6 Ways to Boost Sexual Compatibility With Any Partner

Mention sexual compatibility and your mind might jump straight to zodiac signs. But real sexual compatibility runs much deeper than that! It's really about finding a partner whose sexual style and outlook line up with yours, setting you both up for sex you'll genuinely enjoy together.

More often than not, sexual compatibility is something you can actively cultivate, keeping your sex life fresh instead of letting it grow stale. Curious how? Keep reading!

What Does Sexual Compatibility Actually Mean?

Sexual compatibility boils down to mutual physical attraction, similar sexual preferences and turn-ons, and genuinely enjoying sex together.

Much like sexual tension and chemistry, sexual compatibility is essential for any romantic relationship where great sex matters — and it's absolutely non-negotiable in a purely sex-based relationship.

But there's more to unpack here...

What You Should Understand About Sexual Compatibility

There's plenty more to sexual compatibility beyond the basic definition. Here's what else to know.

1. Sexual compatibility can make or break a relationship.

More precisely, sexual incompatibility can. If you're into vanilla sex but your partner craves or genuinely needs rough sex, resentment can quietly build between you. You might question why vanilla isn't enough, while he wonders why you won't loosen up in bed. Or maybe you crave sex daily and he doesn't.

If the gap is wide enough that no middle ground exists, it could spell the end of your relationship. This is actually one reason some people steer clear of relationships altogether — if you can already tell your preferences won't align, it may be smarter to avoid getting emotionally attached too early.

2. You can gauge sexual compatibility before ever sleeping together.

To assess compatibility ahead of time, you can be direct and simply ask what kind of sex he enjoys, how often he wants it, and other similar questions. Sex talk can feel intimidating. Learn how sexual communication can improve your sex life.

You don't have to be blunt about it, though. Indirect, telling questions can reveal whether he shares your kinks, how sexually open-minded he is, and how much sex matters to him.

Some people avoid answering these questions, directly or indirectly. For some women, that avoidance itself signals incompatibility.

Understanding your level of sexual compatibility early has real upside. Everyone knows hormones run wild at the start of a relationship, which can cloud your judgment about genuine compatibility. Once the initial rush fades, you might be blindsided if you never looked for warning signs of incompatibility.

Try: 114 couples quiz questions to get to know your partner.

3. Women tend to bear the brunt of sexual incompatibility more than men.

It's not universal, but women are typically the ones left with mediocre sex. A man nearly always finishes, while penetrative sex alone rarely does the trick for a woman without at least some clitoral stimulation. Even with solid compatibility, you still need to voice your needs to get mutually satisfying sex — otherwise you risk ending up with partners who don't notice, or don't care, where the mismatch lies.

Women also frequently struggle to discuss sex and ask for what they want, for all sorts of reasons. Many are raised to stay agreeable and suppress sexual urges, no matter how damaging that ends up being. Our guide to sexual communication can help here too (read it here).

On top of that, your partner will find it genuinely attractive when you're an active participant in your sex life — and he'll definitely notice when you're actually enjoying yourself!

4. Incompatibility can damage more than just your sex life.

Plenty of people will insist sex shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship. We at Love Curi obviously want readers to have fantastic sex and view it as a genuinely important piece of a relationship, but we agree it's not the whole picture.

Still, sex matters, and dissatisfaction there tends to bleed into everything else in a relationship. You might find yourself growing resentful (Read: I Hate My Husband) and taking it out in other ways that only cause further damage.

Ignoring sexual incompatibility early in a relationship can be a costly mistake.

Fun fact: bad sex is actually one reason women cheat — and men too!

What Sexual Compatibility Looks Like

Here are a few real examples of sexual compatibility.

• You and your partner place roughly equal importance on sex. Maybe neither of you has an especially high drive, or you both see it as central to the relationship. Either way, you're aligned.
• You gravitate toward the same activities — anywhere from oral sex to bondage (we'd suggest starting with some light bondage).
• You're each invested in the other's pleasure, which naturally pushes you to communicate, experiment, and think beyond yourself.
• You value the experience itself over the finish line — meaning you enjoy sex as an activity without fixating too heavily on orgasm. Quality over quantity, essentially.
• You share genuine sexual chemistry. Discover 14 ways to build sexual chemistry and enjoy great sex.
• You both invest effort into sex beyond the bedroom itself — seducing each other, dreaming up new ideas, and carving out time for intimacy, among other things. Need inspiration? There's no shortage of options out there.

If you're sensing that sexual compatibility can be built through open-mindedness, curiosity, and a genuine willingness to please your partner, you've got it exactly right!

How to Become More Sexually Compatible

Very few couples click perfectly from day one. But with some effort, compatibility with your partner can genuinely grow over time.

1. Give his interests a real shot.

Not only does reciprocating help convince him to try whatever gets your blood pumping, but you might discover you genuinely enjoy something unexpected simply by staying open to it. And of course, offering your own suggestions keeps your sex life exciting too.

Related: 7 Tips for a Sizzling Sex Life

2. Tune Into Your Partner

Some people treat sex like a script, repeating the same moves regardless of who they're with. But every partner is different, so you need to actually listen to what they ask for and read their body language. From there, adjust your approach to fit whoever you're actually with in the moment.

3. Stay open to different kinds of sex.

This might genuinely be harder than it sounds if vanilla is really your comfort zone. But being able to enjoy a range of sexual experiences — from gentle to rough — makes it far easier to build a mutually satisfying sex life.

4. Get comfortable opening up about sex.

Sexual compatibility grows dramatically as you become more open-minded. A conservative or religious upbringing can make this genuinely tough, and you might carry guilt or shame around urges you were taught were wrong.

Here's the good news: those urges are completely normal. Sex can genuinely benefit your relationship and even your health — masturbation included.

Use that knowledge to give yourself permission to open up, taking small steps if you're feeling uncertain. Trying lingerie is one easy entry point. 10 tips for choosing the right lingerie.

Or build confidence riding your partner and surprise him with it next time.

5. Shake Up Your Routine

Whatever you do, don't let things get stale. Try different rooms, locations away from home, different times of day, and different positions.

That gives you room to experiment and uncover where you're actually compatible. It also keeps you from getting stuck doing something only one of you enjoys — or that neither of you loves!

6. Talk, Talk, and Keep Talking

If it's not obvious by now, communication is the backbone of both good sex and genuine compatibility. Nobody expects you to read minds. Feel free to ask your partner what he wants, and tell him exactly what would help you enjoy yourself more.

Cutting out the guesswork saves a ton of time and frustration, and you should feel free to be upfront about most things in your relationship. You might even discover you're more compatible than you assumed, just by talking through the friction points!

7. Focus on What's Working.

Lastly, zero in on the ways you and your partner already click sexually. Research has found that people who felt sexually compatible reported greater satisfaction with their sex lives than those who merely shared the same turn-ons [1]. Funny how that works out!

Everyone brings their own preferences to the table, but you can set the stage for a healthy, steamy sex life by actively nurturing compatibility between you and your partner.

January 23, 2021