Mutual Masturbation: 9 Tips To Make It Sizzle For Both Of You

Sex is the sexiest thing you can share with your man, right? Hold that thought! There's something wonderfully raw and thrilling about showing your partner exactly how you masturbate, and mutual masturbation can lead to genuinely intense orgasms.

Why Mutual Masturbation

Mutual masturbation solves quite a few problems.

• Intimacy becomes possible before you're ready for actual sex (Read – first-time sex tips).
• Sexuality stays alive in a long-distance relationship.
• Sexual connection stays possible when penetrative sex isn't an option — infection, disability, an upcoming Pap smear, a risky pregnancy, etc. (non-penetrative activities fall under outercourse).
• STI transmission risk drops. Worth noting: some STIs spread through skin contact alone.
• It's a genuinely fresh way to liven up your sex life (discover more ways to spice up your sex life).
• It's not exclusively a teenage activity!

Masturbating together can also reignite general interest in sex, doubling as excellent foreplay.

Related: 22 Foreplay Tips

Plus, masturbating in front of each other brings all the usual benefits of solo masturbation along with it, stress relief included.

It's no surprise some Scandinavian countries actually include mutual masturbation in adolescent sex education [1]!

For the record, masturbation carries zero health downsides [2].

Getting the Courage to Masturbate In Front Of Your Man

Plenty of women struggle with masturbating in front of a partner. Women often take longer than men to grow comfortable with solo exploration, and many mistakenly assume other women simply don't masturbate. Not true at all — it's common and healthy for everyone, regardless of gender.

Even so, doing it in front of your man can feel surprisingly intimidating, even with an established sexual history together. Worries about judgment — how you touch yourself, how you look, the sounds you make — are entirely normal. Rest assured, most partners genuinely love watching their significant other lost in pleasure, and mutual masturbation is the perfect setting for exactly that. It might even be a long-held fantasy of his to watch you.

You might discover you enjoy being watched too (known as an exhibitionist kink), or find real appeal in watching him work his own hand (voyeurism, essentially). After all, nobody understands his touch better than he does — this becomes a genuine learning opportunity for both of you, picking up tricks from each other.

Initiating Mutual Masturbation

So how does this actually start?

Plenty of approaches work for bringing it up. Maybe a flirty text during the day (43 sexy text ideas) plants the seed, or you simply pause mid-makeout to suggest watching each other without full sex. One perk of mutual masturbation is that touching each other is entirely fair game — though a no-touching rule can be its own fun challenge too. Just don't lose sight of the "mutual" part.

Stripping for him is another option. Clothes come off; his arousal builds. Add sexy music, dim lighting, and make clear he can look but not touch — only himself.

Check out 8 simple tips to strip for your man.

Or let him "walk in" on you mid-session and invite him to join.

Mutual masturbation can also emerge naturally from regular sex. Maybe you're making out, dry humping (guide to dry humping), arousal building fast. Clothes eventually come off, but instead of jumping straight to penetration, you masturbate side by side.

The Mechanics of Masturbating Together

Once the plan's set, get comfortable. Find a position letting you both see — and show off for — each other (check out our ultimate list of sex positions for inspiration). Facing each other tends to be the default, and plenty of couples love the eye contact that comes with it, whether standing or lying on the bed.

Straddling a partner's body while masturbating appeals to some too, offering an up-close view for one of you! Experiment freely to find your groove, and don't hesitate to shift positions mid-session.

This illustrated guide on lesbian sex positions covers fingering positions that translate well to mutual masturbation too.

Once positioned, start touching yourself — rub your clit, pinch your nipples, slide a finger or two in, whatever genuinely does it for you. He'll be doing his own version simultaneously.

Related: 14 Powerful Masturbation Techniques and 9 Clitoral Stimulation Tips

Staying connected throughout matters too. Watch him stroking himself, then glance up for eye contact — remarkably intimate in this context. Reach out to touch his face, cheek, or abs, wherever you know he loves it.

Kissing plays a role here as well. Facing each other makes stealing a kiss easy. Read these 22 techniques for passionate kissing.

None of this is mandatory, though — skip the kissing, skip facing each other, whatever suits you. Maybe you drape a leg over him instead while masturbating side by side.

Giving A Handjob

Lending each other a hand works well too. Stroke his shaft, massage his balls. He can reach between your legs, especially satisfying if simultaneous clitoral and G-spot stimulation appeals to you. Lean into one another, trading pleasure back and forth.

Simple up-and-down strokes might seem obvious, but plenty of variation exists. With your hand wrapped around him, slide the skin up and down (assuming he's circumcised), twist your grip as you stroke, or use both hands to maintain constant contact along his shaft.

Get more ideas for masturbating your man.

Technique shifts a bit for an uncircumcised partner — gently test how far the foreskin moves, since tightness varies and yanking too hard can genuinely hurt. Looser skin gives you more room to work with.

When in doubt, just ask him directly how he likes it, or have him demonstrate.

Related: How to Give a Handjob

Lube genuinely elevates the experience here. Water-based lube tends to turn sticky, making it a poor fit for hand jobs — silicone lube works better since it resists drying out or getting tacky.

Without penetration in the mix, condoms aren't necessary, opening the door to oil-based lube too — a popular pick specifically for hand-based play. Just know it's incompatible with certain toys, covered shortly. No need to buy a specialty product either; plain coconut oil works perfectly well.

Learn more about the benefits of lube and how to choose it.

Tips for Him

Wouldn't want to leave anyone out! A few resources he can use to boost your pleasure during mutual masturbation:

• 8 Ways to Finger Yourself to Orgasm
• Masturbation Techniques for Women

Of course, directly telling your partner what feels good always works too [3, 4] — how else would he learn?

Find out how to talk about sex with your lover.

