Long Distance Relationship Tips to Help You Close the Gap

Brief periods apart can actually keep a relationship exciting, which is why people say "absence makes the heart grow fonder." But when you're facing months or even years of living far from your partner, that saying gets a lot harder to believe, doesn't it? At that point you're essentially leading separate lives, and that doesn't foster much closeness.

Long distance relationships can wear on both people involved. So does that mean it's hopeless and not worth attempting? Not at all. If the connection with this person isn't strong, moving on might be the smarter path. But if he matters to you and you can both picture a shared future, it's worth the effort. With the right mindset and some helpful tools, you can make it work — and possibly come out with an even stronger bond.

How to Carve Out More Time Together

When you and your boyfriend live in different places, shared experiences become scarce. You each fill your time separately. It can get progressively harder to prioritize each other as other responsibilities crowd in. And when the longing to see him builds up over a long stretch apart, you might find yourself drawn toward someone nearby instead. The solution is to think outside the box and find fresh ways to remain connected.

Let's go over some approaches that can help.

Lean on Technology

Fortunately, today's communication options far outnumber what previous generations had, which makes managing a long distance relationship easier. Technology can genuinely strengthen both intimacy and communication between partners. Because couples apart rely on tech-mediated exchanges rather than face-to-face ones, they tend to zero in on what matters most and open up more. Texting and mobile communication push people toward sharing more and adopting "uncertainty-reducing strategies," which can boost how good both partners feel about the relationship — though it can also produce heightened, sometimes overly idealized impressions of each other [1].

Here are a few different tech options to try:

• Live Video Calls: Skype or FaceTime let you see each other's expressions, hear each other's voices, and pick up more communication context. You can chat, introduce friends, show off pieces of your daily life, and even have video sex if that appeals to you (yes, video sex can genuinely serve as a stand-in for the real thing). You could even play games together on Skype — great for couples who connect visually.
• Phone Calls: The classic option of just talking on the phone keeps you connected too. Hearing each other's voices helps you stay focused on the conversation itself. Phone sex might feel less awkward than video sex if you'd rather skip the visual during long-distance intimacy. And if he doesn't pick up, leave a sweet or flirtatious voicemail.
• Texting: Shoot each other messages throughout the day to check in and swap updates. Sexting is an option here too. Texting works well for staying in touch while out and about, or for leaving notes when your partner is tied up.
• Private Messaging Apps: Something like Snapchat lets you communicate without worrying about anyone else seeing it. If phone sex, video sex, or sexting feels intimidating, disappearing photos and videos might feel like a gentler starting point.
• Longer Written Messages: Emails or Facebook messages work well when you've got a lot to unpack. They let you catch each other up on all the small details of daily life.
• Social Media Connection: Follow each other on Instagram, Facebook, and similar platforms so you can see what the other is posting — another simple way to stay linked.

Use these tools both spontaneously and on a schedule, carving out blocks of time when you can give each other undivided attention. Consider setting a standing weekly "date night" where nothing else gets planned. Whenever you're talking, make sure you're both fully present and free of distractions [2].

Try Old-Fashioned Mail

Modern communication tools are great, but handwritten letters still hold real value. There's something deeply romantic about pouring your feelings into a love letter, and something delightful about finding a surprise envelope in your mailbox. Sprinkle physical mail in among your other communication methods now and then. Sending letters can be a way to build non-physical intimacy — researchers found this to be a skill that partners develop over the course of a long relationship [3].

Arrange Surprises

Send unexpected gifts or care packages that will make your partner grin and feel cared for. You might also enlist his roommates, friends, or nearby relatives to help pull off something special — like decorating his room for his birthday on your behalf. Showing up unannounced usually isn't wise since it could throw off his routine, but you can plan an actual visit and build in a surprise activity once you're there [4].

Share Experiences "Together" Remotely

Set up dates where you're both doing the same thing simultaneously while connected by phone or video. Watch a movie in sync, spend time outdoors while on a call, read aloud to one another, listen to music together, eat matching meals, or dream up some other shared activity [5].

Be Each Other's Support System

A major perk of being in any relationship is having someone in your corner. Even from a distance, you can offer emotional support and remind your partner you're facing things as a team [6]. Open up about your struggles with your boyfriend, and let him do the same with you.

Prioritize In-Person Time

Beyond FaceTime, actual face-to-face time matters too. Make visits a priority so you cross paths regularly. Given the distance, expect plenty of chemistry whenever you do reunite! Take turns visiting each other's homes, and consider planning trips somewhere new together.

Meet up whenever schedules align, and also build in visits around holidays and milestones like anniversaries. In-person time also helps keep your image of each other grounded in reality instead of drifting into an idealized fantasy [7].

