14 Simple Ways To Have Better Sex Starting Tonight

Wondering how to have better sex? You're in good company. Plenty of women want to understand why real sex doesn't match what movies portray. Unfortunately, misleading sexual imagery combined with weak sex education in plenty of countries leaves us all a bit under-informed. Good news: this guide can genuinely help, and guys should read along too.

Break Free From The Sexual Script

The biggest thing holding back better sex for many women (and men) is rigid adherence to sexual scripts. Not really your fault, but there's genuinely something you can do about it.

A sexual script is essentially society's mental template for how sex "should" unfold between partners, guiding behavior in sexual situations [1]. Scripts vary across cultures, and it's easy to unconsciously follow one without ever recognizing you're doing it, let alone breaking free.

Here's a common U.S. script (though elements may apply elsewhere). Picture yourself with a male partner:

1. He initiates; you go along even without genuine interest.
2. Kissing and making out, maybe some clothed touching.
3. Clothes come off.
4. You go down on him. He might reciprocate briefly.
5. "Sex" begins: penetration. Your clitoris stays largely ignored.
6. He finishes. Done. He rolls over and sleeps.

Sexual scripts carry heavy assumptions about what sex should look like. In this example, you might not even want sex to begin with. Low desire means your body isn't ready, making things uncomfortable. Minimal foreplay compounds it further. Women often settle for a partner giving even token consideration to their pleasure, while fearing that requesting more will offend him or dent his ego.

91% of men consistently orgasm during sex, versus just 39% of women [2]. This gap has a name: the orgasm gap [3, 4, 5]. Notably, it shrinks among women who partner with other women [6, 7], likely because both partners prioritize clitoral attention. Dr. Laurie Mintz points to the assumption that orgasm must come from penetration as another contributor to this gap [8 p 6].

Following these scripts means falling into routines centered on his pleasure over yours. So...

Here's the real question:

How do you actually break free from these traditional scripts quietly sabotaging your pleasure?

1. Embrace Your Body

Step one for plenty of women: genuinely accepting, owning, and loving their body. It's a gradual process, especially given constant exposure to unrealistic imagery online. We're also fed narrow standards for what's "attractive," thin, busty, often blonde and white.

Real bodies are far more varied. There's no single template for sexy, and imperfection or nonconformity to societal standards doesn't diminish your worth. You're not unlovable or unattractive. Beauty genuinely lies in the eye of the beholder, and plenty of people will find you attractive regardless of your shape.

But your partner's love for your body doesn't matter much if you can't embrace it yourself. Discomfort with your own body typically translates to discomfort during sex. Negative body image is incredibly common, so you're far from alone here.

Constant preoccupation with appearance, including mid-sex, pulls all your focus away from pleasure and genuine connection. Plenty of women get so absorbed in self-monitoring that they become spectators rather than active participants.

This isn't a new phenomenon, Masters and Johnson coined the term "spectatoring" decades ago [9 p 41]. Yet we still haven't fully moved past it.

Genuine body acceptance takes time. Start by curating media that features real, diverse bodies. When you catch your reflection, focus on features you genuinely like, that's likely exactly what he's noticing too. As acceptance grows, you'll find it easier to ride your man with confidence too.

2. Masturbate Regularly

This is how you discover your own preferences, pressure-free. Learn to reach orgasm (find out how to masturbate) or even squirt.

Learn more about squirting.

Most women lean toward clitoral stimulation for orgasm, though plenty enjoy penetration and vaginal stimulation too. Branch into nipple play or anal exploration. Add toys. You won't love everything you try, but whatever clicks can carry straight into partnered sex.

Bonus: you get all of masturbation's other perks too 😉

3. Understand Your Own Drive

If you assume women want sex less than men, reconsider. Plenty of women want it just as much, given two conditions:

1. The sex is genuinely good.
2. They understand their own desire.

Much of this guide addresses the first point directly. For the second, check the FAQ and this post about desire, and specifically explore ways to get yourself horny and weave them into your routine.

