Am I Asexual? The Real Reason You Might Not Want Sex

Most people who read the Love Curi enjoy sex and feel desire for others — but what if that's not you? Perhaps you've never felt lust for anyone, man or woman, and it's left you feeling like an outsider who isn't quite normal. You can't fathom why everyone else pours so much energy into the confusing hassle of sex. You may well be asexual.

From films to songs to novels, it can feel like the whole world is obsessed with sex. So why don't you feel that lust and attraction? There's a group of people who simply don't experience sexual desire, and they're known as asexuals, or aces.

Asexuality literally translates to "no sexuality." It sits opposite sexuality on the spectrum (with graysexual covering all the territory in between). You may recognize it as the "A" in the acronym LGBTQIA — which stands for asexual, not "ally" as some people mistakenly assume.

Somewhere between 1% and 5.5% of the population identifies as asexual [1] [2]. That's a smaller share than those who are gay or lesbian, but you are absolutely not the only one!

Related: 14 lesbian positions to make sex wildly intense (with illustrations).

So, "Am I asexual?" Quite possibly!

If you're an ace, you simply don't feel sexual attraction or desire toward other people. And if the urge to have sex isn't there, society's fixation on it probably strikes you as pretty bizarre. Some aces find sex outright awkward, even alien, and can't understand why people go to such lengths for something that can be so messy!

Low Libido Versus Asexuality

Hold on, you might be thinking — if you don't want sex, doesn't that just mean you have no sex drive? It's true that a low sex drive dampens your interest in getting down and dirty. But that isn't the same thing as being asexual.

Sex drive rises and falls, and plenty of things influence it. Depression, SSRIs, and stress can all dial it down, while a glass of wine, a sensual massage, and less stress in your life can crank it back up. Hormones play a big part in desire too — which is why teenagers are so notoriously horny, and why many people find their desire fading as they age.

Related: Sex After Menopause

Some people carry a low sex drive their whole lives, but asexuality isn't fundamentally about sex drive at all. In fact, some aces report a perfectly normal libido, along with a normal ability to orgasm and get wet.

Struggling to get wet? Find out why physical arousal can be difficult.

Asexuality is about the absence of attraction. Full stop. You didn't get those intense crushes while hormones raged through your teenage veins, and you don't find yourself lusting after whichever celebrity everyone else can't stop drooling over.

The opposite problem – If you're constantly horny instead, take a look at our guide on how to stop being horny all the time.

Being Asexual Doesn't Mean Something's Wrong With You

Asexuality gets very little representation in the media. Many people assume everyone is sexual and that anyone who isn't must have something wrong with them. Some researchers have even questioned whether asexuality belongs under the umbrella of sexual desire disorder [3].

You may have been pulled into this way of thinking and tried to boost your sex drive just to feel "normal." But there really is no normal when it comes to sex, and being asexual doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. That said, asexual men do face a slightly higher risk of erectile dysfunction [4].

Still, some people find it hard to accept. They may push you to hunt for solutions to your lack of sexual feelings or to dig for some underlying problem. The trouble is, there isn't necessarily anything wrong when you're asexual. It's simply how you are.

Researchers have explored possible causes of asexuality, from religion and biology to health and education. No single factor makes someone asexual. Women, however, are more likely to be asexual than men [1].

If you're comfortable being asexual, there's nothing to fix. Some asexual people only arrive at that realization after miserable years — or even decades — of pretending to fit in, sometimes forcing themselves into sexual activity they never wanted. That's hardly going to make sex feel any more appealing!

Coming Out As Asexual

If you ask yourself "Am I asexual?" and land on yes, you might think about coming out. Coming out simply means revealing your sexual identity, and there may be several occasions where you have to come out as asexual. For one, you'll likely need to tell any potential partner — more on that shortly.

That said, many asexuals choose to come out to everyone in their lives. It can be one way to get your parents to ease up about your single status and to shut down the endless questions from older coworkers wondering when you'll settle down and start a family. Above all, it can simply be a relief to own who you are and stop feeling like you have to hide — or that you're alone.

You get to pick the day and the manner of your coming out. Some people use National Coming Out Day, held every October 11th, as the moment to let others know they're asexual. Ultimately, when you disclose your status is entirely up to you.

Coming out as an ace can be genuinely affirming. It's part of who you are, and you want the people around you to know.

It can also be hard, though. Some people won't understand — or will refuse to — and others may react with flat-out disbelief. They might offer "solutions" to fix your sex drive, even though asexuality isn't a disorder. You may already have tried boosting your sex drive, but honestly, that's nobody's business but yours!

Your loved ones may have questions, often about whether you have any sex at all — and some of those may feel far too intimate to answer. You're free to decline, or to simply tell people that no, you don't feel sexual attraction toward others.

