Soft Swap Explained: What It Means In Swinging

Setting clear rules is one of the best ways to make swinging feel more comfortable for you and your partner, especially if you're hesitant about dipping into ethical non-monogamy. One approach worth trying to test the waters is the soft swap.

In swinging, there's the hard swap (or full swap) and the soft swap. A hard swap covers the full range of sexual activity, intercourse included. A soft swap, on the other hand, stops short of penetration, usually sticking to manual stimulation, flirting, caressing, kissing, and sometimes oral sex.

Bring your best oral skills to the table with help from our Ultimate Oral Sex Guide.

You'll have sex with one partner (often a man, though not always) while your own partner pairs off with that person's partner. Sometimes, women (or men) explore with someone of the same sex while their partner watches. But at its core, swinging is about swapping partners.

Plenty of people ease into swinging through the soft swap first. It lets them test whether they can handle it without jealousy or negative feelings creeping in. If it feels good, they might eventually move on to the hard swap. Soft swapping gives you a low-pressure way to explore, and if swinging turns out to be your thing, you'll likely find yourself wanting more.

Psst, click here to learn how to deal with jealousy.

Some people bring up the soft swap specifically to gauge how their partner feels about the idea. It can be a gentle way to encourage a hesitant partner to try something new when full sex feels like too big a leap.

Other couples stick exclusively to soft swapping long-term, and that choice doesn't necessarily have anything to do with jealousy at all.

Swinging Terminology

Learning a few swinging-specific terms can help you settle into the lifestyle (a term used for people who are sexually open-minded and into swinging). Some common ones include:

• GG: girl-girl
• Same room: Full swap in the same room
• Bull: a well-endowed man who is interested in casual sex
• Unicorn: a single woman in the lifestyle
• Hall pass: having permission to play without your partner
• Tri-sexual: someone who will try anything once
• Nudist adventure: a codeword for the lifestyle
• Bare back: sex without a condom
• Off premise: when sexual activities take place in a location other than the event, such as hotel rooms
• On premise: sexual activities happen at the event
• House party: a swinging party at someone's home
• Meet & Greet: an event to meet other swingers

Keep in mind each swinging community may use its own variations on these terms.

Soft Swapping And Safer Sex

Soft swapping helps lower the risks tied to sex overall, mainly:

• Pregnancy
• STI transmission

These risks might not cross your mind with a monogamous partner, but swinging opens the door to them. If you decide to try swinging, you may need to rethink how condoms fit into your sex life to manage risk. When penetration is off the table, pregnancy risk drops significantly.

Read: How to Use a Condom

That said, some STIs can still spread even during soft swapping alone. Kissing, oral sex, and skin-to-skin contact can all transmit infections and viruses. HPV, for instance, spreads through skin contact, while herpes can spread through kissing or oral sex.

Skipping intercourse doesn't mean you can afford to be careless. Adding a dental dam to your soft swapping routine is one way to practice safer sex. But there's only so far you can reduce the risk.

Discover more about STIs, including their symptoms and treatments.

Jealousy And Swinging

Just like STIs, jealousy can still show up during soft swapping. If you're not fully secure with the idea of swinging, it won't matter that your partner only went down on someone else, it can still sting. Some people push through the jealousy to keep the swinger lifestyle going. Others pause swinging altogether until their relationship feels sturdier.

But some people find they simply can't manage the jealousy, and that's perfectly fine. Non-monogamy isn't for everyone, and you shouldn't feel pressured into it. If your partner keeps pushing you toward swinging and leans on "it's just soft swapping" as justification, that's not a great sign. It might be time to step away from swinging, and possibly the relationship.

Related: When to Break Up With Someone

Feelings around swinging, even limited to soft swapping, can get complicated fast. You might feel genuinely turned on by the idea while also feeling insecure. You may want to embrace it, yet still feel jealous or resentful if your partner seems to be enjoying it more than you are.

Getting turned on by your partner's experiences with someone else is known as compersion. Learn more about compersion.

Honesty matters here, with your partners and with yourself. It's okay to admit you're nervous. Your partners might be able to ease those worries, or you may realize soft swapping just isn't right for you at this point in your life.

Bottling up those feelings might lead to genuine enjoyment down the road. Or it could leave you quietly stewing in discomfort while unintentionally misleading your partners about how you really feel.

Jealousy shows up often in open marriages too.

Again, there's nothing wrong with feeling some hesitation. That's exactly why soft swapping works so well as a first step for many couples. But how you handle those feelings can either ease the transition or leave lasting damage. It's smart to be upfront with your partner before diving in.

Swinging, soft swap or not, tends to sharpen your communication skills as a couple. Real satisfaction requires both of you to voice your desires and hesitations openly, with plenty of reassurance and check-ins along the way. Swinging isn't for everyone, but the communication skills it builds, especially around sex, are valuable for any relationship. Learn how to talk about sex effectively.

Read this if you wanna know how to make a swinging lifestyle work.

When Things Go Further Than Planned

Picture this: you're fooling around with someone, clothes coming off, and things get pretty intense. It's easy to lose track in the moment. You intend to stop before penetration, but suddenly you're riding someone all the way to orgasm.

This can absolutely happen even when you'd agreed on a soft swap only, and it's worth discussing with your partner ahead of time. Maybe he stuck to non-penetrative activities while you crossed a line you'd both agreed was off-limits.

Figure out as a couple how you'll handle it if this happens. Or find a way to pump the brakes before things escalate that far. Either way, it's a genuine risk built into soft swapping in certain situations.

Get the lowdown on swinging in this swinging podcast with Cooper Beckett.

Soft Swap As Portrayed In Media

Media portrayals of the soft swap can be a bit misleading at times. One version defines it as only having sex with a swinging partner while your romantic partner is present in the room, but that actually contradicts the core rule of soft swapping: no penetration at all.

Another version involves having sex with your own partner while others watch. That's really closer to exhibitionism than actual swinging, since you're still only sleeping with the person you arrived with.

Different couples and communities genuinely do practice their own versions of the soft swap. That's exactly why laying out clear boundaries matters so much, both when negotiating with potential swinging partners and when deciding what's acceptable within your own relationship.

Each couple can build their own rules around the concept of soft swapping. Maybe you're fine with penetration via fingers or a toy, just not penis-in-vagina sex. Some couples allow nearly everything except kissing on the mouth, treating that as something reserved just for each other.

Sticking to whatever rules work for you is completely valid, but every added restriction, including soft swapping itself, can shrink your pool of potential partners. Some people hear "soft swap" and walk away entirely, since they're only interested in the hard swap and its full penetrative sex. They see soft swapping as a lesser version.

Even so, filtering out partners who don't respect your boundaries leaves you with people who actually will. Those are the ones worth spending fun, sexy time with, and you might just find yourself settling comfortably into the swinging lifestyle for good!

January 30, 2021