14 Essential Steps To Prepare For Amazing Anal Sex

Once you know how to prepare for anal sex the right way, pain, discomfort, and mess become non-issues.

Instead, you open the door to deeply satisfying, full-body anal orgasms rather than…

• Burning pain.
• Feeling angry or resentful toward your man.
• Fecal matter.

While this particular article walks through everything you should handle solo to prepare for anal sex BEFORE your man is involved, you might also be curious what to do the first time you actually try it together.

That's exactly what this Anal Sex Guide covers: the tips, techniques, positions, and advice both of you should use during anal sex so it's enjoyable and satisfying for everyone involved.

In short:

• This article focuses on what you should do beforehand to get your body ready for clean, pain-free, satisfying anal sex.
• The Anal Sex Guide is the companion piece covering positions and techniques for the actual first-time experience with your man.

1. Feeling Nervous Is Completely Normal

It's entirely natural to feel a bit nervous, or even worried, about trying anal sex for the first time — especially given all the horror stories floating around online. When anal sex hurts, it's usually because something was done incorrectly.

If this leaves you hesitant or puzzled about why your partner is even interested, you're far from alone. Start by checking out some of the reasons why guys like anal sex.

But when you prepare properly, anal sex can be both safe and genuinely pleasurable. Following the advice below means no surprises, no pain, and no "accidents" to worry about. Instead of dreading it, you might find yourself actually looking forward to it — you could even be the one who brings it up first!

2. Resist The Urge To Rush Into It

Your partner might figure that bringing up anal sex spontaneously will make you more receptive, and you might feel tempted to just say yes before you can talk yourself out of it. But jumping into anal sex on the spur of the moment isn't the smartest approach.

You might not have essentials like lube or condoms handy. You may not have the time to relax and get fully comfortable with your partner first. And you'll likely miss the chance to prepare properly, which itself helps you feel more at ease.

It also matters that you've built an environment where you can speak openly and honestly about what you're feeling. Doing so cuts down on pain and injury risk while boosting pleasure. Acting spontaneously can make it harder to have these conversations, particularly once things are already underway — though this varies depending on your comfort level and dynamic as a couple.

Unfortunately, a large share of people stay quiet when anal sex hurts rather than telling their partner [1].

Related: Does Anal Sex Hurt?

Since talking about sex can be genuinely hard, we put together a guide to sexual communication. You'll also find advice specifically about discussing anal sex in this section of the Anal Sex Guide.

When preparing for anal sex, conversations should happen before things get physical. Lay out your goals, desires, and any hesitation you have. If your partner's first instinct is prioritizing your comfort and enjoyment over his own pleasure, you're likely to feel much more at ease and end up with a better experience overall.

A good first experience can be the deciding factor in whether you ever want to try anal sex again! Preparation is also part of what makes anal sex safer. More on anal safety.

3. Timing Matters — Not Every Moment Works

Several factors are worth considering before diving into anal sex. If your stomach is upset or your digestion is irregular, hold off until conditions improve. The same applies if you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Crohn's Disease — depending on severity, anal sex may not be an option at all right now.

It's also wise to wait if you're dealing with hemorrhoids [2] — give them time to heal first. Likewise, skip anal sex during a herpes outbreak, since it can spread the virus [3].

Some women also choose to avoid anal sex during pregnancy.

More on anal sex during pregnancy.

Ideally, you'll have anal sex shortly after a clean bowel movement. If your digestion is regular, you probably already have a sense of your own timing. Fiber and adequate water intake go a long way toward keeping things predictable. Some suggest using products or foods to firm up stool beforehand, but that's not necessarily useful or comfortable.

If you sense you'll need to use the bathroom soon, or your stool feels loose or backed up, it's better to wait. You can always try later, but pushing through when the timing is wrong tends to lead to a much less enjoyable experience.

4. There's No Need To Go Overboard On Hygiene

This part might not sound particularly sexy, but it's genuinely the most important piece of preparing for anal sex — and solid hygiene habits also help calm your nerves.

Good hygiene lowers the odds of fecal matter or unpleasant odors while making sure you're truly ready for anal play. It also helps you relax, which we'll get into shortly. At minimum, keep a clean wet wipe on hand.

If a wet wipe isn't available, hop in the shower and thoroughly clean between your cheeks and around your anus. Even though trace fecal matter exists in the anus, most of it is actually stored higher up in the bowels, so there's usually not much to deal with [4].

Douches – Taking things a step further, you could use a douche — a small device similar to a baby's nasal aspirator. Fill it with warm water, insert it, and squeeze to rinse things out. Doing this over the toilet keeps cleanup simple.

Enemas – For an even deeper clean right before anal sex, consider an enema. Enema kits are sold at pharmacies and online for extra privacy. Rather than walk through the process here, we'll point you to Wikihow's detailed guide here.

