How To Get Horny: Your Arousal Cycle Explained (Plus 11 Techniques)

There's nothing quite like the feeling of being turned on — racy thoughts, a pulse you can practically hear in your ears, a reminder of just how alive your body can feel. Extended stretches of arousal set the stage for incredible sex and knee-buckling orgasms. And the process of figuring out what gets you horny is also a window into yourself, one you can pass along to a partner so they know how to please you better too. If you're wondering how to get in the mood for sex right now, the tips below can help.

*By the way, we reached out to subscribers of our discreet sex tips newsletter and asked them to share their own experiences and strategies for getting aroused, feeling horny, and getting in the mood for sex. Their answers appear as quotes throughout this guide to add some real-world perspective.

You could jump straight to the practical tips for getting yourself horny by clicking here, but I'd encourage you to keep reading first — understanding the mechanics behind arousal will help you make sense of what actually puts you in the mood and gets you horny.

Why Your Sex Drive Isn't the Same as Anyone Else's

If you landed here hoping to figure out how to get aroused and in the mood, there's a good chance you're frustrated — either your sex drive feels low, or it doesn't match your partner's. That's completely normal, and it doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong. It may just mean your sex drive hasn't been fully explained to you. Making sense of why arousal feels hard to reach starts with something researchers call the "dual-control model."

The Dual-Control Model

Researchers Bancroft and Janssen first introduced the dual-control model back in 2007 [1]. Their theory holds that sex drive isn't governed by a single system, but by two working together [2].

Factor #1: The sexual excitement system, or SES — essentially everything capable of turning you on. Whatever sparks arousal activates this system, and these triggers are called accelerators. Spotting someone attractive in person or on screen, a particular scent, the way your partner touches you, a song that gets you going, slipping into lingerie, or losing yourself in erotica — all of these press down on the accelerator, much like your foot on a gas pedal.

But the SES only tells half the story. There's a second system at play:

Factor #2: The sexual inhibition system, or SIS — essentially the opposite of the SES. Whatever activates this system dampens arousal, and these triggers are called brakes. Some brakes are fairly obvious. Stress ranks high on the list [3], as does feeling emotionally distant from your partner or struggling with body image [4]. Childhood trauma or abuse [5], depression, and even some medications can quietly act as brakes without you even realizing it.

You might question why sexual brakes even exist, but there's logic behind them — they keep us from pursuing sex that could be risky or from responding to stimuli that isn't actually appropriate. Without them, the SES would have free rein.

Trouble shows up when the balance between excitement and inhibition tips too far one way. Overly sensitive brakes mean you're easily turned off and struggle to get aroused. Brakes that are too loose can lead to unsafe sexual choices. Meanwhile, sensitive accelerators mean arousal comes quickly, while dull accelerators make arousal harder to reach.

A note for the men reading. Learn how to turn on your girl.

Men's accelerator systems tend to run more sensitive, while their brakes are typically less sensitive than women's. That said, the variation among women is actually greater than the variation between men and women as groups [6].

Older advice for getting aroused tended to focus solely on cranking up accelerators and pushing harder on the excitement system. But once the dual-control model came along, it became clear that many women actually need help lifting their foot off the brakes instead. So if getting horny feels like a struggle, there's nothing broken about you — the model you were working from just wasn't the right one.

Armed with this understanding, we can now offer advice that genuinely helps you get in the mood by both easing the brakes and boosting the accelerators.

The Stages of Arousal

Men and women also diverge in how arousal unfolds over time. You've probably encountered the classic 4-stage model that's explained the sexual response cycle for decades — first described by researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, covering excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution [7].

For men, this tends to graph as a fairly direct upward climb that peaks at orgasm before dropping.

Women's experience is rarely that tidy.

Researchers initially assumed women followed a similar 4-phase pattern, though they noted that excitement often arrived faster and the gap between plateau and orgasm was smaller than in men. Even the shape of the graph looked different — instead of a straight climb, women's arousal was described as a series of peaks and valleys, without even factoring in the possibility of multiple orgasms.

