Sexual Tension: 8 Ways to Master the Ultimate Sex Move

Flip on MTV, skim a gossip magazine, or hit up a packed club on a Saturday night, and you'll spot one recurring thread...

Certain characters are drawn to each other, even when neither will admit it out loud. Every exchange between them crackles. It's magnetic, irresistible to watch. You're hooked, waiting to see whether they'll finally acknowledge what's happening and act on it.

What's driving that?

Sexual tension, plain and simple.

Wikipedia frames sexual tension as "a social phenomenon that occurs when two individuals interact, and one or both feel sexual desire, but the consummation is postponed or never happens."

Watching that tension unfold on screen is entertaining enough, but you can also experience it firsthand. At times it can feel almost torturous, yet it's also frequently the very thing that sets up incredible sex.

Sexual tension sits right at the intersection of thrill and frustration. You want something you can see but can't quite reach — maybe never, maybe just for right now.

What Does Sexual Tension Actually Feel Like?

Sexual tension can manifest in a bunch of different ways:

• Longing for someone – whether they're currently out of reach or you simply have to wait. You might crave being near them constantly.
• Frustration or irritation – over not being able to have that person.
• A rush of excitement – at the thought of being together.
• Trouble focusing – since your mind keeps drifting back to them.
• Physical tightness – some people notice their muscles feel more tense than usual.
• Actual arousal – you're turned on, possibly enough to masturbate because of all that built-up tension.
• Heightened physical sensitivity – especially to sexual stimuli, including a literal sense of "heat" in the body [2].

It's common to sense an almost electric charge in the air when sexual tension runs high. People frequently describe it as something you can practically touch.

Sexual Tension in Pop Culture

Spotting sexual tension when you're one of the two people involved can be tricky. It's often way easier for an outside observer to notice — which is why a friend might clock the tension between you and someone else before you do, or even when you never do.

You've almost certainly picked up on this dynamic in your favorite shows or books. It's a well-worn trope: two characters carrying tension that goes unspoken or unrecognized between them for ages. Ever watched coworkers snap at each other over nothing, clearly masking real attraction underneath? That's exactly the vibe we're talking about.

Writers lean on this tension deliberately, building toward a big moment where characters finally admit their feelings — sexual, sometimes romantic too. There's a "finally!" payoff for the characters, and often for viewers as well! Everyone gets to exhale once that tension finally breaks.

Classic examples of on-screen sexual tension include:

• Fox Mulder and Dana Scully from The X-Files
• Nick and Jess in New Girl
• Edward and Bella in Twilight
• Lucy and Wyatt in Timeless
• Baby and Johnny in Dirty Dancing
• Castle and Beckett in Castle
• Practically any duo from FRIENDS
• Daenerys and nearly everyone in Game of Thrones
• Buffy and Spike in Buffy

All of that on-screen tension functions as foreplay leading to great payoff, which is exactly why you keep rewatching a favorite show or steamy film — to relive that electric feeling — and it usually delivers! You want to see your favorite pairing finally get together or wake up to their own chemistry, even between characters who hadn't previously registered same-sex attraction. Certain music can produce a similar sensation too!

The examples above are crafted specifically to hook and retain an audience, so they're often exaggerated and missing the awkward bits that come with real-world interaction. Still, you can absolutely manufacture some genuine sexual tension of your own with a current or potential partner. That's exactly what the rest of this guide covers.

How Do You Actually Build Sexual Tension?

Some people try generating tension purely by dialing up overt sexiness. Maybe you think slipping into something skimpy or revealing and showing off will do the trick.

Related: How To Dress Sexy For Your Man

Sure, dress however you like — it might absolutely turn heads, including the one you're after. Why wouldn't it?

It's hot!

It's sexy!

But...

It's not a reliable strategy for holding his attention long-term.

Read that again.

Sure, it's hot and sexy in the moment, but it won't necessarily keep him hooked over time. And Love Curi is all about the long game when it comes to keeping your man interested.

It's certainly effective at turning him on in the moment, but it's far less effective at keeping you on his mind afterward.

