Sexless Marriage: 8 Fixes & The Honest Truth About Repairing It

While I don't regret my marriage, I do wish I had gotten out earlier so that I could have had more years of great sex! Most relationships begin with love and passion, but routine and boredom often creep in and replace those feelings, leading straight into a sexless marriage. Once a couple stops having sex, the marriage itself weakens. Yet a sexless marriage can feel like an impossible problem to tackle. Couples often can't pinpoint how or why the sex stopped, and end up feeling embarrassed and even depressed about it. Don't worry: a sexless marriage can absolutely be fixed.

Sexless Marriages Hurt Women, Too

Picture a sexless marriage, and you probably imagine a man complaining about his wife. Maybe she's home with the kids while he works hard all day, hoping for a little affection once he walks through the door. Instead, he gets nothing. It's a stereotype as old as time itself, so pervasive that we practically expect marriages to change in certain predictable ways, which fuels some pretty negative assumptions about the institution as a whole.

Discover which two myths about sex after marriage just aren't true!

While men generally do report a higher sex drive than women [1], that's not universally true. Sex drive varies enormously among women, both in level and type, which is exactly why we've written an entire piece on how to increase your sex drive if you're a woman.

Accepting that you're the higher-drive partner, or that your husband isn't always ready or willing at a moment's notice, can be genuinely difficult. It can feel like a direct hit to your self-worth, since we often measure our value by how much a partner desires us. But your whole perspective shifts once you realize that sometimes it's the man who just isn't in the mood.

Sexless Marriage Solutions From A Sex Therapist

I sat down with a sex therapist who walked me through the fixes for a sexless marriage, along with the underlying causes. If fixing your sexless marriage or relationship is something you're serious about, I strongly recommend giving it a listen.

All this points to something important: it's often women, not men, complaining about a sexless marriage. She's the one craving more or better sex, while her husband isn't able, or willing, to put in the effort behind closed doors.

In fact, when we ran a survey asking people about their experience with sexlessness in a marriage or relationship, along with advice for others in the same boat, a large number of women wrote in about their own lack of sex.

Note: It's worth noting that Love Curi's readership skews heavily female and likely skews toward highly sexual women, so our survey may have drawn responses disproportionately from women wanting more sex, whose partners aren't necessarily dealing with low libido themselves. Women who don't read a site like ours, and their partners, might report very different experiences, potentially feeling more content in their marriages and less inclined to bring up divorce at all.

The bottom line: this isn't purely a man's problem. But even when it weighs more heavily on a husband than a wife, a sexless marriage is something both partners need to tackle together. The starting point is figuring out exactly why sex has stopped happening.

Reasons for a Sexless Marriage

Sex can dry up in a marriage for all kinds of reasons. Maybe you and your husband haven't had real privacy in ages because you're worried about being overheard at home. Maybe your schedules never line up. Maybe nobody initiates anymore because one partner said "no" one too many times. Plenty of paths lead to a sexless marriage, and understanding yours is the first real step toward fixing it.

1. Sex-Negative Attitudes

The attitudes we absorb growing up and entering relationships can quietly sabotage our sex lives for years afterward. Some people were taught as children that sex is inherently bad or sinful, and that belief can linger well into marriage. Certain religious upbringings frame sex as acceptable only for procreation, teaching that anything else is sinful. That mindset alone can produce a sexless marriage if kids aren't part of the plan.

The idea that there's one "correct" time and way to have sex can also breed dull sex lives that people eventually check out of, craving something more. Sex-negativity also shuts down open conversation about sex, which is essential for actually asking for, and getting, the sex you want. Alternatively, suppressing your sexuality can lead you to deny your own urges, only to act on them later in unhealthy or unsafe ways.

One commenter told us she'd only had sex five times during her marriage's first year. She'd initially brushed off some red flags, but eventually realized her husband was likely gay, and that this was the true root of their sexless marriage. Of course, there was nothing she could have done differently, but if her husband had been honest with himself, and with her, from the start, they might never have ended up in a sexless marriage at all.

2. Health and Medication Issues

Health conditions, and the medications prescribed for them, frequently trigger a drop in sex drive that leads to a sexless marriage [2]. Lupus, fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, and chronic fatigue syndrome rank among the most common conditions that put an end to sex. Medications treating those conditions can also dampen sex drive (research shows antihypertensive drugs increase sexual dysfunction [3]), along with drugs for depression and standard birth control.