The Kaplan Model: Not everyone accepts that this framework fits women the way it fits men, though. In the 1970s, psychotherapist Helen Singer Kaplan proposed an alternative three-phase model built around desire, which leads into arousal and finally orgasm (resolution) [8]. Notably, the earlier model hadn't accounted for desire at all. Still, Kaplan's model has its own flaw — it assumes mental desire always precedes arousal, which isn't universally true.

Responsive Desire

That linear framework simply doesn't hold up for women whose desire works responsively rather than spontaneously.

What exactly does responsive desire mean?

It means desire shows up as a reaction to erotic circumstances — you might not feel any desire until after things with your partner are already underway. If this describes you, your accelerators may activate at a later point in the process compared to someone with spontaneous desire.

Some women have found that simply starting sex before they feel ready actually works [9]. It might take some deliberate effort to build that habit back up if it's been dormant a while. One subscriber to our Love Curi newsletter put it this way:

Schedule sex. I know it sounds completely unsexy, however, when you've been out of the mood for so long, sometimes you need to remind your body of how great sex can be. I promise after two or three times, spontaneity will come back into your sex life.

Responsive desire sits opposite spontaneous desire. Since men more commonly report spontaneous desire (though they can experience responsive desire too), women without that spontaneous spark sometimes worry something's wrong with them or that their desire is simply low. That's not accurate — it's just a different flavor of desire entirely.

It becomes obvious why a strictly linear model of sexual response fails to describe you if your arousal is responsive rather than spontaneous.

More recent frameworks have shifted toward circular [10] and non-linear [11] models instead. Researchers still haven't settled on one universal model for female sexual response — or whether a single model could even apply to everyone — but it's undeniable that men and women experience this process differently.

How To Get In the Mood For Sex

By now you understand that your personal arousal pattern is unique to you. Getting horny generally comes down to three moves:

Ease off your brakes – your sexual inhibition system (SIS) – Address whatever inhibitions are weighing on you, especially if they're numerous or particularly strong. Common inhibitors include stress, emotional distance from your partner, poor body image [4], childhood trauma or abuse [5], depression, certain medications, anxiety, fatigue, or anything else standing between you and arousal.

Lean into your accelerators – your sexual excitement system (SES) – Focus deliberately on whatever genuinely turns you on, whether that's an attractive person in real life or on a screen, a particular scent, a specific kind of touch from your partner, a song that does something to you, dressing provocatively, reading erotica, or any of the ideas outlined below.

Honor a responsive desire pattern if that's yours – For some women, horniness and arousal only show up after a partner initiates something sexual. Picture watching TV with zero arousal, and then your partner starts kissing your neck — suddenly you're fully turned on.

There's no universal formula for getting horny, but the real-world suggestions below, gathered from actual readers, should give you plenty of starting points.

1. Set The Scene

It's hard to feel horny if your surroundings don't feel remotely sexy.

Pick a scent you love and let it fill the room — candles, incense, room spray, or an essential oil blended into a plain lotion and massaged into your skin all work. Vanilla is a favorite for many women and shows up in most candle lines. Patchouli oil has centuries of use as an aphrodisiac known for boosting sex drive. Others respond to musk, peppermint, lavender, or jasmine, and even pumpkin pie or licorice can do the job.

Experiment until you find what clicks for you. Sometimes the most effective scent is simply your partner's — if that's the case, grab one of his t-shirts.

If candlelight isn't already setting the mood, dim the lights or switch to a single lamp. Draping a colored scarf over the lamp can deepen the ambiance further.

Next, engage your ears. Put on music if that helps set the tone — certain songs are genuinely arousing and can shift your headspace toward wanting sex. Our list of sexy songs runs over 450 tracks deep, with something for every taste.

Some women find that songs tied to memories of their partner work especially well.

2. Take A Shower

A shower is a go-to mood-setter for plenty of women. Let your hands wander slowly over your body and scalp as you wash, letting your thoughts drift somewhere a little dirtier. There's no need to rush.