A much better strategy for both turning him on and keeping you on his mind is building genuine sexual tension.

Building tension is genuinely something like 100 times more effective than simply "acting sexy."

Before we get into specific tactics, know that dressing or acting sexy and building tension aren't mutually exclusive.

You can absolutely combine both.

But...

You do need to understand the distinction between them.

So, now that you know dressing or acting sexy is a different thing from building tension...

Building tension is about hinting at what you're capable of giving without handing it all over immediately. Make him work for it — just not excessively.

So How Do I Actually Build Sexual Tension With My Guy?

Glad you asked!

Before the tips, here's a quick warning worth remembering:

Sexual tension works a lot like a strong spice in cooking. A small amount keeps things exciting. Overdo it, and it quickly gets annoying.

Here's how to build sexual tension with your man, techniques I also cover in my book on talking dirty with confidence:

1. Tease Him

Teasing means saying something mildly cheeky with a hint of a smile. He should be able to tell you're not being fully serious — you're just having fun.

Try lines like:

• "I obviously don't spank you enough." Use it the next time he says something ridiculous.
• "Your mom would be so proud" (roll your eyes playfully). Use it when he spills a drink or has a minor slip-up.
• "You need to stop shopping with your mom." Use it when he shows up in a new shirt, shoes, or outfit (don't forget the sly smile).
• "You'll have to do way better than that to impress me." Use it when he's clearly trying to win you over.

Body language works here too (more on that):

• Get playful with your mouth — lick your lips, bite your lower lip, suck on ice or a lollipop, purse your lips. Even a blown kiss can crank up the tension.
• Flash him while getting dressed — but no touching allowed!
• Bend over in front of him so he catches a glimpse of your cleavage.

Discover how to tease your boyfriend.

Find the sweet spot between playful teasing, genuine affection, and a bit of innuendo. If he picks up on it, congratulations — you're flirting well and ramping up tension at the same time.

Read More: 15 Flirting Tips To Make Him Obsessed With You

Keep in mind some guys might interpret teasing as an implied promise of sex. It can come across as a form of tacit consent [3].

Unfortunately, we still live in a world where some guys mistakenly assume a woman having playful fun is automatically consenting to more.

2. Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

You've probably heard of this classic move already. Take two steps toward your man, then pull one step back just as quickly.

A few examples:

a) Next time you're with him in public, get close and whisper that you'd love to have him right then and there.

Then give him a quick kiss and abruptly switch topics.

Every time he tries steering the conversation back, redirect again.

I can practically guarantee he'll be thinking about nothing else for the rest of the conversation! It'll turn him on and drive him a little crazy simultaneously — exactly what builds tension.

b) When you're both rushing out the door somewhere, start getting playful with him. Begin giving him a handjob, blowjob, sex, or foreplay. Then stop midway and dash out. You can pick up my go-to blow job techniques from this blow job instructional video.

Text him a playful "sorry, didn't mean to leave you hanging" and let him know you'll finish what you started later...

c) Just before one of you leaves, tell him exactly how badly you'll want him later. You'll plant that thought firmly in his head, while neither of you can act on it right away. That's precisely the recipe for tension.

d) Fire off a sexy text while you're apart — or even from separate rooms in the same house. Browse these sexy text message examples or these sexting examples for ideas.

3. Tease Him Physically

Physical teasing is probably the simplest way to crank up tension.

Once again, though, moderation is key here too.

Some physical moves to try:

1. Cut ahead of him in line.
2. "Accidentally" nudge him into someone else while standing or waiting together.
3. Give him a soft pinch on the butt, side, or back of his arm when nobody's watching, then flash him a mischievous grin.
4. Ask for his phone, and when he reaches for it back, hide it behind your back and make him get it off you.
5. Brush your chest against his arm or chest while passing through a hallway or room.
6. Bend down in front of him so your butt grazes his crotch.
7. Straighten his jacket, shirt, or tie, resting your hand on his chest, then trail your fingers down toward his pants before pulling away.

You'll notice these tension-building moves often double as ways of getting yourself horny too.