Enemas are more invasive than necessary for most people and can even cause irritation [5]. If you enjoy them or have a fetish around them, go for it — otherwise, save yourself the trouble and stick with a shower, douche, or wet wipes.

5. Removing Hair Is Optional, Not Required

Humans are mammals, so body hair — including around the genitals and butt — is completely normal, whether fine and soft or thicker and coarser. This applies especially to men, though plenty of women also have hair they'd rather deal with before anal play.

This step is entirely optional. It doesn't make things more hygienic, though it may look tidier aesthetically, so the choice is yours. Don't do it simply because a partner asked you to.

Hair removal cream, waxing, and shaving all work well before anal sex. Shaving tends to be the simplest route — just use a sharp razor and quality shaving cream to soften the hair and get a smoother result.

Go deeper: How to shave down there without bumps or irritation.

Shaving back there is easier than most other DIY hair removal methods, but it can still be tricky, especially with limited flexibility or reach, and you can't really see what you're doing. Squatting or using a mirror can make it more manageable.

Discover: Tips for having great sex in front of a mirror!

Hair removal creams work too, but stick with formulas made for sensitive skin — a chemical burn near your anus is the last thing you want. Speaking of which…

6. Skip Anal Bleaching — It's Not Necessary

The anus, much like the labia, tends to be darker than surrounding skin. That's entirely normal and nothing to worry about, though bleaching products exist if you want to lighten it. Getting noticeable results usually requires repeated applications, which can get pricey and time-consuming.

There are added risks with anal bleaching too, including chemical burns. Bleaching products often contain soothing ingredients like Vitamin E, aloe, or chamomile, but side effects such as burning, itching, or even permanent scarring are real possibilities worth weighing.

If you do decide to bleach, steer clear of anything containing hydroquinone — it's been linked to cancer and can cause permanent skin discoloration.

Learn more in our guide to anal bleaching.

You don't need a "perfect" body to enjoy anal sex, and any partner who can't accept yours as it naturally is probably isn't worth your time.

7. Anal Sex Is A Completely Different Experience From Vaginal Sex

The obvious reason is that your man stimulates your vagina during vaginal sex but your anus and rectum during anal sex. But why do some women love anal sex while others can't stand it?

It comes down to a single muscle: your anal sphincter.

Sounds a little funny, I know, but I mean it.

This muscle behaves nothing like anything in your vagina. What makes it interesting is that it stays in a constant state of contraction — tense and tight nearly all the time. Unlike most muscles, getting your sphincter to relax takes real time, usually a few minutes.

A lot of guys don't grasp this and assume a bit of lube handles everything. That's simply not true (make sure your man knows this too!). Along with lubricant, your sphincter genuinely needs time to relax fully before anything else happens.

8. Relaxation Is The Real Key

Now that you understand your sphincter, the next step is learning how to help it fully relax so your man can enter you comfortably and enjoyably. This is essential to preparing for anal sex the right way. Relaxation happens gradually — you can't force it, and it won't loosen at all unless something is there to gently stretch it.

Keep in mind that tension or nervousness will slow this process down considerably. That's why I always suggest practicing relaxing your sphincter solo first, before trying anything with your man. That removes a lot of pressure the first few times. Relaxing your throat can even help mirror that same relaxation in your sphincter.

Beyond the sphincter itself, look for ways to relax your body and mind more broadly.

Massage – A massage (more on sensual massages) is a fantastic way to unwind and get in the mood for anal sex. A full-body massage can shift into a genital massage, and from there into butt stimulation. Kneading the cheeks and lightly stimulating the anus makes for a natural lead-in to penetration. Your man might similarly start with groping and massaging your butt before moving into analingus.

Check out these tips for rimming and learn more in this post about rim jobs. You can also learn how to eat ass.

Just keep in mind that once a finger or tongue touches your anus, it shouldn't go back to vaginal stimulation afterward [6]. Along the same lines, avoid letting anything that's touched semen near your vagina, since it could lead to pregnancy (Read: Can You Get Pregnant From Anal Sex? The Scientific Facts).

A glass of wine – Plenty of people, women especially, like winding down with wine or marijuana. Both can also boost libido, making you more open to anal or other kinds of sex. Just don't overdo it — staying in control, alert, and able to communicate during anal sex matters.

Oral, manual, or vaginal sex are also solid ways to relax. Women who experience a few orgasms beforehand seem more inclined toward anal sex, and toward having even more orgasms during it (find out how to have incredible anal orgasms). That's a win either way.

Bubble bath – A relaxing soak works wonders before any kind of sex (and pairs nicely with that glass of wine!). Invite your man along if you'd like the company, or enjoy it solo — either way, you'll come out feeling squeaky clean.

