Boosting Female Libido: Fixing 10 Common Sex Drive Killers

There's no magic pill yet for boosting female sex drive, but plenty of real strategies exist to give your libido a genuine lift. Step one toward a higher sex drive: identifying exactly what's holding yours back.

What You Need To Know To Boost Your Sex Drive

We reached out to Dr. Chelsea Holland, DHS, MS and she recommended: "To address low libido you first want to be an investigator to find out what is blocking you from being willing to be intimate. This might include stress, lack of sleep, constant arguments with your partner, medication, kids, pain in sex, negative body image and chronic pain."

With that framing in mind, we dug into ten of the most common factors that throw off libido balance, factors that can create real friction if your partner wants sex more often than you do, or even just leave you feeling off if your own drive isn't what it used to be.

1. Hormones Matter A Lot

Two hormone categories drive libido the most: androgens (testosterone included [1]) and estrogen [2]. Testosterone gets branded a "male" hormone, but women's bodies produce it too. Beyond boosting aggression tendencies, it can genuinely amplify sex drive [3]!

Noticing less interest in sex than usual? A testosterone dip could be the culprit. Supplements exist to address this [4], though they carry risks like weight gain and increased body hair. Always consult your doctor before starting treatment, she may steer you toward something other than testosterone, or a different hormonal approach entirely.

Estrogen plays its own role too, boosting libido at healthy levels, dampening it when low. Levels shift throughout life and even across your monthly cycle. Estrogen kicks in during puberty, both triggering your cycle (egg release and shedding the uterine lining when unfertilized) and driving overall body development [5]. Many girls notice their sex drive emerging or intensifying around this stage.

Estrogen and other hormones fluctuate across your cycle too, driving monthly uterine lining growth among other functions. But it's actually the midcycle testosterone and progesterone spike that can leave you feeling extra horny right before your period [6] [7].

Related: How to stop being so horny.

Pregnancy shifts hormones dramatically too. Everything rises, which can bring mood swings alongside either increased or decreased desire. Postpartum recovery takes time to normalize. And beyond estrogen and testosterone, prolactin produced during breastfeeding suppresses ovarian activity, affecting libido too [8].

This explains both why pregnancy's harder (though not impossible) during breastfeeding, and why getting in the mood might feel difficult during this window, your hormones simply haven't settled yet. Usually a temporary phase.

During menopause, declining estrogen production often brings a libido dip [9] [10]. Supplements exist for low estrogen, but check with your doctor first, as covered further below.

2. Birth Control Might Be Interfering

Hormonal birth control, the pill, patch, shot, implant, or hormonal IUD, can all shift your sex drive [11]. These methods introduce new hormones into your system.

Combination methods carry both male and female hormone types, though not all do. Progestin-only pills (POPs, or mini-pills) skip estrogen entirely, most other pills include it. These methods block ovulation, which in turn stops your ovaries from producing extra hormones, testosterone included.

Estrogen offers real benefits beyond contraception, regulating cycles and easing cramps. But not every side effect is positive, lowered libido being a common one. Not universal, but common enough [12]. One reader shared:

So many birth controls that so many women are taking make them lose their sex drive immensely. I have just recently stopped using mine and have found that I am starting to feel like myself again!

Why does this happen? Because your ovaries also produce testosterone [13], and altering ovarian function through birth control means less of it circulating.

A few possible fixes worth considering: switching to the mini-pill, or any method carrying fewer hormones overall, which may disrupt your natural balance less. Non-hormonal options, condoms, diaphragms, cervical caps, or a copper IUD, are worth exploring too.

Whatever direction you take, loop in your doctor. Birth control counts as medication, and she may caution against stopping abruptly. And remember, rebalancing your hormones can take real time.

3. Stress Tanks Libido

Sex can genuinely relieve stress, but stress itself can leave you feeling disconnected from your partner, even your own body, tanking both the amount and desire for sex.

Dr. Celeste Holbrook, Ph.D. puts it this way: "It is very difficult to be vulnerable, let go and relax into pleasure with your partner when your mind is full. The body will follow the mind anywhere, so it is helpful to try and unhook from responsibilities in any way you can, including asking for help."

