How To Orgasm Every Time – 8 Key Questions To Ask Yourself

Cumming reliably is a learnable skill. I'll walk you through it, for both sex and masturbation, even if you currently struggle to orgasm. First, though, let's clear up one thing...

Cumming vs Squirting

"Cumming" and "to cum" here refer to reaching orgasm or climaxing. Some people use "cum" to mean squirting instead.

That's fine too — you might want the guide on how to make yourself squirt.

And if your partner wants to help you get there, point him toward the guide on making a girl squirt we wrote specifically for him, or how to make a woman orgasm.

Below are the questions worth asking yourself if you're struggling to cum, paired with step-by-step techniques for orgasming easily, often, intensely, and quickly if that's the goal.

1. Are You Actually Comfortable?

Discomfort makes orgasm an uphill battle. It can even keep you from getting in the mood or becoming wet in the first place. Comfort is central to a woman's pleasure and climax, yet it's easy to overlook. There are several dimensions of comfort worth examining honestly.

Safety

Feeling unsafe with a sexual partner makes enjoying sex nearly impossible. Whether something they've said or done has raised red flags, or you simply don't know them well yet, it's worth stepping back until you genuinely feel safe.

The same goes for location — if where you're fooling around feels risky, it's fine to wait until you're somewhere more secure.

Body Image

Everybody carries some baggage about their body, guys included, though women often carry more of it. Research suggests women rate their bodies more negatively than men do while also being more preoccupied with them [1], and that a woman's body satisfaction is shaped by how men perceive her [2]. Sexual health researcher Laurie Brotto notes that women are frequently not fully present during sex because they're too busy "monitoring" their own bodies and performance [3 p 50].

Side note — you might find these infographics on men's and women's weight expectations interesting.

Bottom line: if you're self-conscious about your body, or worried your partner will notice a jiggle or a roll, you won't relax enough to enjoy yourself, let alone climax. Building a positive body image is a big topic beyond this article's scope, but plenty of resources online can help.

Two concrete things you can try: buying lingerie that makes you feel genuinely sexy, and choosing pieces designed around your trouble spots — a babydoll that skims your stomach, for instance.

Read More: 10 Vital Tips For Choosing The Perfect Lingerie for Your Body

Plenty of women also swear by pinup or boudoir photoshoots for a confidence boost. Try a DIY version at home, then send your partner the results as a sexy selfie.

Physical Comfort

Your literal physical surroundings affect how easily you get aroused and climax. Walk into a partner's room for the first time and find no sheets and questionable cleanliness, and orgasm probably isn't happening. A room that's too hot or cold causes the same problem.

Sexual Anxiety

Nearly everyone experiences some sexual anxiety, and it's completely normal early on with a new partner — it can even heighten the tension in a good way. It should fade as you get more comfortable with each other and your own skills. If it isn't fading, it's worth digging into why.

Common culprits include:

• Feeling unworthy of your partner, maybe because you don't see yourself as attractive enough. Remember: they're choosing to be with you, repeatedly. If you're in a relationship and know they care about you, it's time to internalize that.
• Doubting your skills as a lover. Skills like kissing, blow jobs, or hand jobs can absolutely improve with practice. If riding your partner makes you anxious, our guide to riding with confidence can help.
• Roommates or kids within earshot. Find a window when the house is empty, play music, or try a ball gag if you're vocal. A door lock prevents unwanted interruptions too.
• Worrying about how you look or sound (separate from body image). Redirect your attention to how things feel instead.
• Past sexual trauma. Great sex after trauma is absolutely possible, but professional support can help if nothing else has worked.
• Fear of pregnancy or STIs. Condoms address both.
• Limited sex education. Browse Love Curi for more, and check out Scarleteen, Go Ask Alice, or Planned Parenthood too.

If anxiety persists or feels overwhelming, a professional can help — mindfulness in particular has proven effective for anxiety and other sexual difficulties [4, 5, 6], including issues rooted in childhood abuse [7].

2. Are You Genuinely Turned On?

Say comfort isn't the issue, but sex still doesn't feel great and orgasm stays out of reach. What's going on? You might not be aroused enough yet. Figuring that out starts with knowing whether your drive leans Responsive or Spontaneous...

Wait, what does that even mean?

Let me break it down.

Responsive Desire

Most women fall into this camp. If arousal typically kicks in only AFTER your partner actively works for it — compliments, eye contact, kissing, touch — your drive is Responsive.

Nodding along? You're likely Responsive too.

Picture these scenarios:

• You're not hungry, but you pass a bakery and suddenly want to eat.
• You don't smoke casually and can go weeks without a cigarette, but out with friends who are lighting up, you suddenly want one.

Responsive desire works similarly. Once you're reminded how good sex feels, you want more, sometimes mid-encounter.

Men typically don't fall into this bucket — they usually run Spontaneous.

