8 Bold Ways To Improve Your Sex Life – The Complete Guide

26 min read

We're constantly chasing bigger and better things in life — bigger houses, nicer cars, better promotions, the best schools for the kids. Growth is basically the default setting.

So why doesn't that same drive carry over to our sex lives? Why does sex so often fall off our daily to-do list entirely?

There are countless reasons to keep actively working on your sex life, but the two biggest ones are simple: it feels good for you, and it feels good for your man. With that in mind, here are eight things you can start doing right now to improve your sex life.

1. Rethink Your Attitude About Sex

Everything on this list rests on one foundation: how you think about sex. Your mindset shapes everything that follows, and negative, unrealistic, or otherwise unhelpful beliefs make that foundation shaky from the start.

Not sure what that means? Check whether any of these sound familiar:

Men always want sex.
Women can't orgasm.
Sex isn't something you should talk about.
If you're in love, sex should automatically be good.
Men should always initiate sex.
Sex should look like it does in the movies.
You should always have sex when your partner initiates, even if you don't want it.
Women who like sex are "weird" or slutty.
Sex is only penetration. Everything else is only foreplay.
If my partner has erection troubles, he isn't attracted to me.
You aren't allowed to enjoy sex.
Sex should always be spontaneous.
Your body isn't good enough.
You shouldn't be attracted to anyone else if you're in a relationship.
Sex is for men; women just suffer through it.
People who have fetishes or kinks are weird, immoral, or wrong.
Men cannot connect through sex; women only enjoy sex for connection.
Sex is only good if you orgasm.
Sex is such a big deal, and I have to be the perfect lover.
If anything goes wrong, the mood will be completely ruined.

These are just some of the common beliefs about sex that don't actually serve your sex life well. Whether or not you notice it, your attitudes color every sexual experience you have.

Some of these are obviously problematic and clearly limit your sex life. Others take a little more digging before you see how they're doing damage. None of this makes you a bad person — it just means an attitude tune-up is in order.

You'll probably notice these beliefs cluster into a few overlapping categories:

Unrealistic Expectations – Expecting perfection from yourself, your partner, or sex itself sets you up for disappointment every time, especially without communication or practice. Comparing your sex life to what you see in media is a losing game, since media never shows the real thing. That comparison can breed real anxiety. Discover how to get rid of sexual anxiety.

Judgment – Judging your body, your performance, or your fantasies is a recipe for misery. Worrying that your partner isn't attracted to you is really just self-judgment wearing a different hat. And if you're constantly evaluating yourself, you're never fully present — which genuinely matters when it comes to being a good lover [1]. Slut-shaming is one specific flavor of this — judging someone (including yourself) for their desires, partners, or activities.

Gender Roles – Plenty of sexual stereotypes come down to gender. Some concern who's "supposed" to do what — like the idea that a man must always initiate or take the dominant role. Stereotypes about desire itself can be just as pervasive and just as damaging. Flipping the script can be genuinely satisfying, even if you never consciously noticed the pressures society placed on you because of your gender.

Rigid Thinking – Anything not covered above probably falls under rigid thinking. As people, we're constantly learning, growing, and exploring — and that doesn't stop at the bedroom door. You and your partner each bring different life experiences to the table, and you can use that to build something genuinely great together. Or you can stay stuck in a mindset that blocks you from being your true self, enjoying sex, and connecting with your partner. Redefine what sex means to you, drop the labels, step outside your comfort zone, and just chase what feels good.

There's a long list of beliefs about sex we have to actively unlearn before we can truly enjoy it. Sometimes it just takes recognizing that what your parents, teachers, religious upbringing, friends, or favorite movies taught you — directly or by implication — never actually served you.

So how do you unlearn any of it? Start by asking yourself a few questions.

Why Do I Think This Way About Sex?

Sometimes just asking this is enough to reveal that a belief doesn't hold up, and you can drop it right there. This happens a lot when people's sexual urges clash with social pressure to wait until marriage.

It's not always that simple, though. Beliefs picked up young can stick around for years if we never stop to question them.

