Does Sex Hurt? How To Make It Less Painful, More Pleasurable

There's a classic song made famous by Nazareth called "Love Hurts." We're all pretty familiar with that idea. We live through it firsthand, act as a sounding board for heartbroken friends, and binge rom-coms hoping to feel better. Honestly, the entire country music industry probably wouldn't exist without heartbreak.

But can sex itself hurt? You've probably never heard a song or watched a movie centered on that particular topic, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. Sex can absolutely hurt, which is basically the opposite of what it's supposed to feel like.

If sex has ever been painful for you, you're far from alone. Psychology Today reported that as many as 80 percent of women have experienced painful penetrative sex at some point. If you're trying to figure out why sex hurts for you specifically, there are several possible explanations. Once you identify the cause, you're well on your way to preventing it going forward. You don't have to just accept painful sex as your reality.

No Foreplay

Movies and TV love showing couples so consumed with each other that clothes come flying off and intercourse starts immediately.

But that's rarely how real sex actually works for most women. Arousal typically builds more slowly for women than for men. Foreplay is usually essential to properly prepare a woman's mind and body for penetration. Skip it, and there may not be enough natural lubrication, which makes sex hurt.

Foreplay includes things like hugging, caressing, and kissing (kissing tips here). Slowly undressing each other is usually far sexier than rushing straight into intercourse with pants barely past the knees and a skirt hiked up in a hurry.

That said, occasionally you might genuinely want that rushed energy, especially when sexual tension has built to an intense point and there's serious chemistry between you both.

That kind of quick, urgent sex works best once you're already fully turned on. Otherwise, foreplay really is necessary. You'll find some excellent foreplay tips here.

Vaginismus

Does penetration hurt every single time, even after plenty of foreplay? That could point to vaginismus. This condition causes involuntary spasming or clenching of the vaginal muscles whenever something tries to enter, whether that's a penis, finger, or even a tampon.

Vaginismus usually stems from anxiety. Once it starts, just the thought of sex can trigger more anxiety, creating a frustrating cycle. Treating the underlying vaginismus is necessary before pain-free sex becomes possible.

Certain exercises can help you learn to relax and control your vaginal muscles. Kegels are especially useful. Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles, hold for two seconds, then release. Repeat this about 20 times, several times daily. After a few days, try inserting a finger halfway into your vagina while doing your Kegels, using lube if helpful. Gradually work up to two fingers, then eventually attempt intercourse again, asking your partner to go slowly.

If the pain feels genuinely unbearable, it's worth bringing up with your doctor.

Vaginal Infections

Both yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis (BV) can make sex painful. A yeast infection causes persistent itching around the vaginal opening, sometimes paired with burning or soreness. When that irritation flares up, sex during that window tends to hurt.

BV is another common vaginal infection, frequently symptom-free, which means many women only discover it during a gynecological exam. When symptoms do appear, they often include fishy-smelling discharge or vaginal soreness. If BV leaves the vagina sore, sex will likely be painful too.

Yeast infections respond well to over-the-counter treatments, while BV requires a prescription from your doctor. Once the infection clears, painful sex should resolve alongside it.

He's Too Big

Few men out there believe a penis can actually be too large, but for some women, sex genuinely hurts with a partner who's especially long or wide. Discomfort often occurs when the penis makes contact with the cervix. Trying different positions can help, being on top, for example, gives you control over depth and movement.

Being aroused before penetration also matters a great deal with a well-endowed partner. Arousal triggers vaginal tenting, where muscles lift the uterus upward, opening up more room inside the vagina. Before tenting occurs, the vagina typically measures about 3 to 4 inches deep, but tenting can extend that to 5 or 6 inches.

Lack of Lubrication

Sometimes there's simply not enough natural lubrication, which can make penetration uncomfortable. Once you pinpoint the cause of the dryness, you can address it directly. Common culprits include:

• Hormonal shifts – Estrogen levels can drop during menopause and after childbirth.
• Medications – Antihistamine-based cold medicine can cause dryness throughout the body, including vaginally.
• Insufficient arousal – Adequate lubrication requires genuine arousal first.
• Irritants – An allergic reaction to soap, perfume, or laundry detergent used on underwear or towels can trigger irritation and dryness down there.
• Anxiety – Stress and anxiety reduce blood flow, which contributes to vaginal dryness.

Your doctor might suggest estrogen therapy to rebalance hormones. Lubricants and vaginal moisturizers are also commonly recommended for dryness.

Nervousness

Both nerves and relationship tension can make sex painful. Feeling anxious or uneasy with a partner causes vaginal muscles to tighten involuntarily. Attempting penetration in that state usually leads to pain.

Talk openly with your partner about feeling nervous. It might actually bring you closer as a couple, potentially easing enough anxiety to let you relax and enjoy yourself. Speaking with a counselor or sex therapist can also help.

Guy Not Interested in Your Needs

Not every woman can reach orgasm through penetration alone. In fact, most can't. Roughly 75 percent of women need direct clitoral stimulation, whether from a hand (great tips on clitoral stimulation here), tongue, or toy, to actually climax. If you fall into that majority and your partner assumes his penis alone should get the job done, that's a genuine problem worth addressing.

Which brings us to another common cause of painful sex.

Bad Communication

If your partner doesn't know how to turn you on (tips on turning yourself on here), you need to be direct and tell him. Have that conversation outside the bedroom, and let him know honestly that your needs aren't currently being met.

Make Sex Pleasurable

You can shift from painful sex to genuinely pleasurable sex with a few changes. Prioritize plenty of foreplay, which really doubles as sex play since many women get turned on enough during it to climax outright.

Use lube, slow down, get fully relaxed, and tell your partner exactly what feels good. Speak up in the moment, whether something feels amazing or not. A simple "yes" or a moan works for good, while shifting position signals otherwise. If penetration remains painful even after foreplay, switch to oral sex instead (blow job tips here) or a hand job (hand job tips here) while he fingers you (tips for fingering yourself here).

About Anal Sex

What about anal? Will that hurt too?

It can.

Anal sex can definitely be painful without proper preparation. Choose the right lube, thicker formulas tend to work better for anal. You'll also need to consciously relax your sphincter and have your partner move slowly. Find more tips on preparing for anal sex here and here, and you might also want to check out these anal sex positions.

Now You Know

You no longer have to wonder why sex hurts. As you can see, there's a long list of potential causes behind painful sex. Once you've identified what's happening for you specifically, you can actually do something about it. In most cases, a little preparation is all it takes to trade painful sex for pleasurable sex and genuinely mind-blowing orgasms. January 17, 2021