What Men Actually Want In Bed – 8 Keys to Sexual Satisfaction

I'm guessing you're hoping for a single magic trick here — one perfect, foolproof technique that instantly answers the question of what men want in bed? Well…

Here's the truth: there isn't just one thing.

Anyone claiming to have a secret formula is flat-out lying to you. No single move satisfies every man every time. It's almost always a blend of factors, which I'll walk through below.

1. Knowing You Find Him Attractive

Picture how powerful you feel when your partner looks at you like you're the most desirable person alive. If insecurity ever creeps in, you might genuinely need that kind of validation from a partner. Here's the thing: men crave that same validation too.

That desire ties directly into sexual satisfaction, as one study found [1]:

Negative body attitudes toward muscularity, body fat, height, and genitals as well as body self-consciousness during physical intimacy were significantly related to greater sexual dissatisfaction.

That's right — men wrestle with body and genital insecurities every bit as much as women do.

A slow, deep kiss, a lingering gaze, or a playful grab can let your partner know you want him, maybe even that you can barely keep your hands off him. Naturally, this can also spark sex itself, which happens to be another thing men genuinely want.

Even when these small gestures don't lead anywhere sexual, your partner will register that you still desire him — and that alone can boost his satisfaction with your sex life [2]. Feeling attractive, more broadly, enhances the sexual experience itself [3].

2. Genuine Variety

Most guys genuinely enjoy a broad mix of things in bed. Some are drawn to anal sex even more than standard intercourse, others live for a great blow job above almost anything else, and some simply love cuddling with their partner once sex is over. Generally, though, most men have a whole range of things they love their partner to try.

You'll also notice plenty of guys who genuinely dislike certain things on this list — cuddling or anal sex just aren't for everyone.

The real key is experimenting with a wide array of techniques and tips to see what resonates with your specific partner and what falls flat. Once you know, lean into what works and quietly drop what doesn't.

Beyond that, keep pushing into new territory rather than looping through the same one or two moves indefinitely.

Exploration is genuinely a huge part of what keeps sex exciting. Love Curi has plenty of articles designed to spark that kind of exploration — here are a few worth checking out:

• 119 Best Sex Positions (especially Cowgirl)
• How To Be Good In Bed: The 9 Crucial Factors to Sexual Prowess
• How to Be a Freak in Bed and Drive Him Wild with Desire
• Don't Forget His Balls! 9 Testicle Massage Tips & Techniques
• 13 Awesome Male Erogenous Zones

3. Genuine Connection With You

Research consistently shows that intimacy is a leading motivator for sex, casual encounters included [4]. Love isn't a prerequisite for feeling vulnerable, experiencing real pleasure, and forging a genuine connection with someone, even briefly.

For men in committed relationships, feeling that romantic connection through sex matters just as much. Women may lean more heavily toward sex motivated by love and commitment specifically [5], but that doesn't mean men are indifferent to romance. Sometimes rough, dirty sex is exactly the mood, but it's equally fine to slow everything down and hold your partner's gaze while making love.

Related: How to Make Love to Your Man for A Deeper Connection and 11 Intense Techniques for Deeply Intimate Sex with Your Man

4. Feeling Less Pressure

Men are generally expected to initiate, handle most of the physical exertion, and maintain an erection throughout. That script places real pressure on plenty of guys — pressure that doesn't necessarily benefit you either. Here are some ways to help ease it.

• Take the initiative yourself: If he's usually the one to start things, initiating sex yourself will genuinely delight him. Beyond making him feel desired, it removes his fear of hearing "no." Plus, initiating means you get sex exactly when you want it. Learn more here.
• Take the top position: Being on top naturally shifts more physical effort onto you, letting your partner simply relax and enjoy the ride. Mix things up by taking the lead occasionally.
• Take control generally: This pairs naturally with the point above. Taking control removes nearly all the pressure from your partner's shoulders — whether that's climbing on top, restraining him, blindfolding him, or directing the action outright. Learn how to take a dominant role with your man.
• Own your own orgasm: Feeling solely responsible for making you climax is an enormous burden for him. Take some of that weight off both of you by lending a hand yourself, sometimes literally. Owning your own orgasm ensures your needs get met without placing the entire job on him.
• Bring his whole body into it: Plenty of guys forget how many tools they actually have beyond just a penis — a mouth, hands, and countless other body parts capable of delivering pleasure to both of you. The same goes for you, and toys or accessories can round things out further. Broadening your definition of "sex" takes real pressure off him to achieve and sustain an erection every single time. And this isn't just something older men appreciate — younger guys benefit from the break too.
• Don't fixate solely on orgasm: We tend to treat a man's orgasm as the definitive end of sex, and plenty of men chase that goal specifically, but it's far from the only measure of sexual satisfaction. One thing men genuinely love is simply feeling relaxed once it's all over [6].

