How To Have Good Sex: A No-Nonsense Guide to Real Pleasure

Nearly everyone wants great sex with their partner. You could spend hours digging through the site for individual techniques, tips, and positions to try with your man, but if you're pressed for time or unsure where to start, this guide walks you through the whole thing — weaving specific techniques in as we go.

So What Actually Makes Sex "Good"?

Honestly, it's complicated. There's no universal definition of good sex [1]. What counts as good sex for you might look nothing like what a friend or your partner would say. Your own definition can also change as you get older and learn more about yourself and your sexuality — and what clicked with one partner may not carry over to the next.

Good sex leaves you satisfied, but satisfaction shows up differently for different people. Sometimes it's emotional closeness that matters most; other times it's raw physical pleasure and orgasm. Some people crave something kinkier or more intense to feel satisfied, while others are content keeping things simple.

Good sex is whatever you say it is — which is why understanding yourself, your body, and your desires has to come first.

Beyond that, the best sex usually happens once your partner truly understands you in this way — and vice versa. That means a casual hookup may not be where you find the best sex of your life.

Unfortunately, plenty of women settle for far less than they deserve. One researcher found young women often labeled sex "good" simply because it wasn't painful, while young men focused more on pleasure and orgasm [2 p 70]. You deserve better than that baseline.

Before going further, let go of the idea that a single magic position, move, or trick will blow your man's mind every time. Reality is a lot messier than that.

Everything Before Foreplay Sets the Stage

You've probably noticed that your mindset and actions leading up to sex shape how good the sex itself turns out. When you feel emotionally close to your partner, or he's so attractive you can't stop touching him, you already understand this firsthand. But if the two of you are in the middle of a fight (unless make-up sex is the plan) or you're with someone new whose trust you haven't earned yet, you may hold back — and the sex suffers.

Knowing that, it makes sense to get into the right headspace before things get physical. But if you're like many women — and plenty of men too — that's easier said than done. Roughly 30% of women experience what's known as responsive desire [3 p 225].

With responsive desire, arousal doesn't just appear spontaneously. Certain conditions need to be present to spark it — feeling loved, a particular sight or sound, or a specific kind of touch.

For some people, physical arousal has to kick in before desire follows.

So you might not feel like you actually want sex until after things have already started, and that's entirely normal. If that sounds like you, you may need to give yourself a gentle push to begin even before the mood strikes, trusting that desire will catch up.

Learn: The different types of sexual desire.

That said, be careful here. If good sex is what you're after, stop having sex purely to make someone else happy. Only have sex you genuinely want to have.

But if experience tells you you'll end up satisfied once things get rolling, even without that initial spark, it's fine to go for it anyway.

Working Your Way Toward Good Sex

Once sex is on the table, don't rush — let the buildup breathe. That might mean sexting back and forth all day, showering and shaving, or slipping into something you feel sexy in... whatever gets your head in the right place.

Start With Flirting

Flirting with your partner still matters, even years or decades into a relationship. Think back to the early days, when not knowing what would happen next kept the tension electric.

That tension is a massive part of what turns merely good sex into truly unforgettable sex.

Read More: Why Sexual Tension Is The Single, Most Powerful Sex Move

• Touch him playfully without diving straight into sexual territory.
• Laugh with your head tipped back.
• Lean in close while you're talking.

Get more tricks for flirting.

You can do all of this while watching a movie on the couch, over a home-cooked dinner, or even on a first date.

Drawing things out slowly actually builds even more sexual tension.

Tease each other. Light, glancing touches work great. Touch him over his clothes. Move his hands onto yours. Try out everything in this post about teasing.

Show a little skin — hike your skirt up slightly or let a strap slip. A subtle sway in your hips as you walk by him helps too.

By the time your lips finally meet, it should feel charged.

You'll be itching to speed up. Of course you will. But a slower pace pays dividends. Research suggests many women need substantially more stimulation than men to reach orgasm — often 10 to 20 minutes [4, 5]. A longer buildup tends to correlate with better-rated sex, and switching between different activities raises your odds of orgasm too [6].

Ease Into It

Taking your time allows nerves to fade and comfort to build. Without that comfort, genuine relaxation is nearly impossible — and relaxation is key to good sex. Physical surroundings matter here as well, so fresh sheets and a comfortable room temperature go a long way.