One respondent, a doctor herself, warned that hypothyroidism can also affect libido. She also pointed out how much sleep deprivation drags down sex drive, which may sit at the root of plenty of dead bedrooms.

Several women who wrote in about their sexless marriages brought up hormone replacement therapy. Testosterone can boost libido and erectile function in men, while hormone treatments can offer similar benefits to women [4, 5, 6, 7]. Some women genuinely swear by it!

I then found a doctor that provides bio identical pellet hormone replacement therapy that is inserted in the hip. WOW, what a difference that has made. I cannot get enough sex with my husband. I have never experienced anything quite like this. My husband is over the moon with how sexual I have become. I recommend HRT to anyone having a lull in their libido. It has awakened my fantasies as well as released my sexual inhibitions.

Women who mentioned hormone therapy tended to be around menopause age, or married to men of similar age dealing with an age-related hormone decline. Still, dropping estrogen and testosterone can strike younger people too, or stem from an entirely different condition. Pregnancy and breastfeeding both shift your hormones considerably as well.

Naturally, health issues can also make achieving and sustaining an erection difficult or impossible, contributing to a sexless marriage. If your husband hasn't initiated sex in a while, he might be quietly hiding shame over erectile dysfunction.

Interestingly, some health conditions and medications work in the opposite direction, leaving someone almost constantly aroused. If that's you, and it's interfering with daily life, check out these tips to stop being so horny.

3. Past Trauma

Past sexual trauma can disrupt whatever sexual feelings you have now [8], sometimes leading directly to a sexless marriage. Survivors of sexual abuse who never received proper treatment can end up dealing with depression, anxiety, or PTSD, all of which can make wanting sex genuinely difficult.

Maintaining a healthy sex life often proves especially hard for anyone living with PTSD tied to prior sexual abuse [11, 12, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18]. PTSD tends to trigger withdrawal, mentally replaying the traumatic event, and avoiding anything that recalls it.

If you've experienced assault or abuse, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) for immediate support and guidance.

4. Emotional Problems Within the Marriage

The overall quality of your sex life often signals deeper problems in the relationship [19]. It's hard to want sex when you and your husband aren't getting along. Constant irritability, judgment, criticism, or blame toward each other kills the mood fast, and can drop you straight into a sexless marriage.

Plenty of our readers seem to grasp this instinctively, since their survey responses often pointed to relationship trouble sitting behind a sexless marriage. Some view their sex life as a kind of barometer for the relationship overall. One reader called it exactly that:

If a couple is not emotionally connected, then their sex life will reflect this, I believe this works the same for men too.

Another woman said she believed that "a couple is going for a long period without sex, there is something seriously wrong with their relationship, and lack of sex is symptomatic of a deeper loss of intimacy."

Yet another described talking with friends and

found out that a lot of them whose marriage was on the rocks were also in sexless marriages.

And finally, this one:

My theory is to have a successful sex life you need to both understand each other emotionally.

These represent just a handful of similar responses. If tension's been simmering beneath the surface of your relationship, you might notice sex tapering off, or stopping entirely! Fixing things in the bedroom often requires opening the door and addressing what's happening outside it, too.

Sometimes a lack of sex is deliberate: partners withhold it as leverage, or passive-aggressively as punishment for something. In that case, a sexless marriage might signal that one partner's genuinely upset and trying to punish the other, rather than resolve the issue (or simply end the marriage outright).

Note that makeup sex tends to happen when a couple's sex life stays active and healthy overall, following a specific disagreement.

5. Porn Addiction

Porn addiction sometimes drives a sexless marriage. There's a real difference between occasionally watching porn, alone or together, and becoming so consumed by it that it disrupts daily life and the relationship itself.

Check out these other reasons your husband might not be interested in sex.

People struggling with porn addiction want to stop, but genuinely can't. The pull is simply too strong to resist. This can leave a partner feeling rejected, inadequate, or unloved, which makes sex between the two of you that much harder.

6. Alcohol or Drug Problems

If one partner struggles with substance abuse, the marriage, and the sex life within it, will likely suffer. Substance abuse tends to accompany an unhappy marriage marked by real emotional distance. Fights often erupt over the substance abuse itself and everything tied to it: money troubles, broken trust, and resentment over neglected responsibilities. Physical altercations aren't unheard of either.

If you or your spouse is struggling with drugs or alcohol, the problem won't resolve on its own. Left untreated, it will likely worsen over time.

