Weight Expectations: What Couples Really Look Like vs. What They Wish They Looked Like

• Women with "perfect" bodies report roughly the same body confidence as the average, overweight man.
• 91% of women and 67% of men with average-looking bodies want to lose weight.
• People with "apple" and "pear" shaped bodies report the lowest confidence and get rated less attractive by partners.
• The typical woman wants to shed 48 lb, though her partner thinks about half that would suffice.
• 39% of people in committed but unmarried relationships want their partner to lose weight, climbing to roughly 60% among married couples.
• Both men and women overestimate how slim and/or muscular their partner would ideally want them to be.

Close to 40 percent of adults worldwide are overweight1, and by 2045, nearly a quarter of the global population will be classified as obese.2 Meanwhile, social media keeps serving up flawless male and female physiques under the banner of #bodygoals (4.5 million Instagram posts and climbing)3, a daily reminder of the body we could theoretically have but almost certainly don't.

Wanting to understand how the average man and woman navigate these clashing pressures, we asked 1,000 Americans to use a 12-point visual scale to identify the body sizes and shapes that best matched themselves and their romantic partners. Combined, the results reveal how people actually look compared with how they wish they, and their partners, looked.

A quick history of body rating scales (or skip straight to the results)

One way to build a picture of someone's body is to combine measurements like height, weight, and body fat percentage. That's accurate enough, but it doesn't capture how people actually feel about those numbers.

After all, spotting someone attractive on the street, or catching an unflattering glimpse of yourself in a store window, triggers a purely visual, gut-level reaction — not some abstract calculation. Likewise, picturing your ideal naked body probably conjures a specific celebrity or model rather than a set of chart figures.

Researchers sidestepped this problem back in 1983 with the Stunkard Scale.4 This rating tool presented nine hand-drawn male and female figures, letting participants pick whichever drawing best matched their actual and ideal body size, spanning extremely thin to extremely obese. Despite its influence on major studies covering everything from body satisfaction to eating disorders, the scale had real shortcomings. For one, the crude black-and-white sketches looked unrealistic.5 They were also overly simplistic, ignoring body shape entirely in favor of size alone.

A quarter-century later, in 2008, researchers tested whether a more refined visual tool — the Photographic Figure Rating Scale (PFRS) — could help participants accurately estimate BMI. The more lifelike 10-point scale proved effective.6 Still, it wasn't flawless: faces were blurred out, which some found off-putting, and because the images came from different real people, leg length varied between figures in ways that could skew perception. By 2016, a newer scale emerged using computer-generated figures, allowing far more consistency across images.5

For our own survey, we merged the strongest elements of earlier rating scales into two brand-new 12-point visual scales, one for men and one for women. Each depicted the same photorealistic figure spanning very slim to very large. We made sure every figure stayed fully consistent and highly realistic. For extra accuracy, we also gave respondents multiple body shapes to pick from (think "hourglass," "pear," "apple") along with 12 levels of muscularity.

Thanks to these realistic scales, our 1,000 respondents could precisely convey what they see in the mirror, in their partner, and in their imagined ideal version of both.

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Translating the scale's images back into real measurements, and assuming an average height of 5'4", the typical woman weighs 172 lb with a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 29.5 — right on the border of obese, per World Health Organization standards.7 Her ideal body, by contrast, comes in noticeably slimmer at 124 lb with a BMI of 21.3, comfortably inside the "normal" range.

Interestingly, the average ideal female body weight of 124 lb exactly matches Kim Kardashian's weight when she married Kanye West in 20148, even though our female respondents had no way of knowing that when answering.

A striking 91 percent of women at the average body size said they'd like to shed at least a bit of weight, and even among women who already matched their ideal size, 65 percent said the same. Similar patterns show up internationally — a 2015 Australian poll found 90 percent of overweight women wanted to lose weight, alongside half of women who weren't overweight at all.9

So would losing that 48 lb — going from actual to ideal — actually pay off in the eyes of the opposite sex? Looking at how our male respondents rated the female body scale, 9 percent called the average female body visually perfect, versus 36 percent for the ideal version. That means four times as many men preferred the "ideal" over the "average," yet 64 percent actually wanted something smaller or larger still.

And how do women see it themselves? At the average size, women gave themselves a body confidence score of 6.1 out of 10, with 10 being maximum confidence. At the much slimmer ideal size, that number only climbed to 6.9 — a gain of just 0.8 points. That's a surprisingly modest confidence boost for such a dramatic weight difference. Does the same pattern hold for men?

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67 percent of men at this size want to drop some weight (nearly matching the share of women at their female "ideal" size). Men with this typical build reported an average body confidence score of 6.8 — almost matching the female ideal score. That's despite only 12 percent of women rating the average male body as visually perfect (versus 9 percent of men saying the same about the average female body).

