How To Turn A Girl On: 1 Overlooked Key To Hyper-Arousal

Men and women get turned on in fundamentally different ways. Plenty of things that light guys up do nothing for women, and vice versa. Three broad patterns sum it up well...

1. Most guys respond to visual cues, which explains porn's popularity among men. Women lean the opposite way, responding more to emotional connection and imagination, which explains why 50 Shades of Grey and romance novels sell so well to women.
2. Nearly any guy gets instantly aroused seeing a woman in stripper heels and a thong, stranger or not. Flip it around, and an anonymous guy in a G-string rarely has that effect on women, more likely to send them running regardless of his looks. Put that same guy in a well-tailored suit, though, and don't be surprised if she's swooning.
3. Plenty of guys are drawn to a giggly, overly forward woman who laughs at every joke. Women tend to feel the opposite, an overly forward guy giggling along usually reads as creepy, not charming.

These examples highlight real, meaningful differences between what turns men on versus women, understanding them is essential if you want to genuinely turn a girl on. These insights may matter far more than commonly hyped topics like lasting longer in bed.

Plenty of guys already sense this intuitively. What trips them up is knowing HOW TO ACTUALLY USE these differences to turn their partner on and deliver incredible sex.

Here's the typical process for how men get turned on:

• They see something they find hot
• Or they hear something they find hot
• Or they simply think about something they find hot...

And that's often enough, they're turned on and ready to go.

Here's the typical process for women:

• Certain Brakes first need removing before arousal is even possible (stress, hormonal shifts, shame, guilt, feeling unattractive, etc).
• Then something genuinely arousing needs to happen (a romantic partner, someone who clearly cares, a sensual memory, a bath, candles, erotica, massage, kissing, a little wine, etc).
• Only then does she feel ready and genuinely eager for sex.

Breaking it down this way makes it obvious: women typically need all three stages to fully let go, get aroused, and enjoy truly great sex with their partner.

Step 1 – Remove The Brakes To Her Sex Drive

Women commonly face a number of Brakes standing between them and arousal. Skipping straight to Steps 2 and 3 without addressing these first is largely pointless. Below, I'll walk through what these Brakes are and how to work through them.

Step 2 – Amplify The Accelerators To Her Sex Drive

As mentioned, women respond to a whole set of triggers that barely register for men. I'll cover exactly what those are and how to use them in Step 2.

Step 3 – 73 Techniques For Overwhelming Pleasure

Nail Step 1 (the page you're on now) and Step 2, and she should be tearing your clothes off, fully ready for sex. From there, you'll learn how to eat her out, make her squirt, finger her, and deliver the most intense orgasms of her life in Step 3.

Let's start with Step 1...

Step 1 – Remove The Brakes To Her Sex Drive

This is, hands down, the most crucial step for getting her genuinely turned on and craving sex more than ever, BUT...

and this is a big but...

it's also the hardest, and honestly, sometimes the least exciting part.

Get this right, and you'll be having noticeably better, more frequent sex.

BUT...

skip it, and everything you try in Steps 2 and 3 will land with far less impact.

Let's get into it.

Extensive research exists on the female arousal process [1, 2, 3, 4]. For most women, the very first thing they need isn't the kind of foreplay guys tend to enjoy, they need to be receptive to it in the first place. So set aside kissing, dirty talk, and sexting for now, we'll circle back to all that fun stuff later.

First, let's break down these "Brakes" standing in the way of arousal...

Research shows people carry both sexual Brakes, everything that dampens desire in the moment, and sexual Accelerators, everything that reminds them they're sexual beings and sparks arousal (you won't believe what women told us turns them on). This framework is called the dual-control model [5, 6].

If you're like most men, with hair-trigger Accelerators and relatively insensitive Brakes, arousal comes easily.

But if your partner's like most women, her Brakes are typically more sensitive (even alongside a perfectly responsive Accelerator) [7 p 47], which can look like low or nonexistent desire from the outside. In reality, she just needs help releasing those Brakes first. Understanding this is essential to figuring out how to turn her on.

Sexual Brakes aren't always obvious, we'll get into specifics shortly.

Sexual Accelerators cover anything that sparks arousal, and foreplay absolutely qualifies for both men and women. The catch, as mentioned, is that women's Brakes tend to be far more sensitive while men's Accelerators dominate. Jump straight to Accelerator-focused moves without addressing what's holding her back first, and it's like flooring the gas with the parking brake still engaged. You won't get far.

