34 Submissive Guidelines to Deepen Your D/s Dynamic

It's easy to assume submissive rules exist purely to constrain the submissive, but really they serve both people in the dynamic. The submissive gets clarity on expectations and goals, while the dominant gets a framework for training, rewarding, and correcting behavior.

Combining rules for a submissive with tools like BDSM contracts lets you engage in safe, sane, and consensual play, whether you're only exploring power dynamics in the bedroom or living it as a full-time lifestyle. The same logic applies to consensual non-consent dynamics.

As noted, BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism) is strictly a sexual activity for some practitioners. Certain couples keep it to "bedroom-only" bondage. Others put on their submissive and dominant roles just for a scene or a kinky getaway.

Get the fundamentals of BDSM here.

That said, plenty of couples never take those roles off. They live in full-time domination and submission — total power exchange relationships — where the dynamic governs essentially all of their time together. Many consider this arrangement to go beyond simple Dominant/submissive labels, entering Master/slave territory instead.

More on TPE relationships is available here.

Why does the distinction matter?

If you fall into the first category of submissive, rules typically kick in when a scene begins and fade out once it ends. In 24/7 dynamics, the roles — and the rules tied to them — never really switch off, though they may shift when you're alone versus around people outside the BDSM lifestyle, such as kids or extended family. On top of that, M/s couples often extend their rule-making well past sexual and kinky territory into ordinary household matters.

What matters most is picking rules that suit you and your partner specifically, and being willing to revise them over time.

Learn: 23 behaviors and tips for being a great submissive.

Rules Compared to Protocols

If you spend time reading about D/s dynamics or engaging with the community, you'll likely run into the term "protocols." These are rules enforced in particular settings or communities, and functionally overlap a lot with rules generally — covering things like honorifics, greetings, dress, symbols, and speech patterns.

Thinking in terms of low, medium, and high protocol can help you figure out when different rules should apply.

• High protocol governs formal events like structured dinners. These are the strictest rules, dictating speech restrictions, expected phrasing, and serving duties.
• Medium protocol applies during public gatherings and play, and might mean prioritizing the D/s dynamic over regular socializing, including how a submissive interacts with other dominants present.
• Low protocol is the most laid-back tier, used in casual or non-kink settings. Boundaries still apply, but relaxed behavior is fine so long as the submissive stays mindful of the dynamic and any specific requests. Even in everyday temptation, submissives remain accountable to their protocols and their dominant.

You can also build "invisible protocols" — rules subtle enough to blend into a vanilla setting undetected by outsiders — when you want to honor your dynamic discreetly. Letting your dominant order for you at a restaurant, or waiting for their cue before eating, are good examples. Think of invisible protocols as a private shorthand between the two of you.

Building Your Own Rule Set

Many kink and BDSM practitioners are remarkably open about their desires and limits, submissive rules included — arguably something vanilla couples could stand to learn from too. Honest conversation keeps both partners safe and fulfilled, and it's entirely reasonable to ask for a written rule set before agreeing to any BDSM relationship or scene.

These rules can stay casual — a verbal understanding is enough for some — or you might formalize them in detail as part of a written BDSM contract. Despite how official that sounds, a contract doesn't have to be an exhaustive rulebook; often it's just a single page both partners sign off on. Learn more about BDSM contracts here.

As tempting as it may be to layer in tons of rules right away, moderation matters. Working memory — the short-term system that manages information needed for cognitive tasks [1, 2, 3] like remembering these rules — has real limits [4]. Push past that limit and learning suffers, a principle known as cognitive load theory that should inform how any instructional system, including yours, gets designed [5].

One practical fix: introduce just one to three rules at a time. Once those feel second nature — whether in scenes or daily life — add another batch of one to three. Break down more complex instructions into smaller, digestible steps.

On the topic of submissive training, author and kink educator Jay Wiseman cautions about the emotional weight it can place on both partners, and how to handle it responsibly [6 p 252]:

Training can be an exceptionally intense process, often deeply affecting the minds and hearts of both trainer and trainee. Even if enjoyable, too much intensity at any one time is disorienting and threatening. This may scare off even an eager submissive (or dominant).

For this reason, I recommend that training be conducted in relatively short sessions, usually lasting no more than an hour or two at a time, and that only a small amount of new material be introduced in each training session.

I also recommend that the dominant let a day elapse between training sessions, thus giving the submissive (and the dominant) more time to adjust to and accept the emotional effects of training. It also allows the submissive time to review, practice, and integrate the new material before they learn more.