4. Initiate More Often

Women report initiating fairly evenly [10], yet men still initiate the majority of the time [11, 12, 13, 14], which can feel lopsided for them. He'll genuinely appreciate you initiating more, and it means sex happens on your schedule too.

Instead of sex being something you offer because he wants it, make it something for yourself. A little selfishness is fine here, you deserve the sex you actually want. Initiating more also eases pressure overall, and reduces how often he risks rejection when you're just not in the mood.

Taking the lead can feel genuinely powerful too, seducing him and building his arousal yourself.

Not sure where to start? 9 ways to initiate sex, drive him wild, and take control of your sex life.

Struggling to see sex as something positive or enjoyable for women specifically? A shift in mindset might help, and we break it down in this guide to improving your sex life.

5. Redefine What "Sex" Means

Stop equating sex purely with penetration. Everything counts as sex. Once everything matters, nothing gets rushed or skipped.

Treating only penetration as "real" sex makes everything else, foreplay especially, feel optional or unimportant. We end up rushing exactly the activities many women need for pleasure (one study found women were most likely to orgasm when their last encounter included deep kissing, genital stimulation, and oral alongside penetration [6]). Female same-sex couples, notably, have sex less often but for longer, with satisfaction only marginally lower [15].

While a quickie has its place and can be thrilling, it can also leave you unsatisfied. For genuinely fulfilling sex, slow down and let your body and mind fully engage.

6. Prioritize Your Own Pleasure

This means knowing what you want and actually asking for it. One-sided sex isn't something you have to accept. Don't want to go down on him without reciprocation? You don't have to.

Voicing your desires is genuinely hard. Vulnerability always carries risk of rejection or judgment. Start small, and if words feel impossible, simply guide his hands where you want them instead. A breathless moan can redirect him left or right, softer or firmer.

When you're ready, try something like, "You know what I'd love?" or "I think it'd be so hot if..." or even "Watch this" as you reach for a toy. Asking for what you want can be genuinely hot woven into dirty talk.

Erotic or "dirty" language tends to arouse both partners simultaneously.

Want to say something that benefits you both? Try, "I love it when you kiss my neck."

For great dirty talk inspiration, check out this article, these phrases, and Wild Dirty Talk.

Some things warrant a fuller conversation beforehand. Find tips in this guide to sexual communication.

After a great session, tell him specifically what you loved. He'll happily take notes for next time 😉

7. Reach For Lube

One of the simplest upgrades from mild to wild (or painful to pleasurable) is lube. It boosts comfort generally and is essential for anal, since the anus doesn't self-lubricate.

Plenty of people assume needing lube signals something's wrong, or insufficient arousal. Not true at all. Natural vaginal lubrication can fall short for plenty of reasons, or simply not last through a longer session. Insertion and penetration get more comfortable for both partners with lube, and it lowers risk of microtears that raise infection susceptibility.

Honestly, lube improves sex almost universally, even without strict necessity. Some varieties mimic natural wetness while adding a warming, tingling sensation. Flavored options can even boost confidence before oral sex.

You don't need deep lube expertise to find your match. Which lube is right for you.

8. Bring In Sex Toys

Whether toys are essential for your orgasm or just a fun addition, they're worth incorporating. Vibrators specifically help women learn their own sexual response and communicate it to partners [16].

Your vibrator isn't just for solo use. Toys can add real excitement to partnered sex too. Have him use it on you during foreplay. Couples-specific vibrators exist too, letting both partners feel shared sensation. Even shopping together for a toy or two can build genuine anticipation.

9. Explore New Positions

The more positions you try, the more chemistry you build together, and the better your odds of finding genuinely orgasmic ones, even if most don't quite hit the mark. Variety alone tends to improve things. A few worth trying from our sex positions section:

Coital alignment technique (CAT) – A missionary variant that hits the clitoris better than standard missionary. He shifts higher, toward your head, so your jaw's near his shoulder, his penis angles downward with the base rubbing your clit. Full details and a demonstration of the CAT here.

