The Surprising Science Behind Sexual Desire — And How to Use It

Sexual desire counts as one of the building blocks of a fulfilling sex life. Genuine desire fuels an active, satisfying sex life as its underlying motivation. For women in particular, that desire tends to originate in the brain. Research has also revealed that you can effectively train your brain to arouse your body through conditioning.

Mention "conditioning" and Pavlov's classic dog experiments probably come to mind first, which admittedly doesn't sound very sexy. Yet the exact same training method Pavlov used to make dogs drool at the sound of a dinner bell [1] [2] can absolutely be applied to your sex life.

Sexual conditioning simply harnesses your brain's built-in ability to link two things together (the bell and the food, in Pavlov's case) to generate a specific outcome (drooling). A sexier version might look like wearing the same bold shade of lipstick every time you get intimate with your man. He starts linking that particular red with sex, and if you later wear it just because it matches an outfit, his brain might struggle to separate the lipstick from the association with sex.

Humans aren't actually all that different from animals when it comes to sexual conditioning. People — men especially — can be conditioned into experiencing sexual desire, and researchers have documented the same pattern in rats [3]. That said, conditioning tends to be considerably easier to achieve in non-human animals [4].

Pavlov's experiments were deliberately engineered, and you can absolutely replicate that intentional approach yourself (more on that shortly), but conditioning is powerful enough to happen entirely by accident too. Seriously! You can end up conditioning yourself — or your partner — without meaning to. Anyone who's worked at a restaurant with a service bell knows the feeling of instinctively reacting to any similar ding.

Classical Conditioning and Sexual Desire

So how does this actually play out with sex? If something regularly coincides with sex or masturbation, you might notice yourself getting turned on by that same thing even in totally unrelated, sometimes awkward situations. Here are some real examples shared by Reddit users:

• One couple had incredible makeup sex, so afterward even the idea of arguing gave the guy an erection.
• Another couple would fool around any time the woman's father stepped out of the room. Later, during a movie night, the father-in-law left briefly for a snack, and the guy got an erection.
• One person linked his girlfriend's perfume to sex. After the breakup, his sister started wearing the same scent, leading to some awkward, unwanted arousal.
• Some people got aroused whenever a particular show or movie came on, simply because they regularly fooled around with it playing in the background.
• People who masturbate in the shower reported getting turned on around any water afterward, making hot tubs and pools a little uncomfortable.
• One woman found herself getting wet whenever her boyfriend squeezed her wrist, a callback to when he'd consensually slapped her and squeezed her wrist at the same time.
• Some people become conditioned to only orgasm while watching a specific type of porn.
• One man got turned on whenever his partner touched his ears, despite his ears never being a particularly sensitive erogenous zone before. Discover more about your body's erogenous zones.

How Sexual Conditioning Differs for Men and Women

Plenty of these examples involve men getting erections, which might suggest men condition more readily into feeling desire, but research confirms both men and women can be sexually conditioned [5] [6]. It's also possible women engage in more specific pre-sex rituals — dressing a certain way, applying lotion, doing their hair or makeup — that partners then come to associate with sex.

An erection is also simply a more visible marker of arousal than whatever's happening in a woman's body. Research actually shows women can feel mentally turned on without their bodies clearly reflecting it, and vice versa. There's just a wider gap between mental and physical arousal across genders.

Men generally respond more strongly to sexual stimuli than women do [7], which would explain why conditioning tends to work more easily on them. Women more commonly experience what's called responsive desire — arousal that follows activity rather than preceding it. That's a big part of why foreplay matters so much for good sex (check out 22 top foreplay tips in this post).

Related: Why Am I So Horny?

Since men typically carry higher libidos than women on average, that could factor in too. That said, if your own libido runs especially high, you might find yourself conditioning more easily as well. Consider women who've masturbated using a vibrating toothbrush, only to later find themselves aroused during regular toothbrushing.

Of course, feeling desire doesn't obligate you to act on it. You might notice your arousal is simply a conditioned response and consciously let the feeling pass. Or you might masturbate to address it and move on with your day.

What Happens If You've Been Conditioned Unintentionally?

In the examples above, where arousal showed up in awkward, unintended contexts, people often felt embarrassed and tried to hide it or break the pattern altogether. Is it possible to dial down desire and rewire your brain so it stops responding to a given trigger? Absolutely.

The fix: counter-conditioning. You might pair your ex's cologne with something unpleasant, like a dentist visit, or snap a rubber band on your wrist whenever the unwanted arousal shows up. Unless pain happens to appeal to you, that second option can actually work quite well.

