Hair Pulling During Sex – A Guide To Doing It Right

There's a right way and a very wrong way to grab your partner's hair in bed. Done well, it awakens the wild, lustful side of your partner. Done poorly, it turns them off entirely or even causes real pain. Let me walk you through doing it well 🙂

Feeling a hand slide up the back of your scalp right before it grips your hair can pull an involuntary gasp out of you and send a shiver down your spine.

And if you're the one doing the pulling…

That rush of control over your partner can be downright addictive.

That said…

It's easy to lose yourself in the moment during rough sex or BDSM.

Keep checking in with your partner throughout. Their consent at the start doesn't mean their comfort level — or needs — won't shift mid-scene or during a BDSM scene or role play.

Tread carefully – Grabbing hair or steering someone's head with it doesn't take much force at all. You can always dial up intensity later, but you can't undo pain caused by going too hard too fast.

One more thing before we get into it…

Someone who loves having their hair pulled in bed won't necessarily want the same treatment outside of it.

Why Does Hair Pulling Feel Good For Women During Sex?

On the physical side, the scalp is packed with nerve endings that respond to hair pulling — along with plenty of other stimulation. Each individual hair follicle is surrounded by somewhere between two and twenty nerve fibers [1]! Even without a specific hair-pulling kink, you've probably enjoyed a scalp massage before — it taps into that same nerve-rich sensitivity.

Dig deeper: 23 Kinky Things To Try In Bed

Some researchers point to how closely the brain's pleasure and pain centers sit together, meaning mild pain can spark genuinely pleasant sensations. Hormones likely factor in too.

And don't assume this is only for long-haired women — plenty of men have long hair as well. It's less commonly discussed for them, but plenty of guys enjoy having their hair pulled too!

Learn more: How To Dominate Your Man In Bed

Wanting to pull hair during sex is a pretty widespread urge too. It creates a real sense of dominance, especially since it hands you control over where your partner's body goes. That's exactly why it's such a useful move in BDSM or whenever you're aiming to get freakier in bed.

How To Bring Up Hair Pulling With Your Partner

Talk it through first.

Raising the topic before you actually grab your partner's hair matters, because they might not be into it at all.

Some people only want hair pulling with a long-term partner, not with a hookup or someone new.

Springing it on someone unannounced risks:

• Damaging their hair
• Actually yanking it out
• Stirring up past trauma
• Physically hurting them
• Accidentally pulling off a wig or hair extensions you didn't know were there

Anyone dealing with trauma, brittle hair, particular textures or styles (think Marley braids), or hair-loss conditions like alopecia might want to skip hair pulling altogether — or prepare carefully to avoid unwanted fallout.

For lots of people, it's no big deal – Mentioning that you'd like to try pulling hair — or have yours pulled — usually isn't a huge ask. Hair pulling is so common in rough sex that plenty of people don't even file it under "BDSM." Most partners wouldn't blink at the suggestion.

Still, you know your partner far better than any stranger online does. If they tend to be shy, reserved, easily embarrassed, or more "vanilla," ease into it gently. That said, don't be shocked if they surprise you by being totally on board!

Ease in and go slow – If your partner's curious but a bit nervous, agree on a safe word they can use to pause things instantly. That way you can check in without breaking the mood entirely.

And remember to stick to the basic safety guidelines for BDSM.

Where To Grip The Hair

As a rule, grab hair from the back of the head, where it's thickest. Gripping close to the roots is the safest approach — it's the most comfortable for your partner, least likely to snap their hair, and gives you the best control when moving their head.

Stick to the back of the head, behind the ears. Grabbing elsewhere raises the odds of pulling hair out, breaking it, or causing pain your partner didn't sign up for.

Pulling Her Hair During Sex – 3 Simple Steps

Step 1 – Rest your palm against the back of your partner's neck, just below the hairline.

Step 2 – Glide your hand slowly up their scalp, fingers spread apart so their hair runs between them.

Step 3 – Once you reach roughly eye level at the back of their head, close your fingers gently around a section of hair into a soft fist.

Read their reaction first – No need to pull yet. Watch for signs of comfort or interest. If their body stiffens or they pause what they're doing, release your grip and move on.

If it's clearly working for them…

Slowly and gently pull so their head tilts back just a bit.

