19 Genuinely Effective Ways To Get In The Mood For Sex

If you've ever wondered, "why am I just not feeling it?", this guide is here to help, a lot. You'll learn not just what boosts desire generally, but genuinely powerful strategies for getting in the mood and working through libido killers, some you might not have even considered yet.

The Dual-Control Model Of Desire

If you've tried every trick in the book to get in the mood with no luck, there's likely a real explanation. It comes down to something called the dual-control model.

This model proposes that feeling desire and becoming aroused requires easing off the "brakes" on your arousal while pressing the "accelerators" [1].

Brakes on arousal – Your libido isn't going anywhere while you're stepping on the brakes. Think of brakes as anything blocking arousal or a receptive mood. Identifying your personal brakes and easing off them is step one.

Accelerators for arousal – Everything that makes you feel sexy functions like a gas pedal, "accelerating" your desire. More on these shortly.

Brakes vary in sensitivity – Brakes and accelerators don't require equal force. For plenty of people, women especially, brakes are extremely sensitive, so even a minor one can derail the mood entirely [1]. Ranking your personal brakes and accelerators by intensity, not just listing them, can help.

This clarifies what genuinely gets you in the mood versus what shuts things down fast.

Accelerators can demand real effort – Meanwhile, many women's accelerators need considerably more force to engage. So it's completely understandable to feel frustrated if you lose the mood right after putting in serious effort to build it.

Just Give Me The Actual Techniques!

If this all sounds a little dry and you're eager to reach the "good stuff," don't worry, we're getting there. But skip addressing what's blocking you (your brakes), and all your sexy effort might not amount to much.

We'd still recommend at least skimming this section before jumping ahead. You never know what might help boost your sex drive long-term. You might discover a genuinely strong libido once a few brakes are released. And even if your drive feels solid now, this advice might matter down the road.

The second half covers accelerators and how to actually put them to work getting you in the mood.

First, though, let's tackle the brakes.

1. Lower Stress

We know, not exactly a sexy opener. But it's genuinely important. Stress devastates libido, on top of everything else it wreaks havoc on.

We won't just tell you to "reduce stress," sometimes that's not realistic. But there are concrete ways to relax in the moment if stress is one of your brakes (and it almost certainly is, to some degree).

These techniques work by helping your body settle back down after ramping up in response to stress. Since your body evolved for a very different environment, it treats every stressor like a life-or-death threat and reacts accordingly [1].

Meditate

Meditation's benefits for mind and body are well documented, and you don't need to be an expert to see results. Even five minutes daily can make a noticeable difference.

Start with just a minute or two each day. When a thought drifts in, simply let it pass. When you catch yourself getting caught up in it, gently return to letting go.

If meditating solo feels hard, guided meditations are widely available online. Focusing on a single muscle group or body part can also make it more accessible.

Massage

The body and mind are deeply connected, and few things relax you faster than a good massage. A professional session works, or you and your partner can trade massages, saving money while reconnecting and building the mood.

Read more: Learn how to give a relaxing, sensual massage

Things can turn a little naughty while you're at it, too. Check out our guides to yoni and lingam massage.

No partner or professional available? Don't underestimate self-touch. Working lotion or oil into your own skin feels genuinely good and reminds you how much you enjoy touch.

Yoga

Yoga is a fantastic stress reliever for multiple reasons. It builds body awareness (helpful for spotting stress before it builds up), plus strength and flexibility, both of which make sex easier and more enjoyable. It also clears your head, similar to meditation, through focused breathing.

Quality Sleep

Poor sleep can absolutely tank your mood for sex, while good rest helps your body settle and leaves you feeling refreshed, and ready for some fun. Research links sleep deprivation directly to reduced desire in women [2].

Unfortunately, it's easy to sabotage your own sleep without realizing it. Build solid sleep hygiene habits and cut back on screens and late meals before bed.

Exercise

Getting your heart rate up is a genuinely effective stress reliever, and it can help fire up your accelerators too.

