Dead Bedrooms: What 984 People Say Causes Them & How To Fix It

Early in a relationship, infatuation, sexual chemistry, and sheer excitement tend to keep the spark alive. But time changes everything, and no one escapes that entirely: kids arrive, parents get sick, jobs disappear, hormones shift.

Change is simply part of life — so is it really surprising that sexual desire between partners can drift out of sync at some point?

Even with 50 years of progress in birth control and STI prevention making sex safer and simpler than ever, there's still no magic fix for mismatched libidos.

To understand how often this comes between American and British couples — and what they do about it — we surveyed nearly 1,000 people in relationships. Here's what we found about how libido mismatches shaped their love lives.

Nearly 9 In 10 Couples Aren't Fully Satisfied With Their Sex Lives

If you and your partner are completely happy with how often you have sex, consider yourselves genuinely lucky. Our data shows that nearly 9 in 10 couples (88%) weren't fully satisfied with their sexual frequency.

Only 12% of respondents said both partners were satisfied. Three times as many — 36% — reported a mismatch, with only one partner content with how often they were having sex.

More than half the people we surveyed said they and their partner both wanted more sex. Between kids, careers, and social obligations, carving out time for sex isn't always easy. The encouraging news, according to some experts, is that the fix might be as simple as coordinating schedules to make room for sex.

It's worth resisting the idea that a happy relationship depends on frequent sex. Research has found that having sex more than once a week doesn't actually boost relationship happiness — yet our respondents still wanted more. Ideal sex frequency looked fairly similar across genders. Straight men wanted sex about 3.3 times a week on average, versus 2.1 times for straight women.

The Libido Gap Widens As Relationships Age

During the first year or two — often called the "honeymoon phase" — couples typically can't get enough of each other. That fades eventually, though the timing differs for each partner. Our data found sex drive gaps emerging years, sometimes decades, into a relationship.

We asked participants to rate their own sex drive from 1 (lowest) to 100 (highest), then rate their partner's. On average, couples' ratings differed by about 25 points — a meaningful gap in most relationships.

We defined a "large" gap as a difference of 50 points or more, and the odds of hitting that threshold climbed with every added year together. Just 13% of new relationships showed a large libido gap, but by the 30-year mark, that number nearly doubled to 25%.

This widening gap held true even after controlling for age — meaning a 30-year-old ten years into a relationship was more likely to face a large gap than a 40-year-old in a brand-new one.

Given how common mismatched libidos are, most couples will run into this at some point. So how do people with the higher drive typically cope with unmet desire?

1 In 20 Cheated Because Their Partner Turned Them Down

The most common coping strategies turned out to be the simplest — many people just took matters into their own hands, literally. Half of the women we surveyed, and nearly 3 in 4 men, masturbated when their partner wasn't in the mood.

Nearly half of men and almost 1 in 5 women used porn to get themselves off when their partner passed. Another 23% of women and 8% of men reached for a sex toy instead.

Others coped through fantasy: roughly 1 in 4 men and 1 in 5 women imagined sex with someone other than their partner. A smaller share — 8% of men and 3% of women — turned that fantasy into reality and actually cheated.

That extreme a response is unlikely to follow just one rejection, of course. So how long would a dry spell need to stretch before the average person started looking elsewhere?

It Takes About A Year Without Sex Before Partners Issue An Ultimatum

Sex naturally takes a back seat sometimes, especially after major life events like a new baby or a health scare. But everyone we asked had a different line for what felt "normal" during a dry spell.

85% of people in relationships said they'd wait two months without sex before making more of an effort to initiate. On average, they tried that subtler approach for about a month before actually bringing up the lack of sex directly with their partner.

Nearly 80% said they'd eventually talk to their partner directly about it, though the average wait before doing so stretched to three months. Open conversations about sex remain tricky even for experienced couples, but the payoff can be worth the discomfort — talking about frequency often opens the door to other topics too, like turn-ons, turnoffs, and desires never voiced before.

More than 1 in 4 respondents said they'd eventually issue an ultimatum in a sexless relationship, typically after nearly a year without sex. Another 32% said they'd actually follow through and end things, on average after about 1.5 years without sex.

Some considered less conventional paths too: 1 in 5 said they'd consider an open relationship if their partner lost interest in sex entirely — coincidentally, the same share of Americans who report having tried a nonmonogamous relationship at some point.

Men Were Nearly Twice As Likely To Say Men Owe Sex To A Higher-Drive Partner

When libidos don't match, it's easy for the lower-drive partner to feel guilty, and for the higher-drive partner to feel repeatedly rejected. That tension raises a real question: should sexual satisfaction ever feel like an obligation between partners?

Sex, of course, always requires mutual consent, willingness, and enthusiasm from everyone involved. Still, roughly 10% of women said that in a straight relationship, the lower-drive partner should regularly try to get in the mood for their partner's sake.

Men answered a bit differently. Asked whether a lower-drive woman should get in the mood for her male partner, 11% of men said yes — nearly identical to the share of women who agreed. But men were almost three times as likely to place that expectation on themselves: 31% of men said that if the man in a straight relationship has the lower drive, he should still get in the mood to satisfy his partner.

Sex is a powerful way to connect, but it's not the only one. If sex starts to feel driven purely by obligation, it might be worth stepping back. In fact, leaning into conversation, cuddling, and shared fun can help rebuild connection and desire without the pressure of physical intimacy.

In Summary

With so many people unsatisfied with how often they're having sex, and libido gaps only growing more likely over time, couples would do well to figure out what level of sexual satisfaction actually matters to them — and talk about it openly.

Mismatched libidos are completely normal, and bodies never stop changing. Honest communication with your partner can smooth over most of the friction these situations create. When expectations are out in the open and both partners agree on how to handle dry spells, a relationship can weather almost any sexual drought.

Methodology

We surveyed 984 Americans and Brits in relationships during December 2019, recruited through an independent academic research platform (491 Americans, 493 Brits). Participants ranged from 23 to 73 years old, with a median age of 43. We asked about sex-drive differences experienced in past and current relationships, and how participants handled mismatched libidos. Men and women were equally represented in the sample. Twenty percent identified as gay or bisexual, with the rest in heterosexual relationships. To reduce bias, participants weren't told the survey was run for Lovecuri.com, nor given the full topic upfront — it was described simply as being about "your current sex life and sex drive." Results carry a maximum sampling error of 3%.

Limitations

This study relied on self-reported data, meaning some responses may reflect exaggeration, minimization, or imprecise recall. Results were neither weighted nor statistically tested.

Fair Use Statement

Feel free to share our research on mismatched libidos for noncommercial purposes — just link back to this page so we're credited, and readers can see the full findings.

October 26, 2020