12 Downsides Of Casual Sex (And Why It's Still Worth It)

At Love Curi, our whole mission is helping you have the best sex possible and using that to enrich your life. So it won't shock you that we're big fans of the one-night stand rather than critics of it. That said, we also understand the realities of casual sex — realities that may have kept you from trying it before!

The good news: a bit of caution and a clear head can turn you into a casual sex pro. Just follow the advice below!

1. Someone Always Develops Emotions

If you've got a regular hookup partner, or you're having casual sex with a friend with benefits, it's common for one person to start catching feelings. If that's you, you might keep sleeping with him hoping he'll feel the same eventually. And if he's the one falling for you, you might resent your sex buddy for not sticking to the unspoken "rules" of the arrangement.

Realistically, though, it's tough to stay physically close with someone without feelings creeping in eventually. Part of that comes down to hormones like oxytocin — the so-called cuddle hormone — released during and after orgasm.

2. You Feel Jealousy Even if You're Not Attached

Some people claim you can't feel jealous over a casual partner without deeper feelings involved, but that's not accurate. You can simply resent knowing he's sleeping with or dating other women because you want that energy directed at you. Like romantic attachment, jealousy can derail a good arrangement — or signal that the setup was never as simple as it seemed.

3. It's Hard to Talk About Boundaries

Casual sex requires you to be upfront about your limits. Make sure he knows it's a one-time thing if that's the plan — otherwise you risk misleading him. At minimum, talk through whether cuddling or staying the night is on the table. And discussing condom use or birth control is non-negotiable — your sexual health isn't something to gamble with.

4. Pinpointing STIs Can Be Hard

Even with condoms, casual sex still carries STI risk. Getting tested after each new partner is smart, but that's not always realistic if you're seeing multiple people.

So if you do test positive, you might have a long list of possible sources — and that same list needs to be told, which is never a fun conversation. Sometimes it's not even possible, because…

5. There Are A Lot of Phone Numbers to Keep Track of

More partners means a longer contact list. That's manageable if your numbers are low, or if you don't bother saving contacts at all. But that second strategy can backfire when a mystery number texts you for a booty call — awkward for everyone involved, especially if it happens to you.

6. Slut Shaming from Other Women

Say you do keep a running list of names, numbers, and maybe some spicy details. What happens when your mom, sister, or best friend asks about your love life? You might want to confide in a friend about your escapades, only to run into something unexpected: slut shaming.

Slut shaming happens whenever someone judges you for sex they consider "too much" — too frequent, too many partners, or just not matching their personal values. Sadly it's incredibly common, and people get shamed for everything from how they dress to how they do their makeup.

Remember: other people's morals aren't yours to live by, and their opinions don't have to shape your choices.

7. You Don't Know if You Can Trust These Men

Your safety always comes first, and casual sex changes the calculus. You don't have the history with these guys that you'd have with a serious partner or even a FWB. Consider screening them first — grabbing a drink somewhere you're a regular is a great way to gauge whether someone's a good guy or a red flag.

You might also set up a check-in with a friend — share his photo, name, and number, and his address if you have it. If you don't check in when planned, she can come find you or call for help.

8. It Can Be Difficult to Voice Your Needs

Plenty of women struggle to articulate what they actually want in bed, partly because society still pushes women toward passivity. The result is underwhelming sex — but what's the point of casual sex if it's not toe-curling?!

You've got to speak up every time, especially with someone you barely know. Being assertive genuinely improves the experience [1]. Our guide to sexual communication can help, even in casual settings. And there's a silver lining: you don't have to worry about a stranger judging your desires as weird if you'll never see him again!

9. He Might Have Weird Fetishes

In a committed relationship, you're more likely to try pegging or spanking if your partner's into it, because you care about his happiness. With casual sex, that investment usually isn't there.

Plus, things like BDSM can get risky without real trust between partners, which is exactly why BDSM contracts and safe words matter so much.

10. The Sex Might Not Be That Good

Think back on your most mediocre, awkward, or outright bad sexual experiences. Odds are, a lot of those happened with new partners or early on. The more familiar you become with someone, the better you both get at reading each other's bodies and preferences — great news for long-term relationships.

