Giving A Deeply Relaxing Sensual Massage + Video Demos

Note: Video demonstrations are further down the page.

There are plenty of reasons to give your guy a massage. Maybe he's dealing with serious work stress, and coming home to a relaxing massage can lift his mood and release built-up tension. Beyond that, offering touch is a genuinely intimate way to show how much you care.

If you've been hoping he'll return the favor, one of the best ways to encourage it is giving him one first, it shifts his mindset while giving him a casual, informal demonstration of technique for when it's his turn.

While sensual massage makes a great lead-in to foreplay (learn everything about foreplay here) and potentially a long, intimate evening, it doesn't always need to lead anywhere physical. It's simply a chance to be close, to snuggle, and to enjoy "pillow talk," genuinely important for maintaining open, honest communication.

Plenty of people who want to give a massage simply never do, not from lack of interest, but fear of getting it wrong or disappointing their partner. There's really no need to pile that pressure on yourself, nearly everyone loves (and benefits from) the power of touch. And technique improves fast with practice.

If you're looking to learn how to give a massage, this guide offers plenty of practical techniques as a starting point. That said, you don't need to master every single technique immediately. Start with just one or two.

Some women find it helpful to recall their last genuinely great spa massage. Picture the techniques, mood, and pressure that made it memorable, then try recreating that for your partner. He'll appreciate the effort, enjoy the experience… and honestly, he'll probably be asking for round two before long.

Benefits Of Massage

Plenty of massage benefits are common knowledge. You probably already know it can work out neck kinks and ease muscle pain, back pain especially [1, 2]. But did you know it's also proven effective against arthritis symptoms, anxiety, depression, cancer-related discomfort, fibromyalgia, and more [3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10 ]? Circulation improves too [11, 12].

Of course, it's deeply relaxing too, and it can lift your mood and support immune function. Energy levels can climb as well [13]. Even solo trips to a massage therapist deliver these benefits.

It's not one-sided, either. Giving a massage can lower your own anxiety and boost your mood [15].

Massage is a fantastic foreplay ingredient, but even entirely non-sexual, it can deepen your bond, likely because touch itself communicates emotion [16].

Massage Risks

Massage offers real benefits, but a few risks exist if technique isn't quite right [17, 18]. Pinching can cause brief pain, and overly deep pressure can leave lingering soreness. Avoid twisting limbs unnaturally, and be extra cautious around existing injuries.

Reassuringly, massage is very unlikely to trigger a stroke [19].

Massage does release muscle waste products into the bloodstream, and in rare extreme cases this can trigger a condition called rhabdomyolysis [20], one contributor to post-massage soreness [21].

Dilute carrier oils properly to prevent skin irritation, and double-check hot stones aren't hot enough to burn. Massage candles set a nice mood too, but test the wax temperature first, it melts at a low point but can still run quite warm. Pour from height to let it cool as it falls.

Fortunately, actual injury from massage is genuinely rare [22].

Setting The Mood

Think back to your last professional massage. The space was probably clutter-free, with a subtle, pleasant scent noticeable right when you walked in.

Soft "spa" music likely played even at check-in. Lighting stays dim throughout most spas, and the actual massage room often layers in low light, calming scents, and an overall soothing vibe.

In other words, relaxation begins before the massage therapist even arrives.

At home, take a little time (whatever you can spare) to build that same zen atmosphere in your chosen room.

Setup doesn't need to eat up much time (a few minutes usually does it) or cost much, but it's worth putting in the same care a spa owner would.

Need extra prep time? Running him a warm bath beforehand helps his muscles loosen up and eases him into the experience.

Music

YouTube hosts plenty of channels dedicated to relaxing instrumental music perfect for a spa vibe, videos ranging from an hour to eight-plus hours long.

Plenty of platforms also sell CDs, DVDs, and digital downloads geared specifically toward relaxation, nature sounds, ambient noise, and more. Amazon, iTunes, and Google Play carry thousands of options (Carlos Nakai, Celtic harp music, and Enya are popular picks among massage therapists).