9. Lube Is Non-Negotiable

Coming up next: starting with fingers or toys is a great way to loosen things up before anal sex. Anything besides a tongue needs lubrication, since unlike the vagina, the anus doesn't self-lubricate. Apply lube generously both to whatever's doing the penetrating and to your anus itself.

Learn about what type of lube to use here.

Use a generous amount and don't hesitate to add more as needed — just avoid dumping an entire bottle, which starts acting more like a douche or enema and creates unnecessary mess.

10. Skip Numbing Products Entirely

Alongside lubricants formulated for anal sex, you'll come across numbing creams like Anal Ease, designed to block pain sensation during anal play. Sounds appealing at first, but it also means blocking out pleasure, which can leave you feeling disconnected from the whole experience. If numbing cream transfers onto your partner's penis, he can lose sensation too.

It also makes controlling your sphincter noticeably harder.

More importantly, dulling your pain response means you might miss signs that something's actually wrong. You won't know when to say stop, and your partner might unknowingly continue even if an injury has occurred.

Some people mistake these products for lube substitutes, but that's not the case — you'll still need real lube alongside anything with numbing properties.

Thankfully, the growth of feminist sex toy shops and body-friendly retailers means these products are becoming harder to find [7].

11. Start With Something Small

It takes some getting used to, but anal toys or your own fingers can help you learn your preferences through anal masturbation (read more about anal masturbation). You can then carry that knowledge into partnered anal sex and set yourself up for the best possible experience.

The smartest way to begin preparing for anal sex is loosening your sphincter with something very small — a single finger works well. Start with a small amount of lube on your finger, then apply some to your anus as well. Get on your knees, lean forward, and rest your chest against the bed. This position helps your sphincter relax most effectively — similar to the turtle sex position.

By the way, reaching around with your arm behind your back tends to be easier than reaching from the front.

Slowly begin working your finger into your anus. As explained on the main page about having anal sex, you'll notice right away just how tight things feel. Once you're partially inside, pause and hold still for a full minute — by the end of that minute, the tightness usually eases up noticeably. Then gently withdraw, rest for a minute or two, and go back in, aiming a bit deeper this time.

You may hit another point of resistance as you go — this is the far side of the sphincter muscle, roughly 0.5 to 1 inch deep. Move through it very slowly and gently, since this spot has the most potential for discomfort. Once you're past it, hold there for another full minute before slowly withdrawing.

Repeat the process, up to about 10 times total, paying attention to how your sphincter gradually loosens. It's a simple exercise, but just the beginning. Keep these 3 pointers in mind while preparing for anal sex:

• Trim your fingernails beforehand!
• Not sure how much lube to use? Follow this rule: it's always better to use slightly too much than too little.
• Feel free to masturbate at the same time (P.S. you'll find some solid masturbation techniques here & here)

Read More: Advice for Anal Fingering

Let's keep going with your anal sex preparation…

Once one finger slides in easily, move on to two fingers using the same approach outlined above. Go slowly, and stop right away if anything feels too uncomfortable.

12. Toys Can Make A Real Difference

Toys make a great transition into anal sex, helping relax your sphincter ahead of penetration while offering pleasure of their own. You'll find specific toy suggestions below, but no matter what you choose, keep this advice in mind:

• Stick to nonporous materials — silicone, metal, treated wood, glass, plastic, or ceramic.
• Avoid anything with sharp edges that could cut you or seams that trap fecal matter.
• Look for a flared base so it can't get lost or stuck inside you. A handle or loop also works (though be cautious with glass toys, since looped handles on glass tend to be weak).

Always clean a toy thoroughly before first use. If you're using the same toy for both vaginal and anal play, cover it with a condom during anal use. After anal use, disinfect by boiling for 3 minutes (assuming no mechanical parts) or wiping down with a 10% bleach solution.

Butt Plugs

You'll quickly discover that fingering yourself for an extended period gets awkward. A butt plug offers an easier way to keep your anus loosened up. They come in every shape and size, from very thin beginner-friendly options to larger ones for anyone who enjoys a stretched sensation. Start small and work your way up to bigger sizes as comfort increases. Trainer kits with a range of plug sizes are also available.

Read more about anal training.

When picking a butt plug, look for one where the neck is noticeably narrower than the base. A longer neck can help if you have a fuller backside. Some people prefer rounded bases, while others like narrow, rectangular ones.

Once inserted, a butt plug is designed to stay in place on its own — no extra effort needed. That means you can go about your day wearing one, if you're feeling especially adventurous!

Learn: How to use a butt plug.

Anal Beads

Anal beads are another popular option. Since they're typically smaller in diameter, they work well as a warmup for anal play. Many people love the sensation of beads sliding into the rectum and then popping back out slowly.

Read More: How to Use Anal Beads Safely for Wild, Body-Shaking Orgasms!