Though it's not the most glamorous task, tracking your rules in a log can help you both remember them and identify when and how a rule got broken. Following rules is only half the equation — the dominant also needs to stay attentive and address slip-ups.

You'll likely find that some rules simply don't hold up in real life and need tweaking to become workable.

Baseline Submissive Rules for a Healthy Relationship

Here are some fundamental rules that lay healthy groundwork for your D/s relationship.

Note: Fifty Shades of Grey might fuel some fun fantasies, but it's a poor blueprint for crafting your actual sub rules.

Honestly, most of these apply to any relationship at all, kinky or not — and you should question a relationship with anyone who won't honor them. If your dynamic stays fairly casual, you may not need to go beyond this baseline.

1. The sub commits to staying open-minded.
2. The sub communicates honestly, respectfully, and clearly with their dom — even when disagreeing with a rule or request, unable to fulfill it, or worried about letting the dominant down.
3. The submissive maintains self-awareness.
4. The submissive prioritizes their own physical and mental wellbeing.
5. The submissive participates entirely by choice.
6. The submissive's limits are honored.

Submissive Rules for Safe, Sane, Consensual Play

Once you've got the basics down and start venturing into kink and BDSM proper, these additional rules can help.

1. The submissive freely consents to the D/s dynamic and any BDSM activity, and understands the mechanisms for withdrawing that consent (safe words, ending an agreement, etc). We've also got an in-depth guide to sexual consent and how to revoke it.
2. The sub refrains from covertly steering the scene — sometimes called topping from the bottom or from below [6 p 249]. Read more about topping from the bottom.
3. The submissive trusts their dominant to look after their wellbeing during and after a scene (or throughout the entire relationship in TPE), and trusts that care to be reflected in every expectation, request, and rule.
4. The submissive has and uses a safe word whenever needed. More on safe words is available here.
5. The submissive follows the dominant's instructions to the best of their ability — barring anything harmful — in a way that reflects well on the relationship.
6. The sub accepts discipline from their dom.

By the way, wondering what other duties a submissive might take on? See this guide to being submissive for a husband or boyfriend.

Rules for Scenes and Play Sessions

The rules that apply before and during play build directly on what's already been covered.

1. The submissive cleans, preps (learn how to prepare for anal sex), and grooms per their dom's instructions ahead of playtime.
2. The sub presents themselves for inspection in a designated position.
3. The sub requests permission before masturbating, and may need to document and share the experience with the dom.
4. The sub asks permission before orgasming.
5. The submissive follows whatever direction the dom gives throughout the scene.
6. The sub uses the correct honorifics and responds to their assigned scene name.

Rules for Day-to-Day Submissive Behavior

Couples whose BDSM extends past the bedroom often build rules around otherwise "ordinary" daily routines. These differ from play-session rules since they may have nothing to do with sex or kink directly. Living situations matter here too — couples who don't cohabit, or who share space with kids or roommates, may need to adapt these (using photos or videos as check-ins, for instance).

1. The sub wears a collar or another symbol of ownership at all times, potentially swapping styles between private and public settings. See the full meaning behind wearing a collar.
2. The submissive uses the agreed honorific for their dominant and answers to their assigned nickname or title.
3. The submissive kneels whenever their dominant enters or exits a room, and crawls in their dominant's presence.
4. The sub keeps their gaze lowered, avoiding eye contact unless given permission.
5. The submissive serves their dominant food and drinks first, potentially preparing meals themselves.
6. The submissive maintains their appearance — hair, makeup, clothing, grooming — according to their dom's preferences.
7. The sub lets their dominant order on their behalf at restaurants.
8. The sub asks permission for bodily needs, including eating or using the restroom.
9. The sub only wears clothing selected or approved by their dominant.
10. The submissive follows an exercise regimen set by the dom, including Kegel exercises.
11. The sub keeps the home in line with the dom's standards.
12. The sub responds promptly, with acceptable response windows varying by communication method (text versus face-to-face, for instance).
13. The sub avoids unapproved purchases, or caps spending below an agreed limit.
14. The sub keeps a daily journal for the dominant to review, whether shared in person or via text/email.
15. The sub masturbates nightly and sends photographic proof to the dom.
16. The sub wears Ben Wa balls (learn more about Ben Wa balls) for a set stretch of time each day.

Naturally, some rules only apply situationally rather than every day — wearing a wireless vibrator on date nights or during certain outings, for example. Some couples even assign themes to specific days, like a playful "Taco Tuesday."

Tailoring Rules to Your Relationship

Everything above reflects common practices among Dom/sub couples and kinksters generally — it's a starting point, not a complete list. Your relationship may call for entirely unique rules we haven't covered here.