Think through ways to ease whatever pressure your partner might be silently carrying — he'll likely notice and appreciate it.

Plenty of these tactics call for you to be bolder and more assertive sexually. Trust that this is genuinely what men want. A confident, proactive lover doesn't just make him crave more sex — it can elevate the quality of your sex life together.

Need a confidence boost? Check out how to feel confident riding him.

5. Knowing You're Enjoying Yourself

Men can absolutely be selfish in bed, particularly during casual hookups, but plenty genuinely care about their partner's pleasure. In fact, people in relationships tend to report that their partner's satisfaction directly shapes their own — which may explain why women report more orgasms specifically within committed relationships [7].

That said, you can genuinely enjoy sex with your partner even without climaxing every time — and it's worth letting him know that.

That might mean moaning, smiling, or simply reacting during sex. Dirty talk works well too, ramping up intensity, voicing your desires, and complimenting your partner all at once.

Get some dirty talk tips here.

This isn't a call to overact or fake it, though — pretending to enjoy something you're not into just encourages him to keep doing it. Simply let genuine enjoyment show when it's actually there.

It's also perfectly fine to circle back afterward and tell him you had a great time. Maybe that's a lingering morning kiss paired with a comment about how much you're craving that thing he does so well, or a flirty text because last night is still on your mind.

If your partner takes initiative, puts in real effort, and gives generously in bed, he'll want confirmation he's doing it right. Letting him know boosts his confidence and quiets any lingering insecurity.

6. Exploring His Fantasies

Nearly everyone carries sexual fantasies — some you'd never actually want to live out, and others you genuinely would. The same holds true for most men. Exploring his fantasies is a great way to give him what he's really after in bed, and it might unlock some of your own desires in the process.

Discover other common sexual fantasies.

Odds are decent you'll find some overlap. According to a 4,000-person survey conducted by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, the most widely reported fantasies include multi-partner sex, power and control (think BDSM), novelty and variety, partner sharing and nonmonogamy, intimacy and romance, and curiosity about same-gender experiences [8 p 10-19]. BDSM and novelty-driven fantasies show up so frequently that you and your partner may well share them already — recognizing that can make opening up about fantasies far less intimidating.

Rather than bluntly asking your partner what he wants, a subtler approach often works better, since a direct question can make him clam up. Try sharing what you'd like to try first, then gauge his reaction.

Start small when sharing what you want to try — a new position, or a fantasy or role-play scenario. If he seems into it, follow up by asking what he might want to explore. Timing helps too — right after sex, when he's relaxed and in a good mood, tends to work well.

7. Knowing What You Want

As a woman, opening up about your own sexuality isn't always easy. Masturbation and experimentation simply aren't encouraged the same way they are for men — a genuine double standard persists around sexual behavior [9].

But real connection, real insight into what men enjoy, and real improvement in your sex life all require actually talking about sex. Feel free to tell your partner what's working — but gentle correction matters just as much when something isn't.

Tip: when you need something to change, try leading with praise instead of criticism. Something along these lines:

That feels good — and want to know what would make it even better? Try X instead.

Swap "X" for whatever you're actually hoping for. Praise consistently gets you further than criticism ever will.

This kind of directness reflects exactly what men tend to want from a partner. Hints and subtlety might feel more comfortable to you, but plenty of guys genuinely struggle to catch them. Being vulnerable and stating things plainly is often the better route.

You'll find more strategies in Love Curi's guide to talking about sex.

Plenty of things can hold you back from speaking openly about sex, of course. Shifting your own mindset around sex is a critical piece of improving your sex life overall.