So the essential first move is loosening or removing whatever's braking her arousal. Picture her horniness locked away in a maximum-security facility, and your job is the jailbreak. Instead of literal bars or cuffs, though, you're up against a set of psychological and situational Brakes.

So what exactly are these Brakes, and more importantly, how do you release them?

Stress

Stress ranks among the biggest Brakes on a woman's sex drive and her ability to get in the mood [8]. It can even dull genital sensation and make sex more painful [9].

Stress shows up from countless sources, work, family responsibilities, friendships. Even your relationship itself can be a stressor. A partner fixated on female ejaculation, for instance, can add pressure that makes it less likely to happen.

Sometimes the source is glaringly obvious, a lost job, a sick child, a car accident. More often, though, it's subtler, an unkind comment about her work presentation, a friend forgetting to invite her somewhere, disappointment about not hitting some career milestone by a certain age.

Helping her de-stress is the real key to releasing this Brake, and it can take many forms.

Stress At Home – If household responsibilities, kids, chores, are wearing her down, think about ways to lighten that load. Could you hire part-time childcare? Handle it yourself sometimes? Bring in help around the house? Even one night a week with a babysitter can meaningfully ease the pressure.

Stress At Work – The same logic applies professionally. Work-related exhaustion makes unwinding, let alone getting aroused, much harder. This one's trickier to solve directly, working less or taking time off isn't realistic for everyone. Instead, look for ways to lighten her load elsewhere, taking over a chore she usually handles, or finding other small ways to make her evenings easier.

Other Sources of Stress – Family and career pressures are the two biggest culprits, but stress can come from anywhere. This isn't meant to be a comprehensive stress-management manual, but here are some concrete solutions if your partner's dealing with it.

Solutions For Stress

Meditation – Multiple studies confirm meditation lowers perceived stress to varying degrees [10, 11, 12, 13]. Mindfulness, a closely related practice, helps with stress coping too [14, 15, 16], and it's linked to improved sexual function too [17, 18, 19].

Cutting back on stimulants like caffeine or harder substances that fuel stress – Research on stimulants shows elevated physiological stress via cortisol [20]. Not always harmful, but scale back if you notice rising psychological stress. Stimulants can also disrupt sleep [21], compounding the problem.

Better sleep habits – Sleep and stress feed each other in both directions [22] [23]. Break the cycle with solid sleep hygiene, consistent bedtimes, a dark room, no screens beforehand, skipping caffeine or heavy meals late, and staying active during the day [24].

Yoga – This blend of stretching, breathwork, and meditation has strong evidence behind it for stress reduction [25, 26, 27].

Nature walks – A 2010 study found lower blood cortisol, a stress marker, after time spent walking in nature [28]. Head to a park or somewhere green together.

Talking it through – "A problem shared is a problem halved" holds real weight. Confiding in someone genuinely lightens the emotional load, part of why strong friendships correlate so strongly with wellbeing. Research backs this too, one study found reduced stress after counseling [29], and another found "seeking help" and "expressing feelings" among the most effective coping strategies [30].

Improving her diet – The diet-stress link is real, even if it's not always obvious. Diet directly affects stress levels [31], and poor eating habits can compound stress through downstream health issues [32]. Consider tackling healthier eating together.

Getting a massage – Massage reliably lowers stress and boosts relaxation [33, 34]. Professional sessions add up in cost, but a massage at home works too, and beyond stress relief, touch itself builds intimacy and arousal.

Get tips for giving a super sensual massage.

Cutting stressors where possible – The most effective fix is often just eliminating stress at the source. There's no universal formula since stressors vary endlessly, but a job switch, hired help at home, fewer outside obligations, or better financial habits can all meaningfully lower baseline stress.

It might also help to remind her there's no reward for enduring high stress, happiness is the far better prize.

Building coping skills for what can't be avoided – Some stress simply can't be eliminated, aging parents, kids, demanding careers. In those cases, coping matters more than elimination. Research shows problem-focused coping lowers stress levels [36]. That can mean meditation, counseling, better time management, direct conversations at work, or resolving relationship friction.

Whatever you choose, avoiding stress altogether can actually backfire and increase it [37].

Feeling Taken For Granted

Everyone feels taken for granted occasionally, not unique to women, but for women specifically, it becomes a genuine Brake on desire.

You might read this thinking you're the exception who never does this, but realistically, everyone slips into it sometimes. And her not complaining doesn't mean she isn't feeling it. Here are a few common, illustrative examples.