Does This Attitude Help or Hurt Me?

Are you suppressing your sexual side? Restricting what you'll try in bed? Feeling guilty about your own desires? Too caught up in self-criticism to actually enjoy sex?

Once you recognize a belief is doing you harm, you can start letting it go. This can be key to building the confidence to ride your man, for instance.

Would I Tell A Friend Or Sister To Think This Way?

We often get stuck when we're the one facing a problem, even though we'd give great advice to someone we love in the same spot. So if your best friend or sister brought you this same issue, would you back her belief, or gently nudge her toward something healthier? Take it further — what advice would you actually give her to start unlearning it?

Am I Being Honest With Myself?

If a belief about sex is pushing you toward dishonesty with yourself — and by extension, with any partners — it's not serving you well.

How Would Changing My Thinking About Sex Actually Benefit Me?

The possible answers here are nearly endless. Better sex, more frequent sex, room to explore fantasies, deeper connection with your partner, or simply learning to appreciate your body. Who wouldn't want some of that?

How Can My Partner Help?

If you're working on shifting your attitudes about sex, you'll probably need to loop in any long-term partner. There's only so much he can do directly — this change has to come from within you. That said, you can ask him to gently flag it if you say something negative about sex or yourself, or if you catch yourself doing something rooted in an old, unhelpful belief (like hiding your stomach during sex).

Most of the time, your partner will be genuinely excited that you want to improve your sex life, even if that means trying new things and getting to know your sexual self better. Occasionally, he might take it personally and wonder if he's falling short. You may need to reassure him that things are already good — you just want to see how much better they can get. Framing it as a fun challenge for both of you can help.

Where Can I Find More Support?

Fortunately, the internet is full of websites, forums, communities, and blogs — like Love Curi — offering information and support. Plenty of books by sex educators and doctors can help too. The trick is finding sources and advice that genuinely fit you and your relationship.

Could Professional Help Make A Difference?

Not every issue calls for therapy or counseling, but a professional can be genuinely useful if you're struggling to unlearn certain beliefs about sex on your own. They can also help you and your partner work through shared sexual issues together.

What Do I Want To Believe Instead?

Part of unlearning harmful beliefs — which ultimately helps improve your love life — is swapping them out for sex-positive ones. Sex positivity is the belief that sex can be a genuinely good thing, and that you're allowed to feel comfortable in your own sexuality (even if that means being asexual!).

Some healthier attitudes to aim for include, but aren't limited to:

My body is capable of pleasure, and I am entitled to ask for it.
It's okay to enjoy or even initiate sex if I like it.
All sex play counts as sex.
Exploring and kinks can increase pleasure and connection with my partner.
It's okay to have casual sex, multiple partners, or sex before marriage.
Sex can feel great and be worthwhile even if I (or my partner) doesn't orgasm.
My desires are normal.
Talking about sex can help improve my sex life.
I don't have to have sex when I don't want it.
No one is perfect, and sex is a learning process. It's okay to make mistakes.

Practice really does make progress here. Undoing negative beliefs about sex takes time, and it can feel uncomfortable along the way. But if you gently redirect your thinking each time an old belief resurfaces, you'll reinforce what you actually want to believe instead. It gets easier with repetition, as positive attitudes become second nature.

Some people find a mantra genuinely helpful here, though it's completely optional if that's not your style.

Once your attitudes about sex have shifted and you're approaching it with openness, honesty, and curiosity, you're ready to tackle the other pieces of improving your sex life.

2. Education Improves Your Sex Life

One of the easiest ways to have better sex is simply learning more about it. Understanding how birth control works or how to use a condom correctly, for instance, can ease anxiety about pregnancy or STIs — which frees you up to actually enjoy sex more. Ideally you'd educate yourself before diving in [2], but later is always better than never!

There are a few different avenues for self-education.

Internet

The web is packed with websites and books covering sex education, and a quick Google search turns up plenty of options. You can also browse other Love Curi articles on topics we've already covered — plenty of readers are curious about female anatomy and sensitive spots like the clitoris and G-spot. Ever heard of the A-spot?