But it means casual sex sometimes falls short of the hype. Sure, intense chemistry, novelty, and a bit of taboo can create a rush that makes up for a so-so finish. Still, go in prepared for the possibility that you won't orgasm — he might try, or he might not bother. And if you're meeting someone at a bar, you might run into whiskey dick, where alcohol keeps him from getting hard.

Casual sex isn't always as glamorous as it seems, which means it's simply not for everyone.

11. You May Not Be Prepared

Even for a one-time thing, you probably want to look and feel your best. That could mean dressing to impress (our guide can help), styling your hair and makeup, and smelling great — maybe even shaving beforehand. But when a spontaneous hookup comes together fast, you might not have time to prep, which can spark some sexual anxiety.

Related: How To Get Rid Of Sexual Anxiety Once And For All

One study of male and female college students found casual sex was "associated with psychological distress" [2].

12. You Can Feel Self-conscious About Your Body

With a partner who loves you, relaxing comes naturally because they appreciate your whole personality — humor, intellect, all of it. But during a one-night stand, feeling a bit soft around the middle or bloated can genuinely kill your mood.

You can ease that anxiety by reminding yourself you never have to see this person again. And while he might seem flawless to you, he has his own insecurities — and he's probably more focused on his own performance than judging your body. So cut yourself some slack and enjoy it!

How to Be a Good Casual Sex Partner

Being great at casual sex basically means being great at sex, period. Stay engaged, show enthusiasm, and demonstrate that you're up for experimenting and giving pleasure.

But it's not all about your partner — casual sex is for you too. Speak up about what you want. Guide his hands, tell him what feels good, touch yourself if that helps you finish, and don't hold back a little noise.

An engaged partner makes all the difference, whether you've known each other twenty years or twenty minutes.

One key to good casual sex is keeping it casual. It's never polite to bolt the second you're done or rush someone out the door, but you also might not be able to stay the whole night, or let him. Just be upfront that an overnight stay isn't on the table either way.

Maintaining some emotional distance helps too — steer conversations away from anything outside the bedroom, and definitely avoid anything that could read as romantic. Skip making plans beyond sex (Netflix is maybe the exception). Anything more can blur the lines fast if "casual" is really the goal.

Similarly, don't expect to get close with his roommates, friends, or family. He shouldn't ignore you in public, but he may prefer you keep the arrangement low-key. Respect his privacy, and expect the same in return.

Sometimes sex stirs up feelings you didn't expect — wanting more even from someone you're not that into. That's a normal side effect of the hormones released during and after sex; oxytocin especially can create a false sense of attachment. Give it some time before acting on those feelings.

And jealousy has no place here. By definition, casual sex isn't monogamous — either of you might have other partners, or not. Depending on your comfort level, you can discuss those other partners, or agree the topic's simply off-limits.

The backbone of a good casual arrangement is setting — and sticking to — boundaries, which will look different with each partner. Figure out what works for your specific situation.

If you're hoping casual sex will eventually turn into real feelings from the other person, you'll likely be let down. Plenty of people have tried holding onto scraps of affection through sex alone, and dragging that out only hurts more in the end.

Lastly, if this is an ongoing casual arrangement, be mindful of your communication — don't flood your partner's phone. Stick to logistics about sex, not date planning.

Work out how often it's okay to reach out, how much you can push for a hookup, and when messaging or calling is fair game. Everyone's needs differ here, which loops back to the boundaries conversation.

Casual Sex Versus FWB

Sleep with someone regularly enough, and the relationship can shift from a casual hookup to friends-with-benefits. There's real overlap between the two, depending on how you define each. For some people, casual sex just continues indefinitely, especially if they're skilled at keeping things compartmentalized.

The distinction with FWB is right there in the name — it's a friendship first. You'll likely still hang out, talk about non-sexual stuff, cross paths socially, and share details about your life.

You might want that friendship to continue if the physical side ever ends, so it's worth handling carefully even if you're not especially close. Because FWB situations can sour, some people avoid sleeping with close friends altogether to protect the relationship.

Related: 5 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Your Best Friend + 5 Dangers

If either of you catches feelings, that needs to be addressed head-on — and you may need to stop the physical side to save the friendship.

Like any casual arrangement, your FWB might see other people too. Eventually one or both of you may land in a relationship, and you'll always carry the shared history of having been intimate.

