own wants and needs tend to be more skilled partners.

Knowing what you want — and voicing it — leads to a better experience and keeps you more engaged. Your man may even appreciate being guided instead of having to guess. And it's not just women who care about being good in bed. One study found that "[m]en reported significantly higher expectations in sexual situations than women in all… [sexual] areas" [13].

So give him a hand!

Partners who take initiative tend to be more skilled lovers, and you benefit too — your man learns to touch you exactly how you want.

The simplest route to self-discovery is masturbation. Try these 7 steps to bring yourself to orgasm. Over a third of women need clitoral stimulation to climax, and roughly the same number feel their orgasms are stronger with it [14].

Plenty of women also respond strongly to sex toys, which you can incorporate into partnered sex too.

Figure out what works, then show or tell your man exactly how to replicate it when you're together.

Increase Confidence

A confident lover tends to be a great lover. Feeling secure about your body, skills, and even your relationship makes you more likely to undress, have fun, and experiment. But worrying about your appearance, your performance (a widely reported sexual concern [15]), or your partner's opinion of you tends to make you hold back. Some people are just naturally more reserved, sure, but letting loose is genuinely part of what makes sex great. Otherwise you risk falling into "spectatoring" — mentally monitoring your own performance, something women commonly do [16 p 41 ].

Confidence makes undressing, initiating, voicing your wants, and letting go feel far more natural. It also keeps you from coming across as overly timid, which can be a turnoff for guys.

Unfortunately, some people chase confidence through others' approval. Knowing your partner loves and desires you can boost self-esteem, sure, but that alone won't fix a genuine confidence gap. True self-assurance has to come from inside you.

One area where women commonly lack confidence: being on top during sex. Fortunately, you can learn to ride your man with confidence.

Confidence also sharpens your dirty talk — it lands so much harder when delivered slowly and steadily, without breaking the tension.

If confidence is a real struggle, talking it through with a professional therapist might help.

One last thing: "confidence" isn't the same as "arrogance." Don't assume you've mastered everything already. Stay open to suggestions and occasional criticism. Arrogance kills the very thing that makes you great in bed — the willingness to keep learning.

3. Be Enthusiastic

If we had to name a single factor that makes you good in bed, it's this: enthusiasm. Enthusiasm covers for nearly every other shortcoming. Your technique doesn't need to be flawless, and you don't need years of experience — showing genuine enthusiasm goes a long way.

Enthusiasm accomplishes a lot:

• It shows your partner you genuinely want him.
• It tells him you find him desirable.
• It communicates what you enjoy.
• It helps build sexual tension.
• It makes the whole experience more pleasurable.

I know that's a lot to promise from one trait, but don't underestimate what enthusiasm can do.

So what does it actually look like? Being open to sex, or even initiating it yourself. Learn how to initiate sex.

It means climbing on top, asking for what you want, and taking your pleasure into your own hands — quite literally.

It also means moaning, which boosts satisfaction [17] and can help your man reach climax [18] when you're clearly enjoying something, plus weaving in dirty talk.

Read more about talking dirty.

Just keep your enthusiasm genuine. You don't need to shout the roof down or break furniture — simply show your partner you're truly present.

Enthusiasm transforms sex from good into something amazing and passionate. Passionate sex can feel wild and uninhibited, making you lose track of where — and sometimes who — you are. Which brings us to the next point.

4. Let Go

The best sex usually happens once you can fully let go. Stop mentally cataloging chores waiting for you post-orgasm. Forget the work deadline. Stop judging yourself, or your partner.

Also, ditch any sex-negative beliefs you've absorbed over the years — anything about what a woman "should" or "shouldn't" do or think regarding sex. Plenty of us were taught to avoid premarital sex, even though it's extremely common. Many women were also taught that masturbation is shameful rather than a normal, healthy habit.

Women often get shamed for being too interested in sex, dressing a certain way, or having multiple partners — and you might carry some of those same judgments, even toward yourself.

If you want to fully own your sexuality, examine which of these beliefs actually serve you. If they don't? Toss them out! You get to define your own sexuality. As long as everyone consents and no one gets hurt, it's entirely your call.

Some of these very attitudes function as brakes, making desire and orgasm harder to reach. They're the hangups standing between you and truly great sex.

You'll find several of these specific attitudes broken down in our guide to improving your sex life.

For instance, judging what your partner enjoys in bed can leave him unfulfilled, breeding resentment on both sides and straining the relationship.

Judging yourself is just as damaging. It can spark guilt, chip away at self-worth, and make it harder to be open and vulnerable with your lover — both essential to connecting in and out of the bedroom.

Letting go means embracing whatever sounds and movements simply feel good. You can tap into your primal side (primal kink tips) and touch yourself or your partner in whatever way feels right, without stressing over how your stomach or butt looks in a given position, what the neighbors might think, or anyone else's business. Sometimes messy, sweaty, animalistic sex is exactly what you need — not polished perfection.

