Why My Husband Can’t Come Anymore And What To Do About It

Countless women wonder what it means when their partner suddenly can't orgasm during sex, and readers frequently worry about what's going wrong when a partner deals with delayed ejaculation. It's disorienting when you're used to a sexual script where his orgasm marks the finish line. Wondering if it has something to do with you is completely natural. But his trouble reaching orgasm can stem from any number of causes, and plenty of them are treatable.

The medical term for an inability to orgasm is anorgasmia [1, 2]; we'll stick with simpler language here, though.

Before figuring out why your partner can't come anymore, it helps to understand what a male orgasm actually is. Most people picture ejaculation happening alongside sexual release. And it's true that orgasm and ejaculation usually go hand in hand; still, a man can technically orgasm without ejaculating at all, known as a dry orgasm or dry climax [3].

If you're the one struggling to climax, check out our advice on fixing that instead.

Dry orgasms can stem from several causes:

• Prostate stimulation via the perineum [4 p 51]
• Retrograde ejaculation, where semen travels backward into the bladder rather than exiting through the urethra [5, 6], sometimes triggered by spinal cord injury [7, 8] or other causes
• Diabetes [9]
• Surgery, such as prostate removal [10] or bladder removal
• Testosterone deficiency [11] tied to hypogonadism, which can reduce ejaculate
• Cancer treatment [12]
• A blocked sperm duct (obstructive azoospermia [13])
• Insufficient semen production [14]

Your partner may still feel the sensation of orgasm even without ejaculating, which can actually help him experience multiple orgasms [4 p 27]. He'll also still feel plenty of pleasure. That said, he may feel frustrated by inhibited ejaculation or anxious about whatever's causing it. Distinguishing between a dry orgasm and no orgasm at all can help you both figure out the underlying cause.

Why Is It Hard for Him to Cum?

These questions can help pinpoint why he can't come, or why he takes forever to get there. Keep in mind he may have strong emotions tied to this issue, so talk with him before jumping to conclusions. Ultimately, it's on him to find and pursue solutions if his inability to orgasm bothers him. You can support that process, but he has to take the lead.

1. Is It About You?

Plenty of women instinctively blame themselves when a partner can't orgasm, but there are countless possible causes, and many have nothing to do with you at all. Occasionally, trouble with erection and orgasm does relate to attraction toward a partner, but far more often it's unrelated entirely.

It's understandable to feel this way, but go easy on yourself. There's likely another explanation. Before blaming baby weight or a new haircut, talk to your partner and try to rule out other contributing factors first.

Finally, even if you master male orgasm techniques, don't automatically assume you're bad in bed. You might be fantastic, while something else entirely is blocking his orgasm.

2. Can He Come From Other Activities?

If he struggles to finish during oral sex specifically, it might simply come down to how gentle that activity feels (more on this shortly). If he can't come with you but can while masturbating solo or watching porn, the issue isn't medical. He's clearly capable of orgasm, so something psychological is holding him back specifically during partnered sex.

Related: Why Do Men Watch Porn?

3. Was He Able to Come Before?

A recent injury, surgery, new diagnosis, prescription, or simply aging could all explain a sudden shift in his ability to orgasm. The cause could still be psychological, of course, but it's usually worth researching whether a new diagnosis or medication might be playing a role.

Within a new relationship, building trust and truly letting go enough to orgasm can take time [18]. So it may not be cause for concern if he struggles at first but orgasm becomes easier as comfort grows between you.

Finally, consider whether "climax control" lube or condoms could be responsible. If they contain numbing agents (commonly benzocaine), that could explain why he's taking longer to come, or even losing his erection entirely. Different bodies react differently to these products.

4. Are There Other Sexual Issues?

You might be so focused on his trouble orgasming that you're overlooking erectile dysfunction or reduced desire, both of which might trace back to one underlying issue waiting to be uncovered.

Related: Why Is Your Husband Not Interested in Sex? 10 Surprising Reasons!

5. Is He Stressed?

Everyone deals with stress occasionally, and even mild stress can affect the body more than you'd expect. Stress can interfere with all kinds of sexual function [20], from arousal to desire to orgasm itself. He may never consciously bring stress into the bedroom, but it can follow him there regardless.

6. How Is His Health?

Generally healthy men tend to be sexually healthy too, orgasm included. Sexual symptoms often connect to heart and blood health, like low blood pressure, hormone imbalances, or diabetes, among other conditions. New medication could also play a role in delayed or absent orgasm. Drugs like SSRIs for depression [15, 16] or Gabapentin [17] can interfere with orgasm.

7. How's Your Relationship?

You might not have an answer here if he's keeping his feelings about the relationship to himself. But if arguments have picked up, there's been a breach of trust like cheating, or you've simply grown apart, that tension can surface as sexual difficulty. Relationship strain may explain why he can't come even without an obvious medical cause [21].