New to this partner? Some anxiety is completely normal — wondering if he likes what he sees, questioning whether you're compatible. Comfort still matters just as much with someone casual, even if it looks different than with a longtime partner. You might…

• Have a drink (just don't let it compromise consent).
• Cuddle to learn how he likes to be touched.
• Dim the lights so you don't feel like you're on display.
• Keep condoms or dental dams within arm's reach.

Once Good Sex Is Underway

By now you might be half out of your clothes, hands and mouths all over each other. Explore your partner's whole body with your hands and mouth (blowjob tips here). Nearly any part of the body can become sexual — collarbones, breasts, necks, ears, hips, thighs, even the backs of the knees all count as erogenous zones.

Ramp Up the Foreplay

This is where making out really takes over — deep kisses, bodies pressed and moving together. Eventually clothes come off entirely, or just get pushed out of the way. Hands find their way to genitals as breathing quickens and moans escape.

Related: Discover How to Give a Hand Job

Lips move lower — licking, sucking, exploring. Deep kissing combined with manual and/or oral stimulation is the combo most likely to bring a woman to orgasm during sex [7]. You might already have climaxed at this point! But there's still more to come.

Getting the Most Out of the Moment

Protect yourself – Reach for a condom before penetration if that's your preferred method. Rolling it onto him yourself can be part of the fun too (here's how to use condoms). Knowing you're protected from STIs and pregnancy lets you relax and stay in the moment instead of worrying.

Reach for lube – Lube is a game-changer, even if you're already thoroughly aroused. It eases initial penetration, cuts down friction during thrusting, and keeps things comfortable no matter how long sex goes. More about lube.

Reapply whenever it's needed. Bonus tip: a little lube inside the condom feels great for him too.

Take the initiative – Reaching for that condom yourself sends a clear message. Undressing yourself, stripping him down, or climbing on top are all great ways to kick sex off on your terms, and he'll probably welcome the change. Several studies show women initiate sex less frequently than men do [8, 9, 10], though that gap has been narrowing in more recent research [11]. Taking charge more often could bring fresh energy into your sex life.

Find out how to initiate sex.

Don't hide your enthusiasm – Real, visible excitement is part of what makes sex good. Make eye contact, smile, reach for your partner, keep your body engaged. Dirty talk fits well here too, letting him know precisely what feels good or what you want next.

Moan close to his ear. Sound cues encourage your partner (and can even signal when you want him to finish) while boosting his confidence.

Whatever else you do, stay active — don't just lie there passively.

Take the lead – Plenty of men love nothing more than a partner who takes control. Flip him onto his back and ride him (tips here), using his body to chase your own pleasure until you finish. Pin his wrists above his head. Guide his head with your hands while he's going down on you.

You can push further too — give directions, tie him up, even spank him.

Get more ideas to dominate your man in bed.

Not into taking control? That's fine too — you can be submissive in bed instead.

Stay present – Like a lot of women, you might catch your mind wandering off — tracking how you look or critiquing your own performance. This has a name: spectatoring [12 p 99].

It's tougher to break than it sounds — telling yourself to stop judging often just triggers more judgment.

Instead, redirect toward physical sensation. Close your eyes if it helps. When a distracting thought pops up, notice it, let it go, and return your focus to what's actually happening. With practice, this becomes second nature.

This is a form of mindfulness, which research connects to higher sexual satisfaction [13] and greater pleasure for women [14]. It might even help you learn how to cum.

Say what you want out loud – If sex is meant to be pleasurable for you too, you'll need to speak up — a specific activity, technique, or small adjustment like harder, softer, faster, slower, or a different angle. A quick, breathy request usually does the job without killing the mood.

If you're already in the lead, phrase it as a command, or simply steer his hand, head, or body where you want it.

Setting expectations before clothes even come off can help, since talking about sex often feels awkward — our guide to sexual communication goes into this in more depth.

Mix things up – Most people don't want to be locked into a single position for the whole encounter (though there's nothing wrong with that if it's what you both want — just say so). There are dozens of positions to keep things interesting — doggy style hits the G-spot, cowgirl puts you in control, Thigh Tide delivers clitoral stimulation, and many more each bring something different to the table.

Related: 119 Sex Positions to Try

Some positions will click right away, others won't do much for you. Keep trying new ones with your partner so you build a shared sense of what actually works for you both.

Bring in some tools – Sometimes you need pressure, power, or a type of stimulation that a body alone can't provide. That's where toys step in. Dildos and vibrators make orgasm easier to reach and sex more fun, easing the pressure on either partner. Blindfolds, restraints, ice, cock rings, paddles, and floggers are all worth considering too.