Spontaneous Desire

If arousal shows up out of nowhere, unprompted, you're Spontaneous. A couple examples:

• You're doing your taxes and suddenly, inexplicably, feel horny.
• You're watching a segment on interest rates and, somehow, want sex.

Side note: "Spontaneous" is the common label, though some researchers argue it's not quite accurate [8]. Feel free to call it "random randiness" instead.

Here's the real takeaway...

Newer research shows many women (those with Responsive drives) don't experience desire until after foreplay's already started — a departure from the classic "sexual response cycle" you may have learned in school [9].

Dig deeper into the sexual response cycle and how to use it to get horny, which also includes real women describing how they get in the mood.

If You Have A Responsive Drive

Scheduling sex can be a genuinely effective strategy here [10] — it helps keep sex happening consistently, which should help you cum more often too.

Watch For Brakes On Your Drive

As covered above, female arousal (which directly affects orgasm [11]) tends to be more sensitive to outside influences — stress, relationship satisfaction, childhood trauma [12], and anxiety among them.

These are your "brakes" (which can include internal factors like body image [13]).

And Accelerators

"Accelerators" that rev up desire exist too.

Science note: This framework is called the dual-control model [14, 15]. Emily Nagoski covers it in Come As You Are, noting women's brakes tend to be more sensitive than men's [16 p 60]. These brakes are what stall your arousal and delay orgasm.

We'll cover several of these brakes throughout this piece, but let's tackle the most common one now...

Stress – Physical distress correlates with lower sexual desire [17], which matters a lot for orgasm. Cutting stress is step one.

Yoga or a warm bath work for some; involving your partner via a sensual massage works too (he can learn the technique here).

Whether it's massage, fingering, or making out, the more foreplay before intercourse, the easier orgasm becomes. It's less about time spent than simply doing these things at all.

One study even found deep kissing, manual stimulation, and oral sex combined are key ingredients for many women's orgasms [18].

Browse these foreplay tips together for more ideas.

Once you give yourself real time to build arousal, cumming stops feeling like work.

If arousal is still the sticking point, the next section might explain why.

4. Are You Happy In Your Relationship?

Relationship dissatisfaction doesn't stay contained behind the bedroom door. Feeling unloved, emotionally distant, or misunderstood by your partner can drag your sex life down with it [19, 20, 21] — and that's before factoring in emotional or physical abuse.

On the flip side, a relationship that feels emotionally solid, where sex is discussed openly and appreciated, makes orgasm more likely [22].

You can't wall off relationship problems and expect your sex life to stay unaffected — the two are deeply intertwined.

If you used to cum easily and suddenly can't, your relationship might be the first place to look.

Trust is huge here. Working through a breach like infidelity can leave your body simply unresponsive to sexual cues. Time and therapy help, though not always completely.

5. Have You Ever Orgasmed Solo?

If you've never cum at all, this is the place to start.

It's often easier to reach your first orgasm through masturbation than partnered sex, though plenty of women do experience their first with a partner.

Why Masturbation Helps

Solo play lets you try anything, "weird" or not, penetration or none at all. You set the pace, with no pressure about taking too long. You're focused purely on your own pleasure, ideal for building toward orgasm, and you can explore likes and dislikes free of performance anxiety.

If you're not sure where to begin, Love Curi's guide to masturbation for women has plenty of tips and links to dig deeper. Also worth reading: our article on clitoral stimulation. Both cover anatomy, including exactly where your clitoris is — knowledge that's linked to easier orgasm during masturbation [23].

Common approaches include finger stimulation of the clitoris and vagina, using shower or faucet spray, and grinding against objects [24].

The single biggest factor in learning to cum is relaxing and feeling at home in your own skin. It's not about flawless technique or a magic rubbing pattern. Just relax and settle in.

"But how do I relax while desperately trying to cum?"

Chase The Sensation, Not The Finish Line

Fair question, and a tricky one. To actually relax, even while wanting to finish badly, drop the fixation on the 'end result' and sink into the sensations themselves [25]. Focusing on vaginal sensation during sex genuinely correlates with orgasm [26]. Counterintuitive, but true — releasing the pressure to 'make it happen' actually frees you to enjoy the ride.

One trick: add a "distraction" while masturbating. Porn, erotica, or your own mental fantasy all work. Get absorbed in something sexy, and cumming often stops requiring so much effort.

6. Are You Getting The Stimulation You Actually Need?

Obvious to some, but plenty of women need a specific kind of stimulation to climax.

Some women can orgasm from penetration alone [27], but clitoral stimulation is essential for many others [28, 29].

If the sex you're having ignores your specific needs, orgasm is unlikely even if you can reliably cum solo. It may explain why straight women orgasm less often during sex than lesbian women do [30]. As a woman, you're in a great position to know what other women typically need.