The spirit of physical teasing is all about staying playful and lighthearted — almost like flirting on a playground. It's fun and low-effort, especially with the added thrill of a public setting. Just be mindful about where you try these if kids might be nearby, or if he's uncomfortable with PDA.

Want to take dirty talk further while teasing him? The techniques in this dirty talking tutorial video can help. Just remember: it's a spice, so use it sparingly!

4. Turn It Into a Game

One great way to build tension, especially with a long-term partner, is inventing reasons you can't immediately give in to temptation. A playful game is perfect for this. Simple rule: he can look, but not touch.

What might this look like in practice? You could be nude, masturbating, showering, or masturbating in the shower. Try a strip tease to drive him wild (learn how). Take it further with a lap dance — real strippers never let clients touch, and neither should you in this game.

Or consider tying his hands so touching genuinely isn't an option.

All of these double as fantastic foreplay while cranking tension sky-high. You decide when — or whether — he gets to touch you. Make him wait long enough, and he won't be able to resist.

Bonus: switch roles occasionally so you get to feel that same frenzied energy yourself.

Not your style? Try these foreplay tips and games instead.

These games can also bleed into the sex itself. Consider role-play where one partner is denied access to the other — stripper and client is one option, or he could play a submissive who's being denied touch as a consequence for some invented "offense."

Get roleplaying inspiration here.

5. Deny Yourself, Too

Distance from your partner naturally builds sexual tension. Why? Because you're withholding pleasure from yourself, not just him. It's exactly why finally reuniting with a partner in a long-distance relationship feels so incredible! So next time you're aching to be near him, remind yourself that's the tension working in your favor.

You can amplify this further by simply withholding your own pleasure — stop masturbating until you two are together again. This is also a great opportunity to enjoy some phone sex in the meantime.

Generally, we encourage all women to masturbate regularly to learn their bodies and enjoy pleasure. But this is one case where holding off might actually work in your favor.

Read More: How To Masturbate (For Women): 7 Step Orgasmic Guide

That said, some people find masturbating actually intensifies the tension rather than relieving it. If that's you, go right ahead!

6. Let Your Mind Wander

Fantasy pairs beautifully with masturbation, and sometimes with sex itself. You're free to imagine whoever you want in that fantasy — it doesn't even have to include you.

Discover the most common fantasies.

That said, fantasizing specifically about you and your partner can ramp up tension, at least on your end. You've probably already done this after spotting an attractive stranger or someone you'd love to sleep with. The tension's already there, so the fantasy comes naturally — and it feeds right back into more tension. It's a satisfying loop.

With your boyfriend or husband specifically, picture what you might do together next time you're alone. Replaying something you've already done together works well too if you're not feeling especially imaginative.

7. Get Into Your Own Headspace

Building tension isn't purely about teasing and flirting with your partner — it's equally about stoking your own build-up toward explosive pleasure.

So don't only focus on generating tension for him. Think about ways to tease yourself as well. The words and touches mentioned already might get you plenty worked up on their own.

Or maybe you'd rather be the one receiving that kind of attention from your partner. Consider sharing this article with him so you can build tension together. Feeling genuinely desired by your partner is one of the real perks here. One thing that can get in the way, though: anxiety.

Everyone feels some anxiety around sex occasionally — it's completely normal, especially the first time with a new partner. But letting it take over can seriously dampen your sex life.

Read More: How To Get Rid Of Sexual Anxiety Once And For All

Self-doubt can undercut sexual tension too. Everyone doubts themselves occasionally, but recognize that someone can genuinely want your body, your personality, and everything else about you. If you're unsure whether a guy's attracted to you, or doubt he even could be, you risk getting so tangled in insecurity that you miss — and fail to enjoy — the tension that's actually building between you two.

8. Carry It Into Sex Itself

Sex and orgasm typically release built-up tension, but that release doesn't have to happen instantly. You can deliberately stretch out the tension to drive your partner (or yourself) a little wild by delaying orgasm.

This kind of play is known as orgasm control (or orgasm denial when your partner doesn't get to finish at all), and plenty of people find it genuinely thrilling! It can involve chastity devices and pairs naturally with BDSM play.