7. Cheating

Cheating often leads directly to a sexless marriage. Even happily married spouses cheat sometimes, but there's usually a steep price attached. Once cheating comes to light, keeping the marriage together gets genuinely difficult, and the relationship inevitably suffers. The betrayed partner may struggle to trust, or even want sex with, the person who cheated. Meanwhile, the person doing the cheating might stop having sex with their spouse altogether, leading straight into a dead bedroom.

8. Sexual Boredom

One theme kept resurfacing throughout our survey responses: boredom. Sex had grown stale and routine, so interest waned for one or both partners, and frequency dropped sharply. More than one woman described using tips from Love Curi to seduce her husband and give him sex unlike anything he'd experienced before. Readers told us this often reignited their own desire for sex, too.

What's more, trying new things in bed helped readers experience their first orgasm ("I thought because I was wet I had [an orgasm]. Lol no wonder I never wanted sex."), discover genuinely enjoyable sex, and move past sex that had always felt painful or rushed. We'll dig into exactly how to combat this boredom in the next section on fixing your sexless marriage.

Fixing a Sexless Marriage – The 9 Steps

A sexless marriage usually signals an underlying issue somewhere in the relationship. Once you and your spouse identify that problem and figure out how to address it, you stand a much better shot at a happy marriage, sex included.

1. Talk with Each Other

Bringing up the topic might feel awkward at first, but talking through the lack of sex with your spouse matters enormously. Skip the blame game or sulking. Use this moment to bring the issue into the open, then share your own wants and needs before letting your partner share theirs. Get tips for talking about the tricky subject of sex.

Feeling scared is okay. Vulnerability actually builds connection, and honesty is essential to a healthy relationship [20].

I guess we all fear exposing who we really are for fear of rejection. But often that’s what brings people closer together. It’s those ‘secrets’ that we know of each other that makes us close. Hiding ourselves from others may lead us to not feeling close to others. It’s the honesty and openess that brings us together in love.

Plenty of women had to learn this the hard way after landing in a sexless marriage. Others caught on sooner and avoided that fate. We agree wholeheartedly with these thoughtful words from Julie (thanks for the kind words too!):

In almost every article you’ve written, you stress the importance of communication, and rightly so, as this can often solve many issues. And while a sexless relationship can of course stem from many things, improper communication or an entire lack of it could also cause this.

After working through her own struggles, Julie and her husband…

spoke at length about all the issues we had, sexually or otherwise. Now we sit down and talk every week or so about these things to prevent such a problem again. The thing is, without talking about and solving this problem things would have gotten worse and we would have broken apart under the stress and tension.

One reader realized she'd been bumping her boyfriend's diabetes pump during sex, so he'd started avoiding certain positions. Once he explained, she could adjust, and their sex life picked back up. The fix turned out to be simple, but talking about it was the key step.

Another couple simply needed to confirm they both wanted more from their sex life. From there, they started experimenting and ended up rediscovering each other entirely. The wife sent us one of the most genuinely moving emails describing the shift:

For a good 2 weeks I felt like we were just becoming intimate for the 1st time ever. I was shy, blushing, giggling like a school girl. I didn’t know him like *that* anymore. So after 12 years together, 9 married, I got to feel like he was someone new all over again. Something I NEVER thought I’d experience again in my lifetime […] I could go 2 or 3 times a day […] It’s like I’m trying to make up for 3 years, plus I wanna try all sorts of new stuff because I found that my body is reacting completely different than before our “sexual hiatus” [..] I had never had even one single vaginal orgasm before, or female ejaculation but suddenly now, it’s easy! He was making me feel ways that words can’t describe[.]

The sooner these conversations happen, the better. One reader deeply regretted never trying to reconnect sexually with her husband before he passed away.

I wish we had talked about it and yes done something about it. But again we ignored the help out there and chose to pretend everything was ok. Even if we couldn’t have full sex we could have found other ways to satisfy each other and cement our marital relationship but sadly we didn’t.

If relationship issues sit behind your sexless marriage, expect conversations that stretch well beyond sex itself, and that's fine. Plenty of readers described repairing their marriage and reviving their sex life only after tackling those issues openly and honestly.

If face-to-face conversation feels too hard, try email or a written letter instead. One woman even built an entire journal filled with inspiration for new things to try, honest entries about her feelings on sex, and space for both her and her husband to record their thoughts about their "play dates." She even wrote some erotica into it and has since penned a full erotic novel for the two of them to enjoy together. Talk about putting it all out there!