Sometimes people think they can handle an FWB setup and discover they can't, and the friendship doesn't survive it.

Don't Forget Your Safer Sex Kit!

Casual sex tends to happen spontaneously, rarely going exactly as planned. That means you might not have supplies on hand for safer — and frankly better — sex. Unless, of course, you keep a dedicated kit ready.

What's a safer sex kit? Just a small collection of items you keep handy whenever a hookup is even a remote possibility. Toss them in your purse, or use a Ziploc bag, pencil case, or small container.

The size depends on what you want to pack. Some options:

• Condoms (male or female, assorted sizes)
• Lube (single-use packets or travel bottles)
• Dental dams
• Gloves (go non-latex if condom allergies are a concern — learn more)

You can level up from basic safety to fun-plus-hygiene with:

• Personal wipes
• A small bullet-style vibrator
• Mouthwash or a travel toothbrush (mints work in a pinch)
• A comb or brush
• Cock rings – learn about cock rings

If kink is your thing, you might also pack alcohol wipes, bandages, safety scissors, and cotton pads.

Just make sure everything fits your bag or container comfortably. Condoms and dental dams already come individually wrapped, so stick to lube samples (more on lube and why it matters) instead of a full bottle. A bullet vibrator won't lie flat like the rest, but if you've got room, a small clitoral toy is worth including too.

The point of a safer sex kit is protecting against STIs and pregnancy even when you're not sure you'll need it. Casual sex often happens without much warning [3]. Better to have it and not need it. Toss it in your bag or purse — just keep sharp objects away from your condoms and lube.

If carrying it everywhere isn't your style, at least grab it before activities likely to lead to sex, like a night out drinking.

Restock anything you use.

Ultimately, casual sex requires knowing and trusting yourself, gut instincts included. If something feels off, walk away. You won't always hit a home run, but if you're after some fun, meeting new people, or just not ready to settle down, we hope this advice sets you up for great casual sex!

Resources

Nautilus has an interesting piece on how casual sex might actually be improving marriages.

Maria Konnikova at the New Yorker explores who's actually having casual sex.

AskMen offers rules for casual sex and tips on finding partners.

Does Tinder really drive more hookups? Not exactly, according to this Fortune article.

Charyn Pfeuffer argues casual sex doesn't deserve its bad reputation.

Check out this video covering the debate around casual sex and wellbeing.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Will I regret casual sex?

Maybe. Women statistically regret casual sex more often than men [4, 5], possibly because her motivations for having sex differed from his. Feeling comfortable with a partner matters for good sex, casual or not — and women tend to feel less at ease during casual encounters than men do [6].

A drink (in moderation) and some making out can help you settle in. Talking through boundaries and safer sex ahead of time can help too, even if that conversation isn't always easy to start.

Also, mixing up your activities boosts your odds of satisfaction and orgasm. One study found three specific activities — mutual genital stimulation, deep kissing, and receiving oral sex — were key predictors of female orgasm [7].

It's completely fine to try casual sex and decide it's not your thing. Research shows both men and women rate casual sex as less satisfying than sex within a committed relationship [8]. Extroverts also tend to have more sex overall than introverts [9 p 88, 10], which could factor into how much you enjoy it.

And if novelty isn't your thing, casual sex might not click for you either — the thrill factor is one of four main motivations people cite for pursuing it [11].

FAQ #2 – How common is casual sex?

We keep hearing about hookup culture supposedly swallowing dating whole. But the panicked headlines might be overstating things. One study of 18-to-25-year-olds found over 40% had engaged in casual sex within the past year between 2004 and 2012, versus roughly 30% in a similar cohort surveyed from 1988 to 1996. Notably, the number of partners people had didn't actually increase [12].

Another study found people currently in exclusive relationships were actually more likely to have had casual sex previously than single people [13] — so casual sex doesn't seem to keep people permanently single.

One study found three-quarters of young adults had tried casual sex by age 23 [14]. Another survey found 44% of female college students and 64% of male students, surveyed between age 14 and spring of freshman year, had done the same [15]. Alcohol experimentation as a young adult may play a role here too, since drinking correlates with more one-night stands [16, 17].

So yes — a significant chunk of people have casual sex now and then. But civilization isn't crumbling because of it.