We've also got detailed articles on specific techniques, like giving him a blow job, him performing cunnilingus on you, and even anal sex.

Masturbation

Once you've moved past the diagrams, masturbation is one of the best ways to actually learn your own body. Nothing beats hands-on experience. Through it, you'll discover your preferences and can pass that knowledge along to a partner without any judgment involved. Many people find it easier to have a first orgasm solo before doing it with a partner. Learn how to orgasm.

Read More: How To Masturbate (For Women)

Sex researchers Masters and Johnson developed something called sensate focus [3], a practice that lets you and your partner get to know each other's bodies in a low-pressure way. It involves multiple sessions of mutual touch, with the early focus purely on intimacy and exploration rather than performance.

Medical Advice

Don't overlook your doctor as a resource. Any sexual concern tied to your health is worth mentioning at your next appointment — trust me, they've heard far stranger things. Lubrication issues, arousal problems, infections, and medication side effects are all fair game to bring up. Sudden changes in your sexual response can point to an underlying cause that's treatable.

You might be surprised how much depression, anxiety, menopause, medications (including psychiatric ones), and various conditions or injuries can affect your sex life.

Desire

Finally, it's worth educating yourself specifically on the topic of desire.

Desire has long been framed as something men have plenty of and women supposedly lack. In reality, everyone likes to feel wanted, and everyone likes feeling desirable. Desire simply doesn't show up the same way in every person.

Many women experience what's called responsive desire [4], while many men experience spontaneous desire [5]. If responsive desire describes you, sexual urges don't just appear out of nowhere — you need some kind of trigger, or several, to get in the mood. Responsive desire isn't a lesser version of spontaneous desire; it's simply different, though it's frequently misunderstood. Many people with responsive desire wrongly assume they just have low or no desire at all.

Once you know what triggers your desire, you can start creating conditions that encourage it.

Picture yourself as someone full of passion, direct that passion toward your man, and watch it show up naturally in your relationship.

We cover responsive desire in more depth in our article on women's desire, along with the concept of arousal brakes and accelerators. Some things kill your arousal (brakes), while others rev it up (accelerators), and there's an interplay between the two. Understanding that interplay lets you actually work with your desire instead of against it. One thing worth noting: women's brakes tend to be more sensitive on average [6 p 60].

Go deeper: Understanding sexual desire.

3. Choose Better Partners for Better Sex

Sometimes a lackluster sex life comes down to a simple issue: you're not choosing the right partners.

Maybe you're drawn to people who make you anxious and either can't or won't help settle those nerves.
Or maybe your partner is simply into a totally different flavor of sex than you are. You might lean kinky while he's anything but.
You could be attracting selfish partners who don't prioritize your pleasure. Guys chasing only casual sex or a little too wrapped up in themselves often fall into this bucket.
Well-endowed guys sometimes skimp on actual skill because they assume size alone gets the job done.
There's nothing wrong with preferring size, but if you're not also screening for compatibility and skill, disappointment tends to follow.

What about guys who communicate poorly? Fragile egos? Partners who make you feel small? Who you choose to sleep with genuinely shapes how much you enjoy sex.

There's also real value in sticking with the same partner over time. For women especially, orgasm and pleasure tend to come more easily with a familiar partner. First encounters can feel clumsy simply because you don't yet know each other's bodies or rhythms — that improves the more time you spend together.

Of course, new-partner novelty has its own appeal, and you don't need to be in a relationship to have sex. But instead of chasing one-night stands, a friend-with-benefits arrangement built on mutual understanding can lead to consistently better sex.

A familiar partner also tends to make it easier to actually talk about sex — which brings us to the next point.

4. Bring Genuine Enthusiasm

This might be the simplest and most important piece of advice on this whole list. Don't lie there mentally drafting tomorrow's to-do list. Nothing kills the mood faster than a bored — and therefore boring — partner. Stay present, participate, and let yourself feel genuinely excited and passionate.