Letting go is liberating. Once you taste that kind of sexual freedom, there's no going back.

5. Discover What Makes Your Partner Tick

Did you know women tend to orgasm more often with a longtime partner than during a first encounter or casual hookup [19]? It's true! Comfort builds over time, sure, but there's another factor: the more you sleep together, the more you learn about his specific desires and preferences.

A huge component of being good in bed is learning exactly what your partner enjoys.

Remember, focus on what he actually likes, not what an ex enjoyed. Maybe he gravitates toward a handful of specific positions, or prefers a particular blow job style. Or maybe dirty talk isn't his thing, but sexy lingerie drives him wild.

If you genuinely want to become a great lover, dig into everything about your partner. Preferences vary wildly from person to person, which is exactly why it's so hard to give you one-size-fits-all instructions for being good in bed.

Still, if you pay close attention to your man, you'll pick up on shifts in his body language, breathing, moaning, and expressions when something clicks — or doesn't.

A relaxed demeanor when you two get into bed is a great sign. Other cues that he's enjoying himself include:

• He pulls his body closer to yours
• He grinds or thrusts against you
• His breathing speeds up
• He moans or gasps
• He inhales sharply (though this can occasionally signal pain, so stay alert!)
• He bites his lip
• He goes quiet, especially right before orgasm
• He becomes so absorbed he tunes out everything else, even losing the ability to speak

You've probably recognized some of these as things you yourself do when your partner really knows what he's doing.

See?

Men and women aren't that different after all, though some guys are admittedly harder to read.

Body language isn't the only clue, though — there's a much more direct route: just ask him.

Talking about sex feels awkward at first, but it gets easier with practice. Build the habit early in your relationship, even in a casual or friends-with-benefits situation. It tends to lead to more satisfying sex overall [20].

When you open that conversation, ask what he loves, what he doesn't, and what he's curious to try.

Plenty of techniques and tools can make these conversations easier — we cover many in our guide to sexual communication.

Sometimes your partner hasn't fully explored his own preferences, or struggles to put them into words. Society doesn't exactly encourage talking about sex openly, even though it's healthy and necessary. Be patient but encouraging in these moments, and lean on body language when words fall short.

If he's really struggling to open up, point him toward how to please your man.

Try not to take his preferences personally. You don't have to do everything he enjoys, but give some of it a shot. There's no rulebook for sex — just because most guys masturbate with their hands to mimic intercourse doesn't mean your partner does. If that's the case, work together to find a shared version of what his solo routine looks like.

6. Master an Incredible Blow Job

We said we wouldn't dwell on specific techniques for being good in bed, but blow jobs are the exception — because nearly every guy loves receiving one.

A large chunk of Love Curi is dedicated to the art of giving your man an unforgettable blow job. You'll find tried-and-tested blow job tips guaranteed to impress, plus techniques worth trying to deliver the best oral sex he's ever had.

There's an endless list of things you can do during a blow job, but plenty of women overlook the single most important ingredient in every one: genuine enthusiasm.

A huge part of turning your man on during a blow job is showing you're actually enjoying it. You probably feel exactly the same when he goes down on you.

Nothing kills the mood faster than seeming bored or disgusted. But when he clearly loves what he's doing, you both end up enjoying it far more. So next time you go down on him, bring more enthusiasm and put those blow job tips from above to work.

Looking for specific techniques? Check out how to make him cum hard.

7. Explore His (And Your) Fantasies

Everything covered so far sets you up to be a lover eager to explore fantasies together, which can also elevate your own pleasure. Who hasn't drifted into fantasy during sex at some point? Plenty of people return to the same fantasy again and again.

The most common fantasies include group sex, romantic sex, BDSM, novelty, taboo or forbidden scenarios, partner sharing, and same-sex or gender-bending experiences [21 p 11]. If your own fantasies land in one of these categories, your partner likely shares similar ones. But if his differ from yours, he'll absolutely see you as a great lover if you're willing to help bring some of his to life. You might even write your fantasies down to identify ones that might turn your partner on too [22].

Discover the most common fantasies you have to try.

Even without acting them out, simply sharing your fantasies with your partner can be incredibly arousing on its own. And for fantasies that aren't realistic to fulfill literally, roleplaying offers another way to bring them to life.

8. Keep Up the Novelty

Once you've built confidence, understand your own desire, and know your partner well, you might feel like you've cracked the code on being good in bed. You're not wrong — but don't stop there if great is the goal. The more you keep learning and exploring, the more you'll blow your partner's mind.

Novelty is a key ingredient. Trying new settings, new positions, new tools, and potentially new people injects a jolt of excitement into your sex life, keeping the spark alive whether you've been together five years or five decades.