Time To Talk

What if you know exactly what works solo but can't translate that into partnered sex? Maybe your partner skips foreplay entirely (a serious problem if orgasm's the goal) or does something that just doesn't land for you.

So now what?

Communication about your needs during sex.

Talking about sex isn't always easy. Maybe you grew up hearing it framed as shameful, or you simply never got much sex education.

You might assume attraction or love should automatically translate into great sex. It doesn't work that way.

It might sound basic, but openly discussing your desires, fantasies, and needs can transform a so-so (or bad) sex life into a genuinely great one.

Once you know how to get yourself there and share that with your partner, he can actually use it. More pleasure, more consistent orgasms, real shared pleasure and afterglow.

Depending on what's needed, it might be as simple as repositioning his hand, guiding it with yours, or a quick "Harder" or "A little to the right" in the moment.

For a deeper conversation, this guide to talking about sex will help.

Worried he'll feel hurt or defensive? You might have tried before and gotten a lukewarm response. But most guys genuinely want to know what works so they can be better partners.

You're entitled to your orgasm, casual encounter or not. Women in relationships tend to feel more entitled to that [31], but every woman deserves one regardless.

The two of you might just need to adjust your approach to make orgasm — even multiple orgasms — much easier to reach, simply by talking and syncing up.

Worth Trying

Explore positions (this list of 119+ sex positions is a great starting point) built for clitoral contact, like the Coital Alignment Technique or Thigh Tide, bring in a vibrator, try a position pillow (some even have toy slots), or make whatever tweak helps you cum during sex.

Skip the fake-out – Never fake an orgasm. Doing so trains your partner to keep doing things that don't actually work for you, because he thinks they do. Not ideal.

7. Has Something Major Shifted In Your Life?

A move. A new job. Losing someone close to you. These are huge life shifts, and your body can respond in unexpected ways, including in the bedroom. Plenty of these events are stressful, a sexual brake you already know about. Others are just exhausting, leaving little energy for sex to feel like a priority.

Pregnancy

Pregnancy and a new baby fall into that category too. Some pregnant women find their desire drops, which is fairly common [[32](http://Pregnancy and Changes in Female Sexual Desire)]. Others find themselves wanting sex more and feeling far more sensitive than before.

Hormones at work.

After Giving Birth

That continues postpartum. A lower sex drive after childbirth is completely normal [33] (which can mean less frequent or less satisfying sex), and some women find orgasm harder to reach afterward [34]. Partners' feelings about postpartum sex tend to mirror the mother's own [35]. Doctors typically clear women for sex around six weeks post-birth [36], but there's no rush if you're not ready.

Menopause

At the other end, menopause brings falling estrogen and other sex hormones [37]. Beyond lowering desire, it can leave your vagina noticeably drier [38, 39] and even atrophied [40, 41], making sex painful [42] and orgasm tougher to reach [43, 44].

Hormones aren't the only culprit, though.

Other Big Changes

New medications or injuries can show up in the bedroom too. Cheating, whether yours or theirs, can quietly kill your ability to cum. Getting back out there post-divorce can be frustrating if orgasm suddenly feels out of reach.

Whatever the change, give yourself space to reconnect with your body and your partner. Be patient — recovery takes time. But if months have passed with no shift, it may be worth talking to a professional.

8. Have You Talked To A Doctor?

A doctor's visit can rule in or out medical causes behind trouble climaxing or getting aroused.

They might also suggest treatment for normal life stages like menopause — estrogen supplements or creams, for instance, to boost arousal, lubrication, and sensitivity [45]. Lube might come up too.

Lube generally makes sex more comfortable for everyone, and comfort tends to make orgasm easier.

More on using lube to improve sex.

Mental Health Conditions & Their Treatments

Certain conditions, and their treatments, are notorious for disrupting sexual function — depression [46] and anxiety [47] included. Unfortunately, sexual dysfunction is a well-known side effect of SSRIs [48, 49, 50].

Note: Never adjust a treatment plan without consulting your doctor first.

Other conditions or injuries can interfere with orgasm too — your doctor can help pin those down.

Other Common Medical Issues

Several other medical issues commonly affect how easily you can cum. Flag any of these with your doctor.

Dyspareunia – If cumming isn't your only problem and sex is painful, that's dyspareunia, and it's worth mentioning to your doctor [51, 52, 53, 54, 55].

Vulvar Vestibulitis (aka vestibulodynia) – Burning and soreness right at the vaginal entrance during attempted penetration characterizes this condition [56].

Vaginismus – The muscles at the vaginal opening involuntarily tighten, causing pain during sex [57]. Even an average-sized partner can feel far too big under these conditions.

Hymen – If you're newer to sex, your hymen might make penetration difficult or painful [58, 59]. In some women it covers most or all of the vaginal opening [60, 61, 62].

Your doctor might also test for STIs, since infections like trichomoniasis [63] and HPV [64] can cause painful sex too.