Internet radio offers no shortage of relaxing tracks too, this Pandora playlist is a great free option.

Lighting

Dim lighting builds a warm, cozy, almost ethereal feel. A few scattered tealights provide just enough glow. Aromatherapy candles work double duty here too, since smell is arguably our most powerful sense. More on that below.

Want more scene-setting ideas? Check our guide to tantric massage.

Room Fragrance And Aromatherapy

Research shows the brain's emotional center, the limbic system, connects directly to our sense of smell. Certain scents can shift mood dramatically, and easily trigger memories tied to past experiences.

Building on this, aromatherapy theorizes essential oils carry a real pharmacological effect (unproven scientifically so far, though early clinical results look promising).

Diffusers work by gently heating essential oils, usually via tealight, releasing a pleasant, therapeutic scent. You can also apply oils directly through bathwater or massage (checking first for any sensitivities).

Trying to pick the right oil for relaxation or sensual massage? Here are seven common options and their reported effects.

Lavender

Used for centuries to soothe minor cuts and burns, lavender's real popularity today comes from its relaxing effect, its ability to ease insomnia, and its help with headaches [23].

Chamomile

A genuinely powerful calming agent, widely used for better sleep among insomnia sufferers thanks to its mild sedative effect [24]. It can also ease anxiety [25].

Lemon Oil

Said to boost mood, and particularly effective against stress and low mood.

Vanilla Oil

Arguably the most beloved essential oil around, and not just for flavoring food. Vanilla oil is known for its calming, comforting, relaxing qualities.

Jasmine

Jasmine's seductive, floral-fruity scent has been prized by perfumers for centuries. It's said to ease depression and calm emotions, while also carrying a reputation as an aphrodisiac.

Sandalwood

Sandalwood has a genuinely distinctive scent, and the tree portion it's derived from takes 50 to 80 years to mature. It's associated with meditative calm, easing anxiety and anger, and better sleep. Its pheromone-like quality also earns it an aphrodisiac reputation.

Bergamot

A popular fragrance note, bergamot is said to lift mood and ease anxious feelings.

A word of caution on essential oils: despite their benefits, they're potent and can irritate skin. Always dilute a few drops into a carrier oil like jojoba, coconut, almond, or olive. Never exceed 1 drop of essential oil per teaspoon of carrier oil [26], or roughly 10 drops per ounce for adults [27].

Room Temperature

Remember, he'll likely remove his shirt during the massage, so keep the room comfortably warm. A freshly dried, warm sheet or flannel blanket can help keep him cozy throughout.

Massage Techniques

To be crystal clear, massage is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer a partner. It's intimate, pleasurable, and a genuine act of generosity. If you're not confident yet, don't stress. It genuinely gets easier with practice.

Let's dive into some simple but effective techniques.

NOTE: For each of these, he'll lie face down while you work his upper and lower back.

1. Kneading

If you've ever kneaded bread dough, this technique will feel instantly familiar. It's a staple of Swedish massage [28].

Use both palms and wrists to work the muscles deeply through small semicircular motions. Apply pressure through your palms, turning your right hand clockwise and left hand counterclockwise.

Alternate rhythmically between hands, keeping wrists fairly straight (excessive bending strains your own muscles and can cause wrist pain later).

2. Stripping

Lay one hand flat against his back, fingers pressed together, then stack your other hand directly on top, using the top hand to apply pressure. Keep the bottom hand as relaxed as possible.

The goal: deeper pressure on the muscle itself, helping tension release faster and more completely.

3. Fanning

Start both hands flat, fingers together, moving steadily across a muscle group. As one hand finishes its pass, the other follows close behind, slightly further along.

Alternate hands as you move down (or up) his back, shoulders to lower back or vice versa. Need more pressure? Fold your fingers slightly at the knuckle while keeping them pressed together, "knuckling" makes extra pressure easy to apply. Always check in on his comfort level as you adjust.

4. Deep Tissue Work

Deep tissue massage skips the steady rhythm of other techniques, instead targeting specific trouble spots where tension, stiffness, and chronic pain tend to settle.