That's a lot of effort, though, so you might prefer the simpler approach another reader took instead:

I got us a little book and wrote in it that if there was anything sexual he wanted to try but couldn’t tell me to write it down and leave it out and I would read it and make a decision on if we could do it or not […] Our sex life went from a quick fuck to extremely exciting and new. We have tried loads of different sex techniques, from tying me up, spanking, biting me and I have him take full control, I became his sub and we couldn’t be happier. […] I have recently learned that it’s not me who was the problem it was his self confidence and letting him be the dominant one and doing stuff i never dreamed i would do and thought I would never enjoy but really do we are happier then ever.

2. Fix Your Relationship

A sexless marriage doesn't necessarily spell the end; it might just mean you need to rebuild emotional intimacy before the sexual side can follow. Readers suggested nonsexual touch, like massage or cuddling, which may lead to sex but also feels good and builds connection on its own. Hugs, kisses, and small touches throughout the day help your husband feel loved and wanted. Playful moments and eye contact can also subtly get you back on the same wavelength.

Take a look at these sweet words from a reader:

Once our needs are met on an emotional level, great sex has a tendency to follow. Let’s face it, we are all looking to connect and bond on the deepest level. We were created first and foremost for companionship. Sometimes after we have talked awhile we will make love passionately 5-6 times throughout the evening. Our motto is Don’t take our time away from us.

Making his day-to-day life easier can help too. Your husband might genuinely want sex but simply lack the time or energy for it by day's end. Could this explain why so many women find a partner pulling their weight around the house so arousing? Help create space for sex by pitching in with a few tasks yourself.

Another reader pointed out that sex isn't everything in a relationship and stressed how much doing things together as a team matters. Whether that's sports, volunteering, or a shared hobby, these activities build faith in each other as a unit, and…

when they realize that they’re a good complement, that they are the A team, they can take back their sex life.

Take it from this reader:

Try to do more non-sexual things for you partner, whether it be to help them work on their motorbike, make them their favourite meal, do that one thing they keep asking you to do but haven’t got around to, buy or make them something just-because. Take interest in their hobbies and just have fun with them! And once your partner stops feeling pressured to have sex they’ll start having fun again and do it because they WANT to be with you.

Skeptical of what readers are saying? Research backs it up: couples who had sex at least once a week reported the highest happiness [21, 22]. So having sex, even when the desire isn't quite there yet, might genuinely strengthen your marriage!

3. See a Professional

Since health issues drive so many dead bedrooms, a doctor's visit could help rule out, or address, underlying conditions affecting your libido. Viagra alone might be all your husband needs to get hard and shed the shame and anxiety weighing on him. Tips for dealing with sexual anxiety here.

Sometimes a different kind of specialist is the answer. A therapist focused on intimacy and sexual difficulties can offer real strategies for reviving sex within your marriage. A common recommendation involves discussing the problem together, free of distractions. Stay tactful in what you say, and genuinely listen to your partner without interrupting or getting defensive.

You might also be asked to list out whatever's standing in the way of sex. Sometimes simply writing the problem down helps clarify the steps needed to fix it.

A therapist may suggest joint activities, or individual work each of you can do separately. Shame, sex-negative thinking, or insecurity, in either partner, can seriously hinder your sex life.

The key is genuinely wanting to improve, following through, and communicating honestly and openly. One reader put it bluntly:

Go to counseling and be [h]onest don’t hold back

4. Try New Things Sexually

If you're navigating a sexless marriage, these posts on Love Curi, all focused on reigniting that sexual spark (as opposed to fulfilling deeper desires, which we'll cover shortly), might help.

• 9 Ideas to Spice up Your Sex Life
• The 6 Best Sex Games For Back Arching Pleasure!
• 16 Incredible New Things to Try in Bed
• 5 Super Hot Sex Games For The Bedroom
• 16 Kinky Sex Ideas to Spice Up Sex
• 8 Hot Sex Games To Keep Your Sex Life On Fire!
• 12 Sizzling Sex Games For Couples
• 5 Kinky Sex Tips For Hot, Nasty Sex!

Two specific moves can help transform your sexless marriage into a genuinely sexy one: switching up positions and adding toys.