Dildos

For an extra step in your preparation, try a dildo close in size to your man's penis. Just like with butt plugs, you'll notice significant tightness at first that eases the more you continue.

Start with slow, shallow strokes, gradually going deeper and faster as comfort builds. Stay attentive so you avoid hurting yourself in the process.

Now you'll have a real sense of what your man is about to experience!

Note 1: If you use a dildo while preparing, wash it thoroughly before it ever touches your vagina.

This Dildo Pleasure Guide walks through how to use a dildo for maximum satisfaction.

You can also learn specifically how to use a strap-on with a partner. Using a strap-on with a male partner in particular is known as pegging.

13. Anal Sex Carries A Higher HIV Risk

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), anal sex carries the greatest HIV transmission risk of any sex act, due to the thinness of rectal tissue. Before panicking, take stock of your actual risk level using the CDC's Risk Reduction Tool, which factors in your gender and sexual orientation.

If you're preparing for anal sex with a partner who has HIV or an unknown HIV status, consider medication known as Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), which lowers the risk of contracting HIV from sex by roughly 99% [8]. After the fact, Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) may help prevent infection if a condom wasn't used.

Condoms obviously help reduce this risk too, though many heterosexual couples skip them [9]. It's completely fair to request condoms for anal sex even if you don't use them for vaginal sex.

14. More Anal Sex Tips To Explore

Now that preparation is covered, it's time for the main event! Head over to the primary Anal Sex Guide to learn exactly how you and your man can start enjoying anal sex together tonight. And don't miss these 19 anal sex positions for even more ways to spice things up.

What The Science Says

Researchers regularly survey people about their views on anal sex and how often they actually engage in it. A 2010 Indiana University survey of 5,865 respondents found anal sex had grown more popular, with 40% of men reporting they'd tried it at least once [10]. A more recent survey found both men and women considered anal sex to count as "having sex" — making it the most commonly recognized sexual activity after vaginal intercourse [11].

We also ran our own survey of 1,260 women to dig into this question:

Do women like anal sex?

The findings were clear: 63.3% of women who'd received anal sex at least once said they genuinely enjoyed it.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Is lube necessary for anal sex?

A: Absolutely. Some people manage anal sex with minimal or no lube, but the anus simply isn't self-lubricating [12]. Skipping lube raises the odds of tearing during penetration. Even without visible pain or bleeding, micro-tears can still happen, raising your risk of contracting an STI (anal sex is a known route for HIV transmission [13]) or picking up a bacterial infection. Not fun.

Learn more about bacterial vaginosis.

Q: What type of lube works best for anal play?

A: It really comes down to preference. Some people love an ultra-slick, long-lasting silicone-based lube. Others prefer a thicker gel formula that feels "softer." Sliquid Sassy is a popular pick in that second category. It's worth grabbing one of each to see what suits you — just be sure to check silicone lube against any silicone toys first, since they may not play well together.

Q: Do I really need to shower, douche, or use an enema?

A: None of these are strictly required, but many people do them anyway for the peace of mind that comes with feeling clean. A shower plus a wet wipe usually covers it. If you want extra assurance, a douche handles anything more. An enema might satisfy a particular kink, but it's not a necessity.

Q: Is shaving required beforehand?

A: Some people feel a bit self-conscious about hair around the butt and anus — totally normal, since we're all mammals, though it can be more noticeable on some people than others. Thicker hair might get in the way during anal play, so shaving is worth considering if that's a concern for you, or if you'd simply feel more comfortable without it.

Some men also shave before a prostate massage. Learn more about prostate massage.

Keep in mind that shaved hair grows back with blunt ends, which can actually feel more noticeable than longer, naturally tapered hair. Shaving itself can be tricky in this area, and any nicks raise infection risk. Use a sharp, quality razor and good shaving cream, take your time, and avoid using that same razor elsewhere afterward to prevent spreading bacteria.

Q: Does anal sex get messy?

A: Not usually, if you've prepared properly — especially after a recent, clean bowel movement. That said, some mess is always a possibility given the body part involved.

The tips above help minimize both mess and any awkwardness that comes with it. Still, be mentally prepared for the chance that whatever's been inside comes out with some residue, or for the occasional bit of flatulence.

Using a condom during anal sex, or on any toy involved, makes cleanup considerably easier.

Q: Can I go back to vaginal sex right after anal sex?

A: Regardless of what porn might suggest, never move a penis, toy, or fingers from the anus straight into the vagina. Everything needs a thorough cleaning first, plus a fresh condom if one's being used. The anus carries different bacteria than the vagina, and cross-contamination can lead to infection [14].

Resources

William Saletan has written about anal sex for Slate. In one article, he explores why sessions involving anal sex also tend to include more orgasms for women.

November 17, 2020