Given the option, men would shed 11 pounds and trade a chunk of fat for muscle. Their idea of an ideal physique is considerably more toned than their actual one, and men who already match that ideal reported a confidence score of 8.2 — 1.4 points above men with an average build. Even so, 35 percent of men who supposedly already have the ideal body still want to lose weight, roughly half the rate seen among equivalent women.

Women show less agreement on the ideal male physique, with just under 1 in 5 backing the muscular build pictured above, compared to just over 1 in 3 men agreeing on the slim female ideal.

So on average: women want to lose considerable weight; men want to lose weight and add muscle; and among people already at their "ideal" size, men stand to gain more confidence than women from reaching their idea of perfection. To visualize this, we can chart average body confidence against BMI.

Overall, men reported higher body confidence than women. 78 percent of men scored 5 or above out of 10, compared with 57 percent of women. One in five women reported high confidence (8+), against just over one in three men.

Among both sexes, very few claimed total body confidence (a perfect 10 out of 10): 3 percent of women and 5 percent of men. Meanwhile, more than double the share of women (7 percent) reported zero body confidence, compared to a mere 0.4 percent of men.

Confidence for both genders declined as BMI rose. A man with a BMI of 22 (right in the middle of "normal") averaged a confidence score of 7.6, versus 6.4 for a woman at that same BMI. At a BMI of 30 (roughly 50 lb heavier), men's confidence dropped to 5.1 and women's to 4.3.

Everybody carries weight differently — some evenly all over, others concentrated up top or down below. We asked respondents to identify which body shape matched them best, then calculated average confidence scores for each group.

Among women, those with "rectangle" shapes reported the highest confidence (6.4 out of 10) — meaning weight distributed evenly, with hips and bust roughly aligned. Close behind were women with classic "hourglass" figures (6.2) — a fuller bust, narrower waist, and rounder hips. Evolutionary psychology suggests the hourglass shape visually signals fertility and reproductive potential to prospective mates, which may explain its lasting appeal across cultures and eras.10

"Apple" and "pear" shapes reported the lowest female confidence (4.3 and 5.1, respectively). "Apple" bodies tend to be rounder through the middle with less waist definition. "Pear" bodies carry more weight in the hips and thighs. Both diverge from the culturally favored "hourglass," which may explain the dip in confidence for these groups. Beyond appearance, apple-shaped bodies also carry elevated risk for cardiovascular disease, hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol.11 Aware of this or not, 85 percent of women said they'd rather have an hourglass shape than an apple one.

Men showed a similar pattern — those with pear and apple shapes reported the lowest confidence (6 and 5 out of 10, respectively). The most confident men had "inverted triangle" builds (8.2 out of 10), evolutionary theory's rough male equivalent of the coveted female hourglass.12 Marked by a muscular upper body, broad shoulders, and a narrower waist, this shape is associated with higher testosterone and better health.

Confidence in one's shape seems tied to how a partner perceives that same shape. We asked respondents to identify their partner's body shape and rate their attraction to it out of 10. Women rated "inverted triangle" male partners 8.2, but "apple" partners just 7.3. Men rated "hourglass" female partners 8.8, versus 7.4 for "apple" partners. While confidence scores and attraction scores aren't perfectly comparable, it's striking that "apple"-shaped women reported average confidence of just 4.3, yet their partners rated them 7.4 for attractiveness. The same held for apple-shaped men: 5.3 in self-confidence versus 7.3 in their partner's eyes. It seems we're each our own harshest critic — no shape, for either gender, scored below a 7 from a partner's perspective. So if we generally view our partners' current bodies favorably, does that mean we wouldn't actually prefer them to look different?

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When men chose their own ideal body, the average came to 186 lb and quite muscular. Seven percent of men said this already described them. Women's average ideal male body was similarly muscular but 12 lb lighter — toned, though not quite as bulky as what men themselves preferred. Even so, only 1 in 10 men reported already looking like this, making women's preferred male physique twice as rare as men's preferred female physique.

Almost identical shares of men and women (50 percent and 52 percent, respectively) said they'd like their partner to lose some weight. Both sexes held even higher standards for themselves — 60 percent of men and 87 percent of women wished they were lighter. On average, a woman of typical height and weight said she'd like to lose 48 lb, while her partner thought 28 lb would be more fitting. Men were generally less ambitious, wanting to drop 11 lb, though their partners suggested 23 lb would be preferable. That said, based on earlier scale selections, much of that would likely mean trading fat for muscle rather than pure weight loss.

Breaking things down by relationship type, similar shares of men and women in committed but unmarried relationships felt their current weight was already ideal (24 percent and 21 percent, respectively). Among married couples, though, the numbers were 23 percent for men (essentially unchanged) but only 4 percent for women. In other words, 93 percent of married women wanted to lose weight, compared to 74 percent of women in unmarried, committed relationships.

