Open Relationships Explained: Rules, How-To, Pros, Cons & FAQ

Most people are familiar with monogamy and stick to it, but plenty of others prefer open relationships instead. If you've ever wondered why people choose this path, how it actually works, or how to bring it up with your partner, buckle up, because you're about to learn all of that and more.

• What scientific research has discovered about open relationships
• The pros & cons of open relationships
• The different types of open relationships
• How to have a successful open relationship
• Do open relationships actually last?
• Why open relationships don't work
• Open relationship FAQs

What Is An Open Relationship?

First, let's define our terms. What exactly counts as an open relationship? No need to guess, since researchers have already landed on a solid definition:

Open relationships are those in which individuals agree to participate in sexual and/or emotional and romantic interactions with more than one partner [1].

That's a pretty solid definition, and it answers a question people ask a lot:

Is an open relationship a form of cheating?

If cheating means breaking someone's trust, then an open marriage or relationship can't really be cheating, since everyone involved has agreed to the arrangement and its rules. In short, they've consented.

Without that agreement, though, sleeping around or dating outside a relationship is cheating, plain and simple, and by most definitions, that means it isn't an open relationship at all.

That's the same reasoning behind why cuckolding or cuckqueaning isn't cheating: your partner actually wants to feel humiliated, emasculated, or otherwise "threatened" by you being with someone else.

Since your own specific agreements form the foundation of your open relationship, there's no single answer to the question "How do open relationships actually work?" Still, scientists have been digging into it…

What Scientific Research Has Discovered About Open Relationships

Existing studies on open relationships offer some genuinely interesting insights. Consider the following findings.

How Common Are Open Relationships?

Are open relationships more widespread than you'd expect?

One study surveying 2,003 Canadian adults found 2.4% of all participants, and 4.0% of those currently partnered, reported being in an open relationship at the time [1]. A similarly large U.S. study turned up remarkably similar numbers [2].

What's more, a fifth of participants in the Canadian study had been in an open relationship at some earlier point, and 12% said it represented their ideal relationship style. Men reported being in, and wanting, open relationships more often than women, and younger people more than older ones [1].

For context, about 13% of people across the US and Canada are left-handed. That helps put these numbers in perspective!

How Do Open Relationships Impact Happiness?

Open relationships come with their own unique challenges, which might lead you to assume the people in them are less happy than monogamous couples. That assumption doesn't hold up, though.

Open relationships & happiness – The Canadian study mentioned above found no happiness gap between people in open relationships and those who were monogamous. What actually mattered more was whether someone's current relationship matched their ideal style. Additional research suggests that "consensual non-monogamists have similar psychological well-being and relationship quality as monogamists." [3].

Further research on open relationships & happiness – A related study found that people practicing consensual nonmonogamy, open relationships included, were "in general significantly happier, healthier, had more frequent sex with more partners than their counterparts in the general U.S. population sample." That said, people in open relationships with only one or zero sex partners reported lower happiness than the general public, while those living the relationship style they actually wanted reported greater marital happiness than their peers in the wider population [4].

Open relationships v polyamory/swinging – Research comparing different flavors of open relationships suggests that "people in polyamorous or swinger-style relationships have higher levels of relationship satisfaction and other relational outcomes (e.g., passionate love, trust) than those in open relationships," while "people in open relationships consistently fared more poorly in their relational outcomes than those in other types of CNM relationships," such as polyamorous or swinger styles. [5]

That said, the same study found these outcomes converged once factors like communication style, motivations for opening the relationship, pro-monogamous beliefs, and contact between a partner's various loves were controlled for [5]. As with any relationship, how you approach it seems to matter more than the label itself.

Learn: Swinging for beginners: how to explore the swinger lifestyle.

What Else Do People Like if They're Drawn to Open Relationships?

People open to alternative relationship structures often gravitate toward other unconventional sexual, romantic, or relationship styles too. Studies back this up. Specifically, multiple studies find overlap between people interested in non-monogamy and kink.

For instance, in an international survey of 1,580 kink-identified women, 39.9% reported being in a poly or open relationship, more than any other relationship style [6].

That's not to say everyone in an open relationship is kinky, but there's genuine overlap. In fact, kinksters may be more likely to gravitate toward polyamory than the reverse [7], possibly because having multiple partners helps address mismatches in sexual needs, interests, or libido [8, 9, 10]. The tendency for people in these relationships to view primary partners as more nurturing and secondary partners as more exotic supports this idea [11].

Open Relationship Pros and Cons

Like any relationship structure, open relationships bring their own upsides and downsides.

Benefits of an Open Relationship

You get as much sex as you want – We've already touched on how open relationships can help when there's a mismatch in sexual desire or libido (which can otherwise lead to a dead bedroom). Some people also struggle when a partner physically can't perform, leaving them without the sexual satisfaction they crave. You don't have to stay miserable, break up, or cheat if you can explore that with someone else, openly, with your partner's blessing.

