Debunking 2 Common Myths About Sex After Marriage

Plenty of people carry assumptions about sex after marriage. It's easy to fall for myths about cold, disinterested spouses and the general state of intimacy once you've tied the knot. But how much of that is actually true? Find out why married sex might just turn out to be the best sex you'll ever have!

Myth: Married Couples Have Less Sex

There's a persistent idea that the wedding bells also ring in the end of a couple's sex life — that once a woman "locks a man down," she stops bothering. But research tells a different story: people in relationships are actually the ones having the most sex [1], and "married people show substantially higher rates of sexual activity than the unmarried" [2]. This holds especially true among older singles.

Curious how your sex life stacks up against everyone else's? Check out our post on how much sex people actually have!

Research also shows that married women report greater physical and emotional satisfaction from sex [3]!

Part of this may come down to some people waiting until marriage to have sex, or the sense of safety that a committed relationship like marriage provides for exploring one's sexuality. For example, people are more inclined to try BDSM with a romantic partner than with someone more casual [4].

It is true that sexual frequency tends to decline the longer a relationship lasts. But marital status alone doesn't explain the drop. Researcher and professor Kaye Wellings has found that couples together for six years or longer have roughly half as much sex as those together less than two years [5].

Truth: Sex Still Matters a Great Deal in Marriage

Sex plays a real role in relationship health. Couples with lower sexual frequency tend to report lower happiness overall. Sex can leave you feeling desirable, connected, relaxed, and loved — just a few of its many upsides. For some, an unsatisfying sex life is enough to make a marriage feel miserable.

A common struggle, even among couples who value sex, is simply finding the time for it. It might not sound romantic, but putting sex on the calendar can help ensure you're actually having enough of it to feel satisfied. That could mean committing to Friday nights or having sex whenever the kids are away overnight. A consistent date night often leads naturally to sex and tends to strengthen the marriage overall.

That said, sex isn't the whole picture in a marriage. You're sharing a home, a life, maybe children or pets — your bond stretches well beyond the bedroom. So if your sex life isn't as active as the "average" married couple's, there's no need to panic. As long as you and your spouse are both content, everything's fine.

This does mean having an honest conversation with him about sex after marriage, which we'll get into shortly. We'll also cover some advice for revitalizing your married sex life if it's fallen flat.

Truth: Married Sex Can Become Routine

Another common belief about sex after marriage is that it inevitably becomes dull. Sure, it's easy to fall into a pattern — you build shared habits, and daily life doesn't always leave room for spontaneity. Maybe sex happens right before bed, quiet and low-key because you're exhausted and the kids are still up. It still gets the job done.

You're in good company if you've settled into this kind of rut. Half of all married women and two-thirds of married men describe their sex lives as predictable [6]. But predictable isn't automatically a bad thing. Knowing roughly when and how sex will happen can feel more reassuring than the uncertainty that often comes with being single.

It can also mean you've got more time to explore any kink, fetish, or sexual interest that appeals to you, and to really lean into your authentic sexual self.

Related: The Complete List of 203 Sexual Fetishes and Kinks

There's another upside to sex with a long-term partner: greater comfort with each other tends to mean less sexual anxiety. Ever been so nervous you couldn't relax enough to enjoy yourself? That tends to fade the longer you're with someone after marriage.

Still dealing with sexual anxiety? Learn how to put that anxiety behind you.

A routine doesn't have to be permanent, either. As kids grow more independent, work slows down, and other obligations shift, you may suddenly find more time and energy for sex. There's a reason media loves depicting older couples experiencing something of a sexual second wind.

Reviving Your Sex Life

You can always shake things up if you want to. There's no shortage of things to try — bondage, spanking, sex toys, role play, public sex, and more — enough variety to keep you experimenting for years.

Looking to add some spark to your sex life, or your relationship in general? Take a look at these posts:

• 16 Kinky Sex Ideas: Very Freaky Tips To Spice Up Sex
• 7 Sizzling Tips To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Even though sex often does become routine within marriage and long relationships, a lot of people remain genuinely happy with it. One study found that 80% of married men feel satisfied with their sex lives with their spouse [6]. Unfortunately, that number is lower for women — the same study found just 60% of married women report feeling satisfied.