Explore new territory – Beyond toys, there's plenty more worth trying (here's a short list). Curious about anal (read: How to Have Anal Sex)? Interested in role-play? You could masturbate side by side, experiment with edging and orgasm control, or talk through fantasies — and maybe try acting one out. Keep your curiosity alive.

Keep it consistent – As orgasm nears, many women need steady, unwavering stimulation. Your partner might not pick up on this, or he might tire out right before you get there. A breathless cue or instruction helps a lot here — let him know he's doing it right, that you're almost there, or just to keep going exactly as he is.

Keeping Good Sex Going Long-Term

Everything above gets you set up for good sex today, but there's always room to keep improving. Staying curious and open to exploring makes sex better than you probably imagined. Our guide to improving your sex life walks through the mindset shifts that help most.

A handful of habits can strengthen your sex life right now and set the stage for even better sex down the road.

Read More: How to Have Better Sex

Learn Your Own Body

Understanding your desires, body, and preferences is the foundation of sex that genuinely feels good — you can't ask for what you want if you don't know what that is yet. Start by studying your own anatomy or brushing up on what actually feels good to you.

There's one surefire way to figure this out: masturbate.

Related: How To Masturbate (For Women)

On your own, there's zero pressure to perform or finish — you're just discovering what works. Once you know, you can share that knowledge with your partner, or even masturbate together and compare notes.

Getting a handle on your turn-ons and turn-offs is a huge part of this process. Sex researchers often refer to these as "accelerators" and "brakes," since they either rev your sex drive up or bring it to a screeching halt.

Accelerators are anything that puts you in the mood — getting dressed up and doing your makeup, or the opposite: curling up with an erotic story or some porn. For many women, masturbation itself acts as the accelerator.

Discover what our readers say makes them horny.

You'll notice a lot of overlap here with the buildup phase covered earlier.

That said, no amount of effort spent on turn-ons will matter if turn-offs are actively getting in the way. You need to release those "brakes" first. Here's how.

Start by pinpointing what your brakes actually are. Common ones include:

• Poor body image or low self-esteem [15]
• Tension within the relationship
• Stress
• Depression or anxiety
• Medication side effects
• Worry about pregnancy or STIs

Plenty of other brakes exist too, some fairly specific to you. It's up to you and your partner to reduce these wherever possible, even if only temporarily. You may not be able to erase every ounce of work stress, but your partner could offer a massage to work out some physical tension. A guided massage can also help keep you mindful and grounded in the moment.

Return the favor whenever you can, to keep the connection mutual.

Get tips for giving a sensual massage.

For bigger issues, though, expect this to take time. Body image struggles built over years won't disappear overnight — expect a slow process of rebuilding a healthier relationship with your body and self-worth.

A therapist or doctor can help with deeper issues, particularly anything connected to your physical or mental health, or medication side effects standing in the way.

A professional can also help sort out one especially common roadblock to better sex...

Deal With Relationship Issues

Sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are tightly linked. Relationship trouble tends to drag sex down with it — or shut it down altogether. Problems outside the bedroom don't just vanish once the door shuts. Struggles with arousal, orgasm, or erections often trace back to unresolved relationship issues you haven't addressed, or won't acknowledge.

No amount of bedroom experimentation fixes dissatisfaction with your partner as a person.

No technique or position can solve a problem that's really rooted in relationship trouble.

Skip that outside work, and your sex life will likely keep struggling.

Schedule Sex In

You can't make better sex you're not actually having.

Life gets busy, we get it.

But if sex isn't treated as a priority, it can disappear entirely — taking with it the physical pleasure, mental health perks, and closeness sex provides. One simple fix: put it on the calendar. Plan a date night that's likely to lead to sex. Ship the kids off to your parents' for a night or a weekend. Book a hotel getaway to reconnect.

Some people bristle at the idea of scheduled sex.

We're not saying sex every Friday at 8pm on the dot — repeating the exact same routine at the exact same time can actually work against you. But setting aside uninterrupted time when sex is an option, if you're both up for it, can leave you relaxed enough to genuinely enjoy it — good sex, not the mechanical, going-through-the-motions kind.

Keep Talking About Sex

We already covered communicating during sex, which handles small in-the-moment tweaks. But talking about sex outside the bedroom matters just as much. That could be as low-key as browsing a toy site together or sending an article from Love Curi to spark ideas or gauge his interest.

