How Much Does Sex Actually Matter In A Relationship?

At Love Curi, a lot of what we cover centers on strengthening your relationship and improving your sex life by embracing your naughtier side. Plenty of readers have told us how much this resource has helped them, and we genuinely believe a healthy sex life brings real benefits. One question we hear constantly: "How important is sex to a relationship, really?"

Sex can absolutely matter a great deal in a relationship, but we try not to prescribe exactly how important it should be for you, since every couple has to find their own balance between sex and everything else that makes up a relationship. Some people place sex high on the priority list; others don't.

So, How Important Is Sex To A Relationship?

Honestly, it depends. It depends on your specific partner. Sex might carry more weight in a relationship that's otherwise thin on connection. You might simply click better, sexually, with certain partners than others. It might matter enormously early on, then take a back seat once kids or health issues enter the picture. As you age, sex might matter less than it once did — or it might not change at all.

Several factors shape both why sex matters and how much it should. Keep reading to dig into them.

Why Sex Matters To Your Relationship

Sex builds connection. Whether you're having sex because you already feel emotionally close, or hoping it'll deepen that closeness, physical and emotional intimacy tend to move together. That's exactly why sex gets held up as the definitive way to show your partner you love him, even though plenty of other gestures work just as well.

More: 27 intimacy ideas for a better relationship and sex.

Sex offers other perks too. It eases stress, lowers blood pressure, improves sleep, releases feel-good hormones like oxytocin, and even counts as a form of exercise. That's just a partial list of why sex matters. Masturbation and cuddling can deliver some of these same benefits, but why not enjoy them together with your partner instead?

Women want sex too. Media loves to paint men as sex-starved and women as reluctant, but that picture doesn't hold up. One study found over half of men in relationships wished their sex frequency were different — and unsurprisingly, most wanted more [1]! More women reported satisfaction with their current frequency, though among the group wishing for change, roughly a third actually wanted less. Still, that leaves plenty of women wanting more sex than they're currently getting.

You might be the partner with the higher drive in your relationship. Cultural norms still tend to push men toward initiating more often than women, which can leave you with less sex than you'd like. One study even found men are considerably worse than women at picking up on sexual cues [2], so it might genuinely help to start initiating more yourself. And if you happen to be the lower-drive partner, you might be the reason your man isn't getting as much as he'd like.

We recently ran an in-depth study on whether women enjoy receiving oral sex. Overwhelmingly, they do — over 90% report enjoying it.

Be Careful About Overemphasizing Sex

Keep the following in mind as you figure out how much weight to give sex.

Sex isn't everything. It offers real benefits, both personally and relationally, but a relationship is built from far more than sex alone. You share a home, finances, chores, maybe pets, in-laws to navigate. Kids add even more complexity while shrinking your free time. Aging parents, demanding jobs, injuries, and illness all understandably take priority over sex sometimes. If sex genuinely matters to you, you'll need to carve out time for it — and if one partner doesn't see it as a priority, it can easily slip through the cracks.

That can create real friction in a relationship, and that's before factoring in other causes of low sex drive. There's a real balance between letting other priorities come first and drifting into a sexless marriage entirely. That balance looks different for every couple, and there's no universal "right amount" of sex.

Prioritize quality over quantity. Sex can matter enormously to you even without happening constantly. Genuinely great sex less often usually beats mediocre sex all the time. Make sure you're both getting what you need, even on nights when orgasm isn't part of the equation. Slow things down occasionally rather than falling into an autopilot routine that eventually feels stale.

Turning sex into an obligation isn't healthy. Some people crave frequent sex simply because their drive runs high. Others have sex because they feel they "should," to manufacture a sense of connection, or just to keep pace with everyone else. None of those are especially good reasons. Have sex because it's fun, or for any of the genuine benefits already mentioned. Have it because your relationship genuinely improves when you do. Just don't get so wrapped up debating how important sex is that you forget to actually enjoy it.

It's about more than frequency. Sex clearly matters in plenty of ways, but wanting it at the same frequency isn't guaranteed even in a strong relationship. Compatibility around the type of sex you want matters just as much. Real incompatibility here can breed misery, derail a marriage, or even lead to infidelity.

Waiting until marriage for sex is a perfectly valid choice, though not a requirement. In fact, having sex — and talking honestly about it — before committing to a deeper relationship can spare you real heartache down the line. It sets a precedent for productive conversations about sex, helps prevent resentment or guilt from quietly building, and confirms you're actually compatible with this person. For couples who place less weight on sexual compatibility specifically, incompatibility here might not be a dealbreaker at all — which leads to the next point.

Sexual compatibility alone isn't enough. You could have phenomenal sex with someone who makes a terrible long-term partner. Maybe your values don't line up, only one of you wants children, or you're chasing different things from the relationship entirely. Every woman eventually reaches a point where she has to walk away from a man who gives her incredible orgasms, simply because he'll never be the right partner.

Sex might not always be possible. Injury or medical conditions can rule out traditional penetrative sex with your partner. Real love finds ways to adapt — leaning into emotional connection and commitment, or exploring alternatives like phone sex, dry humping, or oral sex. Long-distance relationships call for similar creativity. Sex drive, after all, doesn't disappear just because ability or circumstances change.

Masturbation still counts. Plenty of people assume intercourse is the only path to orgasm and the other benefits sex offers, but that's simply not true. Women enjoy masturbation just as much as men do, even if some come to it later. A little solo time delivers many of the same benefits without needing your partner's schedule or mood to align with yours. There's a bonus too — the better you know your own body, the better you can guide your man toward what actually works for you. Want tips for maximizing solo satisfaction? Check out these techniques.

Hopefully these points have given you plenty to think about when it comes to why sex matters.

So, just how important is sex to a relationship and marriage? Important enough that bumping sex frequency from once a month to once a week produces the same happiness boost as a $50,000 salary increase, according to one survey [3], and increasing frequency from monthly to nearly any other cadence also lifts happiness [4]. Still, sex can stay meaningful to you and your partner even without constant activity, and shifts in frequency and desire over time are completely natural. The real key is finding the right balance for your relationship — which means talking about it, even during the stretches when you're not actually having it!

February 9, 2021