Reverse Cowgirl – You're on top, facing away. Great for G-spot stimulation, especially leaning back. It also skips the need for constant eye contact, though glancing back at him tends to drive him wild. More info on Reverse Cowgirl here.

Bodyguard – Standing, he enters from behind. His hands stay free to explore, and he controls pace and depth, often reaching deeper than other positions allow. More on the Bodyguard position here.

10. Break The Linear Mindset

Sexual scripts train us into rigid sequences, do this, then that, end with the other. But sex doesn't need a fixed start, middle, or end. He's finished? He might lose his erection, but his hands and tongue (and tools) remain fully available.

Try oral and fingering, then pause for cuddling or a snack. Switch rooms, or take a break (helpful too if he deals with premature ejaculation) for a sensual massage together.

Maybe penetration never even happens, or it does and you circle back to oral afterward. Ignore the clock and preconceived structure entirely. Just follow what feels good.

11. Remember Pleasure Isn't Just Orgasm

Don't fall into thinking pleasure automatically equals orgasm. Sex without one can still feel fantastic and fulfilling. Orgasm isn't the yardstick for a great sex life. Real connection happens even if one or neither of you finishes. And some orgasms just feel less intense than others, for whatever reason.

Fixating on orgasm turns sex into a checklist item. But sex is genuinely about the journey, not a finish line. It's something you build together, not a race to win.

A quickie has its charm occasionally, but let yourself slow down and savor things too.

12. Consider Relationship Sex

Plenty of women genuinely love casual sex, and that's completely valid. Research does show women tend to orgasm and enjoy sex more within a relationship, though [17]. Possibly because more time together builds real comfort and exploration. Trust develops, and he learns your body and needs.

So if casual sex isn't quite cutting it, that's totally fine. Stick with relationship sex, or at minimum find a consistent friend-with-benefits arrangement for better long-term results.

Worth noting: at least one study found relationships alone don't boost orgasm likelihood, variety in activities does [18].

13. Bring Genuine Enthusiasm

We've covered why and how to improve things for yourself, but staying a generous partner matters too. Driving someone wild with desire feels genuinely hot to deliver. It's also simply fair, sex is a form of human connection even in passing encounters, and both people deserve to get something real from it.

Enthusiasm itself is incredibly attractive. Whatever technical skill you're missing, showing up as an eager, willing participant covers plenty of ground. Nobody wants to feel like a chore to sleep with, think of every partner who's made you feel exactly that way.

Suggesting something new specifically to please him can genuinely blow his mind, and it might become something you love too.

14. Extend Your Sexuality Beyond The Bedroom

For some people, sex stays locked strictly behind closed doors. Master compartmentalizers who only feel sexual mid-act. Except that's not really accurate.

You're a sexual being constantly, and there's no reason to hide it. Discussing sex over dinner is fair game. Sexting throughout the day can build anticipation for whatever's waiting once you're home.

Sexting simply means sending flirtatious messages, and it works wonders for building tension ahead of actually being together.

A sexy message alone can genuinely turn you on through pure anticipation. Try opening with, "I just bought a new pair of panties." Any response at all signals he's game. Follow up with, "I hope you like them. What kind of panties do you like?"

Now he's thinking about you all day, so don't let him down once he's home 😉 Great sexting examples here.

Some people, though, only feel authentically themselves when embracing their sexuality constantly. Give it a try, you might be one of them.

The simplest way in: weave sex into everyday life. Watch educational content, browse stores, take classes, join communities, buy lingerie, take boudoir photos, catch a burlesque show, read up on sexuality. Reading Love Curi and our podcasts is a solid first move, but plenty of other resources exist. No need to do everything at once, even a few will noticeably boost your sexual confidence.

You might eventually pass this knowledge along to someone else entirely.

Education can also mean bringing sexual, mental, or medical concerns to your doctor. Rest assured they've genuinely heard it all and exist to help. Taking that step can meaningfully improve your sex life.