It's also true that not every rule fits every couple or scenario. A rule that works beautifully for another submissive, couple, or even the majority of people doesn't obligate you to adopt it. Feel free to modify anything to better match your living situation or physical capabilities.

Rules also need to be financially realistic. It's unreasonable for a dominant to demand salon-quality hair, regular manicures, or professional waxing from a sub partner who can't afford those things. Many dominants cover costs themselves when a rule they've set comes with a price tag.

Related: The complete guide to Brazilian waxing

Too many rules is a real risk – As touched on above, overloading a rule set is entirely possible. Cram in too many, and you risk forgetting some or creating contradictions between them. Sticking with broad, simple guidelines rather than a dense list tends to make rules easier for a submissive to retain and for a dominant to enforce consistently.

Some practitioners hold that six rules is roughly the sweet spot. Still, there's no hard cap — just make sure whatever number you choose is something you can realistically remember and follow.

Enforcement Isn't Optional

We've stressed repeatedly that rules only work if they're enforced — meaning the dominant partner has to actually track what their submissive does, and how, in order to reward or correct it. Without that attentiveness, what's the point? Rules get broken with zero consequence, and any real effort a submissive makes to please their partner risks going unnoticed.

Enforcement essentially comes down to two tools: rewarding good behavior and disciplining poor behavior. Just like the rules themselves, both need to be realistic and meaningful to the particular submissive — and possibly to the dominant too, depending on their dom style. A gift as a reward falls flat if what that submissive actually craves is affection or sexual release instead. That's exactly why dominants should ask their submissives for input.

Rewarding Submissives

People tend to fixate on punishment, but there's real merit to the old saying about honey versus vinegar. Studies suggest reward-based approaches often outperform punishment at reinforcing desired behavior [7], and there's good reason to think the same holds for submissive rule-following within BDSM.

Rewards generally fall into categories like:

• Verbal praise (ideal for anyone with a praise fetish)
• A risqué photo, recording, or video
• Affection — hugs, cuddling, forehead kisses, a special nickname
• Sexual release or orgasm, potentially including receiving their partner's cum
• Being released from a chastity device
• Gifts — jewelry, clothing, makeup, food, collars, sex toys, BDSM gear, or something off a wishlist
• Outings, dates, or events
• Downtime or a break from regular duties
• Their favorite kind of scene or play
• A massage

The most fitting reward can be surprisingly imaginative or even seemingly minor. Someone with a foot fetish might feel fully rewarded just by admiring a stiletto or catching the scent of a leather boot on their partner's foot.

Check out other ways to satisfy a foot fetish.

Dominants who have trouble conveying warmth might want to focus on tone of voice — as much as 38% of communicated meaning comes through tone alone [8, 9, 10]. A warm, proud "good girl" can go a long way. A submissive genuinely wants their partner's approval, which is exactly why praise works so well as a motivator.

Facial expressions carry emotional weight too [12, 13], so make sure your expression lines up with your tone and words.

Don't confuse these rewards with aftercare, though. Aftercare is whatever a submissive (or dominant) needs to recenter after a scene, and skipping it can leave someone mentally and physically off-balance.

Read More: What Is BDSM Aftercare?

Rewards also don't need to follow the same timing as punishment, which usually comes right after an infraction. A reward might be given instantly, or deliberately held back and built up into something bigger for consistently good behavior. Spacing rewards out helps preserve their value — hand them out too often, and their impact fades.

Some rewards make the most sense tied to meaningful dates, like an anniversary. And for submissives going through structured training, a dominant might mark milestones with a small ceremony and a fitting reward — not unlike proposing marriage with a ring.

Whatever timing a dominant settles on, consistency and reliability matter most. Some dominants like a formal point system, letting a submissive "cash in" points once they hit a certain threshold. Apps like OurHome or ChoreMonster can simplify tracking rewards and discipline, though old-fashioned gold star stickers work just as well.

Disciplining Submissives

Sometimes a partner slips up or fails to complete a submissive task, and some form of discipline becomes necessary.

That said —

Don't mix up pleasure with punishment. If your submissive genuinely enjoys spanking (read more on spanking here), or if it's already part of your regular play outside of rule violations, it's a poor choice for discipline.

The list below is a good jumping-off point.