Learn More: 7 Tease and Denial Games to Drive Him Wild and Have Better Orgasms and 9 Orgasm Denial Games for Testing Your Limits and Driving Yourself Wild

Sexual Tension Hits Hardest When There's a Payoff

Unless you and your partner specifically enjoy orgasm denial or endless unresolved tension, there should eventually be a release. Usually that means sex and orgasm. Sometimes you'll simply want to give in to the tension you've built and have sex — and even without anything fancy, it can feel remarkably memorable compared to other encounters, even a simple quickie.

That said, if there's no payoff, or you wait far too long, tension can curdle into pure frustration. Keep that balance in mind — sometimes that means masturbating on your own when the tension gets overwhelming. And remember, while tension can elevate sex, it can't always rescue an encounter that ends up lackluster regardless.

Related: How To Have Good Sex

Handling Sexual Tension You Didn't Ask For

Worth mentioning too: sexual tension isn't always welcome. Maybe you're feeling it with someone while one or both of you is already attached. Or maybe it's a coworker, or even someone who holds authority over you at work. Situations where acting on attraction genuinely isn't an option still generate real tension.

Unfortunately, these situations carry real consequences, so weigh whether the risk is actually worth it. Tension and arousal have a way of clouding judgment. Research has actually shown attraction toward someone can lead people to skip protection during sex [4, 5].

Feeling tension doesn't obligate you to act on it.

Sometimes the wisest move is masturbating and moving on with your day rather than making a decision that could jeopardize your sexual health or relationship. If willpower is a struggle, look for ways to limit contact with anyone who sparks tension but isn't actually a viable option.

Sexual tension can even stem from medical conditions like persistent genital arousal syndrome, which keeps someone in a near-constant state of arousal [6].

Some people find practices like yoga, tai chi, or meditation genuinely helpful for dissolving tension [7].

That said, sexual tension can also simply fade with enough time [8].

Strike the right balance between frustration and excitement, though, and sexual tension becomes a genuinely powerful tool. Keep it handy for whenever sex starts feeling routine, or whenever you're in the mood for some playful games. You won't regret it!

What Science Has to Say

Why does sexual tension work so well? Anticipation is the key ingredient. The anticipatory buildup before sex triggers dopamine release, a hormone tied to the brain's reward system [9, 10]. Building tension ahead of sex triggers that exact same mechanism. Your brain doesn't actually distinguish between sexual and nonsexual rewards.

Resources

Candice Jalili interviews Dr. Nicole Prause about sexual tension in this Elite Daily piece.

This breakdown of sexual tension from The Phoenix captures a lot of what we tend to think about it — or the lack of it.

This episode from the YouTube channel GregandLou is a little goofy but illustrates how the sexual-tension trope typically plays out on screen.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Why does sexual tension come so much easier early in a relationship?

Plenty of relationships open with tons of tension that fades as things progress. Novelty is a huge driver of tension, and novelty naturally diminishes the more familiar you become with someone.

On top of that, tension builds specifically around wanting something you can't yet have.

That doesn't mean long-term relationships lose tension entirely — you'll just likely notice less of it. Luckily, the tips in this guide can help you manufacture it deliberately whenever you want.

FAQ #2 – What's the actual benefit of sexual tension?

Part of why we encourage building tension is that simply thinking about sex can boost desire, or even trigger responsive desire.

Go deeper: Spontaneous and responsive desire.

This comes in handy if you're scheduling sex or a date night and want to build anticipation beforehand. By the time it's go-time, you're already in the mood.

Tension also tends to make sexual experiences feel more intense and satisfying, while making both partners feel genuinely desired. It's a great tool if you're looking to improve your sex life.

FAQ #3 – How do you know when there's too much sexual tension?

Tension works in your favor as long as some kind of release is on the horizon. If you find yourself overloaded with tension but with no outlet — usually sex or masturbation — frustration tends to outweigh the fun. Steer clear of situations like that, since they're more likely to leave you disappointed than satisfied.

November 10, 2020