Bringing that energy will turn him on and likely turn you on in the process too. If you don't come across as excited, he'll read that as you not finding him exciting — and one of two things tends to happen: he assumes you're bored and looks elsewhere for someone more eager, or he starts to feel inadequate and eventually seeks out someone more appreciative.

So what do you actually do?

First, don't fake it — pretending doesn't fool anyone, feels hollow, can come across as insulting, and won't do much for your love life. Instead, find something he does that genuinely turns you on and ask for more of it. Think of something that makes you horny and stay focused on it. The more you lean into feeling turned on, the more natural it becomes. Aim not just to look enthusiastic, but to actually feel it.

5. Talk Your Way To Better Sex

Something else we push readers of Love Curi toward when it comes to having better sex is simply talking about it — especially with your partner. Random people on the internet can't tell you what your specific partner wants or likes; only he can. And he's not a mind reader, no matter how much you might wish otherwise. Sometimes you just have to say out loud how you feel, what you enjoy, and what changes might improve things for both of you.

There's a full guide to talking about sex, but here's the basics.

Talking about sex takes different forms depending on timing.

During Sex – Don't be shy about requesting a different technique. Something as simple as "to the left" or "harder" works fine. A breathless moan tells your partner to keep doing what they're doing. You could also try encouragement like, "That feels good — why don't you try X?"

Feel free to say "no" to anything that doesn't feel right in the moment.

If your partner isn't paying attention to your needs, ask directly for oral sex, for example. Approach it expecting to enjoy yourself, and expect him to factor your needs in too.

This is also a good moment to suggest a new technique or position — though save anything big, like pegging, for a time when you're not springing it on him cold. Small, simple adjustments are what mid-sex conversation is best suited for.

After Sex – Some couples use the afterglow to debrief, and that can genuinely build connection. But if you have criticism, bringing it up right then can deflate the mood. He might read it as dissatisfaction, and you might feel the same if roles reverse. Save the tougher conversations for later.

Neutral Times and Places – Sex is a sensitive enough topic that timing matters. The best window for a serious conversation about improving your sex life or shifting your routine is usually when you're both relaxed, free of stress, and not feeling cornered (a moving car is a bad choice). These "neutral" moments will look different depending on your life.

People sometimes work themselves up before these conversations. Sex matters, and staying silent about it can genuinely hurt your happiness. But don't walk in assuming it'll go badly. It might, but approach it with optimism and choose your words with care. Assuming the worst tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Give your partner room to actually process what you're saying. Something big, like swinging, might need time to sink in, while he could say "yes" to adding sex toys almost immediately. He might initially push back before coming around, or he might just want more details. Be specific about what you want so you're both on the same page.

A few tools that can help facilitate these conversations:

If talking about sex face-to-face feels too hard, BDSM contracts can offer a framework for what to cover once you start these conversations. You don't have to be into BDSM to borrow ideas from how practitioners communicate about sex.

There's always some risk of rejection or judgment from your partner. Occasionally, mismatched desires really do signal incompatibility that can't be resolved. But that's the exception, not the rule. Opening up about sex might even reveal desires you both secretly share!

Talking openly about sex can feel awkward the first few times, especially if you've never done it before. It gets easier with practice, and it's a genuinely good habit for a happy, healthy sex life.

6. Make Time Work In Your Favor

You might assume timing has little to do with your sex life, but you'd be wrong. Time factors in several ways:

Schedule sex – so it doesn't keep losing out to a packed schedule. Putting it on the calendar also builds anticipation and gives you time to prepare however you need to feel ready. Some people worry this kills the romance, but scheduling sex actually signals that you're prioritizing it, and it helps you escape the rut of only having sex right before bed (or not at all, because you're exhausted).
Initiate more often – men tend to initiate more, often at predictable moments like bedtime. Taking the lead yourself shakes up the routine, and your partner will likely enjoy the change — it makes him feel wanted. He might occasionally say no, but it's only fair that both of you get a turn trying. Ready to give it a shot? Learn how to initiate sex. If you experience responsive desire, you might need to get in the mood for sex first.
Slow down – don't rush straight to penetration. More varied sexual activity correlates with higher desire and better odds of orgasm [7]. Quickies have their place, but they shouldn't be the whole menu. Get tips for foreplay.
Track it – you might feel like you're not having enough sex while your partner thinks otherwise. A basic calendar can show what your actual sex life looks like.
Stop watching the clock – don't stress about how "short" a session was, how long it takes to orgasm, or hitting some arbitrary time target. Just be present. Tune into your body and your partner's.
Linger a bit after sex – aftercare is a built-in part of BDSM, but cuddling post-sex helps your brain ease back into the real world gradually rather than abruptly. Women in particular tend to appreciate post-sex affection [8]. Not everyone's a cuddler, and it's not right for every relationship, but it's a common way to wind down. A light massage can work as an alternative to cuddling.

7. Add A LOT More Blowjobs

And actually get good at them.

You will never hear a man complain about receiving too many blowjobs. Men tend to be wired around providing — working, earning, keeping their partner satisfied, taking care of the household — it all ties back to a deep-rooted need to give. Giving a man a blowjob hands him a rare chance to just lie back and receive, in its purest form.

He'll love you for it, genuinely. It's a way of thanking him for everything he does right, without words. And yes — he really will love you for it.

So what should you do?

There are two easy ways to work more blowjobs into your routine. First, surprise him with oral sex at random moments, unrelated to any other sexual activity. This has nothing to do with foreplay — it's purely about focusing on him and expecting nothing back.

Important: Surprising him this way means you'll need to take the initiative yourself.

Two things worth remembering: practice makes perfect, and he won't care if you're not flawless at it yet. The more often you do it, the more you'll pick up on what he likes — through watching his reactions and simply asking (and good communication, as mentioned, is central to a better sex life overall). The more skilled you get, the faster you'll be able to make him finish.

The second approach is weaving blowjobs into regular sex sessions. The variety keeps things interesting for him, and the change in sensation might help him last longer — a bonus for you too. Switching things up two or three times in one session might leave him completely blown away!

For more tips, techniques, and detailed advice on giving your man an incredible blow job, this detailed blow job tutorial video is worth checking out.

8. Experiment Your Way To A Better Sex Life

Everything covered so far makes the ideas in this final section far more effective. Sure, you can dive into role-play or grab some sex toys, but if you're carrying deep-seated fears about sex or you're not voicing your needs in bed, those additions will only take you so far. And that's okay — everyone's a work in progress, and trying new things while you work on yourself or your relationship is a completely normal part of the process.

But once you've built that foundation — maybe you're here not because anything's broken, but just because you want to spice things up — try any of the following.

Lube – Lube makes sex more comfortable, cuts down on the micro-tears that raise infection risk, and lets you go longer. Flavored, warming, and cooling lubes each bring their own unique twist.
Sex toys – Vibrators, dildos, cock rings, anal beads, blindfolds — any of these can crank your sex life up several notches. A local shop or online retailer makes it easy to find them. Shopping together while working on your sex life gives you both a chance to learn each other's preferences and might surface ideas you'd never have considered otherwise.
BDSM – This umbrella term covers bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. Pick and choose what appeals to you (start learning BDSM). There's a flavor of BDSM for nearly everyone, which may explain why it ranks among the most common sexual fantasies [9 p 19].
Role-playing – BDSM often folds in role-play, but even if S&M isn't your thing, you can still explore playing a different role in the bedroom. Doctor and patient, or teacher and student, are classic setups — get more roleplaying inspiration if you're stuck.
Other people – As with anything else on this list, bringing in other people isn't for everyone. But some couples genuinely enjoy swinging, an open relationship, or a threesome. You might be surprised how many people identify as polyamorous or keep an open marriage exciting this way. If having sex with others isn't for you, you might still enjoy having them watch, or watching someone else.
Media – Porn, erotica, or even a favorite movie's sexy scene can add spark to your sex life. Try reading an erotic scene aloud to your partner (even one you've written yourself), recreating something you've watched, or taking sex photos and videos — just be careful about keeping them offline.
Sex positions – A new position is a simple way to unlock different sensations, and it might bring you closer to your partner or to orgasm. Check out the list of 119 sex positions here.
Fetishes – There's an enormous range of fetishes worth exploring. A foot fetish (Read: 10 Ultra-Intense Ways to Satisfy A Foot Fetish) is especially common.