Firm, not harsh – Your grip needs to be solid — too loose and it won't register, too hard and you risk hurting them.

Grab more, not less – Take a generous section of hair rather than just a few strands. A few strands pulled tight is genuinely painful; a fuller grip isn't. Test it on your own hair to feel the difference.

Working with a ponytail or bun – This technique still works if your partner's hair is tied up loosely. Just slide your fingers between their scalp and the hair tie. With especially long hair, you can even wrap the ponytail around your hand.

Pulling short hair – You don't need much length — a couple of inches is plenty. Just know you'll be working with less volume if their hair is short.

Thick or curly hair – Curls can catch or tangle around your fingers easily, so move carefully.

The takeaway – That's a lot to take in, but don't stress…

A few tries while watching your partner's reactions will teach you exactly what clicks for the two of you.

Positions Best Suited For Hair Pulling During Sex

Hair pulling works best when your palm can rest flat against the back of your partner's head, so face-to-face positions with hair that's easy to grab work great. Woman-on-top positions like Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl are ideal for this.

Tip: Check out how to feel more confident riding your man!

Other positions worth trying for hair pulling include:

• Doggy Style
• Lotus
• Sofa Surprise
• Mastery
• During a blow job, such as the kneeling blow job position
• While going down on her
• While spanking your partner if they're on all fours or draped over your lap

Bringing Hair Pulling Into Rough Sex & BDSM

If rougher sex or BDSM is your scene, a fistful of hair opens up plenty of options — tilting their head back to lock eyes (eye contact during sex), or…

• Guiding them dominantly into standing or kneeling positions
• Pulling them back from your cock mid-blow job
• Drawing them back into you during sex from behind or anal sex
• Using your other hand to slap while you pull their hair, if that's something they enjoy

Humiliation/Degradation – Since pulling hair naturally messes it up, it can fit right into humiliation or degradation play, particularly with a partner who likes staying neat and put-together.

Bondage/Shibari – Some people incorporate rope into their partner's hair or use it as part of bondage setups. Just avoid using hair to bear any actual weight — it's fine for decorative purposes or layered on top of more functional restraint.

Primal play – Hair pulling pairs naturally with primal kink play, the more animalistic, less scripted flavor of BDSM.

Choking – Pulling your partner's head back by their hair also exposes their neck for choking. Long hair can even be wrapped around the neck for light choking. It's undeniably a riskier activity, but some people are into it regardless.

Bringing Hair Pulling Into Sensual Sex

Hair pulling doesn't have to be rough — it works beautifully for sensual sex too. You might use it, for instance, to gently guide your partner's face in for a kiss.

Gentle scalp scratching – Rather than a rough, sustained pull, try a brief tug followed by massaging or softly scratching their scalp.

Here's a simple technique for scratching your partner's scalp…

1. Rest your palm on the back of their neck, curl your fingers gently, and drag your nails up along the back of their neck and scalp for a light scratch.
2. As you near the crown of their head, softly grip a bit of hair between your fingers and slide your hand back down, letting the hair run through your fingers.
3. Once you reach the bottom, repeat.

Brushing & stroking – Softly brush hair from their face or run your hand through it for a gentler, more intimate feel. This can pair well with hair pulling during pet play scenes where you're caring for your sub.

Hair Pulling & Consent

Talking with your partner before any hair pulling happens is essential, no matter which of you is doing the pulling. It keeps you from crossing lines and causing unwanted pain.

This Reddit thread dives into people's real experiences with hair pulling and rough sex more broadly. You'll find stories where consent was clearly established beforehand, and — more notably…

Stories where nothing was discussed and no consent was given, resulting in genuinely bad experiences.

Bottom line – Always talk through boundaries and secure consent before anything happens.

Advanced Hair Pulling Tips To Level Up Your Sex Life

During a kiss – Once you know your partner is into hair pulling (maybe they've even got a dedicated kink for it), pull their hair mid-kiss to help set the mood for sex.

Related: The Complete List of 239 Kinks & Fetishes

During doggy style – Combine a hair pull with a light ass slap while in this position.

During dirty talk – With their hair gripped in your hand, tilt their head to the side so your mouth is right by their ear. Let out a moan, sigh, growl, give a command, or just breathe heavily against their ear!

That should give you plenty to work with for exploring hair pulling with your partner. Now go try it out — consensually, always!

October 17, 2024