Side note: These sex positions for overweight couples, blow job tips, tips on riding your man with confidence, and this guide on how to make yourself squirt can all help amp up the adventurousness in your relationship.

Unmarried couples share nearly identical expectations of each other — 39 percent want their partner to lose some weight. That figure climbs among married couples, though the split stays roughly even: 60 percent of women and 57 percent of men. This growing pickiness isn't random — earlier research found the average American man and woman gain 19 and 22 pounds respectively between early adulthood and age 55.13 Still, that's no reason to sprint to the treadmill. Among our respondents, 1 in 5 men who already matched women's ideal weight still wanted to lose more. Among women, that figure was 7 in 10.

People generally find partners with a similar BMI to their own most attractive — at least within relationships. As someone's own BMI rises, so does the BMI of the partner body they find most appealing. Rather than opposites attracting, people tend to gravitate toward partners who resemble them. This pattern, known as "assortative mating," shows up across personality, education, height, and — as we've seen — weight too.14

It may be fortunate that people gravitate toward similarly built partners, since research suggests mismatched-weight couples can face real bias. A 2016 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships asked participants to rate couples with similar versus dissimilar BMIs — the mismatched pairs scored lower. In a follow-up study, participants asked to pair individuals into couples instinctively matched people of similar size without being told to. And when asked for relationship advice for BMI-mismatched couples, they suggested cheaper, less public dates and holding off on introducing friends and family.15 Ouch.

Making sense of the results

Given we're in the midst of a global obesity trend, it's hardly shocking that so many respondents wanted to lose weight. Nor is it surprising, given prior research on gender gaps16, that women reported consistently lower body confidence than men — even when their bodies already matched what men considered ideal.

But when each gender got a private chance to describe how they'd want their partner's body to change, their wishes didn't line up with what their partners actually wanted for themselves. People consistently overestimated how slim or muscular the opposite sex wanted them to be. These mismatched expectations likely feed into body confidence scores, which stayed notably low among women regardless of age or relationship length. In fact, a woman whose body matched most men's stated ideal reported almost the same confidence level as a typical, somewhat overweight man.

One way for couples to close this gap in expectations is simply talking more openly about how they feel about each other's bodies. So next time your partner asks, "Do I look fat in this?" — smile and say, "Give me a second, let me check my 12-point body rating scale."

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Methodology

We surveyed 1,000 heterosexual American men and women in relationships, ages 18 to 79 with a median age of 34, presenting them with 12-figure body rating scales and asking them to identify the appearance closest to their own, their partner's, their ideal self, and their ideal partner. Male respondents used a 12-point muscularity scale to indicate their current and desired build; women used the same scale to describe how muscular they wished their male partners were. All respondents also used a body shape scale ("apple," "pear," "hourglass," "inverted triangle," etc.) to identify which shape matched themselves and their current partner. Where current BMI was needed, we calculated it from respondents' actual height and weight. For questions about desired appearance for themselves or partners, we inferred BMI from body scale selections, themselves calibrated against real people's BMIs and appearances — allowing us to convert freely between body images, BMIs, and weights. Weight figures accompanying the average body composites assume average male and female heights of 5'9″ and 5'4″ respectively. Note that this survey centered on body weight and shape specifically, so respondents weren't asked about other appearance factors — body hair, skin tone, hairstyle, and so on — for themselves or their partners, actual or imagined.

References

1. http://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/obesity-and-overweight
2. https://nypost.com/2018/05/24/nearly-a-quarter-of-the-world-will-be-obese-by-2045/
3. 4,590,279 instagram posts tagged with #bodygoal as of June 6th, 2018
4. Stunkard A, Sorensen T, Schulsinger F (1983) Use of the Danish Adoption Register for the study of obesity and thinness. Research Publications – Association for Research in Nervous & Mental Disease 60: 115–120.
5. http://www.nspb.net/index.php/nspb/article/view/249
6. http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.515.8089&rep=rep1&type=pdf
7. http://apps.who.int/bmi/index.jsp?introPage=intro\_3.html
8. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3360454/Kim-Kardashian-reveals-17-lbs-weight-loss-wants-shed-53-pounds-birth-second-child.html
9. http://www.roymorgan.com/findings/6514-australian-weight-loss-attitudes-and-products-june-2015-201510210006
10. https://www.livescience.com/9834-hourglass-figures-affect-men-brains-drug.html
11. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/02/170214162852.htm
12. Frederick, and Haselton, 2003; Furnham, and Radley, 1989; Hughes, and Gallup, 2003; Lavrakas, 1975.
13. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2643761?resultClick=3
14. https://phys.org/news/2017-01-evidence-humans-partners-assortative.html
15. http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407516644067
16. https://web.uvic.ca/~lalonde/manuscripts/2010-Body%20Image.pdf

October 26, 2020