1. Say she's a stay-at-home parent, managing the kids and running the household without pay or benefits, arguably more demanding than a traditional job. Treat her like she's living an easy life while you're the "real" breadwinner, and she's almost certainly feeling taken for granted.

2. Any time she's putting effort into self-improvement, for herself, you, or the relationship, acknowledge it.

3. Any time you notice quiet effort on her part that goes unmentioned, recognizing it goes a long way.

Beyond simple acknowledgment, proactively ask whether she ever feels taken for granted, then genuinely make an effort to notice what she does for you and everyone around her. This alone dismantles a lot of this particular Brake.

Recognizing this feeling connects closely to the next Brake.

Feeling Misunderstood

Feeling truly understood by a partner matters enormously to most (not all) women. It's the sense that someone genuinely gets why she feels a certain way about things. Feeling like you have zero insight into her inner world becomes a real Brake on her desire.

A few examples...

1. You understand why she's not a fan of a certain coworker, or a "frenemy" in her friend group.

2. You understand her insecurities around something meaningful, her body, her education, her career trajectory.

3. You understand why something from years ago still affects her today.

Feeling understood builds comfort and connection, both essential ingredients for her arousal.

Nobody understands everything about a partner perfectly, but at minimum, listening closely and genuinely trying counts for a lot.

Trust

A trust deficit can become a major Brake on her sex drive. Trust underpins comfort, vulnerability, and letting go.

There's no universal trust-building formula since everyone weighs different traits differently, but common ones include:

• Honesty.
• Transparency.
• Patience.
• Consistency, following through on your word.
• No games.
• No manipulation.
• Willingness to discuss hard topics without jumping to judgment.
• Trusting her in return.

Once this Brake lifts and real trust builds, relaxing, and therefore getting aroused and reaching orgasm, becomes significantly easier for her.

Lowering her stress, making her feel valued, ensuring she feels understood, and building deep trust are the harder-to-pin-down issues that function as major Brakes on her desire.

They're not always simple fixes, but they're essential if you want her genuinely turned on more easily and often. Next up are Brakes that are, thankfully, a bit more straightforward to address.

Understanding Her Menstrual Cycle

Like most mammals, women experience heightened fertility, and a corresponding desire shift, around ovulation [38]. Researchers have documented a "sexual phase" many women experience around this window [39, 40]. It's subtler than in many other mammals, but it's measurable. Ovulation typically falls at the cycle's midpoint.

You can help track this together, via app or manual counting. Count from day one of her period to the day before her next one starts, then divide by two, that's roughly ovulation. A 30-day cycle, for example, puts ovulation around day 15.

Desire tends to dip lowest right before her period during PMS [41]. Cramps and physical discomfort are a real Brake here too, though certainly not unique to women, physical pain lowers desire across genders [42], but often more so for women. Pelvic-specific pain can make sex outright impossible in ways men rarely experience.

One cause of pain during sex is simply a well-endowed partner, so penis size may be worth considering if she's experiencing discomfort.

Worth noting, some women feel notably hornier right before or even during their period [43].

Related: Sex On Her Period, How To Keep It Hot, Fun & Clean

You can't pause her cycle, but understanding this natural Brake helps you plan around it or support her through the tougher days.

Menopause

Most women going through menopause experience a notable dip in desire. Menopause is defined by declining estrogen levels [44], which acts as a significant Brake through reduced touch sensitivity and blood flow to erogenous areas, making arousal genuinely harder to reach.

Post-menopause, regular sex is one of the best natural ways to maintain blood flow and arousal capacity. Hormone therapy has also shown benefits for maintaining libido and sensitivity in some women.

Exercise

Research consistently shows exercise boosts sex drive across age groups [45]. Sex fundamentally runs on blood flow and mind-body connection, both of which exercise supports, alongside self-esteem and physical confidence.

A sedentary lifestyle is a genuine Brake. That said, overtraining can backfire too, an overly intense regimen leaves the body too depleted for sex, redirecting resources toward recovery instead. The CDC recommends at least 150 minutes of moderate activity weekly, roughly 30 minutes, 5 days a week, plus 2 days of strength training [46].

Past Trauma

Experiencing or witnessing sexual assault can leave a woman uneasy with a partner [47]. That nervous energy functions as a Brake, restricting blood flow to erogenous zones and blocking serotonin release, which normally boosts happiness and estrogen production.

Non-sexual trauma can produce similar, if milder, effects on desire.