If you're trying to figure out how to turn yourself on, sensual self-massage — like this reader describes — is worth trying:

If I want to turn myself on. I'll start with taking a long hot steamy shower with my favorite body wash. Low lights soft sexy music. And instead of using a washcloth or loofah I'll just use my hands to slowly wash myself everywhere pretending it's my lover running his hands all over my naked skin. I pay special attention to my breasts and nipples and work my way down slowly to my womanhood.

Once you step out, put on something that makes you feel sexy — or nothing at all.

Bonus tip: Use the flow of water from the shower head to stimulate your vulva.

Related: Planning shower sex with your partner? These 12 fun shower sex positions are worth trying.

3. Read Erotica

Few things transport you to fantasyland as quickly as a racy novel, making it one of the most dependable ways to get turned on. You can picture yourself inside the scenes, savor the parts that hit hardest, and revisit your favorite passages as often as you like. One reader called it the best way to get aroused because

my imagination can match what is happening in the story.

Crack open a book while waiting for your partner to arrive, or whenever you want quality time with your favorite vibrator. And there's a whole world beyond "50 Shades of Grey" — Alison Tyler's BDSM trilogy "A Story of Submission" recently concluded with its third installment, "Wrapped Around Your Finger," and it delivers.

Cleis Press has built a reputation around erotica, publishing everything from LGBTQ stories to bondage, stranger-sex scenarios, and fantasy-driven tales. Independent publishers offer plenty too — Anne Rice's "Sleeping Beauty" series reimagines classic fairy tales through an erotic lens, and Anne Desclos's "Story of O" is often credited as the novel that kicked off the genre entirely.

Need something free right now? Try Literotica.

If you'd rather keep your hands free, audio porn is available on Spotify and sites like http://soundsofpleasure.tumblr.com.

If reading gets you there, writing might too — you don't have to show anyone what you write. Keep it tucked away as a private indulgence, or read it aloud to your partner to build some heat.

4. Watch Something Sizzling

This doesn't have to mean porn, though it's great if that's what does it for you. Ditch the assumption that porn is inherently degrading toward women — plenty of women genuinely enjoy it just as much as men do.

If you're figuring out how to turn yourself on, videos of people masturbating, straight sex, girl-on-girl scenes, or guy-on-guy scenes can all be effective options.

There's an overwhelming amount of content out there, so it's tough to point to just one source. Mainstream porn turns plenty of women off, though — if you want something more tasteful, plot-driven, or romantic, Hot Movies for Her or Bright Desire (which calls itself "new age porn") might suit you better. Kink is a solid option if bondage is your thing, and director Erika Lust has built a career on content designed specifically with women's arousal in mind.

Once you find something that works, pass it along to your partner to get him interested too, like this reader does:

If my fiancé is doing something that I've seen before in porn, I automatically get more "in the mood."

A romantic film or a drama with a steamy scene — sexual or not — can work just as well. Some of our favorites include:

• The potter wheel scene in "Ghost"
• "Fear's" roller coaster scene
• Every scene in "Cruel Intentions"
• And the entirety of "Eyes Wide Shut"
• The handprint in "Titanic"

Toss "Wild Things," "Fatal Attraction," and "Showgirls" onto that list too. Factor in steamy TV moments and the list gets absurdly long — the Dean and Anna scene in the Impala's back seat from "Supernatural" is a personal favorite, and "Orange Is the New Black" has some surprisingly erotic beats too.

A number of readers also mentioned enjoying videos of their partners masturbating — you can film him, or he can send you one. Another option is revisiting a video of the two of you together.

5. Send Sultry Texts

This one won't just fire you up — it'll do the same for your partner. No surprise that plenty of readers pointed to flirty texting and sexting, with or without photos, as a favorite.

When I really want to get horny I'll either masturbate or I'll sext my guy. Sometimes I even send him dirty texts with plenty of innuendo.

Another thing I do is I send a suggestive text and my hubby. He knows when he gets that text it is time for him to respond throughout the day to help me get in the mood.

Sending flirty texts throughout the day builds anticipation for both of you by the time you're finally reunited. As one reader described it:

Nothing turns me on more than attention that starts hours before sex.