Love Curi hosts a massive library of sex positions to explore — from simple and accessible to wildly exotic options requiring serious flexibility. Ready for something different? Check out these 31 crazy sex positions you won't believe!

This matters because attention naturally drifts the longer you're with someone. Men in particular tend to get bored with the same partner and routine — a pattern known as the Coolidge Effect [23], named after a U.S. president, which shows up across multiple animal species, not just humans [24].

Cheating is never excusable, of course, but some researchers suspect the Coolidge Effect plays a role in why men cheat, since sexual interest ramps up around a new partner — in humans as well as animals like rats [25, 26]. So injecting novelty could potentially help prevent that outcome. That said, there are plenty of reasons men cheat, and you can't control someone else's choices. Novelty also won't rescue a relationship already in serious trouble.

Need inspiration? Browse these tips to spice up your sex life, these kinky sex ideas, new things to try in bed, and dirty sex games.

9. Have Fun

At the end of the day, it's about enjoying yourself and not comparing yourself to anyone else. When you're having fun, your man notices — and has fun right along with you.

Learn to laugh things off. Sex gets messy and awkward sometimes. Getting uptight or making a huge deal out of the inevitable hiccups tends to ruin the mood.

But if you can laugh at something like queefing or an awkward position, it stays a small blip instead of souring the whole experience.

Remember, being good in bed isn't about executing a script. It's about being authentically you and having a genuinely good time.

Follow every one of these steps in the exact same order every single time, and you'll come across as robotic, not spontaneous — and probably won't have much fun yourself either.

You don't have to go down on him every time, hit some quota of positions, or fill every silence with dirty talk, as long as you're both enjoying yourselves. Weave these elements in naturally, though, and your sex life will stay far from mundane while keeping you both satisfied.

Follow this advice, and your man will likely be so impressed he brags about you to his friends!

Resources

The Guide to Getting It On is a well-known, regularly updated sex education book covering specific techniques, anatomy, and tools in depth.

The Sex and Pleasure Book covers similar ground and comes from sex toy retailer Good Vibes.

A Reddit thread asked men what makes women good in bed, and the responses are worth a read.

Dr. Fredric Neuman explains why "trying makes all the difference" in this Psychology Today piece.

Dr. Emily Nagoski, a noted writer on female sexuality, offers worksheets that pair with her book Come As You Are. The book itself is a great resource, and the worksheets make a strong companion — useful even if you haven't read the book at all.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – What does it mean if previous partners told me I was good in bed, but my partner doesn't like something I do?

First off, it doesn't mean he doesn't want or enjoy having sex with you, or that his feelings for you (if this is more than just physical) have diminished. It also doesn't mean he dislikes everything you do in bed. What it does mean is that one particular activity or technique isn't for him.

It's entirely possible past partners genuinely enjoyed that thing, or some simply didn't want to hurt your feelings by mentioning it. Or maybe you two are still new lovers who haven't fully learned each other's preferences yet.

It's completely understandable to feel a little rejected or discouraged when a partner flags something as less than great. But there's a silver lining: he trusts you enough to share his honest preferences, which takes real courage that a lot of people never muster. Think back to a time a partner did something that didn't excite you — maybe it was dull, maybe it even hurt — and you likely just powered through it anyway. Opening up like your partner just did requires real comfort and trust.

By doing so, he's opened a channel for honest conversation about sex, and as you now know, communication is one of the biggest pieces of being good in bed. Lean into that vulnerability — let him know you were surprised, but that you're open to adjusting your approach or trying something new. Showing willingness to grow only strengthens the relationship.

Plus, it might lead you toward techniques that end up working better for you too!

FAQ #2 – How do I know if we're sexually incompatible, and what should I do if I suspect that's true?

This connects directly to the first question. If you're genuinely incompatible, he might dislike a lot of what you enjoy, or want very little of what you need to feel satisfied — and this can happen even when both partners are individually skilled.

Take an example: say you lean kinkier, enjoying rough sex — pinching, biting your partner, spanking, and the like. But your partner is thoroughly vanilla and can't stand even a light scratch. That's incompatibility at work, not a lack of skill on anyone's part.

Read More: The Intensely Passionate In-Depth Guide to Rough Sex

It comes down to distinguishing what you truly need sexually from what you'd merely enjoy but could live without. If your partner won't budge on something you genuinely need, that incompatibility could be a dealbreaker unless another arrangement works (opening the relationship, swinging, polyamory, etc.). But if it's something one of you likes without needing, and you'd be just as content skipping it, it's not a major issue.

You might just need to work on building sexual chemistry.

FAQ #3 – Is there one thing that makes someone good in bed?

We're hesitant to boil sexual skill down to any single technique or activity, but there is one trait that carries real weight:

Enthusiasm.

You might lack experience or polish, but showing up as an eager, active participant means you can build the rest over time. Seriously — never underestimate how far enthusiasm alone can carry you.

January 12, 2021