8. Is He Confident?

While you might worry you're the reason he can't ejaculate, the real issue could be entirely in his head. He might feel intimidated by sex itself, or by you as a beautiful or experienced partner. He may doubt his skills or his body, perhaps because of something said to him in the past. Vulnerability is hard enough for women to navigate, and it can be even tougher for men who were never taught how to express these feelings.

9. Does He Drink Alcohol?

Alcohol can cause anorgasmia [22], so cutting back, or quitting altogether, might resolve the issue entirely.

What to Do When He Can't Finish

1. Talk to Him

Before anything else, talk to him. Approach the conversation gently and give him room to be vulnerable. Avoid judgment or visible disappointment, even if he's pulled away sexually and you're feeling resentful over your sexless marriage. He's likely already carrying shame and embarrassment over delayed ejaculation or an inability to orgasm.

Simply let him know you've noticed the struggle. Ask whether there's anything you can do, or even whether he wants to address it at all. He might still be enjoying orgasm even without ejaculating. He may need time before feeling ready to pursue solutions, and he might not even be bothered by delayed ejaculation if he assumes you want him to last longer anyway!

If it does concern him, read through this article together, then try one of the following approaches to help address why he can't come.

2. Talk to His Doctor

If a medical cause seems likely, he should absolutely see his doctor. That's a smart first step if you can't figure out why he can't come anymore on your own. There may be something going on that neither of you is aware of yet.

Testosterone also naturally declines with age [23], which can lead to sexual difficulties, anorgasmia included. Testosterone therapy may help restore orgasm [24].

Curious how else testosterone shapes his sex life? Check out these male sex facts!

Anorgasmia can also show up as a side effect of a known condition, like hypothyroidism [25]. Don't assume his doctor would have already flagged it. Doctors are only human, and they may not know every symptom, or may struggle to bring up sexual issues unless patients raise them first. As one doctor put it,

Problems of delayed ejaculation tend to be somewhat rare and not well understood by psychologists and sex therapists. In addition, they are not well understood by most medical doctors and urologists [26]

It can help to research known conditions and medications online ahead of a doctor's appointment.

Even if he suspects a medication is to blame, he shouldn't stop taking anything without his doctor's guidance. He and his doctor should work together to find the right medication (testosterone, perhaps, if hormone levels have dropped with age) and dosage, or an alternative that avoids these side effects.

Make sure he follows through on his doctor's recommendations.

3. Seek Counseling

Whether body image, depression, anxiety, or relationship strain sits behind his anorgasmia, a therapist may genuinely help. Even solo therapy can uncover ways to work through it, though relationship-based issues are usually best tackled together. Doing so strengthens your bond and helps resolve whatever's blocking his orgasm.

Some relationship problems can be worked through without professional help. If your struggles feel bigger than what a self-guided approach can fix, though, it may be time to bring in a professional.

Counseling can also help if stress is behind his trouble finishing. He can build coping tools, even if the stress itself can't be eliminated entirely. Mindfulness, which centers on staying present rather than getting swept up in anxious, intrusive thoughts, can help him manage stress [27, 28], and has been shown to help with sexual dysfunction more broadly [29]. Most research on mindfulness and sex has focused on women, but it may benefit men too [30].

Of course, reducing stress wherever possible is the ideal outcome. There's no need for him to play Superman if it's hurting his health and happiness.

All of this contributes to his overall wellbeing, which in turn benefits him, his health, your relationship, and your sex life. You can support this by embracing a healthy lifestyle alongside him and helping manage stress together.

Keep in mind that change may not happen overnight. Stay patient, and keep enjoying your sex life even while your husband can't come. Some issues simply won't be fixable, which is why nurturing intimacy in other ways matters, something we'll cover shortly.

When He Can't Come From a Blow Job

If he's otherwise healthy, your relationship's solid, and oral sex is the only time he can't orgasm, don't stress over it. This is actually incredibly common, so it's usually not a big deal if he doesn't finish during a blow job. And it doesn't mean you're bad at giving head, either!

Blow jobs simply tend to feel gentler than penetrative sex or masturbation. Plenty of men are used to masturbating with a tight grip, which might explain why he can finish by hand but not through oral or vaginal sex.

Continuing to go down on him for too long can also become uncomfortable or painful if he's taking a while to finish. It's fine to pause or switch activities without bringing him to orgasm at all. Try not to take it personally.

If he can't finish from a blow job, he might try skipping masturbation for a few weeks, or using a lighter grip when he does. That could help him respond more to oral sex over time. You could also add elements like a vibrator, light bondage, or temperature play to intensify the experience and boost his odds of finishing.

That said, if he's genuinely satisfied with the blow job as-is and doesn't want anything to change, don't fret over it. Sex is about so much more than orgasm alone!