As covered in our guide to getting horny (haven't read it? Check out our advice on how to get horny), stress functions as a brake, slowing libido down considerably. One respondent to our arousal survey put it simply:

Also get rid of anxiety in your life by any means that is safe and healthy.

Solid advice.

Some stressors are easier to manage than others. Maybe the kids can stay with grandparents for a night, or your partner pitches in on chores, or you trade sensual massages. That last one doubles as genuinely great foreplay and relaxation combined.

Discover the key to a great sensual massage.

Some life seasons will inevitably run more stressful than others, sometimes beyond your control. Where you can, scale back obligations at work, school, or home, and simplify what remains. Get clear on real priorities and avoid overcommitting. If that's not realistic, meditation or yoga can help ease built-up tension.

Sometimes professional support becomes necessary. Therapy and medication genuinely help, particularly with anxiety, which can seep into your sex life and dampen satisfaction.

Some nervousness around sex is completely normal (learn how to work through sexual anxiety), especially with someone new, but sex itself shouldn't add stress to your plate. It has real potential to feel pleasurable, connective, and genuinely positive, and satisfying sex can actually dissolve anxious feelings thanks to the calming hormones it releases.

Related: Why Does Sex Feel So Good

4. Medical Conditions (Or Their Treatment) Could Be The Cause

Reduced libido sometimes signals an underlying medical issue. If undiagnosed, mentioning low libido to your doctor could genuinely help pinpoint it. Or you might already have a diagnosis without realizing decreased sex drive is a known symptom, doctors don't always flag the sexual health angle.

Conditions linked to reduced libido include:

1. Sleep apnea
2. Arthritis
3. Cancer
4. Mood disorders
5. Renal failure
6. Multiple sclerosis
7. Low androgen levels
8. Hyperprolactinemia (excess prolactin [14])
9. Diabetes [15]
10. High blood pressure
11. Coronary artery disease
12. PCOS [16]

The first six typically lower libido through sheer fatigue. Numbers 7 and 8 involve hormonal imbalance directly, and hormones are central to sex drive [17].

You might already be treated for one of these, though sleep apnea in particular often goes unaddressed, with low libido as just one downstream effect.

Mental health matters just as much. Anxiety and depression are notorious libido disruptors, while the reverse holds too, higher happiness levels correlate with stronger sexual desire [18].

Unfortunately, treatments for these conditions can carry their own libido cost. SSRIs specifically are known to lower desire [19], and blood pressure medications can reduce genital blood flow [20].

Noticed reduced desire since starting a new medication? Talk to your doctor about adjusting dosage or switching options.

5. Poor Overall Health Drags Down Sex Drive

Without specific diagnosed conditions, general poor health still tends to suppress libido. Low energy alone makes everything harder, sex very much included.

Other unhealthy habits factor in too. A glass of wine can loosen inhibitions just enough to enjoy sex, but too many drinks and desire (or coordination) disappears entirely. Other substances carry similar risk.

Chronically skimping on sleep? Worth reconsidering, adequate rest genuinely supports healthy libido [21].

And since blood flow underpins physical arousal, smoking works directly against you there too [22].

Solid diet and regular exercise boost both energy and libido, plus one more bonus: self-image.

6. Body Image Struggles

We're bombarded constantly with images of "perfect" women (and men). Yet even supermodels get Photoshopped, with professional teams spending hours crafting that polish. When celebrities themselves sometimes don't recognize their own edited photos, it's clear nobody can realistically meet these standards.

Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D. explained to us: "Many things can interfere with women's desire, including receiving negative and shaming messages about sex and your body when growing up, traumatic sexual experiences and poor body image."

What does that mean for the 99.9% of us who aren't supermodels? Plenty of body image and self-esteem struggles surface right at the moment of undressing for a partner. You're far from alone here, and plenty of men wrestle with similar feelings too.

Remember, your partner chose you, and love only deepens that attraction. There's also no singular formula for attractiveness, you've probably been drawn to quite different-looking people over time.

One genuine confidence booster: investing in lingerie and clothing that make you feel authentically sexy. We've got advice for picking out sexy lingerie right here. Bring your partner along for the shopping, it's a libido boost in itself.

Consider snapping a few sexy selfies to send your partner (sexting genuinely gets plenty of women in the mood), or booking a professional boudoir session. Both work wonders for confidence.