• Withholding orgasm or sexual release/masturbation; edging (deliberately imperfect stimulation); a ruined orgasm
• Repeated forced orgasms
• Blocking access to the partner's orgasm or cum
• A writing assignment — lines, or a reflective letter about the mistake and its consequence
• Chores, potentially performed cuffed at the wrists or ankles, or while kneeling
• Impact play — spanking, caning, flogging, whipping, etc.
• Losing privileges (screen time, eating at the table) or items (snacks, a collar)
• Wearing uncomfortable clothing, makeup, or hairstyles (going without underwear, wearing diapers under a skirt)
• Sensory deprivation
• Physically demanding positions — kneeling on rice, standing on one leg, bending over in heels with arms extended
• Standing with hands raised overhead
• Clamps
• Hot sauce, Tiger Balm, or ginger (a practice called figging) applied to genitals or the anus
• Time-out or standing in a corner
• Eating something unpleasant
• Holding a coin against a wall using only their nose
• Standing with a pencil under the ball of their foot

Find more BDSM punishment ideas here.

Some of these might look mild on paper but prove surprisingly difficult to endure past a few minutes. It's smart for a dominant to try the discipline themselves first to judge whether it's appropriate and for how long. Oversight from the dominant throughout is essential to keep it safe and effective.

For dominants: 162 dominant phrases to use with your submissive.

For submissives: 103 submissive phrases to say to your Dominant.

A note on discipline: Punishment should always match the severity of the infraction, aim to correct behavior and teach something, and never stem from anger. Never discipline a submissive for something they weren't aware was a rule. And if punishment ever leaves a submissive questioning their worth as a person or partner, or shakes their faith in the relationship itself, that's no longer discipline — that's abuse.

Keep in mind that all BDSM activity is consensual and freely chosen, with punishment itself functioning as a kind of "theatrical" performance [14], and that healthy BDSM practice has been shown to benefit both partners involved [15]. Because safety, empathy, and mutual consent define the BDSM community's standards [16], discipline must never actually harm the submissive. Whatever you're doing — punishment or ordinary kink — remember: it's fine to cause pain, but never harm.

To keep discipline fair and effective, dominant and submissive can brainstorm consequences together, either generally or for a specific slip-up. Discipline often lands better when the submissive helps gather materials or set the scene themselves.

Managing Attention-Seeking Behavior

You'll notice both rewards and discipline hinge on the dominant paying close attention to the submissive. That's exactly why a submissive who feels under-noticed — or simply craves more attention — sometimes acts out: even getting punished means getting noticed. And really, who doesn't want their partner's attention?

A perceptive dominant learns to spot this pattern and knows better than to reward it. Still, persistent attention-seeking might point to a deeper relationship issue, and both partners may need to make changes to address it.

Rules for a submissive can push their growth forward while helping a dominant develop too. Layering in the rules, rewards, and discipline discussed here — or crafting your own — can build a richer, more intimate connection, both in and out of the bedroom.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Why bother with rules for submissives at all?

These rules give shape to how you'll behave, whether mid-scene or in daily life, and serve as a visible expression of your submission and commitment to your partner. They're not one-sided, either — they give you clear, actionable ways to please your partner and track your own progress.

FAQ #2 – What if I disagree with a rule?

Rules are meant to serve you both, so ideally you'd agree on all of them together. ​In the best scenario, you help draft the rules you're expected to follow, though in some relationships built on deep trust, the dominant partner may set every rule themselves.

If your partner won't collaborate on rules, or insists on ones you haven't agreed to — especially ones that feel unsafe or unrealistic, particularly early in a relationship — that's a sign to reconsider the match. Submission means handing over control, and it's the dominant's responsibility to protect that trust rather than exploit it.

Related: How to Be a Dominant

This also means rules need to work for the dominant's side of things — they have to be willing to put in the effort to observe behavior and follow through with rewards or discipline. If a dominant finds certain rules too demanding to enforce, simplifying them is worth considering. Not everyone is naturally cut out to be a dominant, either.

Learn: How to Be a Dom.

FAQ #3 – What separates a good rule from a bad one?

A solid rule is realistic — something actually achievable. It should also be measurable in some concrete way, since otherwise there's no clear signal for whether it's being followed, or grounds for reward or discipline. An overly vague rule can even become a tool for manipulation (see above).

FAQ #4 – Are rules allowed to change?

Definitely. People and relationships evolve. Interests can fade or expand as you explore your sexuality and submission further. Any healthy long-term relationship — Dom/sub, romantic, or otherwise — needs room to renegotiate its rules and boundaries over time.

Resources

The New Bottoming Book covers submission and masochism in depth.

Elizabeth Cramer's Submissive Training is a well-reviewed title focused specifically on training and rule structures rather than general BDSM overview.

Jay Wiseman's SM101 touches on foundational training concepts in its D/s Interactions chapter.

January 30, 2021