We wouldn't blame you if you can't wait that long and end up reaching into your nightstand before lunch.

If dirty talk isn't your strong suit, this guide on how to talk dirty, complete with 73 example lines, can help.

Related: 43 Sexy Text Messages To Send Your Man

Bring up a memory that gave you an amazing orgasm, or tease your partner about something you're planning to try. You could turn it into a guessing game about what you're wearing, or send a photo that hints at your outfit without revealing everything.

Another thing I do sometimes is wear lingerie under my work clothes and text him a teasing picture of the lace peeking out of my shirt or something. Then, I know the minute I walk through the door my clothes will be torn off.

Most messaging apps support photos, audio, and video, giving your partner something to see or hear that might have him rushing home early.

You could even go a step further and book a professional boudoir photographer for shots striking enough to hang in your bedroom. Beyond making a great gift, the process itself tends to give your confidence — and your libido — a real lift.

One caution worth mentioning: if you don't trust your partner completely, there's a risk those photos end up somewhere you didn't intend.

Single and worried you're missing out? No need — dating apps, Tinder, and Facebook mean there's always someone available for a flirty exchange, and it never has to escalate beyond a few playful messages if you don't want it to.

6. Use Sensual Touch

A huge number of women told us that physical touch is their main pathway to arousal — a sign they likely lean toward responsive desire, since the right touch does it for them. Of everything on this list, this tip involves your partner the most directly.

That covers everything from giving each other a regular massage or a sensual massage, to giving him a handjob (hand job guide) to something as simple as kissing. If flirty texting has already built anticipation through the day, you might find yourself surprisingly turned on the moment he actually touches you, with every touch sending a spark down your spine.

And the orgasms that come out of that extended buildup? Some of the best you'll have.

Read this if you want to learn how to orgasm every time.

Want proof this actually works? These reader responses say it all.

A nice calming yet sensual massage usually helps get a girl into the mood.

Sometimes it's as simple as touching your partner, too.

Giving my man a handjob (gets me going every time)

A partner helps, but isn't essential — your own hands are more than capable.

Grab a lubricant or lotion (coconut oil works well and won't break the bank) and glide it over your skin. It's a dependable route to arousal — as you work the lotion in, you'll likely notice your body starting to respond.

Another i love is basically caressing my breasts before masturbating or sexual intercourse sometimes. It's enjoyable using hands alone but adding a lube like baby oil or what not adds a nice touch. It may be even better if the man joins in

7. Masturbate

Most women only start masturbating after they're already feeling horny. But if your desire runs responsive, you can flip that order — start masturbating before you feel aroused and let it build from there. Take your time exploring with your fingers, covering every part of your vulva: the labia, the perineum leading toward the anus, and finally the vaginal opening itself.

I've put together an extensive list of 14 masturbation techniques that guarantee orgasm, complete with detailed illustrations, along with a separate guide here covering 8 more finger techniques for back-arching, loud orgasms.

Try different positions — play porn star in front of a mirror, stand, sit, get on all fours, or bend over the bed. One woman explained her reasoning:

In essence, I'm showing myself how I look and sound to a man when we're fucking.

Practicing different positions makes it easier to reach orgasm with a partner later on. For a deeper dive into anatomy and the most effective techniques, check out this powerful guide.

8. Use Toys And Other Tools

Your hands are far from the only option when you're figuring out how to get horny. Vibrators are one of the most reliable tools out there, and I put together a complete guide to using vibrators for maximum pleasure here.

Try out different styles of vibrator while exploring what turns you on. Rabbit-style vibrators target the clitoris directly. A curved one can make it easier to reach your G-spot (learn how to find it here), located roughly two inches inside the front vaginal wall — aim it toward your belly button for best results. A waterproof model can even be paired with your shower head for particularly intense sensations.

Speaking of showers, aiming a stream of water between your thighs from a handheld showerhead or tub faucet is a reliable way to get aroused. Positioning yourself over a hot tub jet works similarly — hold onto the tub's edge and let the pulsing water do the work.