On overcoming body image struggles specifically, Dr. Jenn shared: "At a foundational level, it's important for women to know that they are not broken and that their relationship isn't broken, and if they are willing to spend some time journaling on their beliefs, emotions, and experiences around this topic, they can start to figure out what's going on."

Try not to get too fixated on how you look mid-sex. Redirect focus to how things feel and what makes your partner feel good. Not everything during sex looks glamorous, but plenty of it feels great regardless.

7. Unresolved Trauma

Past sexual assault, however "minor" it might seem in retrospect, can genuinely trigger sexual dysfunction [23]. Whatever happened wasn't your fault, and you still deserve a fulfilling sex life.

Processing an assault you've never spoken about aloud can feel genuinely hard. A professional can help enormously.

Eventually, sharing your history with a partner, even partially, can help them support you through it.

8. A History Of Bad Sex

If your past experiences have mostly involved pain, coercion, awkwardness, or simply feeling disconnected rather than fulfilled, wanting more sex makes little sense. Why would you?

All too often, men's needs get centered in bed while women's go unmet. Some young women even define "good sex" as simply sex that doesn't hurt [24]. No wonder some women end up with a dampened libido, there's simply nothing in it for them.

This might explain why some women approach sex almost transactionally, trading it for something else of value. But sex offers real, tangible benefits worth claiming for yourself too. Reducing dissatisfaction directly boosts libido [25].

A few concrete ways forward:

• Discover what you actually enjoy. Solo exploration works best here. Use fingers or a toy. Notice what feels good, what brings you to orgasm. Most women need clitoral stimulation specifically, so start there. Explore your body's full range of responsive areas too. Read about your 12 erogenous zones. Once pleasure and orgasm click for you solo, libido often follows, and you can carry those lessons directly into partnered sex.
• Voice what you want. Talk with your partner about your needs before things heat up. Our guide to talking about sex with your partner offers a solid starting point for expressing wants, deepening fulfillment, and building closeness. And in the moment, ask directly for the specific touch you crave, more foreplay, less intensity, a different position. Conversations about sex are genuinely hard, but worth it.
• Take the lead yourself. If your partner isn't quite hitting the mark, step in. Grab your favorite vibrator or touch yourself while he's inside you (the guide to using your vibrator helps here). Guide his hand directly to show him exactly what works.

9. You're Craving Something More

Maybe your sex life isn't bad exactly, but is it dull?

If a wild night means missionary before bed, plenty of sexual territory remains unexplored. For a lot of people, that formula simply doesn't satisfy long-term.

Perhaps a specific fetish or kink is calling to you (try one of these kinky sex ideas), something that adds real spark and pushes you toward more intense orgasms.

Psst, check out the complete list of sexual kinks and fetishes.

Plenty of fantasy territory exists, and we've explored a lot of it here on Love Curi:

• BDSM and light bondage
• Dominating your partner or embracing submission
• Threesomes or group sex
• Role-playing with your partner

The more you explore, the more you'll discover what genuinely excites you.

Actually acting on a fantasy isn't required either. Watch porn, or read (even write) erotica centered on your favorite scenario. Fantasizing is a completely natural part of human sexuality that supports libido [26] [27], and sharing fantasies with a partner can be genuinely hot in itself. Eventually, actual desire for sex often follows.

Read More: The 10 Most Common Sexual Fantasies

10. Relationship Trouble

Plenty of people struggle to get in the mood when something's off in the relationship itself [28]. Constant fighting or total communication breakdown both create real distance. Infidelity makes physical intimacy especially difficult too.

Some issues you can work through together, others benefit from professional support. Even solo therapy can improve both the relationship and your own wellbeing, though a partner willing to engage jointly helps considerably more.

Even denying relationship problems exist won't stop them from dampening your desire. Denial doesn't build a healthy relationship or satisfying sex life. Honesty, with yourself and your partner, works far better.

Every relationship has ups and downs, and sex is often the first casualty during a rough patch. Having sex while feeling disconnected can feel wrong, yet it can also genuinely help you reconnect exactly when you need it most. Sex can't fix a fundamentally broken relationship, but it can deepen closeness during good stretches. And repairing the relationship itself often revitalizes your sex life in turn.