Patience and professional therapy are the two pillars of working through either kind of trauma. Support a structured treatment process, and build comfort gradually, starting in entirely non-sexual contexts.

Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can stem from multiple overlapping sources and acts as a particularly stubborn Brake. Sexual trauma, mentioned above, is one source. Religious belief, personal conviction, and social pressure often play a role too. Shame frequently triggers physical anxiety [48], which in turn lowers desire.

These sources, religion, personal belief, social pressure, are often deeply intertwined, and sexually liberated women are frequently judged unfavorably across all of them, sometimes by the very same people.

If shame traces back to trauma, professional support is usually the best path. Shame from other sources can be approached similarly, or gently, by introducing alternative viewpoints over time.

Ultimately, she needs to reach her own conclusions about her sexuality, never force a new belief on her. It typically backfires anyway, often making her cling harder to existing beliefs.

Birth-Related Complications

Roughly 10-15% of women experience postpartum hemorrhaging [49], most often following a C-section, often tied to the uterus losing its ability to contract properly, sometimes connected to weakened vaginal muscles.

Prolapse is another possible postpartum condition, where weakened muscles let the bladder press into the vaginal wall, sometimes complicating waste elimination, though straining should be avoided.

Even without medical complications, desire can dip postpartum. "Baby blues" or postpartum depression (PPD) from hormonal shifts is a common cause. PPD affects roughly 1 in 9 women [50], though many are hesitant to disclose it. Left untreated, it can seriously affect both partners, and the baby.

Estrogen also drops postpartum and during breastfeeding, often causing vaginal dryness and less pleasurable sex [51, 52, 53]. Significant post-pregnancy body changes can also damage self-esteem, another major Brake.

Any of these warrants an immediate doctor's visit. Both hemorrhaging and prolapse can escalate if ignored, and postpartum depression carries serious risk if left untreated. Absent a need for intensive medical treatment, Kegel exercises to rebuild pelvic strength are usually the best path forward.

Learn more about Kegel exercises.

Other Common Health-Related Brakes

Weight – Obesity [54] can significantly dampen desire. In many cases, the body struggles to regulate hormones tied to sexual pleasure [55], and weight-related self-esteem issues often compound the problem.

Diabetes – Poorly controlled blood sugar correlates with yeast infections [56, 57] and nerve damage leading to vaginal dryness [58, 59, 60, 61], both of which make sex physically uncomfortable and dampen desire.

Depression – In 2016, roughly 16.2 million American adults experienced a depressive episode, women more often than men [62], and 1 in 6 people will experience depression at some point [63].

Depression originates in the brain, which also regulates sex hormone release. A depressed brain often withholds the hormones tied to arousal, functioning as a Brake in itself.

Neurological conditions – Any brain-affecting condition can dampen libido and arousal, since the relevant hormones are partly brain-regulated, and neurological dysfunction can disrupt that release [64]. One study found low desire was the most common sexual dysfunction among women with depression [65].

Any of these conditions warrants a prompt doctor's visit, professional treatment or lifestyle changes may be necessary.

Medications And Substances

Antidepressants – Depression itself lowers libido, and so can its treatment. SSRIs help retain serotonin ("happy hormone") but frequently cause reduced desire and arousal as a side effect [66, 67]. Counterintuitive, perhaps, but SSRIs work by reducing brain-body communication, which typically dampens sexual response. Earlier CNS-depressing treatments had similar effects on desire.

The FDA has approved Flibanserin (Addyi) [68] for treating low desire in women, targeting relevant neurotransmitters. Research shows only modest effectiveness at increasing sexual activity over a 30-day period, though [69].

Smoking – Reduces blood flow throughout the body [70, 71, 72], acting as a real Brake on arousal.

Alcohol – A drink or two can loosen mental Brakes and boost physical stimulation, but overdoing it tends to dull desire for one or both partners instead.

Illegal drugs – These can similarly lower inhibitions and boost stimulation, but reactions vary wildly person to person, sometimes acting as a Brake instead. Unregulated substances also carry the added risk of unknown composition or dosage.

Birth control – Ironically, the very thing meant to enable worry-free sex can sometimes tank desire, with effects varying by method [73]. Some women actually see increased desire on certain methods [74]. If your partner suspects her birth control is the culprit, there may be little you personally can do, a conversation with her doctor about non-hormonal alternatives like the copper IUD is the right next step.

Condoms are another option over hormonal methods entirely. Learn how to use condoms correctly.

