9 Ways to Initiate Sex, Drive Him Wild and Own Your Sex Life

Want a simple way to turn on your man and start having kinkier sex? Grab the wheel and initiate sex yourself. There's no single correct way to do it, but we've rounded up a handful of ideas that are pretty much guaranteed to work in your favor.

Why You Should Be The One To Initiate

Cast your mind back over your past sexual encounters — one-night stands included, or the ones inside a committed relationship. Who made the first move? Whose hand wandered first, whose body leaned in without being asked, or, in today's terms, who fired off that first sexy text message? Odds are, in most of your experiences, the guy got there first.

Even in a supposedly modern, equal-footed dating world, men are still largely expected to make that opening move.

That puts a lot of weight on their shoulders. They're the ones expected to initiate sex and set up first dates, which means they're also the ones absorbing the sting of "No" or "Not tonight."

It also breeds predictability. If you two have been intimate a few times, you can probably guess exactly how he'll bring it up next. That sameness can leave you feeling flat.

Related: 7 Sizzling Tips To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Making the first move yourself lifts that burden off your partner and shakes up the usual pattern. Get things moving on your own terms, and the whole encounter can unfold differently. You get to steer where it goes, which is its own kind of thrill.

Plus, initiating tells your man loud and clear that you want him — that he's desirable. Men rarely get to feel that as often as women do, even though it feels amazing for anyone to know they're wanted. Rather than fixating on what he can do for your pleasure, flip the script and think about how good you can make him feel.

Read: Focusing on his pleasure can, surprisingly, also help you feel sexier yourself.

If making the first move isn't usually your job, your partner will likely welcome the change of pace when you take charge. Things could end up feeling a lot more even between you two.

That said, if this is new territory, a bit of nervousness or uncertainty about how to initiate sex is completely normal.

Side note: If straddling him makes you nervous, this guide on riding your man with confidence will help.

If Initiating Makes You Nervous

Some pre-sex nerves are totally normal (check out how to deal with anxiety about sex), but making the first move shouldn't be one of your worries, particularly with a partner you've been with for a while. Let's break down what might be behind that nervousness.

• Fear of getting turned down: There's always a chance he'll say no — he's human, and humans aren't always in the mood. Being tired or under the weather can lead to a "no." But that rejection isn't personal, and it isn't about you or sex with you specifically. He's just not feeling it in that moment. Try again later. You'll almost certainly hear "yes" far more often than "no" — after all, you've probably turned him down before too, and it was never about him. Guys also tend to care less about how they look, smell or feel in the moment. Sex is sex!
• Fear of feeling awkward: Sure, asking outright can feel a bit strange at first, but like flirting with a guy, it's a skill that gets easier with practice. Initiating doesn't have to be a big production or even conventionally "sexy." And you don't have to do it face-to-face — a call, a note, or a dirty text message can ease you into it until you're ready to ask in person.

Honestly, the more you practice initiating, the less nerve-wracking it becomes — and the easier those rare "no's" are to shake off. Practice really is the cure here.

Ways To Get Things Started

There's no single formula for kicking off sexy time. Here are a handful of approaches to try, or feel free to invent your own.

1. Just Say It

Being upfront is often your best bet, since guys can be surprisingly clueless when it comes to hints. You've probably noticed this already if you've dropped subtle cues before that went right over his head.

Simply tell him you're in the mood, or ask him outright. Watch his face light up! Slip it casually into a conversation, say, on the drive home for dinner, and the surprise factor alone can turn up the heat.

2. Let Your Body Do The Talking

Skip the words entirely. While cuddling, escalate things by reaching for his zipper, palming him through his pants, or grinding against him. Try guiding his hands to your breasts or between your legs — an unmistakable signal that also sets up great foreplay.

Or sneak up behind him, wrap your arms around him, cuddle him and kiss him. Murmur something sultry if you're feeling bold and see where it leads.

3. Fire Off A Sexy Text

If you're not quite ready to make the move face-to-face, a flirty text works wonders. Send a sultry picture (how to take a very sexy selfie) or just tell him how badly you're missing him. Bring up a memory of a particularly great time you had together.

However you phrase it, he'll know exactly what's on your mind — and he'll start thinking about it too! By the time he walks through the door, or you get home from work, the clothes won't stay on long.

Related: How to flirt with a guy over text

4. Dress To Impress

Is there an outfit your guy's been dropping hints about, but you've felt too shy to actually wear? Maybe it's time to add a new piece to your wardrobe and surprise him with it (learn how to pick the perfect lingerie). Leave the bag somewhere he'll spot it, or wrap it with a note hinting at when he'll get to see it on you.

Step out in something that makes you feel powerful, and you'll send the message loud and clear — he'll drop what he's doing to notice you.

Extra credit if you wear something sexy and turn it into a whole performance. What guy says no to a lap dance?

Learn: How to give a good lap dance

5. Get Close And Grind

You know that moment when you can feel him get hard just from being pressed up against you during certain cuddling positions? His body's already telling you what it wants — so use that to your advantage if you're feeling it too. Grind against him and guide his hands to your chest, and you'll get there fast.

Related: How to make your man hard

6. Seize The Reins

If you're craving sex, take charge by climbing onto his lap while he's absorbed in TV or a video game. Or flip the script during cuddling by getting on top, pinning his wrists above his head, and kissing him deeply.

Read More: How To Kiss With Intense Passion

Feeling the domme energy? Tell him to strip the second he walks in the door.

Curious about taking charge more often in bed? Check out this post about dominating your man.

7. Lead With Foreplay

Guys aren't only thinking with one part of their body, but they do respond fast to physical stimulation. Unzip him and go down (tips for giving great head), and sex will likely follow in short order.

8. Sneak Into The Shower

Take something everyday and turn up the heat. The shower is perfect for this, especially paired with these satisfying shower sex positions. Join him mid-routine and lather him up for something dirtier while you're both getting clean, or strip down on your way to the bathroom and pull him in with you.

Learn: How to have wild shower sex

9. Let Him Catch You In The Act

Watching your partner pleasure themselves is a huge turn-on, and most guys feel the same way about you. Leave the door cracked and let a little noise slip out while you're masturbating. The sight and sound alone can send him into a frenzy — and straight into your arms.

Letting him "catch" you watching porn, reading erotica (try these true sex stories), or scrolling through Love Curi is another low-key way to broadcast that you're in the mood.

Learn: 14 masturbation techniques for intense orgasms

Don't be afraid to improvise. Some approaches will land better than others, and timing matters just as much as the method. Not every attempt will end in the bedroom, but often enough, the payoff will be worth it.

Once things get going, stay engaged and active. Touch him, touch yourself, get on top, and let him feel that you're fully present with him.

Related: How to deeply enjoy sex

You don't have to be the one who always makes the first move in your relationship, but knowing how to initiate sex can breathe new life into your sex life. And if he's not in the mood, you can always take matters into your own hands.

February 10, 2022