That said, if relationship issues genuinely can't be resolved, walking away might be the healthier path, especially if low libido traces back to abusive dynamics like belittling or insults. Any signs of abuse warrant leaving as safely and quickly as possible. Your sex drive may well return with a better partner.

Your Libido Might Be Completely Normal

If your desire fluctuates, differs from your (male) partner's motivations for wanting sex [29], consistently lags behind his, or just feels genuinely confusing, don't panic. It might be entirely typical.

Here's why...

First, sex drive naturally shifts over time. Early relationship excitement often means constant desire. As novelty fades and daily responsibilities pile up, desire commonly dips. Having to deliberately schedule sex can make your sex life feel sparse by comparison. But plenty of people find wanting sex increases the more they actually have it.

So not craving sex right now doesn't mean your drive won't roar back once stress eases and time opens up.

Second, comparing female libido to male libido rarely serves anyone well. Women's sexuality, desire included, gets framed too often as a lesser version of men's. That framing does a disservice to something that's not lesser, just different.

Women often want sex less frequently than men on average. Expecting your drive to perfectly mirror a partner's (current or otherwise) isn't realistic or particularly useful.

Of course, that's not universal. You might want sex just as much, or more, than your partner. Also completely normal.

Feeling emotionally close and loved before wanting sex is common territory for women [29], and plenty of men relate to this too.

There's another key difference worth understanding here. Dr. Celeste Holbrook explains: "Many men experience spontaneous arousal: arousal occurs so they seek out sexual experiences." Meaning nothing sexual needs to be happening around them for desire, or even an erection, to appear.

Some women experience this random spontaneous desire too, but a much larger share of female desire is responsive rather than spontaneous [30]. Desire kicks in after arousal begins, once sexual cues are already present. Maybe giving your partner a hand job gets you going, or oral sex starting before you feel aroused sparks it soon after.

With responsive desire, if those triggering cues never show up, there's nothing for your libido to respond to. It might feel like little to no drive exists (and current research methods might even misread this as accurate [31]). In reality, you just need the right trigger. Both sexual activity and emotional connection can supply that spark [32].

Only get in the mood when circumstances align just right? That's likely responsive desire at work. Whatever creates "just right" conditions is exactly your personal trigger set.

And in case responsive desire sounds like a flaw, Dr. Holbrook clarifies: "Neither model of arousal is wrong, but we as a society tend to think only in terms of spontaneous arousal. It can be very helpful to understand that her arousal may only show up after she starts engaging in sensual behavior."

Responsive desire sometimes goes by "receptive desire" too, and leaning into that receptiveness genuinely helps. Not quite in the mood but start fooling around, watching your partner, or lending a hand? Desire might kick in soon after. This isn't a suggestion to force yourself into unwanted sex, but it's worth trying when you'd genuinely like to want it more. This pattern often intensifies within long-term relationships [33].

M.D. Rosemary Basson pioneered the concept of responsive female desire in the early 2000s [34] [35], with sex educator Emily Nagoski continuing that work today. Nagoski's actually pushed back against "pink Viagra" concepts, arguing responsive desire isn't abnormal at all. It's healthy and typical, desire doesn't need to originate at any fixed stage of the sexual response cycle.

That's likely part of why both men and women often struggle to cleanly separate desire from arousal [36].

In fact, a woman's sexual response cycle might genuinely be more circular than linear or staged [37].

You Might Be Asexual

Worth mentioning: asexuality. Someone who's asexual may never experience what's considered a "typical" libido at all. Up to 5.5% of the population identifies as asexual [38].

This could tie to some of the medical factors covered above, but plenty of asexual people feel no distress over their lack of sexual desire whatsoever. Some professionals even debate whether asexuality should be classified as a low-desire dysfunction at all [39].

Asexual people can still experience romantic attraction, pursue romantic relationships, and some do masturbate. Some also engage in sexual activity to support relationships or please partners [40].

Learn more about asexuality and how to tell if you're asexual.

Could You Be Gay?

Most Love Curi readers are straight women. But sometimes struggling to get in the mood might actually reflect a lack of attraction to your specific male partner, or men generally, rather than low libido overall. You might genuinely be drawn to women instead.