Related: Why Women Cheat

There are other benefits worth mentioning, too.

A larger support network – Depending on your specific rules, you might build deep, intimate bonds with several people, something most people never get to experience. That gives you a wider support network instead of relying on a single partner for every emotional, sexual, and other need.

You'll feel less clingy – This can ease pressure within your relationship and give you breathing room if your partner has other partners too. A healthy open relationship can actually reduce clinginess, since you trust your needs will consistently be met.

Open relationships demand excellent communication, which can be tricky, but you may find those skills sharpening and spilling over into other parts of your life.

Juggling multiple partners and schedules can also sharpen your organizational skills considerably.

Be your true self – As the research suggests, people who want an open relationship but can't have one tend to feel frustrated. Opening things up may let you feel happier than forcing yourself into a box that doesn't fit, monogamy, when it's not right for you. Expressing every part of yourself clearly beats the alternative, and open relationships may help you explore yourself and become more fully realized [7].

Risks of Opening Your Relationship

People will judge you – One major downside of an open marriage is stigma. Since plenty of people view this style as inferior to monogamy, or even immoral, those in open relationships often face real negative judgment. They also have to decide whether and how to disclose their relationship structure, which can clash with a partner's own disclosure preferences. Imagine never bringing a plus-one to events because that partner isn't part of the picture.

Hiding your open relationship status is stressful – Those who choose not to disclose typically worry about being outed and the personal or professional fallout that could follow. Even successfully keeping this part of your life private takes a toll on mental health simply from living with that fear.

Being forced to hide parts of your life, relationships, or identity creates other challenges too. Imagine not being able to talk to your best friend about your relationship at all, no gushing while falling for someone, no venting when frustrated, no celebrating milestones. The world would never really see the real you.

Congratulations, you now have even more commitments – Open relationships obviously mean juggling a more complicated schedule. If managing one family already feels like a lot, imagine folding in another partner or family entirely. Making sure every partner gets enough of your time becomes a real hurdle.

On top of that come the usual communication struggles and jealousy issues. None of this is impossible to work through if you and your partner are genuinely aligned on the open relationship. But you both need real honesty, with yourselves and each other, for it to have a fighting chance.

Finally, you'll need to stay diligent about using condoms (and possibly dental dams), getting tested regularly for STIs, and generally practicing safer sex.

Different Types of Open Relationships

"Open relationship" can refer narrowly to a setup where both partners are free to have sex outside their primary, higher-priority relationship. These outside partners sometimes go by the term metamours.

It can also function as a broader umbrella term overlapping with nonmonogamy generally, in which case other arrangements count as "open," too.

• Shared partners: A couple brings a third person into the bedroom together. Threesomes and even orgies fit under this definition of open.
• Swinging: Committed couples swap partners with one another, a distinct type of open relationship.
• Polyamory: Openly maintaining multiple sexual or romantic relationships. Some people have a primary partner, others don't. Polyfidelity resembles this but isn't technically "open," since more than two people form a closed, equal unit.
• Cuckoldry: One partner (typically male) allows the other (typically female) to sleep with other people (usually men), whether watching, listening, joining in, or simply knowing it's happening.

How to Have a Successful Open Relationship

If you've made it this far, you're probably aware of the pitfalls open relationships can bring. Diving in without care and thought risks hurting your partners and ending up single. Even rock-solid relationships can implode when opened up carelessly. And relationships already dealing with issues face an even steeper climb trying to open up successfully.

Know Why You Want to Open Your Relationship

Some people mistakenly believe an open relationship can patch up existing problems, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

Opening a relationship won't fix it!

Address trust, jealousy, and communication issues before opening things up, because everything gets more complicated once you do. Existing problems can spiral even further once an open marriage is on the table.

Unless your specific problems can genuinely be solved by adding other partners, and both of you are actually on board, opening the relationship isn't a smart move.

Warning – That means an open relationship isn't a convenient loophole for sleeping with someone specific. Beyond the dishonesty of suggesting it because you already have someone in mind, you'll need to agree together on who's fair game (one of the foundational rules of any open relationship).

If you're no longer emotionally invested in your partner or relationship, ending it outright is more honest than requesting an open arrangement.

Talk About It First

We really can't overstate how important it is to discuss an open relationship before acting on anything. Seriously.

It's not an open relationship if you haven't talked it through with your partner.

Without that conversation, it's just plain cheating.

Make no mistake, this is a delicate conversation, or series of conversations. Our guide to sexual communication offers useful tools for approaching it wisely.