Try some, or all, of the 100+ positions in this sex position guide (we'd bet you haven't tried them all!). Even ones that aren't your absolute favorite are worth a try just for the novelty. Plus, you're having sex again. Some positions favor a woman's orgasm, others favor a man's, and plenty work great for both. You might even land on a brand-new favorite through experimenting.

Go shopping together for sex toys, too. Some respondents mentioned that simply walking into a sex toy store gave their libido a boost. Plenty of couples' toys deliver pleasure to both partners simultaneously (check out our recommendations for the best sex toys in this post). Sometimes all it takes is a bit of lube to get the ball rolling.

5. Go On a Marriage Retreat

Marriage retreats offer couples a getaway centered on working through the relationship alongside a counselor, teaching tools you need for a stronger marriage. These retreats run all over the United States, and some even take place abroad. You'll spend time with other couples during these retreats, with the option to join group discussions if you're comfortable doing so.

6. Figure Out What You Want

Share your sexual desires openly with each other to reignite things. Here's a list of common fantasies among men and women, maybe one or more sounds like yours:

• One partner takes charge for the night, directing the sex however they'd like (these 6 BDSM games work great for power play, or you could take charge by denying him orgasm)
• Bring back oral sex if it's fallen off the menu
• Try anal sex: find anal sex tips right here on the site for doing it comfortably and pleasurably
• Watch each other masturbate. Female masturbation tips & techniques.
• Watch porn together
• Have sex in a public place (carefully avoiding getting caught) or try these different places to have sex.
• Role play with your man.
• Book a motel or hotel room for a getaway
• Have a threesome
• Tie each other up (tips for light bondage)

Find more inspiration in our post about the most common sexual fantasies.

While figuring out what you actually want and need from sex, masturbating is worth trying (How To Masturbate (For Women): 7 Step Orgasmic Guide). It lets you experiment risk-free before bringing new ideas into the bedroom to enjoy the anticipation of great sex together!

7. Build Sexual Tension

Building sexual tension helps put you in the mood for sex, and there are plenty of ways to do it.

• Flirt with your husband the way you did while dating: hold his gaze while talking, and don't shy away from a little dirty talk. All our flirting tips are located here!
• Touch him whenever you pass by. Rub his back or rest a hand on his shoulder.
• Send him a sext while you're apart. Something as simple as telling him you can't wait for him to get home works fine.
• Sit close beside him on the couch during TV time.
• Wear an outfit you know flatters you and that he loves. Learn more on dressing sexy.
• Give him a lingering hug before he leaves, or right when he walks back in.
• Whisper something to him while you're out together in public. Here are some dirty talking ideas to get you started.

Curious for more advice on sexual tension?

Put it all together, and you might end up with a marriage that resembles this happily-married reader's description:

My husband and I make time for us, whether it’s date night, a night away, lunch dates, etc. We try to have fun together and remain as connected as possible. Neither of us use social media, so being consumed by our devices is not an issue. We go to church together, snowmobile, fish and do enjoyable things as a couple. I’m pretty assertive, so I don’t have issues communicating when things go astray, I try to lay it all out, talk and move on.

We talk about sex too. We are both very open-minded and communicate easily about our needs.

Not always, but many mornings I wake up and ask him or think about what I can do that day to make his day better. The thing is, I have a great man and all my effort comes back around. He treats me as well as I treat him and all this culminates into a very satisfying sex life.

8. Masturbate

Being married doesn't rule out masturbating. In fact, sexually satisfied women may masturbate more often [23]! Several women who responded to our survey mentioned masturbation, including one who described this:

Rather than pressure him, I upped my masturbation game. I discretely ordered a couple of toys & watch some porn for women (which is not quite my cup of tea, but is better than nothing). I don’t want him to feel bad and I still want to feel good. So far (6+ months), it’s working well-still happily married.

If you're having some sex but not quite enough, why not get yourself off in the meantime? It requires no partner, no prep, and typically far less stress than partnered sex.

Even if you're the partner with lower interest, masturbating can sometimes be the very thing that rekindles it. One reader, Belle, put it simply:

The best thing I did to get me interested in sex again was to start masturbating.

That same woman also started prioritizing her own pleasure more during partnered sex.

9. Give Your Desire Something to Respond to

This next tip speaks to a specific group of women (or men) whose low desire might be behind their sexless marriage. You likely feel guilty for not wanting sex while your partner's needs go unmet. Once you've ruled out other causes, ask yourself whether you truly don't want sex, or whether you just don't want to initiate it. If you find yourself enjoying sex once you're already in the middle of it, you may have responsive desire.