Shoulders and shoulder blades often hold the most tension. A guy glued to a keyboard all day, or handling heavy lifting regularly, likely carries real tightness there.

Start by warming a little massage oil between your palms through friction, making it more pleasant and workable.

Spread it across his upper shoulders (over the trapezius muscles), rubbing gently. You'll start noticing where tension has settled. For more pressure, stack one palm atop the other and lean your body weight in (same principle as stripping above).

Find a knotted spot? Stay with it. Knots often form from stress [29]. Steady pressure until you feel it loosen or shift tends to work well. Smaller knots respond nicely to focused thumb pressure.

Another trick for stubborn shoulder tightness: roll a tennis ball firmly but gently across the area.

5. Hot Stones

Hot stone massage transmits heat deep into muscle tissue. Paired with other techniques, it delivers deep relaxation without much physical effort on your part.

Warning: Improperly handled hot stones can burn. Stay in the room the entire time, and respond fast if he says they're too warm (going from uncomfortable to genuinely burned takes mere seconds). Never microwave the stones, a crockpot works far better.

While stones heat, apply a bit of oil to the area you'll work. Once cool enough to hold comfortably, use light effleurage strokes moving steadily across his back. Start with a stone in each hand at the shoulders, working down (staying close to the spine at first). At the lower back, move hands in opposite directions in an oblong pattern, working back up toward the shoulders and finishing at the neck.

Never linger too long on one spot, the heat needs to keep moving to penetrate evenly. Continue until the stones cool.

6. Cupping

For something different, try cupping, an ancient Chinese practice [30] some massage practitioners and kink enthusiasts alike incorporate. It may help ease pain [31, 32, 33].

The two most common methods are vacuum pump and fire [34]. Both place a small cup on skin (usually the back) and create suction [35].

Pump cups manually draw air out to build suction. Fire cupping involves briefly igniting an alcohol-soaked cotton ball, dipping it in the cup, then placing the cup immediately on skin, the flame consumes oxygen to create suction. Move quickly so the flame doesn't die before placement.

Vacuum cups skip the fire risk entirely, with a similar sensation from the suction itself. Skin should feel tight, not painful. Release the seal when finished, a bruise-like mark may linger briefly.

Sensual Massage

Non-sexual touch matters enormously, whether from a therapist or a partner, but sometimes an erotic massage is exactly what's called for. This is Love Curi, after all.

For a sensual massage leading toward foreplay, staying physically close throughout works well, and a full-body approach is worth considering.

For extra intimacy, try sitting on his glutes while working his shoulders and lower back, more physical contact means more closeness.

Discover more techniques for sensual massage.

The inner thigh is a major erogenous zone, so once his back is done, have him roll over and gently work this area (go easy, it's extremely sensitive).

The stretch from belly button to genitals is also highly erogenous (see more male erogenous zones), worth a few gentle minutes of attention. The head of his penis (the glans) is especially responsive to touch, as is the small ridge where glans meets shaft. Light pressure goes a long way here. For more, check out this detailed hand job guide.

An erotic massage culminating for him is often called a "happy ending," enjoyable for both of you. Get tips in this post.

A related style focused on erotic power and energy is called a lingam massage.

Related: The Ultimate Guide To Giving A Satisfying Lingam Massage

From here, you'll likely find yourselves easing straight into passionate foreplay. More on that here.

Self-Massage

All these benefits might have you wanting one yourself, too. Seeking out a professional is completely fine if a partner isn't available or willing. Or use these same techniques on yourself.

Your free arm, thighs, legs, neck, and stomach are all fair game solo. A few self-massage tips:

• Roll a tennis ball under your feet for sore arches.
• Lie down with knees bent, feet flat, and place two tennis balls under your lower back for relief.
• Sandwich a tennis ball between your back and a wall for back and shoulder tension.
• Invest in a trigger point tool for your back, or a foam roller for legs, shoulders, and hips.
• Give tired calves extra love after wearing heels.
• Add heat or cold for variety (ice packs, heating pads, specialty oils).
• Massage in oil whenever you apply it.
• Use fingers, fists, even elbows on yourself.