Self-Care

In her book on desire, Dr. Emily Nagoski points out that many women lower stress through some form of self-care [1]. A relaxing bath, a long shower, or even a skincare and makeup routine can all do the trick.

2. Your Cycle Plays A Role

Notice how your menstrual cycle shifts your mood for sex? Maybe you're especially horny right before your period, or the bloating and discomfort of menstruation kills the mood entirely. Hormonal birth control can shift sexual interest too [3].

There's not always much you can control here, but simply understanding these shifts can be reassuring. It always passes.

That said, if you've steered clear of period sex in the past, it might be worth reconsidering.

3. …And So Can Medications

Medications keeping you healthy or feeling better can quietly affect your libido. SSRIs for anxiety and depression are a common culprit, but far from the only one.

Antihistamines and allergy meds do more than dry out your sinuses. Blood pressure medications can reduce blood flow, essential for arousal. Some people find birth control dampens desire [4], and chemotherapy is known to reduce sex drive, sometimes permanently [5].

If you're on any medication, ask your doctor or pharmacist about sexual side effects and possible workarounds.

Whatever you do, never stop medication abruptly on your own.

Health Conditions And Unwanted Side Effects

The list of conditions linked to lowered libido is genuinely extensive.

• Arthritis
• Diabetes
• Cancer
• High blood pressure
• Coronary artery disease
• Neurological conditions
• Surgery
• Pregnancy – though pregnancy can also boost desire for some people!
• Breastfeeding – learn how to breastfeed your man

Any condition causing pain or fatigue can naturally dampen interest in sex, and plenty else.

Menopause deserves a mention too, many women find it complicates getting in the mood.

Read More: How to Have Awesome Sex After Menopause

If a condition isn't well managed, your doctor may be able to help, or suggest sex-specific solutions like vaginal moisturizers or hormone therapy.

4. Body Image

Women face constant scrutiny over appearance, and it's easy to internalize that into self-criticism or worse. Staying present during sex gets a lot harder when you're preoccupied with how your body looks.

Even a partner who finds you gorgeous can't fully fix this, real acceptance has to come from within. For milder struggles, try lingerie, a boudoir shoot, sharing photos in body-positive spaces online, hearing directly what your partner loves about you, or positive affirmations.

Therapy can help significantly with more serious body image struggles.

We've also put together 7 tips on how to feel sexier.

5. Past Experiences Shape The Present

Body-shaming, judgment over your desires, or assault can all make staying in the mood genuinely difficult. Therapy, while not accessible to everyone, can be enormously helpful in processing these experiences.

Consider reclaiming your sexuality creatively, kink, confidently showing off your body, or whatever resonates. Taking control in the bedroom can help too, and it can be genuinely fun.

Related: How to Be Dominant in the Bedroom

Also consider who you're with. A partner who contributed to past trauma, or lacks patience while you heal, doesn't deserve access to your body. Nobody is entitled to sex with you. Ever.

6. Sexual Shame Kills Desire

Sexual shame is everywhere, genuinely hard to avoid entirely. It might come from parents, religious teachings, or other adults growing up. Women in particular often face heavier stigma around masturbation than men do, and sex education worldwide often falls short.

Whether or not specific incidents come to mind, most people carry some sexual shame. Spending time in sex-positive spaces, therapy, journaling, clarifying your actual values, and questioning where old lessons came from can all help unlearn it.

Like most things, it gets easier with practice.

7. Relationship Dynamics And Desire

Unsurprisingly, relationship troubles can seriously brake your desire. Negative feelings toward your partner or relationship make getting in the mood that much harder.

This isn't limited to long-term or romantic relationships either. Unease with a partner, mismatched skill, or poor compatibility in bed can all interfere just as easily.

8. Breakdowns In Communication

Feeling unable to talk about sex overlaps with plenty of other brakes, it touches consent, pleasure, trust, pain, and comfort. Talking about sex isn't easy, especially without much experience, but this guide to sexual communication is a great starting point toward a happier, healthier sexual life overall.