When you bring it up, explain your reasoning, maybe touching on some of the benefits mentioned earlier. Reassure your partner this isn't a reflection of how you feel about them. Let them know you remain committed, that your relationship still comes first, and that you'll only pursue what everyone's genuinely comfortable with (similar to agreeing on limits in BDSM contracts).

No tricks – Both of you need to be fully on board with opening things up. There's no room for coercion here. If you genuinely need this, be upfront about it from the start and establish clear sexual and emotional boundaries. If the need develops gradually, stay open and honest about it as it evolves. Avoid framing it like an ultimatum.

Give your partner time to sit with the idea if they need it. Only move forward once you're both genuinely comfortable (otherwise, you might simply work the fantasy into your sexual role play, dirty talk, or fantasies instead).

Set Up Your Open Relationship Rules

Without clear rules, an open relationship will struggle badly. Even with rules in place, success still isn't guaranteed. Organization and jealousy are just two of many hurdles you'll encounter, which we'll cover shortly. For now, think through what you want and which rules would make this arrangement most comfortable for you.

• Who's off-limits to date or sleep with? Exes, old crushes, and close friends might be off the table entirely. Or you might prefer strangers only, to avoid emotional entanglement.
• How do you disclose your relationship status to potential new partners? You'll need to be upfront not just with your primary partner but with anyone you might date or sleep with, letting them know you're in an open relationship. Not everyone's comfortable with that. Consider stating it directly in your dating profile.
• Where can you see your metamours? Bringing someone home while your partner's watching the kids probably isn't ideal. Even alone at home, your partner might not love the idea of someone else in your shared bed. Some couples let each other veto potential metamours.
• Can you sleep over? Sleeping over hints at more than just sex, which brings us to the next question.
• Are ongoing relationships allowed? Casual sex or one-night stands might suit you best if you're only opening things up for sexual exploration rather than romance. If repeat encounters are fine, how emotionally involved can things get? You might end things before feelings deepen, or plan for how you'd tell your partner if genuine feelings develop for a metamour, while still keeping your primary relationship first.
• What will you call your partners? This covers labels, pet names, and how you refer to each other around others. Be careful here if you're trying to keep your relationship status private.
• How much do you want to know about your partner's other partners? Some people prefer minimal detail. Others find that knowing more actually reduces insecurity and the anxiety of imagining the worst. You might only want details on more serious partners.
• Which activities are off-limits? If you've agreed only to sexual, not romantic, connections outside your relationship, you might reserve things like kissing or cuddling exclusively for your primary partner.
• How will you protect against pregnancy and STIs? Condoms, gloves, and dental dams help guard against some STIs, but you'll also want a testing schedule and a plan for disclosing status to partners. Hormonal or barrier birth control may be necessary too.
• How often is it okay to see other partners? The answer might be "as often as possible without sacrificing other relationships," or you might schedule a weekly date with a metamour. This is one rule likely to shift as circumstances change.
• How many partners can you have? For some, scheduling constraints (yours, your partner's, your metamour's) naturally answer this. Others prefer capping the number to guarantee enough time together.
• When will you check in? Some prefer scheduled conversations to gauge how things are going. Others only check in as concerns arise. How you raise concerns matters, especially if your partner hasn't flagged any issues themselves.
• What happens if you're unhappy with the arrangement? Open relationships don't always work out. Sometimes they're simply not the right fit. Other times you might temporarily close things to work through issues or free up more time.

While most of these rules apply to your primary relationship, each additional relationship might carry its own set of rules. Every partner involved has real feelings, and you owe it to all of them to stay respectful and avoid causing unnecessary hurt.

Talk About It

Conversation doesn't stop once you've agreed to open your relationship. Regular check-ins matter, covering both what's working and what needs adjusting. These talks reaffirm your bond, soothe insecurities, and help you work through jealousy. Yes, jealousy.

People in open relationships aren't immune to jealousy.

Or any other negative emotion. They simply understand that the real key to making it work is never denying those feelings. They talk about them openly, sometimes with a professional who understands and doesn't pass judgment on the dynamic.

Related: How to Deal with Jealousy

Talking about it just makes sense, honestly. How could an open relationship function without communication? For that matter, how could any relationship work without talking to your partner?

Do Open Relationships Last?

This question gets tricky, since some open relationships genuinely fail. But even if the "open" portion of your relationship ends, the whole relationship doesn't necessarily have to. You always have the option to close things back up and return to monogamy.

You can reopen the relationship down the line too, whenever you feel ready. Some couples temporarily close things during especially busy or difficult stretches, or while working through relationship issues.

Being able to open and close a relationship might explain why primary relationships tend to outlast secondary ones. One study on open relationships found primary relationships lasted an average of 8 years and 4 months, compared to just 2 years and 4 months for secondary relationships [12]).

