What Is A Swinger? Your Complete Guide to Swinging

Thanks to glossy magazines and steamy TV dramas, you might find yourself asking, “What is a swinger?” Or maybe you already know the basics but can’t quite understand why anyone would want multiple sexual partners while sharing that experience openly with their lover. Either way, we’ve got you covered — plus a few answers to questions about swinging you didn’t even know you had.

So What Exactly Is Swinging?

This podcast episode covers everything you need to know about swinging — how to do it safely, where to meet other swingers, how to manage jealousy, and much more.

In short, swinging is a lifestyle where two partners have sex with other people together. Usually, this means a couple finding another couple they both click with sexually. Partner-swapping between two swinging couples is common too. Group sex can be part of the mix, though it's not required — sometimes one partner in a couple would rather watch than join in.

Some couples prefer pairing off into separate rooms entirely. Other times, everyone stays in the same space — you might sleep with someone's husband while his wife goes down on yours, with everyone watching everyone else. Your own comfort level shapes how open your swinging arrangement becomes. For instance, you might keep certain acts, like oral sex or kissing, reserved just for your primary partner, while opening up other sexual activities to swapped partners.

Swinging differs from a fully open relationship in that you and your partner are usually seeking a specific couple you both vibe with. While swinging tends to lean more casual than the deeper connections found in open or polyamorous relationships, compatibility still matters a lot. You and your partner might not click with the same people, or one of you might like a couple while the other doesn't.

It's also distinct from polyamory, which typically involves someone capable of romantic and sexual involvement with more than one person simultaneously. There's overlap, especially if you and your partner mostly enjoy watching each other during swinging, but swinging generally involves more interaction among everyone present. Someone who's poly might date two people who barely interact with each other, and polyamorous connections tend to carry more romantic weight than swinging, which centers mainly on the sex itself.

While defining swinging is fairly simple, picturing what a swinger actually looks like is harder. You probably already know a few people who swing. Swingers span every age, appearance, hobby, and career path imaginable. You can safely assume they enjoy sex, but they might also be parents, your coworkers, your friends, even your boss. In fact, you might be asking this question right now because someone floated the idea to gauge your reaction!

What Draws People to Swinging?

People swing for all kinds of reasons. Obviously, there's the appeal of new and varied partners, which can add real spark to your sex life. Watching your partner with someone else might arouse you in a way nothing else does, or you might get a thrill from exhibitionism and being watched yourself. If you or your partner have polyamorous leanings, swinging can be a way to explore that safely.

Swinging can strengthen a relationship by boosting trust and communication. But it can just as easily damage one that isn't already on solid footing. It's not a fix for recovering from cheating or an affair, and it won't help if one or both of you are already unhappy together. There are plenty of reasons people cheat, and swinging doesn't address any of them.

Don't use swinging as an exit strategy for a relationship you're already doubting, either. And skip it entirely if you and your partner can't openly discuss desires, emotions, and concerns without things turning into a fight.

Even couples genuinely excited about swinging can be caught off guard by unexpected emotions. Jealousy is the obvious one, and you might feel both jealous and turned on watching your partner with someone else. Guilt, anger, or a sense of betrayal can surface too, even if the idea was originally yours.

What separates a swinger who thrives — keeping both her relationship and her swinging life happy and healthy — is the ability to name and communicate fears and feelings in a way that draws her closer to her partner, not further apart.

Where Do Swingers Actually Meet?

Getting started is easy if someone invites you to a party directly, but what if you're curious and don't know a single swinger, or at least anyone open about it? Thanks to the internet, finding your way into the community has never been simpler.

Dating apps like OkCupid now let you specify whether you're single and seeking a couple, or a couple seeking others. Craigslist personals are another option, though you'll want to vet anyone who responds carefully. Adult Friend Finder and FetLife, home to the fetish community, can also connect you with like-minded people. There are swinging-specific platforms too, including The Swing Site, Swing Lifestyle, Quiver, and Swingers Date Club.

Dedicated swing clubs exist purely for like-minded people, though access depends on living near a major city. A trip to New York might take you to Plato's Spa, the successor to the original Plato's Club that gained fame in the 1970s — still one of the most well-known swinging venues around. Cities like Chicago, Los Angeles, and San Francisco all have multiple options, and international destinations like Barcelona have their own scenes too.

You might also be surprised by the resorts and cruises built specifically around the swingers lifestyle. NASCA International keeps a running list of swinging clubs, resorts, and events to help you connect.

Some swingers consider inviting friends — especially attractive ones — into their circle, but tread carefully. Friends who aren't sexually adventurous or feel shaky in their own relationships aren't great candidates. You risk hurt feelings or even a damaged friendship. Be ready for a "no," which isn't necessarily personal — some friends might even feel flattered you asked! Still, swinging just isn't for everyone.

You could also test the waters with a flirty round of truth or dare with another couple.

Does Swinging Etiquette Exist?

From films like "Eyes Wide Shut" and its elaborate masquerade parties to reality shows about the lifestyle, pop culture has plenty of opinions about swinging — not all of them accurate. What actually separates swinging from an open relationship is that both partners stay involved, even if one is only watching.

Even committed swingers can breach trust by sneaking off for a solo encounter without discussing it first. Swinging isn't a loophole for cheating without getting caught.

And if you dive in too enthusiastically without learning the norms — both general swinging etiquette and the specific rules of your community or event host — you might end up in an uncomfortable situation.

Here are a few common answers to "What counts as swinging etiquette?"

• Arrive and leave with your own partner — never leave with someone else's.
• Don't bring along an extra person just to sneak into an event.
• Respect a "no." Never get physical with anyone who hasn't clearly consented.
• Respect the privacy of swingers who aren't exhibitionists. You might love showing off, but not everyone in the lifestyle feels the same way.
• Use condoms, birth control, and other protection against pregnancy and STIs.
• Show up and leave on time, and exit immediately if the host asks you to.
• Never disclose someone's swinging status without permission — it can affect their career, reputation, and more. Would you want that done to you?
• Understand that many parties skew invitations toward more women than men, both for comfort and venue appeal.
• Skip bringing your own alcohol or drugs if the venue doesn't allow it. Swinging provides plenty of its own high without extra substances.

As always, defer to whatever specific rules your host sets — they vary by venue. Private house parties tend to be smaller and more intimate, while dedicated clubs may admit singles and enforce dress codes. Having someone who already knows the ropes can help you settle in, though it's not essential, especially with so much information about clubs available online.

Of course, you could always host your own swinging gathering if existing rules don't suit you or you want more say over the guest list. Either way, you'll quickly discover that swinging is about more than just sex — the social side runs deep, which is exactly why so many people call it a lifestyle rather than just an activity. You and your partner might end up sharing drinks and stopping after a make-out session with someone attractive, or going down on someone's partner without going any further.

Swapping partners can genuinely energize a relationship built on trust and open communication. Single women, in particular, might find swing clubs offer a safe way to meet multiple partners. That said, swinging isn't right for every person or every relationship, especially one already struggling. If you don't know yourself well, or jealousy runs deep for you, this lifestyle probably isn't the right fit. Weigh both the upsides and downsides carefully before diving into the swinging lifestyle.

December 17, 2020