Your partner might genuinely appreciate you sharing your specific brakes and accelerators directly, and you might love learning theirs in return.

9. Too Much Sameness

Some people lose interest in sex, or even specific partners, once things become too familiar, known as habituation. It's not inevitable, but worth being aware of. Bored with your routine? Try switching things up with impact play, phone sex, or bondage. Sometimes simply trying new sex positions is enough.

This list of new things to try in the bedroom is nearly endless, and Love Curi is full of inspiration. Don't be surprised if opening up to your partner and exploring together brings you closer.

10. Situational Factors Matter Too

Finally, your immediate surroundings might just not be conducive to getting in the mood. Dirty sheets? Room too hot or cold? A distracting TV? Harsh lighting, an unlockable door, a squeaky bed, all can throw off your headspace. The same goes for missing condoms, dental dams, or skipping lube.

And if you're sweaty from a workout or gardening, or dealing with morning breath, feeling sexy might be tough even if morning sex sounds appealing to your partner.

Fortunately, most of these are fixable or plannable around. Line up a babysitter, schedule a date night, add a lock to the bedroom door, and get ready for some quality time together.

We obviously can't cover every possible brake, but hopefully you've got a clearer picture of what's holding you back. Something above may have already jumped out at you. Try these strategies before moving to the accelerators below.

Once you've tackled some of your brakes, it's time to hit the gas.

Here are some reliably effective accelerators for kicking your libido into gear.

11. Lean Into Erotica

Plenty of women prefer erotica over other erotic media. Everything from short stories to full novels and series exists, all centered on sexy scenarios. If plot matters to you, erotica might land better than porn.

It's also great to share, read it to your partner or have them read to you, even trade off passages. You might even act out a favorite scene or write your own. As always, experiment to find what works.

Try these 31 true sex stories from readers to get in the mood on a slow day.

Erotica isn't just for reading, either. Try writing some yourself. Don't worry about writing quality, sharing it, or even finishing, unless you want to. The point is simply getting yourself in the mood.

Stuck for ideas? Recall your hottest experience, or jot down a fantasy you've always wanted to try.

More true stories worth checking out:

• 39 true tales of amazing sex.
• 49 people describe the best sex they've ever had.

12. Explore Erotic Media

Beyond written erotica, plenty of other erotic media can help build the mood.

Porn

No real conversation about getting in the mood skips porn entirely. Watching it, solo or with a partner, can be genuinely arousing. Plenty of sites cater specifically to women, and others feature real couples. Asking, "Want to watch porn together?" rarely gets turned down.

You might discover things you'd never considered, or realize watching other couples is a real turn-on for you. Maybe it'll even inspire filming something of your own.

That said, plenty of people just don't connect with porn. Experiment, but don't force it if it's not doing anything for you.

Erotic Imagery

Video isn't required. Photography, drawings, even GIFs can do the job. Some porn sites offer still-image galleries too.

Photos of your partner, or the two of you together, work well too, and don't need to be explicit. Even sensual shots can build the mood.

Learn: How to take sexy selfies

Erotic Audio

Many people, women especially, prefer audio erotica to porn. It can feel less jarring, more narrative-driven, and easier to picture yourself inside. Bonus: headphones let you enjoy it anywhere, even in public.

Try an audiobook, or one of the many dedicated erotic audio libraries for short-form content. Your partner might even record something just for you.

Music

Music isn't inherently about sex, but it can absolutely feel that way. Certain songs reliably make you feel alive and responsive, maybe tracks from your younger years discovering your sexuality.

Or it might be something newer, or a classic from before you were born. Sometimes it's the lyrics, other times it's simply how the rhythm moves your body.

Building a playlist of songs that make you feel sexy is easy, and here are a few starting points, useful even solo before your partner gets home.