Plenty of other toys can help set the mood too, including dildos (learn how to use a dildo), nipple clamps, butt plugs, and other anal toys.

Several readers mentioned blindfolds, even without an interest in kink more broadly. Removing sight sharpens your other senses and builds anticipation, which can be great for sexual tension — here's how one man described its effect on his partner:

By taking away her ability to see what is going on around her. That in turn puts her on edge (but in a good way) heightening her other senses to try to figure out her surroundings and what is happening to her body.

You can go further into bondage or other forms of sensory deprivation, but a simple blindfold is a solid entry point.

9. Shop for Sexy Little Somethings

Shopping is already a favorite pastime for a lot of women — take it further by browsing for lingerie, like this reader does:

Shopping for, trying on, wearing lingerie, especially to work. It's uncomfortable, but reminds me all day how hot my night will be when he discovers it.

Whether you go for a chiffon babydoll, a lacy bra-and-panty set, or a bodystocking, the options are nearly endless. The key to feeling sexy and aroused in lingerie is choosing pieces that feel good on your body and that make you feel good wearing them. One newsletter subscriber summed it up well:

The trick with picking an outfit is it has to make me feel sexy, not just turn my man on.

"Sexy" means something different to every woman, and sometimes it's something no one else even sees.

The thing that makes me feel the sexiest is my bra and panties. Even when I wear jeans, sweatshirt and ball caps my bra and panties make me feel like a million bucks.

Find more guidance on choosing great lingerie in this guide.

Don't forget accessories, either — a pair of kitten heels can make you feel like a different person entirely, and your partner may even ask you to leave them on.

Lingerie isn't the only shopping avenue worth exploring — browsing for sex toys can be just as effective, solo or with your partner, and online shopping keeps things private while still letting you compare prices.

Even before the lingerie or toy actually arrives, the anticipation of waiting for the package can keep you plenty turned on.

Also: You might want to learn the signs that you are really turning on your guy.

10. Use Your Imagination

The single most common technique Love Curi readers mentioned for getting horny is simply using their imagination. Our survey turned up three recurring themes: anticipating upcoming sex, replaying a memorable past encounter, and fantasizing about scenarios or people that may not be realistic at all.

A number of women described mentally building anticipation before sex even starts. Here are a couple of examples.

Try imagining in the mind of you and the person you are about to be intimate with already in the act. Also, imagine that it is extra steamy and hot by being touched in just the right spots and at the right pace.

Really visualize sex and go through it in your head focusing on what it will look like, feel like, smell like, taste like. I'm not saying the actual act has to be exactly how you visualized but it helps get you in the mindset and mood.

Simple enough, right? Recalling a past encounter works just as easily.

Think back to the last time sex left you with an incredible orgasm. Maybe it involved hair-pulling, restraints, or biting (more on having passionate and even rough sex). Maybe the setting made it — outdoor sex, or a toy your partner introduced. Whatever made that moment so good, revisiting it mentally can spark arousal all over again.

Other readers described replaying

the bouncing of his body against mine and how that feels

Hit the repeat button in you brain and think about the hottest intimate moments you have shared with your partner.

One woman's default fantasy is simply her first orgasm.

All I have to do is think of the amazing feelings that orgasm produced and I want to relive it again and again!!!

Some women share their fantasies openly with a partner, but that's entirely optional — especially if the fantasy involves someone else, which is more common than you'd think. A hot celebrity, your boss, or the cute barista down the street could all be tonight's mental muse.

You can also lean into scenarios like playing a dominatrix, being watched while masturbating (or being "caught" by your partner), consensual forced-sex roleplay, spanking, girl-on-girl scenarios, or a threesome (18 good threesome positions). In readers' own words:

I can imagine having sex with someone. Imagine them walking in, while playing with myself – and seeing the reaction they get = huge turn on.

Your fantasy doesn't need to reflect anything you'd actually want to do — it just needs to work as arousal fuel.

11. Have a Drink Or Smoke

Several readers mentioned that a drink or two helps get them aroused, and there's a real explanation for that. Alcohol reduces stress, and as covered earlier, stress is one of the biggest brakes on desire. On top of relaxation, it can also loosen inhibitions that might otherwise be holding you back.