FAQ #3 – Is casual sex unhealthy?

Not inherently — it doesn't have to lead to negative psychological effects [18]. Another study found no causal link between casual sex and depression in teens [19].

That said, unhealthy choices around casual sex definitely happen…

For instance, women don't always use condoms consistently during hookups [20], and people who meet via dating apps often skip them too [21]. Condom use during casual sex overall may be inconsistent [22].

Worth remembering: relationship sex can be just as unhealthy under the wrong circumstances.

The key is only having sex you genuinely want, using protection appropriately, speaking up about your needs, and tuning into your body's signals.

On the STI front, regular testing catches anything that needs treating, and you can always pause sexual activity during periods when transmission risk is higher.

Bottom line: casual sex isn't inherently less healthy than any other kind, as long as you're careful, prepared, and honest with yourself.

FAQ #4 – Isn't casual sex just for men?

Not at all. While men regret it less often, plenty of women genuinely enjoy casual sex, and some women simply aren't interested in relationships right now, preferring casual dating instead. Feeling too young to settle down is a common motivator across the board [24].

FAQ #5 – When is casual sex a bad idea?

If you're not fully into it, don't feel safe, are very intoxicated, hoping sex will earn someone's approval, or using it to manipulate someone into liking you — those are all red flags.

Research shows women's self-esteem around casual sex varies with their overall attitudes and mood [25], and enjoying casual sex doesn't inherently mean low self-esteem or emotional harm [26] — though poor mental health and casual sex can feed into each other [27]. Psychological distress after a casual encounter isn't unusual for women [28].

Unless you're pursuing it purely for pleasure, fun, or stress relief, you might not enjoy it much. But when pleasure is genuinely the goal, casual sex can be quite satisfying [29], and physical motivation is actually the most common reason people cite [30].

FAQ #6 – Is there etiquette for casual sex?

Generally, don't expect to spend the night or meet friends and family during a casual hookup. Respect his privacy. It's worth discussing specific preferences beforehand too — some people, for example, aren't comfortable kissing outside a relationship.

And always bring safer sex supplies: condoms, dental dams, lube, and so on.

FAQ #7 – Casual sex doesn't feel good. What am I doing wrong?

As mentioned, sex feels better when you're truly relaxed and aroused. Slow down and mix in more activities. One study analyzing Craigslist personal ads from heterosexual men and women found blow jobs came up more often than cunnilingus in casual hookups [31], but you're not obligated to sleep with someone who won't reciprocate! Lube can also help with vaginal dryness (read more about lube).

Some people simply can't relax with someone they barely know, and first-time sex together is rarely amazing. One study found women having first-time or casual sex don't always feel as confident as they do with a longtime partner [32]. Disappointment is one of the most common post-sex emotions [33], so you're far from alone. Learning each other's bodies just takes time.

So the takeaway here: it's totally fine if casual sex just isn't your thing.

FAQ #8 – How do I talk about safer sex with a casual partner?

Unfortunately, this conversation gets skipped a lot [34], so your partner might be caught off guard, and you may not have much practice bringing it up either.

If you've got your safer sex kit handy, you can just say, "I brought lube and condoms, we're set." Doesn't need to be a whole production — pulling one out and asking "Condom?" often does the job. You can even make putting it on him part of the fun.

You can be more direct too: "Before we go further, I want you to know I'm STI-free, on birth control, and I'd like to use dental dams for oral." That works especially well once you're already making out or into some foreplay. Just remember birth control only handles pregnancy prevention, not STIs.

Some partners might resist using a condom — be ready to say no to sex, or hold off until you're both cleared. If he complains it "doesn't feel as good," remind him that safe sex beats no sex. Stand firm, or walk if you need to.

Curious when skipping the condom is actually reasonable? Read this.

Ideally this conversation happens before things get physical, but casual sex doesn't always leave much time for it.

FAQ #9 – How do I let someone know if I want to have sex again?

If a casual encounter went well and you want a repeat, just say so: "That was fun, we should do it again." Or if you've got his number, send the classic "What are you up to?" text and see how he responds. Some people aren't looking for repeats, and some guys might assume wanting more means you're after a relationship — so be ready for silence or hesitation on his end too.

January 12, 2021