11 Ways to Cope with Sexual Frustration and Keep Your Sanity

Almost nothing is tougher to sit with than sexual frustration. The word itself gives it away! Left to fester, it can wreck your mood and put real strain on a relationship. The good news is that you can learn how to deal with sexual frustration and get ahead of it before it takes over.

Coping with Sexual Frustration Inside a Relationship

It's tempting to assume sexual frustration only happens to single people, but that's simply not accurate. Plenty of partnered people aren't getting what they need in bed, and women in particular often struggle to bring the topic up with their man.

Difficult as it may be, raising it is worth doing. Women are frequently the ones who quietly put up with lackluster or unsatisfying sex, and that pattern doesn't have to continue. Sexual frustration isn't always about bad sex either — sometimes it's simply the absence of sex — but the tips below should help you cope while strengthening your relationship along the way.

1. Take the Lead

Very often, women wait for their partner to make the first move. That pattern wears on both people. Resentment can creep in on either side — she feels pressured to wait, he feels turned away.

If your man isn't the one starting things, it doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested. He might just be reading (or missing) your signals. Making the first move yourself reminds him he's wanted, breaks up the usual pattern, and can dissolve that frustrated feeling.

Read: How to Initiate Sex and foreplay with Your Man

2. Build Closeness in Other Forms

An orgasm is great, but sometimes your frustration isn't really about the physical act at all. You might be craving closeness on an emotional level rather than a physical one.

Sometimes strengthening that emotional bond is exactly what puts you and your man back on track — and the physical side tends to follow naturally.

3. Open Up the Conversation

Could talking through the issue lead to more or better sex? If working on emotional closeness or taking initiative hasn't moved the needle, it might be time for a grown-up conversation about sex.

Easier said than done, sure. Discussing sex openly can feel awkward. That's why we put together a solid guide to talking about sexual communication.

Once you and your partner can talk through the rough patches together, there's very little you can't work out as a team.

4. Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

Sometimes the root causes of a sex drought just can't be fixed. Illness, injury, and distance are all realistic obstacles to a satisfying sex life. That doesn't mean you're out of options.

Curious about female masturbation specifically? Jump ahead to the masturbation section.

One question worth answering directly: is it okay to masturbate while you're in a relationship? Completely. Masturbating in front of your man can be a turn-on for both of you, and it's genuinely one of the most effective tools for dealing with sexual frustration. Some people feel pressure to hide the fact that they masturbate or want to — don't. There's no reason to lie to your partner, and definitely none to lie to yourself.

Masturbation also happens to be a solid way to take the edge off feeling horny.

5. Let Yourself Feel It

Whatever's driving your sexual frustration, it's not a pleasant feeling for anyone. Most people go into a relationship expecting a reasonably consistent sex life, and going without can wear on the relationship over time.

Still, you might feel a twinge of guilt about being frustrated — and that's normal. Give yourself permission to feel it, then release it. Bottling it up will only cause more friction down the line.

Coping with Sexual Frustration While Single

Sexual frustration might feel more manageable with a partner around, but being single doesn't mean you're stuck. There are several solid strategies for handling it solo.

1. Masturbate

Obvious, yes, and it's just as valid an option for people in relationships. Some women treat masturbation as a last resort when dealing with frustration, but that mindset isn't necessary. Solo play, even for someone with a partner, tends to feel different — there's no one else's needs to think about, so you're free to be entirely selfish about your own pleasure. No need to freshen up beforehand, and you're free to do things a partner might not be up for.

Whether you're brand new to masturbation, want a refresher, or are just after new ideas, we've got plenty of guidance. Start with these:

• 7-Step Guide for Women to Masturbate
• 14 Powerful Masturbation Techniques
• How to Finger Yourself for Maximum Pleasure

It's also worth learning all 12 erogenous zones so you can maximize your own pleasure. Read more about erogenous zones here.

2. Bring in Sex Toys

A sex toy is technically still a form of masturbation, but there's so much to say on the subject — and we've written a lot of it — that it deserves its own category. Toys can help you reach orgasm more reliably, take the physical work off your hands, and produce more intense sensations. Plus, they bring variety, and variety keeps things interesting.

Want power? Grab a vibrator. Learn how to use a vibrator. But vibration isn't always what you're after — if penetration is the goal, a dildo is your best bet. Read more about using one for intense orgasms in this post.

And that barely scratches the surface of what's out there…

3. Line Up a Casual Partner

Being in a relationship isn't a requirement for having options. Most women can find a willing partner without too much trouble. Maybe it's an ex (careful there — sleeping with an ex can backfire), or a friend who'd be up for it. Thanks to apps like Tinder, or just a night out at a bar, finding a hookup has never been easier.

Just be smart about safety. Save the hardcore BDSM for later, not the first "date." Want more on the subject? Discover why casual sex is both risky and amazing.

Psst – worried that NSA sex and casual hookups say something bad about you?

4. Burn Off Excess Energy

Is your frustration really about arousal, or is it just pent-up energy with nowhere to go? Tire your body and mind out enough, and that frustrated feeling tends to fade by the end of the day.

A few ways to burn it off:

• Taking on new projects at work.
• Volunteering.
• Spending time at the gym.
• Organizing your home.
• Starting a DIY project.
• Picking up a new (or forgotten hobby).

This is nowhere near an exhaustive list, but it's a starting point. If you're out cold the second your head hits the pillow, sexual frustration probably won't be top of mind.

5. Quiet Your Anxieties

Let's be honest — sexual frustration rarely shows up alone. It often drags along a pile of other worries: missing an ex, fear of never finding love again, doubts about your own desirability. Everyone feels this way occasionally, but letting those thoughts run the show isn't healthy.

Instead, get proactive. Tired of being single? Too much idle time? Try making a new friend or joining a club. Remind yourself just how desirable you are with these 7 steps to feel sexy right now. Take your time.

Feeling better? Great. Those worries may resurface occasionally, but remember — you are not your thoughts.

6. Remind Yourself Sex Isn't Mandatory

Sex is great, no argument there. For some people, it's central to who they are; for others, it barely registers. If you're in the first camp, going without can leave you feeling incomplete.

But the truth is, you don't actually need sex. It has its benefits, sure, but abstaining from it won't harm your health or your life. It might be disappointing, and it can stir up anxiety once a dry spell ends, but it's not a crisis.

Related: How to Get Over Sexual Anxiety One and for All

Once that mindset shift happens, you might feel genuinely lighter. No more scrambling to find a guy, keep his interest, or close the deal.

7. Figure Out What's Actually Driving It

Before anything else, know this: a strong sex drive is generally a healthy thing, even when it leaves you unsure how to handle the frustration. Hormones, medication, and your menstrual cycle can all ramp up libido, and that's perfectly normal.

Occasionally though, it can point to something worth addressing. Persistent genital arousal syndrome is one example — a condition marked by relentless, often uncontrollable arousal [1]. If that sounds familiar, a conversation with your doctor is a good idea.

Discover 5 other reasons you may be so horny.

Frustration can also stem from dealing with ruined orgasms more often than you'd like.

The way you handle sexual frustration determines whether you end up resenting your partner or convinced everyone else is having far more sex than you. You can absolutely be happy without a packed sex life, and learning how to deal with sexual frustration usually takes less effort than you'd think.

November 9, 2020