• 25 Intense Songs To Make Love To & Have Better Sex
• 435 Sex Songs, A Playlist For Intense Love Making
• 22 Lap Dance Songs To Turn Your Man On

13. Set The Scene

We covered how the wrong situation can brake desire. The reverse holds too, the right setting fires things right up.

Think about sights, smells, temperature, sounds, and textures in the room, and adjust what you can. Drape a scarf over a lampshade, light a candle, dim the lights, whatever creates the right ambiance.

Discover: How to smell good for your man.

14. Location, Location

Beyond ambiance, certain locations just feel inherently sexier. The bedroom or bathroom might work especially well, try a shared bubble bath or shower sex.

Outside the house, a bar or club might do it, thanks to the combination of alcohol, music, energy, and moving together on the dance floor. Others find the beach or pool sex on a sunny day especially arousing.

Even a motorcycle ride might get things going, thanks to all that power between your legs.

More: The 15 best places to have sex.

15. Fire Off A Sext

Wondering how to get in the mood fast? Sexting is a solid answer. A few sultry lines, maybe with a photo, can build heat for you and your partner.

Open that app and send something (100+ sexting examples) before heading out to see a long-distance partner, or send one home after a long workday for a sexy welcome.

Read More: Sexy Games to Play Over Video When You're Long Distance

You can even sext from separate rooms in the same house, an easy way to catch your partner off guard.

Gauge their response, though. If they're mid-meeting, a reply might take a while. Send one message and see how fast the response comes. With any luck, they'll be equally in the mood and fire back something that keeps you thinking about them until you're together again.

Check out these 107 dirty text messages and our in-depth guide on sexting for more inspiration.

16. Find Your Horny Button

Remember the Addams Family? Gomez completely loses it every time Morticia speaks French, showering her arm in kisses while she clearly loves every second.

That's essentially his "horny button." Knowing yours, and teaching your partner theirs, puts your accelerators to real use.

What triggers it can be wildly specific to you and your relationship, since what works shifts person to person and even changes over time. A few starting ideas:

• Certain kinds of touch (a light brush on your arm or lower back, cuddling in the Spooning position)
• Specific words or phrases, even dirty talk can do it
• A particular tone of voice, or whispering
• "Bedroom eyes" aimed your way
• Thoughtfulness and genuine respect
• Deep conversation and emotional intimacy. Tips on how to have intimate sex.
• Moments of vulnerability
• Watching great parenting, or care for a pet
• Confidence and taking charge in life
• Initiating sex (a clear signal of desire)

Even a certain outfit or cologne on your partner can flip the switch. Instead of waiting passively for the mood to strike, recreate those triggers deliberately. Done right, you might get into the mood surprisingly fast.

Think back to moments of intense arousal or standout sex, and look for the common threads or unusual circumstances. Then lean into recreating them.

17. Play With Roles

Role play isn't only about novelty or spice. It can genuinely help set the mood, especially when you pick a role that makes you feel powerful and sexy. Setting up a scenario where undressing each other isn't immediate can make the eventual reveal that much hotter.

Check out these erotic role play ideas to get things moving.

18. Explore Further

Whether it's untried fantasies or specific kinks and fetishes, exploring your sexuality can genuinely help when you're trying to get in the mood.

Related: The 10 Most Common Sexual Fantasies

Exploration matters even more if orgasm or great sex has felt out of reach so far, and it's one antidote to the habituation mentioned earlier.

Learn: How to orgasm easily.

19. Solo Sex As A Starting Point

When we surveyed readers on how they get horny, many said they simply started masturbating before feeling turned on at all, the mood followed the physical sensation. Worth a try if you haven't already.

Learn other techniques to get horny.

We can't cover every possible accelerator here. For some, intense exercise, core work especially, does the trick. Others find certain foods arousing even without technically being aphrodisiacs. The real goal is finding what actually works for you.

By now you've likely identified some of your own brakes and accelerators, and how to work with each. Bringing your partner into this exploration can be exciting too. If they're struggling to get in the mood themselves, have them read along for their own tips. All that's left is putting these techniques into practice.

July 29, 2022