Some women simply find orgasm harder to reach than others, but understanding your body, tending to your relationship, and setting the right conditions can get you there. The same techniques apply during partnered sex for an all-around better sex life.

Resources

These two resources are worth a look if you're unsure whether you've actually had an orgasm.

Teen Vogue asked women what their orgasms feel like, and the answers are genuinely great.

Some women describe having orgasms without obvious physical signs, according to one doctor.

Jessica Graham shares how mindfulness transformed her sex life on Deconstructing Yourself.

GoodTherapy breaks down sensate focus, the mindfulness-based technique Masters and Johnson developed to treat orgasm and other sexual function issues.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – I can only cum alone, never during sex. What's wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you. Plenty of women don't reliably orgasm during partnered sex [65].

Your partner might just need more experience with your body, something time and guidance can fix. You may also need to be more direct about what actually works.

The closer sex mirrors what you do solo, the more likely you'll cum. If clitoral stimulation is what gets you there but "sex" only means penetration in your relationship, orgasm probably isn't coming easily.

The physical distance between your vaginal opening and clitoris genuinely affects whether penetration alone can get you there [66, 67].

Anxiety about sex is another common factor, one that can both block orgasm and dampen arousal.

FAQ #2 – Why doesn't my orgasm look like it does in the movies?

Whether it's a Hollywood romance or a porn scene, what you're seeing about orgasm is misleading and unrealistic. Penetration alone might never get you there. Your orgasms might never involve curled toes; you might stay relatively quiet or still throughout. Simultaneous orgasm with a partner is the exception, not the norm.

Intensity varies too. Some women orgasm from intercourse alone but find it's noticeably stronger with added clitoral touch [68].

FAQ #3 – Why isn't my sex toy making me cum?

There's a myth that a vibrator or similar toy automatically delivers orgasm — it's not a guarantee. Some women do experience their very first orgasm with a toy's help, and toys can make things easier or even unlock multiple orgasms for some [69].

Here's the catch with toys, and any other supposed "magic fix"...

Nothing acts as a universal key to unlock orgasm, not a toy, not a "perfect" partner. If guilt or other sex-negative baggage is still weighing on you, orgasm may stay elusive...

No matter what you try.

A strained relationship can block orgasm just as effectively. So can an undiagnosed medical issue.

The fix starts with identifying what's actually going on, then addressing it directly.

FAQ #4 – How do I even know if I've had an orgasm?

Some say you'll "just know," but that's not universally true, especially for women whose bodies don't react strongly during climax.

Don't trust his read on it – Some men swear they can tell when a partner orgasms, but you're the one with the most reliable information here [70].

Tension releasing – Arousal builds tension on the way to orgasm. Cumming releases it [71].

Involuntary contractions – Orgasm involves involuntary muscle contractions tied to releasing built-up pelvic tension [72], centered on your pelvic floor muscles, which support your bladder, uterus, and bowel [73] and are felt around the vagina and anus during climax [74]. Your partner might feel these around his penis, or you might even see a toy move with them.

Feel like you need to pee? – Some women feel this right before orgasm, especially with G-spot stimulation. You're very unlikely to actually urinate — peeing beforehand can help you relax enough to let it happen.

Vaginal vs clitoral – Sensation can spread through your whole body during orgasm, or stay much more localized. Some women notice distinctly different vaginal vs clitoral orgasms [75]. Either way, both trace back to clitoral stimulation, just different parts of the clitoral structure [76, 77]!

Related: How To Experience Full Body Orgasmic Bliss with Vaginal Orgasms

Other tells – Orgasm usually feels pleasurable, though it's fine if it feels muted or more like release than pleasure.

Some women describe a wave of warmth.

Others experience real emotional reactions [78] — closeness with a partner, a spiritual feeling, or...

Crying afterward is normal too, even if less common.

Orgasm can last anywhere from 3 to 60 seconds [79], and interestingly, duration doesn't necessarily track with how pleasurable it feels [80] — longer isn't automatically better.

FAQ #5 – Should I fake it?

We touched on this above, but faking is never the move. It signals your partner should keep doing exactly what they're doing, even if it's not working, or worse, if it's uncomfortable or painful. It's completely fine to ask for what you actually want.

Keep faking, and he'll have no reason to try anything new.

And let's be honest — egos are fragile.

If your partner ever finds out you've been faking, it can genuinely hurt or feel like a betrayal. Even if they never find out, the guilt can linger on your end.

Plus, some men can tell anyway [81].

And honestly, it's fine not to cum every time. Sex and masturbation can both feel worthwhile without orgasm as the finish line, sometimes, or ever.

FAQ #6 – Can medication help me cum?

The FDA has approved Flibanserin for managing low sexual desire [82], but no medication currently exists that directly produces orgasm.

October 31, 2020