Antihistamines – Cold and allergy medications can cause vaginal dryness [75], complicating arousal. A little lube often resolves this temporary Brake easily.

Discover why you should use lube for sex.

Age

Contrary to popular belief, a woman's sexual "peak" isn't firmly locked to her 30s. There's genuinely no strong consensus on this at all. Studies point to peaks in the mid-twenties, late twenties, and thirties variously. One study identified ages 27 to 45 as peak years [76], a massive range with plenty of internal variation.

Several factors mentioned above, sexual shame chief among them, may suppress visible desire in a woman's early twenties. By her thirties, she may seem more sexually open simply because her motivations shift [77] and outside opinion matters less. Greater body comfort and communication skills in her thirties play a role too [78].

It's fair to wonder whether social pressure historically suppressed women's willingness to admit sexual feelings, in studies and daily life alike. As norms shifted, admitting long-standing desires may have simply gotten easier. If earlier reporting wasn't fully honest, though, those older studies lose some of their usefulness.

Regardless, desire ebbs and flows across life stages, individually and within relationships. No single universal peak exists, but desire does generally decline with age eventually.

Fertility itself starts declining in the late twenties [79], and since fertility and desire are linked, a parallel decline seems likely. As ovarian function gradually winds down [76], menopause eventually follows. Some women experience a sharper, more sudden drop due to abrupt menopause (from ovary removal or chemotherapy) [80].

Even so, plenty of older women remain genuinely interested in sex [81].

Find out how women can still have amazing sex after menopause.

A Few More Factors

There's no shortage of potential Brakes worth covering, but this piece can't turn into an encyclopedia. A quick rundown of a few more...

Excessive focus on sexual "performance" – Fixating on how she's "performing" instead of simply enjoying herself acts as a real Brake. Redirecting focus toward her own pleasure tends to boost enjoyment significantly. Men aren't immune to performance anxiety either, check out this post on sexual anxiety for practical tips, since anxiety can interfere with getting and staying hard too.

Body confidence – Discomfort with her own body understandably becomes a Brake, sometimes causing her to shut down entirely. Genuine body confidence has to come from within, your attraction to her alone can't manufacture it.

Comfort with you – Early on, incomplete comfort between partners can itself act as a Brake, though it typically resolves naturally with time and familiarity. Before a first encounter (or with a newer casual partner), a few things help build comfort faster:

• Start with light, brief touch, an arm, a shoulder, a hand on her lower back, an arm around her. Escalate as comfort grows, a hug can become cuddling, then kissing, then more.
• A glass of wine or beer might help ease nerves and boost arousal.
• Compliment her, even something as simple as an appreciative sound as she undresses.
• Show a little vulnerability yourself.
• Talk openly about nerves or anxiety, another chance to be vulnerable, and laughing about it together builds real rapport.
• Make her laugh.
• Ask if she's enjoying what you're doing, or better, ask what she likes and invite her to show you.

A comfortable environment matters too, tidy up, fresh sheets, maybe a candle. Plenty of guys overlook these small details while focused on bigger moves.

Not knowing her own body – Genuine arousal and strong orgasms are tough if she doesn't already know what she enjoys. The fix here is experience, usually gained through masturbation. Once she understands her own responses while alone and relaxed, she can guide you in turn.

Fear of consequences – Pregnancy or STI worries function as a major Brake. Sometimes "no" really means she doesn't feel adequately protected, or worries you don't take that seriously enough to bother. The fix is straightforward, talk openly about birth control, agree on condoms, or confirm she's on birth control and reassure her that you won't take unnecessary risks.

The Bottom Line

We've covered the major Brakes standing between your partner and arousal, along with solutions for each. Once you've identified which ones apply to her or your relationship, addressing them directly is the next step. Do that, and you'll notice arousal coming to her far more easily and quickly.

With the Brakes addressed, it's time to shift focus to the Accelerators: everything that'll make her genuinely desperate for you in Step 2.

One last note: if none of these Brakes apply to your partner, feel free to skip straight to Step 2 for building intense arousal and Step 3, where you'll learn to eat her out, make her squirt, finger her, and discover techniques for the most intense orgasms of her life. These 31 sex tips for your girl are worth a look too.

That said, stay attentive going forward, life changes constantly, and new Brakes can appear even for a partner who's never struggled with this before.

This is just the starting point for delivering the most powerful orgasms of her life. For the full picture across all three steps, check out the introduction to the Bad Boys Bible.

October 12, 2020