12 Ways to Quiet Sexual Thoughts — And Whether You Should

There's a claim floating around that men think about sex every six seconds, and while that number's exaggerated, women aren't usually far behind in how often sex crosses their minds. Thinking about sex is completely natural, even enjoyable, but if it's crowding out everything else, pushing you toward risky choices, or genuinely unsettling you, it might be time to dial it back. Here's how.

Why Quieting Sexual Thoughts Is So Hard

You've probably heard the classic instruction not to think about a polar bear (or a pink rhino, or literally anything). Tell yourself not to think about something, and it barges into your head more often than if you'd never tried suppressing it at all. The idea traces back to an 1863 Russian text, though people have almost certainly struggled with this far longer than a couple centuries.

There's an actual name for it: ironic process theory [1]. Whatever thought you try hardest to suppress becomes the most persistent, sex included. Social psychologist Daniel Wegner ran a series of studies after identifying the phenomenon, asking participants specifically not to think about bears. You can guess how that went. It's the same mechanism behind constant food cravings while dieting, and why quitting smoking is such a battle.

Where does sex fit in? If your strategy is simply telling yourself "don't think about sex," you're likely setting yourself up to fail. Two mechanisms drive ironic process theory: a monitoring process and a conscious operating process. Balance them well and suppression works better. But actively telling your brain to avoid sexual thoughts keeps it constantly scanning for them, which paradoxically makes them surface more often [2].

If you're wondering how to quiet sexual thoughts given that the direct approach backfires, you're far from alone. Counterintuitive as it sounds, the better path is accepting that sexual thoughts are normal and letting yourself have them occasionally. The harder you try to ban them entirely, the more they tend to show up.

Suppressing certain thoughts might work short-term, but it can rebound even harder later [3], sometimes showing up as risky sex with strangers or skipping condoms. Learn why you should use condoms.

Ultimately, learning to make peace with sexual thoughts beats trying to eliminate them outright. Still, the tips below can help take the edge off.

And if you're dealing with the opposite issue, a genuinely low libido, check out the guide on increasing your sex drive instead.

How To Quiet Sexual Thoughts

Here are twelve strategies for dialing back those thoughts. Mixing a few together usually works best.

1. Have Sex

The most direct route: have sex and let the urge resolve itself. It can genuinely clear your head and free you up to focus on other priorities, especially when the thoughts just won't quit.

It doesn't need to be with someone you love, either. If it's really just an itch that needs scratching, something casual or a one-night stand can do the trick.

2. Masturbate

No partner around? Bringing yourself to orgasm solo can quiet those intrusive thoughts just as effectively. Masturbation delivers many of the same benefits as sex, plus the bonus of skipping the hair, makeup, shaving, or shower prep beforehand.

Check out our orgasmic guide to female masturbation.

3. Stay Occupied

When sex isn't an option, staying genuinely busy can crowd out the thoughts. The key is choosing activities that actually demand focus, a great book, an absorbing game, rather than mindless busywork. You'll be too engaged to even notice whether sex is crossing your mind.

4. Wear Yourself Out

Pick activities that genuinely drain your energy, so you're asleep the second your head hits the pillow. Joining a sports league, marathon training, or volunteering somewhere physically demanding can all leave you too exhausted for much of anything by day's end.

5. Try Conditioning Yourself

You can train yourself toward more sexual desire, so can the reverse work too? It can.

A mild negative stimulus, like a light pinch every time a sexual thought pops up, might reduce their frequency. Just be aware it could backfire, potentially linking negativity to sexual thoughts even when you actually want them later.

6. Turn Your Focus Elsewhere Spiritually

Not for everyone, but some people find that prayer or spiritual connection helps push sexual thoughts aside. At Love Curi, we obviously want people embracing their sexuality, so we're wary of anything that veers into sex-shaming. But if leaning on faith, or any other grounding practice, helps redirect unwanted thoughts, that's entirely your call.

7. Steer Clear Of Triggers

Attractive people at the gym. Your favorite steamy movie. A particular book scene. A song with the right mood.

Find 400+ of those in our sexy song playlist.

What links all of these? They spark thoughts of sex. If you're already prone to distraction and feeling worked up, it's smart to sidestep them where you can. You obviously can't dodge every possible trigger, and if the thoughts come easily, even neutral things might set them off, but you can at least avoid inviting the obvious ones in.

Avoiding triggers also helps if your goal is managing squirting during sex.

8. Deliberately Think Unsexy Thoughts

Few things kill sexual thoughts faster than genuinely unsexy ones. Picture your grandmother, a spreadsheet, or a baseball game. Something a little gross works too, if that's what it takes to break the spell.

9. Address Hormone Levels

Persistent, hard-to-shake sexual thoughts might point to a hormone imbalance. Testosterone, often framed as a "male" hormone, exists in your body too, and higher levels generally correlate with a stronger sex drive.

Diet is one lever for adjusting hormone balance. Boosting estrogen to offset testosterone is another, sometimes through supplements or switching birth control, which brings us to the next point.

Related: How to stop being so horny.

10. Switch Up Your Birth Control

Some intrusive sexual thoughts trace back to your birth control cranking up your libido. If that seems likely, talk to your doctor about switching methods, or moving to a non-hormonal, barrier-based option entirely.

11. Talk It Out With Someone

It might not seem like the obvious fix, but confiding in someone close, a best friend, a sibling, can genuinely help. Joking about how distracting it's been can lighten the load, and simply not feeling alone with it matters. Talking it through also keeps your internal monitoring process from spiraling.

12. Bring It Up With Your Doctor

Most persistent sexual thoughts trace back to unresolved sexual frustration or tension (learn why sexual tension is actually a good thing), but occasionally something more clinical is behind it. Persistent genital arousal disorder is one example, and despite how it sounds, it can genuinely disrupt daily life.

Related: How Accidental Orgasms Happen

If you've worked through this whole list with no luck, a doctor's visit might be the final step. They may suggest medication or lifestyle changes to help ease the pattern.

Still, thinking about sex is entirely normal, everyone does it, some more than others, the same way sex drive itself varies person to person. If it's not derailing your day-to-day life, there's no need to be alarmed. The thoughts might even ease on their own if they're cycle-related, since plenty of women notice a spike in desire right before their period.

That said, if these thoughts are genuinely interfering with your life or straining a relationship, it's worth actively working to dial them back. These steps should help settle things, at least until you're ready to welcome those thoughts again.

October 20, 2020