Moderation matters here, though — overdoing it can lead to sloppiness, and research shows people make riskier choices about partners and contraception while intoxicated [12].

So pour a glass, settle into a warm bubble bath, and let your desire build gradually.

Cannabis came up too. One study found that half of women surveyed reported feeling more aroused after using it [13]. Regular cannabis users also tend to have more sex [14] and report fewer risky sexual decisions while high.

If neither of these appeals to you, plenty of other options on this list can get you there instead.

Whether you end up using every tip here or just one or two, that's perfectly fine. Sex drive varies from person to person and even day to day. Keep experimenting and adjusting, and you'll stay in control of your own libido.

Understanding Hormones and Desire

You may notice that arousal comes more easily some days than others, even when you're doing everything right with your accelerators and brakes. Hormones are often the reason. Your hormone levels shift throughout your menstrual cycle [15], and whether you intend it or not, your body prepares itself for potential pregnancy each month — essentially nudging you toward seeking a partner.

In theory, this nudge peaks around the midpoint of your cycle (day 14 in a typical 28-day cycle), coinciding with ovulation [16]. Some women do report a stronger pull toward penetrative sex during this window [17]. Many others notice a spike in desire right before their period starts instead, possibly linked to increased blood flow in the genital area.

Hormonal birth control — the pill, certain IUDs, implants, the shot, the patch — can all interfere with your body's natural hormone rhythm and shift the intensity of your desire as a result.

Since hormones play such a central role in desire, menopause has a major effect on sex drive for many women too. Natural menopause brings estrogen levels down, and desire can drop along with it. Oophorectomy surgery produces a similar effect [18] since it removes the ovaries, your body's main estrogen source — which is part of why some menopausal women find it harder to get horny.

Related: Sex After Menopause

Estrogen supplements, available as pills or creams, can help replenish some of what's lost. Talk to your doctor about hormone therapy, or look into over-the-counter options. For more strategies on boosting desire overall, see this article on increasing sex drive.

Menopause also affects natural lubrication, so a personal lubricant can be a helpful addition even for women who've never needed one before.

We're big believers in lube generally — everyone can benefit from it. Learn more in this post about lube.

Does Exercise Actually Help?

Anyone claiming to teach you how to get horny will probably bring up exercise at some point. Does that claim actually hold up?

There does seem to be something to it. Exercise gets blood flowing, which — as you'll see below — matters for arousal. It also supports overall health, and healthier bodies tend to have healthier libidos. A stronger, more toned physique also boosts how desirable many people feel, and you already know that feeling sexy translates into wanting sex — exercise is simply one route there.

Exercise also triggers a release of endorphins, the body's feel-good hormones. Once your heart rate climbs, you might find yourself craving something that feels even better [19]!

When Nothing Seems To Work

Sometimes the issue runs deeper than simply not feeling horny — depression can be a factor worth addressing directly. Interestingly, one antidepressant, Wellbutrin, has actually been shown to boost sex drive in some women, and it's worth raising at your next doctor's visit.

While depression and anxiety medications are frequently linked to lowered libido [20], they're not the only culprits — antihistamines, some heartburn medications, and even antifungals can interfere with sex drive too.

Most people know that blood pressure medication can affect a man's ability to get an erection (learn more about boners), but it can just as easily dampen a woman's desire [21]. While desire often originates in a woman's brain, blood flow to the genitals still matters for physical arousal. Talk to your doctor if any medication seems to be getting in the way of your ability to get turned on.

How Men Can Help Their Partners

While Love Curi is largely geared toward helping women explore their own sexuality, that exploration often benefits from a partner's support. Ladies, feel free to pass this section along.

Guys, here's how you can help her get horny — which ultimately makes the experience better for both of you.

1. Let Her Know You Want Her

Your partner doesn't just want to know you're in the mood for sex — she wants to feel like it's specifically her you want. There are countless ways to communicate that. What you say and how you touch her both matter (more on that shortly), but don't underestimate the impact of a look.