Of course, opening your relationship might still lead to its end, with no path back, even after closing it again. Remember that a relationship can be healthy and fulfilling even if it doesn't last forever. Few relationships genuinely make it to "death do us part."

Still, understanding why open relationships fail can help you sidestep common traps and boost your own odds of success.

Why Open Relationships Don't Work

Open relationships fail for all the usual reasons monogamous ones do, plus a few extra. Steering clear of these issues matters if you want yours to succeed.

• Both partners aren't genuinely on board. If one partner pressures the other into opening up, say, by threatening to leave, it's unlikely to succeed. The same goes if someone convinces themselves they're fine with it when they're really not. It's also entirely possible to find the idea intriguing in theory but dislike it in practice. And if one partner wants to close things back up while the other disagrees, expect real friction.
• There are no rules. An open relationship isn't a free-for-all. It has structure, just not monogamy. Set ground rules and sexual boundaries, and revisit them as needed. These rules should typically apply fairly to both partners. If one wants outside partners, the other should get the same option, unless they're genuinely happy watching their partner explore without reciprocating.
• You break the rules. Breaking your own open relationship rules amounts to cheating, plain and simple. If you've agreed to swinging together, sleeping with people solo violates that trust. Some relationships survive infidelity, but it's genuinely hard, and breaking your rules can wound multiple partners at once.
• Communication is poor or lacking. Communication anchors every relationship, and open ones are no exception. Talk before, during, and after about your wants and feelings, jealousy included, rather than denying it.
• Needs go unmet. Every relationship only survives as long as its people feel their needs are being met. Feeling secure and getting enough shared time both matter, and both get harder once you open things up. Poor organizational skills can cause just as many problems as jealousy. We're all human and bound to slip up, but staying a caring, generous partner and using every tool available helps keep your partner(s) genuinely happy.

For some, an open relationship is deeply fulfilling and supports growth, both individually and as a couple, especially when the rules are respected. But these relationships can crumble if both partners aren't aligned. You both have to want it and put in real effort to navigate hurdles like jealousy. If you can't commit to that, it's worth reconsidering whether opening up is really the right move.

Frequently Asked Questions About Open Relationships

FAQ #1 – Do open relationships actually work?

They can, as long as you're honest (with yourself and your partner), you set and follow ground rules, and you stay flexible as circumstances shift down the road.

FAQ #2 – How do you ask for an open relationship?

• Bring it up when you're both in a neutral-to-good mood with time to talk, not mid-argument.
• Stay respectful throughout, even if your partner reacts emotionally or negatively. Let them end the conversation if they need to.
• Rather than simply saying you want to sleep with other people, frame it as wanting to explore a different relationship style.
• Explain your reasoning if your partner wants to understand it.
• Reassure them with genuine praise for them and your relationship.
• Be specific about what you want without relying on confusing labels.
• Take your time. You don't need an answer immediately, and rushing serves no one.
• Set ground rules so you're both comfortable, covering both sexual and emotional boundaries you both agree to.
• Let your partner "go first" by having them sleep with someone else before you do.

FAQ #3 – What do I do if my partner wants an open relationship?

As long as they're approaching it openly, honestly, and respectfully, try to genuinely hear them out. Ask about their motivations, what the arrangement would actually look like, and what ground rules they envision. Give the idea a real chance, even if that means taking your time and doing some research first.

If you're against it, say so honestly. Share any reservations even while staying open to the conversation. Trust your instincts. Never do anything you're not genuinely comfortable with. Anyone who disregards your sexual boundaries doesn't deserve a place in your life.

Walking away from a relationship beats staying with a partner who isn't respectful or tries pressuring you into things you don't want.

FAQ #4 – How do you deal with jealousy in an open relationship?

Wanting an open relationship doesn't make you immune to occasional jealousy. To stop it from becoming an insurmountable obstacle, you need to face it head-on. Admit to yourself when you're jealous, and talk to your partner about it.

Figure out the root cause. Are you afraid your partner will leave for someone "better"? Maybe you're not getting enough time together, or you feel you should be everything for them. You might feel jealous simply because you can't find a metamour of your own, or as many as your partner has.

Adjusting your ground rules can resolve some jealousy. Your partner can reaffirm their feelings for you and the relationship. Temporarily closing things is always an option too.

That said, you might need to work on your own self-esteem or confidence if the root cause is feeling inadequate. Therapy is worth considering here, especially if you unhealthily believe you should provide your partner with everything they need. Even monogamous couples don't operate that way, we all lean on friends and family for different needs. Open relationships simply give you more people to help meet those needs.

Now What?

Opening up a relationship is far from a simple decision. It means carefully weighing the pros and cons of adding partners, talking things through with your partner, and figuring out what genuinely works for both of you. Good luck on your journey!

April 18, 2022