Letting go of "normal" (spoiler: it doesn't really exist) takes real practice, but once you release fixed ideas about what sex should be, you open the door to far greater pleasure, possibly the best sex of your life.

Resources

Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz is a fantastic anatomy primer and roadmap for finding what genuinely works for you. If breaking free of the sexual script feels daunting, this book helps a lot, complete with a chapter your partner can read too. Our podcast episode with Dr. Mintz is worth a listen too.

Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto covers mindfulness's genuine benefits for desire and satisfaction [19]. Check out our mindfulness podcast episode with Dr. Brotto too.

Sex educator Emily Nagoski covers the essentials of a happier, healthier sex life in this TED Talk.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – How does sex differ for men versus women?

This might be the key to unlocking better sex overall. Society's taught us sex should look a certain way, one that favors men structurally. Differences show up early. Men more often experience spontaneous desire, ready instantly (with exceptions, naturally). Women more commonly experience responsive desire [20 p294], needing a specific trigger to spark desire. For some women, that simply means physical stimulation kicking off before mental desire arrives.

Women also carry more sensitive brakes, meaning turn-offs can override any amount of added turn-ons. This is the dual-control model of desire.

While men's bodies and minds tend to align, women more commonly report mental arousal without matching physical signals, or the reverse. This is called arousal non-concordance, or discordant desire [21]. Men show more concordance regardless of orientation [22, 23, 24].

This means medications targeting genital arousal for female sexual dysfunction may only help if a woman can consciously register those physical cues [25].

More on discordant desire in our guide to sexual desire, which also covers responsive desire and the dual-control model in depth.

Women's arousal cycles differ structurally too. Recall the cycle taught in school (if you were taught one at all), desire often isn't even part of it, and just one plateau coincides with orgasm. Yet plenty of women experience multiple peaks, multiple orgasms. A genuinely accurate female arousal model looks quite different.

Related: How To Have Multiple Orgasms – Mind Melting Pleasure Guide

Since most men return to baseline after one orgasm, sex often ends there for them, potentially leaving you feeling unfinished.

Understanding these differences is genuinely central to figuring out better sex.

FAQ #2 – What actually counts as sexual satisfaction?

Another way to frame "better sex" is simply more sexually satisfying sex. But what does that mean exactly? Plenty of people equate satisfaction with orgasm, yet sex can satisfy without one, or disappoint despite one (or several).

Sexual satisfaction ties closely to relationship satisfaction [26] and whether both partners feel equally satisfied [27]. So genuine happiness in your relationship supports sexual enjoyment, and vice versa. Other contributing factors:

• Relationship status [28]
• Sex frequency [29]
• Relationship length [30]
• Vulvodynia [31]
• Pregnancy and traumatic brain injury [32, 33]
• Sexual communication [34, 35]
• Attachment style [36]
• Unhelpful sexual beliefs [37]
• Depression [38]
• Overall health [39, 40]

While a universal definition might seem intuitive, research shows genuinely diverse interpretations [27]. Bottom line: satisfaction looks different for everyone.

FAQ #3 – What's actually holding women back from better sex?

Women are often raised to prioritize pleasing others and deference, focusing on a partner's pleasure over their own. Compounding this, society frames sex as something women give and men take. We absorb messaging that positions sex as fundamentally for men.

On top of that, boy's masturbation is often tacitly encouraged while girls face shame for the same thing. Broader culture discusses male masturbation far more openly. Granted, visible, accessible genitals might make experimentation easier for guys too.

Ultimately, society has normalized a script we all follow, treating a fixed sequence as "correct." Unsurprisingly, that sequence tends to favor men, not women. We're collectively taught to overlook women's pleasure, some even doubt women genuinely enjoy sex at all.

The result: sex that under-serves women, partners who prioritize their own needs over hers, and women who struggle to voice desires they may not even fully recognize themselves.

If society championed masturbation as self-discovery for everyone, treated women's pleasure (not necessarily orgasm) as essential, educated people on genital and desire differences between sexes, and empowered women to speak up when sex falls flat, most women would experience significantly better sex.

January 12, 2021