Responsive desire isn't the same thing as low desire [24, 25]. It simply means desire doesn't kick in the moment your husband initiates. Research also shows a huge share of women's sexual desire is responsive rather than spontaneous [26], and this varies quite a bit person to person. Some women find themselves wired almost entirely for responsive desire.

For some women, it helps if a husband initiates through action rather than words. Others find that saying "yes" even when only lukewarm on the idea leads to genuine enjoyment once things get going [27, 28]. Their desire responds to the action itself rather than sparking the action in the first place.

Other ways to invite desire include writing or reading erotica, watching porn, sexting your husband, touching yourself, or pouring a drink. Understanding how your desire actually works might be the key to finally saying goodbye to sexlessness for good!

Learn more about how you can make your desire respond to get horny.

Sex Frequency and Drive Rises And Falls

Plenty of people wrestling with a sexless marriage have been dealing with it for a long time, but not everyone. Some people grow concerned much faster, and that worry isn't always warranted.

Sexual frequency naturally shifts across the life of any marriage. It typically peaks early in a relationship and then settles into a lower, steadier rhythm. Satisfaction follows a similar arc, peaking early before gradually declining [29].

Having kids in the house, paired with a lack of sleep (the two often go together), can consume your attention and your partner's [30]. Pregnancy and breastfeeding both alter hormone levels, which in turn disrupts sexual desire [31]. Plenty of women see their libido dip after giving birth [32]. Sex tends to slow down in midlife too, before eventually picking back up [33].

Moving, switching jobs, or caring for an aging parent all count as stressful life events, and stress wreaks havoc on libido [34]. Even so, most stressful stretches eventually pass. Understanding that your sex life won't stay red-hot forever, and that desire isn't something you can fully control, matters enormously for your own peace of mind and the health of your marriage. There's no fixed constant, as one wife puts it:

What I have learned and continue to learn is that sex, both the desire and act comes and goes through out the years. When we were young we both wanted sex all the time and anywhere. We were blessed with two children and my desire for sex dried up for a while. […] We are now in our late 40’s our children are mostly grown and stable people. I now have the desire but had noticed over the last couple of years my husband was not enthusiastic about sex.

After a doctor's visit, her husband discovered he had low testosterone and started hormone treatment to address it.

Wow!! What a difference! We are happy adventurous honeymooners once again! We are both looking forward to the next 25 years.

Don't close the book just yet if you haven't found your happy ending. Another chapter might still be waiting.

Dealing with Rejection

Based on our survey responses, rejection can leave you feeling unworthy, unloved, or even humiliated. Being turned down is never easy, and it's especially frustrating if you're the one repeatedly initiating only to be shot down. Feeling hurt or confused is understandable, but responding with anger or resentment rarely helps and won't end the dry spell any faster. One reader summed it up well:

As frustrated and rejected you feel, the other person feels annoyed and pressured too.

Even trying to hold back anger, constant nagging for sex can push a spouse away entirely. It can leave him feeling guilty and anxious, which only lowers his desire for sex further. People in this position can easily start feeling like a partner sees them purely as a sexual object rather than the person they pledged their life to.

They may need space and time to enjoy life and the marriage without constantly worrying about your desire for sex. That breathing room can actually be what brings desire back.

Accepting a "no" beats whining or coercion every time. You want your husband to have sex with you because he genuinely wants to, not out of obligation. If he can offer certain sexual activities but not penetrative sex, appreciate the pleasure and intimacy you can still share, and avoid pushing the issue further. It may help to broaden your own definition of sex beyond specific acts (PIV sex, for instance) to include a wider range of intimate activities.

Having Other Sexual Partners

Only a handful of survey respondents mentioned outside sexual partners. Some described cheating without their partner's knowledge, while a couple described arrangements where sex outside the marriage happened with the husband's full consent, an open marriage. To be clear, we don't recommend cheating. But open marriages can genuinely work for some couples, particularly if the root of your sexless marriage is that you can't have sex rather than don't want to.

That said, this solution isn't for everyone, since it demands real trust and discreet partners. Even then, it doesn't always solve underlying relationship issues, as this sad email illustrates:

His solution was to offer me an open relationship, he can’t be bothered so Im allowed to go elsewhere. But deep down, his lack of interest leaves me feeling very lonely.

