First-Time Sex: Read This Before You Dive In

So you're considering sleeping with someone for the first time. Maybe you're crazy about your boyfriend, or a charming guy has been putting in the effort. Or maybe plain curiosity has taken over and you just want to know what all the fuss is about. Whatever brought you here, you've made up your mind that you're ready.

Your debut in the bedroom can shape the rest of your sex life, for better or worse. When you take the wheel of your own sexual experiences, you're far more likely to get what you actually want and to pick the right person to share it with. But if you're doing this to please someone else, or you're too scared to speak up for yourself, you might miss out on what sex can really offer.

Luckily, we've got you covered. Before you take the plunge, run through these seven checkpoints to set yourself up for a great experience.

1. Exploration

For a lot of people, their first sexual encounter with a partner doubles as their first real exploration of their own body. That's fine, but it doesn't have to be that way. Here at Love Curi, we're huge fans of solo play. Masturbation doesn't just feel good on its own — it teaches you what your body responds to, and you can pass that knowledge along to a partner for a far better shared experience.

Start with a refresher on female anatomy. From there, dig into clitoral stimulation and the G-spot orgasm. It might take some practice to figure it all out, and that's completely normal!

2. Foreplay

In the rush of finally having sex for the first time, a lot of people skip right past foreplay. But warming up first pays off, whether it's your first time or your fiftieth. It relaxes you and helps your body produce natural lubrication in response to arousal — both of which make penetration easier and less painful, especially the first time around. The tenser you are, the rougher that first experience is likely to feel.

Foreplay lets you settle into the moment, connect with your partner and build intimacy. It also triggers the hormones responsible for that good sex feeling. Your very first time might be uncomfortable or forgettable, but foreplay gives you something extra to hold onto. You might not climax, but you can still let your partner focus entirely on you through oral, manual touch or a slow, sensual massage. Check out our Foreplay Guide for more.

3. Privacy

Privacy matters every time you have sex, and your first time is no exception. If you're stressed about getting caught or running out of time, you'll likely rush through it or feel on edge. That tension can easily turn into an uncomfortable or unsatisfying experience, which might sour you on the whole idea.

If your own home doesn't offer much privacy, you have other options. Plenty of teenagers end up having their first time in a car — awkward, but doable. Booking a hotel room is another route. And if money's tight, you might have a friend willing to lend you their space so you can have some privacy for the occasion.

4. Discussion

Talking about sex can feel awkward, but it will make a real difference to your sex life, whether this is encounter number one or number one hundred. Communicating with a new partner — who might also be inexperienced — matters even more, since it builds comfort and makes sure you're both on the same page.

Be prepared to voice what you want (if you already know) and to speak up if something feels off. Our guide to sexual communication is a solid starting point for learning how to discuss sex with a partner. And if your partner isn't willing to listen or talk it through, keep reading.

5. The Right Partner

We won't tell you to hold out for some "perfect" guy before having sex for the first time, because perfect doesn't exist. We also won't tell you to save yourself for marriage or a single partner — sex is meant to be enjoyed, and you deserve to enjoy it whenever and with whomever you choose.

That said, picking the right person for your first encounter (and every one after) will shape your sex life and how you see your own sexuality. The right partner is someone you can trust with both your body and your feelings. Don't say yes to anyone who pressures you or brushes off what you want.

You also shouldn't choose someone who'll disappear afterward if you're hoping for something more. Trust matters here because sex is a vulnerable act well beyond just taking your clothes off. If you suspect he'd shame you afterward (more on that here), look elsewhere. Someone who'd brag to his friends or spread rumors about sleeping with you isn't the right pick for your first time.

That said, if you're purely looking to lose your virginity without emotional attachment, you can afford to be a little less picky. Just make sure whoever you're with understands what the moment means to you.

6. Safer Sex

Safer sex is a non-negotiable conversation to have with your partner beforehand. That means talking about pregnancy prevention, like birth control. You may already be on it for health reasons or because you planned ahead.

Condoms also guard against pregnancy — especially paired with another birth control method — and they help stop the spread of STIs like HPV, which affects up to 75% of sexually active people at some point in their lives.

Before sex, find out your partner's STI status. If he's had other partners before you, encourage him to get tested, even without visible symptoms.

7. Realistic Expectations

Perhaps the single best piece of advice for anyone about to have sex for the first time: keep your expectations grounded. It probably won't be the painful disaster some people warned you about. It also won't come with beams of sunlight and a choir of angels.

It's almost certainly not going to resemble the polished, sultry scenes from movies or TV — and porn is even further from reality. Remember, those are scripted performances built for the camera, with perfect lighting and music doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Still, nothing's stopping you from dimming the lights and queuing up something sexy. Browse our song suggestions.

Realistically, most women land somewhere in the middle. It might be a bit underwhelming. If your partner lacks experience, it probably won't last as long as you'd need to reach orgasm. Expect a little awkwardness, and be ready to laugh it off — these things happen.

Either way, there's no need to build sex up into some enormous milestone in your mind. At the same time, don't dismiss it as meaningless — for most people, a first sexual experience really is a significant moment.

Keep in mind your partner might be every bit as nervous as you, especially if it's his first time too or he's still green. While you might worry about your body or perceived flaws — which can fuel sexual anxiety — he's got his own set of insecurities and worries. That's exactly why choosing the right partner and talking beforehand can ease the pressure on you both.

First-time sex can genuinely change how you see things, in a good way. Sometimes it's simply a relief to have it behind you. It might be something you regret, or something you feel completely neutral about. It might just be fun. None of these reactions are wrong — but following the advice above will boost your odds of a great first experience.

January 17, 2021