One of those looks of intent from my man. The kind that make me want to melt as he gives me a teasing kiss and whispers, "later, baby."

To me, the greatest aphrodisiac in the world is a person who thinks I'm sexy and desires me. How can you not help but be turned on?

2. Know Where To Touch Her

Plenty of readers described melting under the right touch — and we're not just talking below the belt. The collarbone comes up often as a favorite spot. The neck works well too. But don't just take our word for it.

Have him hold your face and kiss you slowly. Teasing you with his tongue. Kiss your neck and all along your collar. Works every time

Men tend to go straight down south. The body needs to be [awakened] waken before jumping right in.

Ears are another popular choice.

What really gets me going is when my man swirls his tongue around in my ear. It drives me insane and makes me willing to do absolutely anything he says. He also nibbles and gently bites my ear. It makes me so sensitive all over my body.

I absolutely love when my fiancé kisses the back of my shoulder up to my neck and ears!

Check out these 12 surprising erogenous zones and experiment with them before heading straight between her legs.

3. Show Her You Care

It might sound like a cliché that doing the dishes can put a woman in the mood, but there's real substance behind it. A few reasons explain why. For one, small acts of thoughtfulness communicate that you genuinely care, which makes her more receptive to sex. As one woman explained,

What works best for me is to come home from work to a clean house and dinner on the table

And when you pitch in around the house or with the kids, she actually gets the breathing room needed to relax and think about sex at all. As another reader put it:

We want our man to step in a give us a break in life so we have the time to feel sexy again.

Take note, gentlemen — she needs to feel sexy first in order to feel aroused.

How you approach these gestures can either spark her interest or shut it down entirely [4]. And both the frequency and quality of sex play a measurable role in overall relationship satisfaction [22].

4. Take Her Out

A proper date night carries real weight. Planning a date feels far more romantic than simply scheduling sex outright, and it gives both of you time to build anticipation. It also gives her a reason to dress up — both for you and for her own confidence.

If my husband texted me he was taking me out tonight and to get beautiful, I would be turned on and looking forward to the surprise of tonight!!

So plan something special — recreate your first date, revisit the night you got engaged, or try something completely new to create fresh memories. As long as the effort clearly shows she's the focus of your attention, arousal tends to follow naturally, and her attention will circle right back to you.

5. Respect Her Response Cycle

If you're not already familiar with your partner's arousal pattern, it's worth a conversation. Together you might identify which model best fits how she gets horny (see above for information on sexual response). Some women only experience desire after arousal has already begun, meaning enthusiastic oral sex might be what gets her there — you don't necessarily need to wait for desire to show up before stimulating her.

Several readers backed this up.

I find receiving oral can put me in the mood. It is more satisfying than having oral when I am already horny. And I mean oral that doesn't just concentrate on the clitoris, but everywhere down there. Even rimming gets me in the mood.

Well when I'll have [a] difficult time getting aroused, all it takes is oral sex to get me ready.

So don't give up just because she's not immediately in the mood. A sensual massage or oral sex before she's fully there mentally might be exactly what shifts things. One male reader shared his approach:

I lightly massage her back and buttocks and carefully kiss and caress her lower back, back of knees and around her vagina, around is key word.

Another survey respondent described how her partner's approach helps her get there.

Fleeting hands, then lingering hands. Kisses from behind and small whispers of things to come. Some times never before performed acts requested.

To be clear, we're not suggesting you pressure your partner into sex on the assumption she'll eventually come around. But if she's open to starting before she feels fully aroused, things can shift in a positive direction. Another idea some readers mentioned loving: masturbating while she watches.

What The Research Says

We've already touched on the dual-control model, first proposed in the early 2000s and still gaining traction today [23]. Beyond that, research into women's desire has advanced along three major fronts.

First, researchers developed the Female Sexual Desire Questionnaire, a tool that helps clinicians assess whether and how a (heterosexual) woman may be experiencing low desire [24]. The FSDQ spans 50 questions across six categories designed to help clinicians support their patients.