8. More Sex, More Often

It'd be silly to claim all men think about is sex, yet there's a kernel of truth buried in that stereotype. A research team including Roy F. Baumeister, Kathleen R. Catanese, and Kathleen D. Vohs reviewed a wide body of studies and concluded that men, on average, report higher sex drives than women [10].

Women more often prioritize quality over quantity, while men more often want higher volume. That said, this pattern won't apply to everyone — sometimes the mismatch runs the other way, with the woman wanting more sex than her partner.

Still, infrequent sex can leave a partner feeling frustrated or even resentful, and some men use that as a (never acceptable) excuse to cheat. Making a genuine effort to have sex more regularly can meaningfully strengthen a relationship.

You might also discover you're simply happier with more frequent sex. One survey pinpointed once a week as something of a sweet spot [11]. And if circumstances limit how often you can have sex, focus instead on maximizing the quality of the sex you are having.

Related: How To Have Better Sex

Men and Women Aren't as Different as You'd Think

Reading through this list, you've probably noticed that plenty of these things are simply things you want in bed too. While a few genuine differences deserve attention (see the research roundup below), men and women generally have more in common than not. Everyone wants to live authentically and enjoy sex without unnecessary limits.

We can't always get exactly what we want in bed, but we can usually come close with a partner genuinely willing to meet us halfway. That's how you'll uncover your specific partner's wants and needs. Don't get discouraged chasing some universal formula for what men want — instead, embrace the experimentation itself, along with the pleasure and closeness it builds between you.

What the Research Says

Researchers have dug into sexual satisfaction alongside related concepts like arousal and desire.

What Men Want Right After Orgasm – One study tracking 38 men and 38 women measured arousal during and after masturbation to climax, finding that sexual arousal and desire dropped off faster and more consistently in men than in women post-orgasm [12]. That helps explain why men often exit "sex mode" so abruptly after finishing. Even if your partner wants to keep pleasuring you afterward, his own body can make that genuinely difficult. Keep this in mind, and voice what you need before he reaches that point.

Men Want to Hear That You're Satisfied – Another study explored the layered relationship between partners' sexual satisfaction. Surveying 142 couples, researchers found "a slight degree of agreement was found between the sexual life satisfaction reported by women and their partners' perceptions of the women's sexual life satisfaction" as well as "a slight degree of agreement was reported between the sexual life satisfaction reported by men and their partners' perceptions of the men's sexual life satisfaction" [13]. In short, letting your partner know you're satisfied can modestly boost his own satisfaction too.

Relationship Happiness Fuels Sexual Satisfaction – Similarly, sexual satisfaction and overall relationship satisfaction appear closely linked. A study of 1,009 midlife heterosexual couples examined factors like nonsexual physical touch and found that "greater relationship happiness contributed significantly to predicting and understanding individuals' sexual satisfaction" [14]. This underscores just how much what happens outside the bedroom shapes what happens inside it.

Sexual Satisfaction Genuinely Matters to Men – A study of 2,250 Finnish adults aged 18–54 uncovered a striking gender gap. Overall, "the importance of sexuality in life, love, and the use of sexual materials were connected directly to physical sexual satisfaction among men but only indirectly among women" [15]. While the study found women reporting more sexual satisfaction than decades-old research suggested, men still tended to report higher satisfaction overall. It's entirely possible you're somewhat dissatisfied with your sex life while your partner isn't.

Communication Really Is Everything – We've stressed the importance of sexual communication throughout Love Curi's content, and the research backs that up. A study of 142 couples by Adam C. Jones found that:

The extent to which couples communicated about sex (or sexual communication content) was significantly correlated with both relationship satisfaction for both males and females [16].

Men Can Skew Selfish About Their Own Wants – The 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior examined the habits of young adults and adults across the U.S. The findings hint that men may lean more selfish in bed overall — and correspondingly more satisfied — particularly around oral sex. Among the 2,857 men surveyed, every age group reported receiving oral sex (within the past month, year, or lifetime) more often than giving it [17].

That selfishness can also show up in why men want sex in the first place. Men generally view casual sex more favorably, with motivations that skew more personal than relational — a pattern more common among women [4]. Where women more often chase sex for connection, men more often chase it for its own sake.

