How To Actually Enjoy Sex And Orgasm Every Time

If you're anything like most women, you've been having sex to please your partner rather than yourself. Your own pleasure isn't really the point, and you may not fully know how to access it. You might even wonder if something's wrong with you. This guide exists to help women break free of years of unfulfilling sex and finally tap into everything sexuality can offer.

How Women Can Start Enjoying Sex More

It's tough to enjoy sex if the right spots aren't getting the right attention, so a lot of what follows comes down to technique. If you suspect it's simply a mechanics issue standing between you and pleasure, keep reading.

Learn Your Own Body

Getting to know your body is the first step toward genuinely enjoying sex. It teaches you what actually feels good — including how to orgasm, whether that's squirting or multiple orgasms — in a pressure-free setting. From there, you can bring that self-knowledge into partnered sex for way more fun.

The best way to learn your body is through masturbation, and we've put together several solid guides on the topic. It's also worth brushing up on your erogenous zones and getting familiar with every hot spot you've got. Learn how to find your G-spot and what the A-spot actually is.

Your clitoris deserves special mention here. Like most women, you likely need direct clitoral stimulation to climax, something intercourse alone rarely provides. There are tons of ways to pleasure yourself — check out this list of 9 clitoral stimulation techniques.

Once you're familiar with your body's capacity for pleasure, you can bring those techniques into sex yourself, or teach them to your partner.

Own Your Power

This tip for enjoying sex might sound a little woo-woo, but stick with it! Your body is genuinely powerful. It walks upright, can carry children, experiences and gives intense pleasure, runs marathons, and does so much more. Recognizing just how impressive your body is tends to make you feel pretty damn sexy.

Keep that in mind next time you're in bed, and you might notice sex feeling that much better.

Switch Up Your Position

A position that's uncomfortable or has you contorted like a pretzel is never going to feel great. The wrong angle alone can drain all the pleasure out of sex. So experiment. Want more G-spot stimulation? Doggy style might be your answer. The coital alignment technique (learn more) is fantastic for clit stimulation, and climbing on top gives you full control over angle, depth, and pace.

Browse our sex positions guide with pictures for plenty of inspiration.

Pillows or wedges can also open up positions that might otherwise feel awkward or impossible to enjoy.

Reach For Lube

If there's one surefire way to boost enjoyment, it's lube. It cuts down friction and lowers your risk of tears that can lead to bacterial infections or STIs. Some people worry using lube means something's "wrong" with them, but that's simply not true. Lube is safe, smart, and sexy — you can even find versions that add tingling or warming sensations.

Get the full rundown on lube here.

Bring In Toys

Maybe you already reach for a vibrator during solo time, but have you thought about bringing it into partner play? A vibrator can push you over the edge or add extra pleasure — and it's far from your only option.

• Butt plugs and anal beads add extra sensation when worn during sex.
• Cock rings can help your partner stay hard longer, and some vibrate too.
• Cuffs and bondage gear can raise the stakes.
• Paddles, whips, floggers, and other impact play toys let you explore a kinkier side.
• Massage oils and candles aren't technically toys, but they add plenty of fun.

There's a huge range of other toys worth exploring too — nipple clamps, clit suction toys, prostate toys, harnesses and strap-ons, electrostimulation, and more. A new toy can open the door to new activities entirely, from roleplay to BDSM to pegging. Whether you're chasing new sensations or just breaking out of a rut, toys help plenty of women unlock more enjoyment.

Sometimes technique alone won't fix things, because there's a bigger obstacle at play that needs addressing first.

Get Comfortable In Your Own Skin

A common reason women struggle to enjoy sex is simply not feeling at ease in their own body — worrying about body image, performance, or what their partner is thinking. Their minds are anywhere but in the moment. No wonder enjoyment suffers.

Building genuine confidence and self-esteem matters not just for trying new positions and activities worry-free, but for feeling secure in your relationship and worthy of your partner. It also just makes you a happier, healthier person overall.

Our piece on building confidence in girl-on-top positions offers great advice for boosting sexual confidence specifically.

Dressing up for sex can also give your confidence a nice boost — makeup, styled hair, lingerie, heels. You'll feel amazing, and your partner will absolutely notice!