The key with self-massage: don't strain trying to reach awkward spots like your back. Simple tools like a tennis ball make it far easier and safer.

Learning to give a massage isn't hard, it just takes practice. But few things match the power of touch. Whatever your motivation, he'll genuinely appreciate the effort.

Resources

The video below covers 5 highly effective techniques you can try on your partner (the demonstrator might not look like your typical masseuse, but he genuinely knows his stuff).

You'll also find great neck and shoulder techniques here:

This video by Buzzfeed walks through the ancient practice of fire cupping.

This article by John Cloud for Time dives into real-time physiological effects of receiving a massage.

Michelle Trudeau breaks down what happens to your body and brain during touch in this NPR piece.

What The Science Says

You might be surprised at how much research exists on massage's effects for both giver and receiver.

Touch activates pressure receptors called Pacinian corpuscles beneath the skin [36], sending signals to the brain via the vagus nerve [37], a major nerve bundle tied to immune function, heart rate, digestion, and oxytocin release [38].

Unsurprisingly, massage has been shown to boost oxytocin [39] and mood, though not every study confirms this. You probably know oxytocin as the "cuddle hormone" [40], which rises with hand-holding or sex [41]. It also builds trust between people [42] and fosters closeness [43, 44].

Oxytocin also triggers a physiological wave that slows heart rate [45], lowers blood pressure [46, 47, 48], and deepens relaxation. Even holding hands produces an immediate calming effect [49], imagine what a full massage delivers.

Studies also show massage lowers cortisol production [50, 51, 52, 53], the stress hormone released by your adrenal glands. Cortisol suppresses immune function by blocking T-cells [54], and since stress disrupts sleep and digestion too, these benefits linger well past the massage itself [55].

The relaxation response can boost serotonin too [56, 57], a mood-regulating hormone, some depression medications even target serotonin production directly [58].

Counterintuitively, fifteen minutes of massage can actually raise adrenaline, boosting alertness [59].

Research shows the orbital frontal cortex responds to touch (alongside taste and smell) [39, 60, 61]. Picture how your brain responds to chocolate, it treats touch similarly. Genuinely powerful stuff.

Other brain regions activated by massage include the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex and the retrosplenial/posterior cingulate cortex [62].

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Why bother giving my partner a massage?

Massage relaxes giver and receiver alike, and stress is a well-known libido killer, making massage a genuinely great foreplay warm-up. Even without sex following, it eases pain [63], and might just earn you one back.

Beyond that, non-sexual touch matters deeply in relationships, and trading massages builds real intimacy.

FAQ #2 – How do I know I'm doing it right?

Just like sex, everyone's different when it comes to massage. Our guidelines offer a starting point, but the real answer is asking him directly. Try, "How does this feel?" or "Is this pressure good?" while you work, and watch his body language too. Sudden tension usually means something's off.

Let him know feedback is welcome so you can improve, creating space for honest comments prevents him from silently enduring a technique that isn't landing.

Our guide to sexual communication offers more tips that apply here too.

Turning it into a game can help, try each technique for 60 seconds on different areas, then ask what he liked most, then do more of that.

FAQ #3 – How long should it last?

There's no fixed answer in minutes or hours, it depends on real factors. Sore joints might shorten your session naturally. And if it segues into sex, or a sensual stroke brings him to orgasm, that's your natural endpoint.

Some couples set a timer to split attention evenly. Keep an eye on the clock, but don't stop abruptly when it goes off, that can feel jarring.

If it's not building toward a natural finish, wind down gradually, slow your pace, soften your strokes. A few gentle passes along his back, sides, and arms signal you're wrapping up. Rest your hands briefly before pulling away entirely.

FAQ #4 – Do I really need oil?

Not strictly required, but strongly recommended. Oil lets your hands glide smoothly without tugging or catching, easier on him and on your own hands. Warm oil enhances the experience further, and a good scent adds relaxation on top.

Psst, silicone-based lube works great as a massage glide too. More on lube here.

November 15, 2020