Second, researchers have explored whether a Viagra equivalent exists for women — and found that a drug targeting the genitals alone falls short, since female desire is so heavily rooted in the brain. Wellbutrin, an antidepressant, has shown promise for boosting desire in women [25].

Not every antidepressant helps with arousal, though. Wellbutrin operates differently from most depression medications, many of which fall into the SSRI category and are notorious for suppressing sex drive [26]. That makes Wellbutrin a useful option for women managing depression who don't want to sacrifice their sex drive in the process.

Resources

These resources offer additional insight into getting in the mood for sex.

• This story at the New York Times explores responsive desire and natural variation in sex drive.
• Check out 7 Sex Education Lessons From Emily Nagoski's 'Come As You Are' if reading the whole book isn't in the cards.
• Keep in mind that men are not great at knowing when their partners are turned on, which makes open communication essential — tell your partner exactly what gets you aroused and how they'll know when you are.
• Researchers still can't fully explain why so many women feel especially horny right before their period, but it's a widely shared experience.
• This Reddit thread offers a glimpse into the range of things that can spark arousal.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Is it normal to feel horny without being wet? What about feeling physically aroused without feeling mentally aroused?

A: Both scenarios are entirely normal, especially for women. Men are more likely to experience "concordance," meaning physical and mental arousal line up together [27]. The reverse is just as true for men.

Read More: How to Make Yourself Wet

Women experience concordance far less consistently — "non-concordance" is the norm instead. Many women report feeling aroused with little to no matching physical response, and the opposite happens too: physical signs of arousal without any mental horniness.

Q: Is it normal to not want sex and then suddenly change my mind?

A: Completely normal. For plenty of people, desire only kicks in after sexual activity has started, a hallmark of responsive desire — it reacts to the situation rather than preceding it. If that sounds like you, starting foreplay before you feel aroused may be the key.

Q: Should I have sex even when I'm not feeling horny?

A: It depends. No one should ever feel pressured into sex they don't want, but sex does carry real relationship benefits. If maintaining that connection matters to you and your partner, you might choose to have sex to stay close even when you're not fully in the mood.

Q: Why does it turn me on when my partner handles housework or the kids?

A: For many women, desire is closely tied to feeling loved and supported. So when your partner does the dishes, surprises you with dinner, or spends time with the kids, arousal can follow even though none of it is inherently sexual. That's a completely normal response.

Q: I've tried everything and nothing's working. What now?

A: It might be worth talking to a professional. If you suspect a biological cause, start with your primary care physician. If the block feels more mental or relationship-related, therapy could offer real answers.

Q: Why does it seem easier to get horny at certain points in my cycle?

A: Women often report feeling hornier right before their period starts — that's the phase where your body is gearing up for potential fertilization, and biology nudges you toward sexual activity accordingly. So even if pregnancy isn't the goal, that extra horniness is a natural side effect.

Q: I've been struggling since starting menopause — why is that?

A: Whether menopause is happening naturally or as a result of medical treatment, your body is undergoing real hormonal shifts, including a drop in estrogen — the hormone tied to both desire and natural lubrication. Talk to your doctor about hormone therapy if it's a concern, and lean on lube to keep things comfortable in the meantime.

Q: I feel horny constantly. How do I dial it back?

If nonstop horniness is interfering with your quality of life, our guide on how to stop being horny walks through practical steps to reduce arousal.

Q: My partner wants sex, but I struggle to get aroused — what should I do?

A: First and foremost, don't have sex if you genuinely don't want to. But often, getting in the mood just takes a bit more effort or a different approach — you may already have a sense of what works for you after reading this, or a few new ideas to try.

Either way, talk to your partner honestly about needing more time to get in the mood. Let him know what actually helps and why it matters for both your enjoyment and your connection as a couple. A good partner will want to understand and support that.

You can also try warming yourself up in advance using the tips above — this works especially well if you and your partner plan date nights or schedule sex ahead of time.

Whether you end up using every tip here or just a couple, that's completely fine. Sex drive is different for everyone and can shift from one day to the next. Keep experimenting, stay flexible, and you'll stay in control of your own libido.

October 31, 2020