Learn To Relax

Telling yourself to relax rarely works — sometimes it backfires entirely. Still, relaxation plays a huge role in enjoying sex. Confidence helps, but it's not the only route there.

A sensual massage can help you unwind. Try trading sensual massages with your partner.

It might also help to read up on managing sexual anxiety.

Comfort with your partner matters too. If trust isn't fully there, or you feel like you don't "deserve" that person, relaxing becomes even harder. It's completely fine to only have sex with people you genuinely trust. And remember — you're a desirable person worthy of a great partner, and that partner is probably dealing with their own insecurities too, which takes some pressure off you.

Prioritize Yourself

Plenty of women have sex mainly for their partner's benefit. He finishes, and she's left feeling disappointed or even used. But women absolutely can enjoy sex (hopefully we've made that case already), and everyone reading Love Curi deserves to get as much pleasure out of it as possible.

If your own pleasure never gets a seat at the table, things won't improve on their own. Partners can be selfish — it's fine for you to be too. Take ownership of your pleasure, because nobody else is going to hand it to you.

Speak Up

This ties directly into prioritizing yourself. Learning to enjoy sex means learning to talk about sex openly. That's the key to asking for what you want and actually getting it. Speaking up doesn't come easily to everyone, which is why we've written a detailed guide on the topic.

Read: Use Sexual Communication for Complete Sexual Fulfillment

Telling your partner what you want benefits him too — no guesswork required, and he'll know exactly when he's doing something right, helping him get even better at pleasing you. These conversations can feel uncomfortable at first, but they're worth having.

Open Up About Your Fantasies

Maybe you're into romance novels, erotic films, or role play. Perhaps there's a scenario that plays out in your head during masturbation or sex. Or maybe there's something you haven't fully admitted to yourself yet.

Everyone has fantasies — it's completely normal and healthy. Playing them out mentally can be healthy, and sharing or even acting them out with your partner can be incredibly sexy.

One note on fantasies: some can feel unsettling. Rape fantasies, for instance, are surprisingly common. Having one doesn't mean you want it to actually happen — and plenty of fantasies are perfectly fine staying purely fantasy. Learn more about fantasies here.

That said, you can explore rape fantasies safely through consensual non-consent, or CNC kink play.

Take The Lead

Maybe you usually let your partner steer things during sex — but that might be exactly why enjoyment feels out of reach. Tapping into your inner goddess might mean initiating sex yourself, taking charge, and having fun with it. You've got this.

If you find you genuinely love being in control, it might be time to try on the dominant role in the bedroom.

Related: 10 Femdom Ideas To Dominate Your Man With

Enjoying Sex – Common Mistakes To Avoid

Don't Force It

We already touched on how forcing relaxation backfires — the same goes for forcing enjoyment. Sometimes sex just won't be amazing, even with a partner and activity you genuinely love. It's fine to wait for a better moment. It's also fine to have sex to connect with your partner, or purely for their pleasure, as long as you never feel coerced into it.

Stop Fixating On Orgasm

Counterintuitive as it sounds, obsessing over orgasm can actually make it harder to reach one. It's completely understandable to want to climax, especially if you never have before, but it's okay if it doesn't happen every time. Focus on the pleasure itself and lean into whatever feels good. It's tempting to write off sex that doesn't end in orgasm, but that's not the only measure of great sex.

Sex Is About More Than Penetration

Penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex has become synonymous with "real sex" for a lot of people, but it's worth broadening that view. Oral, anal, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, making out — all of these deserve just as much attention as PIV. Don't rush through them just because sex is "supposed" to center on genitals meeting. And sex doesn't need penetration at all if that's not what you want.

It's easy to feel down on yourself if PIV feels like the only "legitimate" version of sex and you just don't love it. But there's nothing wrong with you if that's the case. Plenty of couples dismiss other activities, like foreplay, as something only for teenagers to linger on. That's simply not true.

Now that you've got a toolkit for enjoying sex more, it's time to start experimenting. Just don't treat it like a checklist — enjoy trying new things and techniques regardless of how each one turns out!

Through that process, you'll deepen your understanding of your body and its needs, and bring that knowledge into partnered sex that satisfies you just as much — or even more — than your partner.

December 4, 2020