Setting Relationship Rules and Boundaries

Anyone in a relationship benefits from agreeing on ground rules and staying communicative — otherwise you might discover the hard way that you and your partner define "cheating" completely differently. In a long distance setup, this groundwork matters even more.

Early on, hash out the rules and boundaries that will govern your relationship. Confirm you're both genuinely committed to sticking together. Collaborate on what's acceptable and what isn't. Will you be exclusive, or is this more of an open relationship? What exactly counts as cheating in your book? Does spending time with someone of the opposite sex count? Does emotionless sex count? Nail down shared definitions [8].

It's also healthy for each of you to maintain your own friendships and hobbies. Just be transparent about them and make sure you're both comfortable with it, as long as no rules get crossed. If that's not the case, trust issues could creep into the relationship — and trust is a cornerstone of making long distance work [9].

Does Distance Increase the Odds of Cheating?

Research found college students were somewhat less likely to physically cheat on a partner living 200+ miles away, but notably more likely to cheat when the partner was somewhere between 11 and 200 miles off. The researcher speculated that people in that in-between range might not commit as fully or work as hard at the relationship as those who moved much farther away [10].

Guarding Against Infidelity

A relationship like this needs a foundation of trust and genuine commitment. You can also sidestep situations that tend to invite trouble — for instance, avoid drinking one-on-one with someone you find attractive. The same standard should apply to your partner [11].

Communicating Across the Distance

Couples living apart have to adjust to communicating without always seeing facial expressions or body language, or sometimes without hearing tone of voice at all. Text and email are notorious for getting misread when that extra context is missing. In a long distance relationship, you can sharpen your communication by getting better at picking up on context clues, learning your boyfriend's particular communication style, and discovering other ways to connect [12].

Couples navigating distance need to be candid and open about their wants, needs, fears, and emotions. Both partners have to commit to communicating clearly and genuinely listening to each other.

Helpful Resources

If you're feeling pulled toward cheating, here's guidance on resisting that urge.

Here's practical advice drawn from couples who've successfully navigated long distance.

FAQs:

Faq #1: Is my relationship built to handle long distance?

Not every couple, or every individual, is cut out for distance. People's relationship needs vary widely. Some crave daily interaction, constant physical contact, and the comfort of simply being around each other. Some need in-person conversation, and plenty of people struggle to go long stretches without physical closeness. Others simply can't resist temptation when their partner is far away and someone else is right there. Consider honestly whether your relationship can withstand the gap and whether you're both genuinely committed to making it work.

Also worth noting: not every relationship deserves the effort of holding on. Maybe you're clinging to something even though you've each grown in different directions. If you sense you don't have much in common anymore, or that the long-term odds aren't good, it might be healthier to end things and move forward rather than staying anchored to the past.

Interestingly, people tend to feel happier about their relationship when they hold optimistic beliefs about it and expect to eventually live in the same place [13]. On top of that, one study found that individual and relationship traits predicted overall relationship quality more strongly than the actual distance did [14].

Faq #2: Are long distance couples actually worse off?

It might surprise you, but long distance relationships can sometimes outperform ones where partners see each other all the time. One study found long distance couples reported stronger relationship quality — measured through dedication and stability — than couples who saw each other in person more often. Those in-person couples even reported feeling more trapped, suggesting that distance can bring more freedom and flexibility [15].

Faq #3: Are we bound to break up eventually?

Conventional wisdom says long distance relationships are doomed from the start. Is that actually accurate? One study found no proof that these relationships end more often. Granted, it only tracked a three-month window among college students, but it's still an encouraging data point [16].

Oddly enough, plenty of relationships actually fall apart once the couple closes the distance and moves nearby. It seems some people adjust to — and even come to prefer — being apart. About a third of reunited couples who move close together end the relationship within three months [17]. Still, partners can improve their odds by resetting expectations and establishing new ground rules once they're together.

Once again, communication and matched expectations seem to be the deciding factors. So while some couples genuinely thrive on distance and struggle once it's gone, others are only built for a temporary separation [18].

Faq #4: Can things stay strong without seeing each other in person?

There are genuine downsides to being apart that can weaken a relationship. Partners might not truly get to know each other, might build unrealistic pictures of one another, and might feel isolated or down much of the time. Full communication, connection, and intimacy are harder to achieve without physical togetherness. Still, these relationships can thrive with a hopeful attitude and solid communication [19].

So it turns out long distance relationships can hold their own — and in some respects even surpass — in-person ones! But they remain demanding, particularly over long stretches. What matters most is dedication and effort. Bring both of those, along with the right tools and strategies, and yours can succeed too.

January 30, 2021