For some people, simply thinking about something that kills the mood is enough to break the association. So if a particular cologne turns you on unexpectedly, picture your grandparents instead.

Some people turn to hypnosis to break unwanted habits, though that's obviously not for everyone. A therapist, particularly one trained in cognitive behavioral therapy, can be a real asset if you're trying to escape the cycle.

Continuing to seek sexual stimulation after the desire kicks in only reinforces the conditioning further. And while it's not always obvious, feeling ashamed and hiding your conditioned response can actually deepen the taboo around it, making counter-conditioning even harder.

Interested in Trying Sexual Conditioning Yourself?

On the flip side, maybe you've just realized how conditioning and desire interact. Perhaps you've already stumbled into this by accident and want to build on it deliberately, or maybe you've never experienced conditioned desire at all. Here are a few ideas for conditioning your partner:

• Play a particular song before sex.
• Wear a specific scent whenever you're in the mood.
• Fool around while a certain show or actor is on screen.
• Put your hair up or take it down right before sex.
• Apply a certain lipstick shade whenever you're feeling aroused, then initiate.
• Reserve a particular pair of boots or specific underwear exclusively for days you want to have sex.
• Use a distinct tone of voice when telling him to orgasm — eventually he may be able to climax from that voice alone, no explicit instruction needed.

Naturally, testing this out means repeating the pattern consistently. You'll also want to confirm it's actually working by presenting the stimulus (the scent, the lipstick) without following through with sex. If he still feels turned on, the conditioning has taken hold.

If your partner is the one hoping to condition you, feel free to send him straight to this article. He can then pick a method and attempt to train you to feel desire on command.

No partner? No problem — you can still experiment solo, though it's less likely to work as effectively without another person involved. Playing a particular song while masturbating, lighting a scented candle, slipping into your favorite lingerie, or even closing the blinds can all become part of your own conditioning ritual.

Even if you can't fully rewire your own mind this way, you'll likely notice heightened arousal simply from the mood your pre-masturbation routine sets.

Read: 11 Powerful Techniques to Make Yourself Horny

Conditioning and Consent

Sexual conditioning can be a genuinely fun shared experiment between you and your partner, though you might also be tempted to try it without telling him first. While that could be harmless fun, some people would view doing this without a partner's knowledge as manipulative, and would caution against it.

You can raise the topic of sexual conditioning with your partner directly and gauge his reaction. If you want to keep some mystery, you could tell him you'd like to try it without revealing exactly what you're doing. He could then try guessing the trigger, which means throwing in a few decoys might be worthwhile.

Knowing what's happening might make conditioning him somewhat harder. Still, the process works so readily that it could succeed regardless.

Looking for other ways to get him going? Check out the secret to making any guy horny. Aphrodisiacs are another shared option worth exploring — learn more here.

When Conditioning Goes the Other Way

Finally, it's worth noting that sexual conditioning can also train a response that has nothing to do with desire. For example, if you had an abusive ex, catching a whiff of his cologne on a stranger might trigger anxiety or nausea rather than arousal. If he initiated sex a certain way, you might find yourself put off when a new partner does something similar, even if you genuinely like this new person and even if you'd otherwise enjoy what they're doing.

Survivors of sexual assault can experience this kind of conditioning too, which makes complete sense. The next time you attempt intimacy, you might react in unexpected ways because sexual activity in general has become tangled up with that traumatic experience. In these situations, clear communication with your partner is essential, even though it's rarely easy. Our guide to sexual communication can help make that conversation more manageable.

Again, therapy can play a crucial role in moving past this kind of conditioning. The encouraging news is that unwanted conditioning absolutely can be undone.

Sexual Desire Involves More Than Just Conditioning

Sexual conditioning can boost or dampen desire, but it's far from the whole story. Your underlying biology, for one, can make arousal more or less accessible to begin with. Women going through menopause, for example, frequently experience a drop in libido.

Related: How to Fix Low Sex Drive Caused By 6 Common Issues

Depression, along with the medications used to treat it, can also dampen libido.

The state of your relationship matters enormously for desire too. Stress or relationship friction tends to tank both desire and arousal. Most people need to feel understood, supported, and valued for arousal to show up at all. If relationship trouble is the real culprit, that deserves your focus before you try to boost desire through other means.

Research into sexual desire has repeatedly shown how conditioning, medication, and biology all shape it. Sexual conditioning happens to be something you can test out yourself, so why not turn it into a fun experiment?

January 12, 2021