Honestly, the list of kinky things you could try to spice up your sex life is nearly endless. You don't need to try everything — or anything — on this list, though some people find it useful. What matters most is staying open-minded and willing to voice what you want, and to explore what your partner expresses interest in.

Some things might not even be on this list yet. Love Curi might not have covered it, or you might not even know the name for what you're into (our big list of fetishes and kinks can help there). Whatever you're into, you're far from alone — online communities can be a genuinely reassuring reminder of that.

One of the simplest ways to explore something new is just talking about your fantasies. New to fantasizing? Start by recalling favorite past experiences or things you'd like to try together. Research shows that fantasizing about your partner boosts both sexual desire and other relationship-strengthening behaviors [10]. That said, relationship trouble can also surface inside your sexual fantasies [11].

Keep in mind, talking about a fantasy doesn't obligate you to act on it. Plenty of people have fantasies they never actually intend to pursue. But if there's something you genuinely want to try, speaking up is step one!

Learn More: The 10 Most Common Sexual Fantasies You Gotta Try

At the end of the day, working through relationship friction, unlearning unhelpful attitudes about sex, and prioritizing communication are all prerequisites for actually improving your sex life. But once you get there, you might be genuinely surprised by how much satisfaction you find — and how much it strengthens your relationship overall!

Resources

This article on GoodTherapy about Sensate Focus walks through the Masters and Johnson technique for reconnecting with your partner's body without any performance pressure.

Exploring Your Mind examines the factors that detract from a fulfilling sex life.

Educator Michael Castleman wrote a provoking piece on Psychology Today that asks the question, "Would More Sex Really Make You Happier?" Focusing on quantity over quantity may not contribute to an improved sex life or more satisfying with life in general.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Will having sex more often improve my sex life?

There's no simple answer here. If your dissatisfaction stems purely from frequency — you enjoy the sex you're having, you just want more of it — then having sex more often might genuinely help. But there's more to the equation than frequency alone. Sexual satisfaction depends on communication, variety, orgasm, mood-setting, and oral sex too [12].

If your dissatisfaction is about the kind of sex you're having — lack of variety, or a selfish partner — simply having more of it won't fix anything. In situations like this, quality matters far more than quantity.

One study comparing same-sex and different-sex couples looked at why lesbian couples report having sex less often, and found their sessions actually run longer, with no real difference in satisfaction [13].

It's entirely possible to have less sex and feel just as satisfied overall, as long as each encounter is more fulfilling.

FAQ # 2 – Will improving my sex life make me happier?

Another question without a clean answer, though researchers have looked into it. One study found weekly sex to be the sweet spot for happiness — but having more than that doesn't add extra happiness [14]. Another study found sex tends to boost mood the following day [15].

This is also shaped by other factors at play. If frequency really is your only issue, then making an effort to have more sex — maybe through scheduling — can create a positive ripple effect elsewhere in your life. But sex, even great sex, won't resolve unrelated problems; it might just distract you temporarily, which honestly can still be a good thing!

And sex can't repair a relationship that's fundamentally struggling. More sex won't help if you're dealing with an abusive partner. Nor can sex alone heal something as serious as trauma from a past assault.

Bottom line: keep your expectations grounded. Sex can boost happiness in certain, limited circumstances, but it won't fix the deeper source of your unhappiness if that's what's really going on.

FAQ # 3 – Does an improved sex life equal an improved relationship?

Another layered question. Researchers looking at relationship satisfaction and sex describe a genuinely intertwined relationship between the two [16]. Improving your sex life can strengthen your relationship, and working through relationship issues can improve your sex life — it runs both directions.

November 28, 2020

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