Men Tend to Want Casual Sex More Than Women Do – One study identified a correlation between pathological personality traits — which men typically score higher on than women — and sociosexuality, or a tendency toward more sexual partners [18]. In other words, some of men's less flattering traits may actually make them more open to a higher number of partners.

Men Often Get in the Mood More Easily – In her book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski explores different styles of desire and libido. Though the book is written primarily to help women understand their own drives, it's just as useful for understanding male sexuality and where male and female desire diverge. One key difference: women's "brakes," or sensitivity to turn-offs, tend to be more responsive than men's equivalent turn-offs [19 p 294], making it harder for you to get in the mood compared to him.

Nagoski also dives into spontaneous versus responsive desire. Men are generally more likely to feel ready for sex on a moment's notice, while women more often need time and the right conditions to build up desire.

Researchers Lori Brotto and Meredith Chivers suggest that what "spontaneous sexual desire may, in fact, reflect is that the triggers are not apparent" to the person experiencing it [20]. In other words, "spontaneous" desire might just mean someone hasn't consciously identified what's actually triggering it. Though this research focused on women, the same logic likely applies to men.

Further Reading

This Cafe Mom piece on what men want in bed focuses less on specific technique and more on the mindset that can unlock better sex for both of you.

The Cut breaks down the science of sexual desire and how it plays out differently across genders — useful context for understanding his sexuality and meeting his needs.

Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D., makes the case that men crave being desired too. Men often go out of their way to make women feel desirable, and it's easy to forget to return that favor if you assume he already knows, or if your own insecurities get in the way.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Is there one universal technique every guy loves?

You're probably hitting one of men's favorite things if you give an enthusiastic blow job. Still, it's genuinely hard to name one thing every man loves, since preferences vary so widely — some men aren't even into oral sex.

Feel free to bring lessons from past partners into a new relationship, but recognize not everything will land the same way twice. If your new partner doesn't enjoy something, react calmly and stay understanding — panicking or shaming him is absolutely not what he wants.

FAQ #2 – How can I know for sure what a guy likes in bed?

The only foolproof way is simply asking him directly. That opens the door to learning more about him and deepening your connection — and it might prompt you to share things about yourself too, building even more intimacy in the process.

Read: 27 Intimacy Ideas For A Deeper Connection

You can also pick up on preferences by watching his body's reactions during sex. Moving closer, pressing into you, or moaning all signal enjoyment. A stiff, still body, pulling away, or a pained gasp signal the opposite. Since men tend to be quieter in bed than women overall, these cues can be harder to catch — which is exactly why direct conversation is the smarter move.

If you don't expect to see someone again, minimal communication about sex might be perfectly fine. But plenty of situations call for a partner who's genuinely willing to talk openly.

FAQ #3 – What if he simply won't tell me what he likes?

Some things are genuinely impossible to know without a real conversation, and if he won't have that conversation, you're stuck guessing. You're not a mind reader, after all.

You probably already understand how hard it is to open up about something as sensitive as sex. Remember that plenty of us absorbed negative messaging about sex growing up, and boys and men in particular aren't typically encouraged to discuss their feelings — which makes this conversation even tougher for some. Creating a safe, trusting, judgment-free space for him to open up matters enormously.

Certain tools can help surface a partner's desires and fantasies more naturally. Check out our list of new things to try in bed for a few ideas.

Sometimes silence just means someone's genuinely content with a simple sex life — nothing wrong with that. But it can become a real problem if you're unsatisfied and he won't engage in the conversations that could change that.

And sometimes people avoid discussing the sex they want — or are already having elsewhere — because of deep shame or guilt. Those feelings can drive secretive behavior. That guilt might not be entirely his fault, but the resulting actions can still hurt you and put your health at risk. Building a genuinely happy, healthy relationship is difficult when someone is at war with their own desires like that.

If you suspect his silence points to a deeper, unresolved issue, you can try confronting it directly — though you may not love what surfaces. It could be a sign he doesn't want you sexually at all. Either way, that's the moment to seriously weigh whether continuing this relationship is right for you.

August 14, 2020