Honestly, there's no fixed script for mutual masturbation. Follow whatever feels good and right. Still, here are a few ideas worth trying.

1. Include Sex Toys

Plenty of women already lean on sex toys for solo masturbation. Maybe they haven't made an appearance during partnered sex yet — mutual masturbation is the perfect moment to bring out a favorite vibrator or dildo.

Read: How to Use a Vibrator

He might even enjoy feeling your go-to vibrator himself, if that's new territory for him.

Toys for him deserve a spot too. A stroker (sometimes called a masturbator or sleeve) fits in your hand and slides over his penis, functioning as a sort of artificial vagina. Smaller, softer designs tend to fit a single hand better, though two hands work just fine as well.

Tenga Eggs, popular single-use masturbators, come in various textures and features, while pricier reusable strokers last considerably longer.

Plenty of lube prevents uncomfortable friction here. Water-based lubes are safe across every toy material.

Oil-based lube, generally our pick for hand-only play, pairs fine with silicone toys (Doc Johnson's TruSkyn, for instance, is silicone), but avoid it with TPE/TPR materials (Cyberskin and Pure Skin toys fall here), jelly, rubber, PVC, or vinyl. Oil also degrades latex-based strokers over time.

Silicone lube suits high-quality silicone toys, though reactions with certain silicone products are possible. Spot-test near the toy's base, rubbing vigorously to check. Tackiness afterward means avoiding silicone lube with that particular toy going forward — and skip it entirely with porous materials like jelly, PVC, and TPR/TPRE.

2. Try It Over Cam or Phone

Physically apart from your partner? Mutual masturbation to the rescue! Fire up video chat or call him while masturbating, sharing the experience together regardless of distance. Phone or cam sex can feel a bit awkward initially, but plenty of couples end up loving it! This guide to phone sex and this one on video call sex should help ease you in.

3. Talk Dirty To Each Other

Masturbating together creates the perfect opening for dirty talk. Narrate exactly what you're doing and how it feels, or ask him to show you his preferred technique. If a power exchange dynamic already exists between you two, giving direct instructions might feel natural here too, leading nicely into the next point.

Nervousness about talking dirty is completely normal. Discover how to talk dirty and enjoy it!

4. Take Control

Directing exactly how he touches himself can feel hotter than expected. Instruct him to stroke his shaft a certain way, massage his balls (tips for giving testicle massage), or pinch his nipples. You get front-row viewing, and he breaks out of his usual routine.

Swapping roles adds its own fun too — never knowing what he'll ask of you might reveal exactly what he enjoys watching.

6. Fantasize

While masturbating together, sharing fantasies with him adds another layer entirely — maybe recounting an especially hot past encounter, a vivid sex dream, or a fantasy you haven't voiced to him before.

7. Add Porn

Watching porn together while masturbating is worth trying too, offering extra inspiration if simply watching each other isn't quite enough. Recreating something appealing from the screen is always an option too.

Reading erotica together works similarly — read aloud to him, have him read to you, or trade off to really build the energy.

8. One At a Time

Simultaneous masturbation isn't mandatory. Sometimes only one partner's in the mood, so the other simply watches. That might lead somewhere mutual, or it might not — either outcome is completely fine.

9. Simultaneous Orgasm

Coming together is a fun goal to chase, though genuinely tricky to pull off in practice. Whoever reaches orgasm more easily should aim to time it once they sense their partner getting close — paying attention to sounds and muscle tension offers good clues here.

Learn how to achieve simultaneous orgasm.

If multiple orgasms are within reach for you, squeezing in a couple before your partner finishes can make syncing up considerably easier.

Still, don't fixate too heavily on the orgasm itself. One of you might not finish, and that's entirely okay — focus on pleasure instead. It's genuinely about the journey, not strictly the destination.

And don't worry if mutual masturbation slides into full sex either — sometimes that's simply where things naturally go! Assuming there's no specific reason to avoid intercourse, mutual masturbation works beautifully as foreplay, keeps intimacy alive when sex isn't an option, or simply adds fresh spice to your existing sex life.

Resources

HelloFlo talks all about mutual masturbation.

Learn some of the risks of mutual masturbation from this page at Teens Advisor.

The webcomic OhJoySexToy offers pointers about mutual masturbation, or check out their comic about masturbating a penis.

Dr. Emily discusses the topic in this video.

Dangerous Lilly talks about the benefits of coconut oil as a lube and tests its compatibility with silicone.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Isn't mutual masturbation only for teens, gay couples or people who aren't ready to have sex?

Not at all! It's easy to forget mutual masturbation, and other non-penetrative activities, exist once penetrative sex becomes part of a relationship. Our culture tends to frame penetrative sex as the ultimate goal, often at the expense of other genuinely pleasurable activities (orgasms included). It's easy to lose sight of how satisfying mutual masturbation can be until circumstances force the issue, or until you make a deliberate effort to spice things up. No hierarchy of sexual activities actually exists [5].

Bottom line: if it feels good and you're into it, go for it!

FAQ #2 – Should I use lube?

Definitely! Lube can dramatically improve a hand job for him, and plenty of women love using it for clit stimulation or vulva massage too. Elevate your sessions with a favorite bottle — silicone-based formulas last especially long.

FAQ #3 – Is mutual massage safe?

Mutual masturbation offers a genuinely safer alternative to intercourse and functions as an infection-prevention behavior, particularly among men who have sex with men [6]. It also rules out pregnancy entirely as a concern [7].

STI transmission risk drops considerably too, since bodily fluids generally aren't exchanged. That said, skin abrasions combined with contact with a partner's fluids can still transmit infection [8, 9]. Research has even documented occasional HIV transmission through this activity [10].

HPV, meanwhile, spreads through close skin-to-skin contact regardless [11].

November 20, 2020