Another woman simply told her husband she planned to cheat. That initially sparked a couple weeks of renewed sexual activity, which then faded again. She let us know the arrangement wasn't ideal but currently works well enough for her and her husband.

One man, meanwhile, told us he stopped pursuing sex with his wife and started seeing escorts instead. He worries about her finding out, but summed up how he currently feels.

Frankly, I think the escort services has saved my marriage. My wife and I are both happy with our sex life (or none in her case), so that is no longer an issue driving a wedge in our marriage.

When You Can't Fix a Sexless Marriage

As much as we'd love every dead bedroom to be revivable, that's not always realistic. When we asked readers how they'd handled their own sexless marriages, plenty pointed to divorce as the actual cure. That didn't mean the marriage or sex life got saved, of course. Instead, these women chose to end relationships that no longer met their needs, and they weren't shy about voicing exactly what they wanted sexually.

While this piece focuses on sexless marriages specifically, plenty of readers noted that the lack of sex went hand in hand with a broader lack of respect and care, breeding real resentment. Some readers described otherwise strong relationships with sex as the sole weak point, while others recognized their sexless marriage as a symptom of deeper problems, some unsolvable, denied, or ignored by a partner, or simply too deeply rooted to fix. So divorce came up again and again as the recommended path.

Several women wondered why they'd waited so long to divorce, while others described feeling trapped by pressure from friends and family, or expectations tied to marriage itself.

None of this means divorce came easily, or that readers didn't worry about the impact on their lives and children. Quite the opposite, respondents described real trepidation about leaving. Still, they recognized they could no longer stay in a sexless marriage, and if their partner wasn't going to be the one to change things, they'd have to be.

Despite mixed emotions around divorce, nearly everyone who mentioned it felt genuinely glad they'd gone through with it. Plenty of readers had gone on to build happy, healthy relationships that included sex, having finally learned what they truly needed and no longer willing to settle for less. Even readers who remained single, or had experienced heartbreak since, were still relieved they'd made the choice.

As one reader summed it up:

While I don’t regret my marriage, I do wish I had gotten out earlier so that I could have had more years of great sex!

To be clear, we're not saying you should end your marriage purely because sex has stopped, especially if you haven't tried fixing it, or the cause is clearly temporary. But if it's been dragging on a long time, divorce might be worth considering, potentially a sign your marriage ended a while ago already.

One woman offered this counterpoint, though:

The scars divorce leave behind are far more outweighing than the marital blues.

One study found that plenty of people stay married, or in a long-term relationship, despite an absence of sex [35].

All of this circles back to a bigger question: how important is sex, really, to a marriage or relationship? The honest answer is that it depends entirely on you. Only you know what's acceptable within your relationship, and only your husband knows the same for himself. All too often, couples eventually realize they simply aren't sexually compatible.

We talked and analyzed it to death and with the help of the counselor figured out that we were better friends than married people. I know you have to be friends first, but in my marriage, the sex part was lacking and that’s a part of marriage. Without it, you’re just friends or room mates.

Another woman echoed similar thoughts:

But the truth is if you can’t connect with a lover physically then they are in the friend-zone!

Talking it through with your partner can help you both reach an understanding, ideally well before you get married.

Read More: How Important Is Sex to a Relationship?

A few survey respondents noted that compatibility from the very start really matters, even though they'd ignored the early warning signs themselves. For some, sex is genuinely a dealbreaker, though that's not universal. For example, one 67-year-old woman described how aging made sex with her husband difficult. She'd have liked continued PIV sex, but it wasn't where she drew a hard line.

If [penetrative sex] happens it happens, if not it doesn’t change the way I feel about him.

Other women echoed similar sentiments, saying sex wasn't the most crucial part of their relationship, or at least not more important than other genuinely strong, positive aspects. Here's one more example:

I seriously enjoy my time with my partner, all the time. We will go months at a time without having sex and it doesn’t [a]ffect our relationship at all.

While a lack of sex often signals other relationship trouble, that's not always the case. Sometimes there's simply nothing to be done about the absence of sex, and you consciously choose to stay with your husband regardless. Sex is only one piece of marriage, after all. If your marriage is otherwise strong and neither of you is deeply troubled by the lack of sex, continuing on as you have may be perfectly fine.

As you can see, a sexless marriage can stem from all kinds of causes. The encouraging news is that most of these problems are genuinely fixable, though it takes real work and time. Your sexless marriage almost certainly didn't happen overnight, but putting in the effort to get the sex back is worth every bit of it.