Figuring out your own sexuality, and what to do with that realization, is entirely your journey. But embracing your real orientation tends to help people live authentically, feel happier, and experience healthier desire overall.

Worth noting: straight women respond to both female and male performers in porn [41], so this particular signal isn't necessarily conclusive.

What The Science Says

One study into sexual desire found:

We found nominally significant main effects on sexual desire for three ESR2 -linked SNPs when controlled for anxiety, suggesting that individuals homozygous for the G allele of the rs1271572 SNP, and the A allele of the rs4986938 and rs928554 SNPs had lower levels of sexual desire.

Translated for non-scientists: variations in a woman's estrogen receptor genetics can directly shape sexual desire. Some women simply have naturally lower drives because of this genetic variation [42].

Researchers have also explored a "female Viagra." Since Viagra boosts penile blood flow, scientists tested similar approaches for women. Progress there's been limited, but they stumbled onto an interesting side effect: increased arousal among some women taking Wellbutrin, a depression medication [43] [44].

Given the wider mental-versus-physical arousal gap women often experience, boosting female libido might genuinely rely more on brain-targeting drugs like Wellbutrin than blood-flow medications.

One drug, Flibanserin, has been approved specifically for low female libido. Like Wellbutrin, it was originally designed (and failed) as a depression treatment [45]. It carries plenty of side effects, especially combined with hormonal birth control or alcohol, and doesn't work universally.

Resources

• Curious about the interplay between relationships, masturbation, sex frequency, and satisfaction? This post by David J Ley Ph.D. offers real insight, including gender differences.
• Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski explains female sex drive mechanics in depth, responsive desire and the dual-control model included. Nagoski's central point: your libido likely isn't low or broken, just misunderstood.
• Read Dr. Nagoski's op-ed in the New York Times for a solid introduction to these ideas.
• Sexology International separates desire from the broader response cycle and details Basson's model of sexual motivation.
• Dr. Nagoski also argues why treating low desire in women with responsive arousal patterns might be the wrong framing entirely.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I've always had a low sex drive, is that normal?

A: Genuinely, yes, this can be completely normal. As Dr. Holland puts it, "Libido is not a static thing and can go up and down throughout life." Natural variation is real, and some people simply run lower than others by default. Men on average report higher drives than women [46], though not universally. For all the reasons covered here, your personal baseline might read as "low" against others while still being entirely typical for you.

As covered above, you might have responsive desire rather than genuinely low desire.

Occasionally, reduced libido does trace back to another medical or mental health condition, covered in point 4 above.

Q: Why do I want to masturbate but feel no desire for partnered sex?

A: The urge to masturbate and the urge for partnered sex aren't identical drives. Masturbation often centers on physical release, stress relief, or orgasm alone, while partnered sex involves connection with another person entirely. Masturbation may only require arousal, not full sexual desire, and skips the pressure of looking or smelling a certain way, requiring far less prep overall.

Being in an active sexual relationship doesn't eliminate the urge to masturbate for anyone [47] (though intimacy-starved marriages may see increased masturbation [48]). Sex frequency doesn't directly track with masturbation frequency, and sexually satisfied women may actually masturbate more [49]! For plenty of people, the two genuinely complement each other.

Even some asexual people masturbate despite having no urge for partnered sex at all [51]. Masturbation isn't a substitute for sex, it's simply its own thing entirely.

Q: What happens to my desire during menopause?

A: Menopause ranks among the major life shifts affecting sex drive (alongside puberty, illness or injury, and relationship changes). The reasoning's largely biological. Once your body determines a menstrual cycle's no longer necessary, it winds down production, estrogen included [52].

Dr. Holland explains further: "The decrease of estrogen in the body can affect the sensory organs, production of pheromones, the elasticity and thickness of skin, muscle mass and vaginal lubrication," all of which ripple into libido.

Related: What You Need to Know About Sex After Menopause

Estrogen supplements can help restore some desire [53], and personal lubricant makes sex noticeably more comfortable during this stage.

Unfortunately, there's rarely a quick fix here, long-term effort may be needed to address what built up over years. The good news: understanding of female libido keeps expanding, and more professionals are equipped to help patients find lasting solutions to low desire.

January 4, 2021