Myth: Sex Is Something You Owe Your Husband

Which brings us to an important point: if the routine you've settled into leaves you unsatisfied, that's a pattern worth breaking. Women often frame sex as something they perform for or offer to men — even within a long marriage. More than one reader of the Bad Girl's Bible has confessed to being married for years without ever reaching orgasm, whether with her husband or on her own, let alone experiencing orgasm together.

Tolerating sex that hurts, provides no pleasure, skips necessary foreplay, or ends too abruptly is far more common than it should be. Because women often worry about bruising their partner's ego — husband or not — and feel pressure to perform, they fake enjoyment, often including orgasm. Surveys indicate nearly 80% [7] of women have faked an orgasm at least once, and some researchers describe the practice as "common and widespread" [8].

This reinforces the notion that sex is something men receive and women provide. It also feeds into unhealthy patterns, like treating sex as leverage — offering it when you want something, withholding it when you're upset. To be clear, having sex while angry with your husband isn't the goal either — sex should be something both of you genuinely enjoy and benefit from, not a tool wielded against each other.

Making Married Sex Genuinely Great

This is a tough pattern to break. How exactly do you tell your husband you've never orgasmed during sex — or ever? How do you explain to someone you love and committed to forever that married sex hasn't lived up to expectations?

Ideally, this is a conversation couples have before marriage, but that isn't always how it plays out.

These conversations are genuinely hard. That's likely part of why fewer women report satisfaction with married sex than men do. They get accustomed to faking it, and the longer that goes on, the tougher it is to be honest. But nothing changes about your sex life unless you're the one who changes it.

Remember that survey showing just over half of married women felt sexually satisfied? It also revealed that 79% of husbands assumed their wives were happy in bed [6]. That's a striking gap, though not exactly shocking.

After all, intercourse typically does the trick for men. But most women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm (and many find it more enjoyable regardless [9]), and intercourse alone often falls short there [10]. Much of this comes down to the physical distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening.

Not sure how your own anatomy compares? Take a look at this refresher on female anatomy, or see what the rest of the clitoris actually looks like.

Having the Conversation About Sex After Marriage

So where does that leave you? Facing a difficult conversation you don't want to have, but also not wanting to settle for an unsatisfying sex life. And you shouldn't have to!

Because talking about sex can feel so intimidating, we've put together an entire guide to sexual communication — worth a read even if you feel your sex life is already pretty solid.

A few quick pointers to get started:

• Choose a neutral time and place to talk (relaxed, private, unhurried).
• Give your partner a heads-up that you'd like to talk about sex soon — don't spring it on him.
• Keep the focus on the shared goal (better sex for both of you), not on assigning blame.
• Avoid bringing it up right before, during, or right after sex.

Better Sex Starts With Knowing Your Own Body

Of course, talking is only part of the equation. If your main issue is a lack of satisfaction or orgasm, it's worth taking matters into your own hands — literally.

Start with our guide to masturbation for women. Since most women respond best to clitoral stimulation, these clit stimulation techniques are worth exploring too. Once you've figured out what works for you solo, it becomes much easier to orgasm with a partner — and your spouse should be happy to support you in mastering that skill.

If You Waited Until Marriage to Have Sex

Most of what we've covered so far applies to couples who've been married a while. But what if you haven't tied the knot yet and are waiting for marriage before having sex? Here's some guidance for you too.

As you've seen, sex within marriage can be deeply fulfilling. But if your very first time is also after your wedding, it can come as something of a surprise.

Feeling anxious and excited about your first time is completely normal. Just be careful not to build it up so much in your head that reality feels disappointing by comparison.

First experiences tend to be a little awkward and aren't always especially pleasurable. They can even involve some discomfort from the stretching or tearing of the hymen (more on the hymen here), though most women actually don't experience pain the first time [11]. Lube and generous foreplay go a long way toward preventing discomfort, and the Bad Girl's Bible has extensive resources on both.

Truthfully, whether you wait for marriage or not, your first time might turn out better or worse than you expected. What tends to hold true is that sex generally improves the more you do it with the same partner — good news for anyone married!

To sidestep future frustration, make open communication about sex a habit early on, so you're not left faking orgasms (remember — not orgasming is completely fine!) or settling for a lackluster sex life throughout your marriage.

Whether your wedding is around the corner or years behind you, you deserve a genuinely fulfilling sex life, and it's absolutely achievable. There's a lot to appreciate about sex after marriage — sharing that kind of intimacy and pleasure with the person you've chosen as your spouse is one of the true rewards of married life.

February 9, 2021