Eventually bigger topics will surface that need a real conversation.

Maybe you need to come clean about having faked orgasms. Maybe you want to bring up something kinky, or a threesome. People tend to overthink these conversations, convincing themselves they're weird for wanting what they want, or that being honest will push their partner away.

Here's the truth: whatever you're going through, someone else has already been through it. Odds are your partner will take it in stride, or you'll work through any initial surprise as a team.

Related: Discover the Most Common Sexual Fantasies

The key is directness. Don't assume he already gets it. Spell it out so you're both on the same page.

The sooner you build the habit of talking about sex, the more natural it becomes. Treat it like any other routine conversation. Assume these talks won't wreck your relationship. Normalize the idea that discussing sex is healthy, not something to be ashamed of.

Once open communication becomes routine, small concerns get resolved before they turn into bigger ones. You might even get specific enough to avoid committing long-term to someone sexually incompatible, rather than discovering the mismatch years later.

Dive deeper into the issue of sexual communication.

Keep Learning, Always

Like most things worth doing, sex is an ongoing journey. New fantasies, kinks, positions, and tools are always waiting to be discovered, which keeps your sex life feeling fresh for both of you. Maybe you swap a nighttime routine for shower sex some morning, or move from missionary-only to pegging with a strap-on for prostate stimulation. There's always something new once you know it's an option.

Staying informed matters as your life evolves too. Pregnancy and divorce are the obvious examples, but they're far from the only changes that ripple into your sex life. Check any new diagnosis or medication for potential sexual side effects, and understand how things like menopause or andropause factor into sex and beyond.

Plenty of resources exist to keep you learning — sites like this one, podcasts, books. Don't rule out your doctor either (they've genuinely heard everything) or sex toy shops, some of which run classes or demos.

No matter how much you already know, there's always more to discover. You'll find there's no single formula for good sex with your partner — every new bit of knowledge just becomes one more tool in your kit, something you might even pass along to someone else eventually.

As you learn and experiment, some things will land and others won't. That's simply part of figuring out how to have good sex — and the process of discovery is genuinely enjoyable in its own right.

Good sex is something everyone deserves, but getting there is on you. Nobody else can do that work for you.

Resources

The Guide to Getting it On by PsyD Paul Joannides is a massive, 600-plus-page resource that's picked up awards and even found its way into college courses.

Ph.D. Carol Queen wrote the Sex & Pleasure Book for toy retailer Good Vibrations, covering a broad range of topics aimed at helping you have better sex.

Babeland also offers sex advice in the colorfully illustrated Moregasm, touching on everything from toys to anatomy — more of an intro than an exhaustive guide.

Dr. Laurie Mintz breaks down how mindfulness can improve sex over on Psychology Today.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Why can't I recreate good sex I've had before?

Maybe you've had sex before that felt incredible, and you've tried recreating it recently without much success. What's going on?

Sex is about more than just the specific moves involved.

Sometimes there's a spark or energy in a given moment that just can't be forced. Maybe you had unusual chemistry with a past partner that simply isn't present now. You might also be undermining yourself by trying too hard to force good sex to happen, or chasing orgasm too directly. Fixating on the destination means you miss the ride.

If there are specific things you know you need for sex to feel good or lead to orgasm, keep doing them. But also let sex unfold naturally sometimes. You might be surprised by how good sex can be when it's new or unpredictable.

FAQ # 2 – Does sex have to be long to be good?

It's a widely held assumption, but it isn't really true. If you're in the mood, well-lubricated, and have the stamina for it, a marathon session can be amazing. But dragging things out too long can also turn uncomfortable or tedious for both of you. Slow sex has its place, and so does an occasional quickie!

Read more about quickies.

FAQ #3 – What's the real key to good sex?

It'd be a stretch to say there's one universal key to good sex, but a handful of ideas consistently help:

Use lube – whether you're being penetrated by toys or body parts, his or your own. Plenty of women enjoy lube while masturbating too.

Talk to your partner about sex – make it a regular habit so issues get worked out and your sexual horizons keep expanding.

Explore your sexuality – toys, BDSM, roleplay, watching porn together, or any other kink or fetish that catches your interest (check out the whole list). This takes both of you staying open-minded.

These broader principles open the door to more specific discoveries and can keep your sex life fun and fulfilling. You might stumble onto something we haven't covered here that makes sex good specifically for you — and that's completely fine.

January 23, 2021