Once sex resumes, you should notice a real boost in happiness and satisfaction with your marriage. Sex triggers oxytocin, the feel-good hormone, and it's a genuinely fun way to keep a marriage strong.

Since you've already experienced a sexless marriage once, it's worth staying aware of exactly how it happened, watching for signs you're slipping back into old patterns. Catching those signs early gives you the chance to apply your fixes again and get your sex life back on track.

Resources

• /r/DeadBedrooms is a Reddit community where people discuss sexless relationships and trade advice and support.
• Dr. Justin Lehmiller has written about how common sexless marriage really is as well as how sexual satisfaction shifts over time on his blog.
• Younger readers dealing with a sexless marriage aren't alone. Millennials, in fact, report less sex than any prior generation, according to this article in the LA Times.
• Relationships in America explores how common "sexually inactive" marriages actually are, even though 70% of people say they want a fulfilling sexual relationship [36]
• One couple spoke to The Guardian about their happy but celibate marriage.
• Tracy Clark-Flory of Salon covers how women navigate their sexless marriages.
• Kelsey Borresen interviewed sex therapists for advice geared toward people in sexless marriages and shared their insights on Huffington Post.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1: Is a sexless marriage bad?

Plenty of people feel dissatisfied finding themselves in a marriage with little or no sex, especially if sex ranks high on their priority list, but that's not universal. It might be hard to imagine if you're already frustrated, but for some people, sex simply matters less, and a sexless marriage isn't automatically cause for concern.

Our reader Belle put it well:

If you are happy then don’t judge yourself by other peoples expectations

The real takeaway is not stressing over how much sex other people are having (find out here), and focusing instead on how much you want. That said, real issues surface when one spouse is content without sex while the other isn't, often breeding resentment and pressure over time.

FAQ #2: Is there any way to prevent a sexless marriage?

While some injuries or conditions can make sex genuinely impossible, a few steps can help you avoid ever landing in a sexless marriage. First, prioritize your health, which helps you stay fit enough (and attractive to your partner) to keep having sex as you age.

Second, confirm sexual compatibility with your partner before marriage. That includes things like preferred sex style (rough or gentle, kinky or vanilla) and frequency. Greater compatibility upfront means fewer issues as the relationship matures.

One way to boost compatibility is staying open to a range of sexual activities. The more conservative your tastes, the fewer options you and your husband will have to explore together. Trying new things also keeps a sex life exciting even decades into a marriage.

Discussing compatibility also lays the groundwork for open, honest communication about sex from day one. That's essential for avoiding a sexless marriage altogether: talk through your needs, fantasies, and concerns to build the best possible sex life and smooth out issues before they become unmanageable. It also means not assuming your sex life will magically improve after the wedding if it's already been lackluster.

This kind of proactive approach means you don't expect sex to simply happen (often enough, or well enough) on its own, or assume your partner can read your mind. In short, you actually plan for good sex and work toward making it happen, rather than just hoping for the best.

Once you've built a strong sexual foundation, reinforce it by continuing to make time for sex (scheduling it if needed), talking about it regularly, and experimenting to keep things interesting.

FAQ #3: Does not having sex mean we're not in love?

Sex is one way of expressing and feeling love with your husband. If he doesn't want sex, or turns down your advances, it can feel like a sign he doesn't love you. But there could be plenty of other explanations, confidence issues, erectile dysfunction, work-related stress that has nothing to do with you, or a dip in libido from a new medication or health concern. A lack of interest on his end doesn't automatically mean he doesn't love you, or that you're doing something wrong.

Similarly, if your own sex drive drops, that's not necessarily a sign your relationship's failing or that you're incompatible. It might just mean working to rediscover your sexual rhythm, or that something's off physically rather than romantically.

FAQ #4: We haven't had sex in a while, should I be worried?

Days, weeks, months, or even years have passed without sex, and that can feel especially jarring if your sex life used to be active. Before spiraling into worry or suspecting infidelity, sit down and talk with him. Discuss anything affecting your relationship, your lives, or your health. Talking might feel like a small step, but it can be a genuine leap toward rekindling your sex life.

Try not to let your mind run wild with worry, especially if it hasn't actually been that long in the bigger picture. A week with houseguests, an illness, or an especially hectic month can all explain a temporary lull. Your lack of sex may simply mean you've both been exhausted and overwhelmed, and it's time to schedule a proper date night.

July 30, 2020