Of course, if you're coming out to someone you'd like to date, you will have to field some of those questions. Not everyone, unfortunately, is comfortable being in a relationship with someone who identifies as asexual. But that doesn't mean your happily ever after is off the table!

Asexuality and Relationships

Just as asexuals don't always get why everyone else is so consumed with getting laid, there's a lot of misunderstanding about asexuality itself. For one, people often assume aces are never in relationships and don't want them. Not true. While sex is frequently a big part of a romantic relationship, plenty of people are happy in relationships with little or no sex at all.

Some aces don't want a relationship, but that's usually because they're also aromantic (not romantically inclined).

And an asexual person not wanting sex doesn't mean they don't crave partnership, companionship, and someone to share their life with. Sex just isn't a priority for them. Some aces do have sex with their partners simply because those partners want it. One study found that fewer than half of asexual respondents qualified as asexual by behavior alone — that is, having no sex whatsoever [5].

Discover how important sex is to a relationship.

As you'd expect, being an asexual who wants a relationship can be tough. Most people expect sex from their relationship, and if you haven't yet realized you're asexual, you may keep turning it down. That can leave partners feeling rejected and resentful — it's hard not to take it personally when your partner doesn't want to have sex with you.

But partners need to understand it has nothing to do with how attracted to them you are or how much you care. It's about you. And pressuring you into sex will never produce the result they're hoping for.

Seeking out partners who are already asexual (or demisexual, which we'll get to shortly) is one way to spare everyone hurt feelings. But an asexual person can absolutely thrive in a romantic relationship, provided the communication is good. Share your desires and expectations with your partner, and give them a safe space to do the same. You might land on a compromise — occasional sex, an open relationship, or mutual masturbation — that keeps you both happy.

Asexuality and Isolation

Even as the world slowly gets better at understanding asexuals — and even though many aces are happily partnered (or happily single!) — that doesn't make being an ace easy. As noted, it's rare to spot characters (Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory might be demisexual, at the very least) or celebrities who are openly asexual (Janeane Garofalo comes to mind, though the list is thin). Without those examples, you may never realize that what you feel is a perfectly normal part of the sexuality spectrum.

That makes it hard to open up to others, particularly when your peers are sexually active and constantly talking about it. Many aces find it difficult to discuss their lack of sexual feelings with friends or family, which can breed real isolation. You assume you're the only one and have no idea where to turn, let alone that plenty of others feel exactly the same.

Another source of isolation is the pressure to steer clear of situations where sex might be on the table — dating, say, or a night out at a bar. One study found that asexual people tended to avoid situations that could lead to sex, with many actively sidestepping any scenario where sex might be expected [6].

Look into local LGBT groups, which may well include other asexuals. Even if there are no aces among them, you'll be around people who understand that kind of isolation (though be aware that some LGBT groups aren't especially welcoming of aces). If you live in a larger city, your area might even have a dedicated ace group.

Happily, even aces in remote areas can connect with other asexual people online. Tumblr is home to plenty of aces who create and share content about asexuality on their blogs. There are chat rooms and groups devoted to asexuals, along with personal accounts from ace people documenting how they came to terms with — and even came out about — their asexuality. There are even dating sites built specifically for aces!

Here are a few resources worth checking out:

• AVEN Forums
• The Trevor Project: Asexuality
• Asexual Outreach
• Asexual Anonymous
• Apostive
• Asexuality Awareness Week

And if you're up for it, you can even join the cause and help educate others about asexuality.

Do Aces Masturbate?

That brings us to our next point. Asexuals may not feel sexual desire for other people, but that doesn't mean they don't masturbate. Masturbation still feels good and can bring you to orgasm, and it comes with perks like lifting your mood and helping you sleep better. You might be surprised how many aces do touch themselves, even with no desire to touch others or be touched.

Learn how to masturbate and give yourself orgasms with no partner required.

Demisexuals

As you're probably gathering, the sexuality spectrum holds far more colors than most people realize! There are folks with typical sexual preferences (straight, gay, bi, and everything in between!) and there are asexuals. But there's also a kind of middle ground: demisexual.

A demisexual person can feel sexual desire and attraction, but only once there's an emotional connection. Where a sexual person might spot an attractive stranger in a bar and consider sleeping with them, an asexual wouldn't want to at all — and a demisexual needs an emotional bond before any sexual attraction kicks in.

If you think of yourself as asexual but have never had a strong emotional bond, you might one day discover you're actually demisexual. Many demisexuals relate more to asexuals, since both live with atypical sexualities that go largely unrepresented in the media.

Asexuals and demisexuals may lack visibility, but if you fall into either group, it's worth remembering that you're not alone. There's no cause for guilt, shame, or agonizing over a lonely future. Once you identify as an ace, you can also dive into the asexual community for support.

January 23, 2021