Maintaining Intimacy When He Can't Ejaculate

What does it mean if he can't finish and there's simply no fix available? It certainly doesn't mean your sex life is finished. He might be on medication that prevents finishing entirely, or have had surgery causing retrograde ejaculation. Once you've exhausted other options (and even before you have), remember you can still enjoy pleasure and intimacy together even without his orgasm.

Trust us, intimacy ranks among several things men want in bed, even if the movies don't always show it that way.

If he can still get an erection, vaginal and anal sex, or oral sex performed on him, remain entirely possible. No one says sex requires a man's orgasm. He can also give you oral or manual pleasure, or you can engage in mutual masturbation together. More about mutual masturbation here.

Consider activities where orgasm isn't the goal at all. A sensual massage is a great example, taking turns rubbing each other down. Don't skip kissing, hugging, and cuddling. Physical intimacy still matters, even with a changed sex life.

Masters and Johnson, the sex researchers, developed a practice called sensate focus, which some view as a form of mindfulness [31]. It keeps you present and connected to each other's bodies. Check the resources section below for a guide to it.

Get more tips like this in our guide to improving your sex life.

While your sex life may permanently shift if he's unable to orgasm, plenty of underlying causes are common and treatable. And you shouldn't assume his trouble finishing has anything to do with you. Keeping that in mind, you can stay calm while exploring solutions to his anorgasmia and finding ways to keep enjoying sex and staying close no matter the outcome.

Resources

The Wikipedia entry for anorgasmia sheds light on difficulty ejaculating.

In her question to Ask Anna, one reader wonders what's going on when her boyfriend doesn't come during sex.

Male users respond to an inquiry about whether they can come from oral sex and whether it's a problem that they can't.

This article on Good Therapy guides you through sensate focus, which can relieve pressure around orgasm and help partners reconnect.

Lori Brotto has researched how mindfulness affects sexual function and written a book on the subject: Better Sex Through Mindfulness. It's aimed at women, but the ideas may benefit men too.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Does it mean he's cheating if he can't come inside me?

Intimacy issues sometimes surface when one or both partners are cheating, showing up as difficulty getting aroused, maintaining an erection, or reaching orgasm. Similarly, relationship strain can play out in the bedroom in unfavorable ways, entirely apart from any cheating.

Still, don't assume this is automatically the reason your husband can't come anymore. It could stem from other stresses in his life, a health issue, or simply aging, none of which reflect on you or your relationship.

There are other signs worth watching for if cheating is a genuine concern.

FAQ #2 – How do I talk to my husband about why he can't come?

This is a genuinely tricky conversation, or series of conversations. Don't be too hard on yourself if it's a struggle. You're far from alone. When a man takes a long time to come, shame or embarrassment often follows, especially if orgasm and ejaculation were never an issue before. As his partner, you might blame yourself too, even though it usually has nothing to do with you (see the earlier FAQ and the rest of this article). Both of these dynamics can make the conversation harder.

On top of that, a man's ability to get and maintain an erection, and to orgasm, often ties closely to his sense of masculinity, so identity issues may be at play too. Bringing up how long he takes to come shines a light on something he might prefer stayed hidden. It exposes perceived flaws and demands vulnerability. He may also worry it signals a bigger issue, health-related or relationship-related, that he'd rather avoid entirely.

All this means how you approach the topic matters enormously. Avoid sounding like you're blaming him, or coming across angry or disappointed. Instead, lead with genuine concern. Keep your tone loving and gentle. Present yourselves as a united front tackling the issue together, and emphasize that it's not a huge deal and that you can work through it as a team.

Use the conversation as a chance to brainstorm other ways to feel intimate and satisfied together.

If you're the one bringing it up, consider simply letting him know you'd like to talk about your sex life later, giving him time to prepare mentally. Don't corner him somewhere public or enclosed, and avoid bringing it up when he's busy. In fact, you might want to skip discussing it in the bedroom altogether. Bring it up casually while cooking or eating together, in a relaxed setting.

Find out the best ways to talk about sex.

He may simply not want to discuss it. If your instinct is to press further, resist that urge. Reassure him you're not placing blame, just looking for a solution together. If he won't open up to you, maybe he'll open up to a doctor instead. Leave the door open for him to come to you later if he needs more time.

That said, prepare yourself for the possibility that he may never want to discuss it at all. Can you preserve intimacy and pleasure without ever directly addressing his trouble ejaculating? Or does it interfere so much that your sex life feels miserable? And if so, how much does that affect your relationship overall? For some people, a genuinely unsatisfying sex life is reason enough to end things, and that's a valid choice.

FAQ #3 – Will Viagra help when a man takes a long time to come?

Viagra helps men struggling with erections by boosting blood flow to the penis. Because of that, it only helps men who are capable of getting hard but don't for some reason. It isn't designed to address difficulty ejaculating specifically.

Related: What You Need To Know About Boners

That said, research suggests Cialis, another erectile dysfunction medication, may support ejaculation as well as erection [32].

September 26, 2020