First Date Sex: The Case For It and Against It

Should I or shouldn't I? That question about sleeping together on a first date probably runs on a loop in your head, both before and during the date itself. This is a personal call, and there's no universally right or wrong answer.

But the decision goes beyond simply wanting to or not wanting to. There's also the matter of what your date will think either way, plus a whole host of other pros and cons worth weighing before you decide.

If you're tired of debating yourself every time a first date rolls around, let's walk through the arguments for and against sleeping together right away.

What Guys Actually Think

First, let's tackle what your date might think of you either way. There's no single answer here, since every guy has his own take.

Con: Some guys lose interest once first-date sex happens. Author Steve Friedman — who's written seven books, including "Lost on Treasure Island: A Memoir of Longing, Love, and Lousy Choices in New York City" — interviewed a number of men on the subject. Here's some of what they told him:

• If she slept with me that quickly, I'd wonder if she does that with everyone.
• I wouldn't want her assuming the whole relationship would move at that same fast pace.
• I'd be wary of someone willing to jump into sex before any real intimacy was established.

Pro: Here's what other men told Friedman they liked about first-date sex:

• The timing of when sex happens doesn't actually signal anything meaningful.
• Great sex early on makes us want more of you. If the chemistry's there after a first-date hookup, that's a win.
• A woman who deliberately makes you wait is treating sex like a bargaining chip. If she sees sex as something to be "given up," she'd probably feel more at home in the 1950s.

That's enough of the male perspective — there's plenty to consider based purely on what matters to you.

Pro: Testing Sexual Chemistry

If sexual chemistry tops your list of priorities, sleeping together on the first date can be a genuinely useful way to gauge whether it's worth pursuing further. Here's how to read the signs:

• First-date sex is less about technique and more about that sense of connection — which is exactly why great date ideas matter so much beforehand. You want to feel swept up in each other, not disconnected.
• Notice how mutual the experience feels, and whether you're both tuned into each other's needs.
• The whole point is enjoyment, so the sex itself should reflect that.

Pro: You Skip the Guessing Game

Dating can feel stilted when sexual tension builds simply because you feel obligated to wait some arbitrary length of time. In that scenario, the actual dating becomes little more than a holding pattern before the "real" event: sex.

Sleeping together on the first date lets you both be genuinely yourselves from the start. You can lounge together in sweats, sharing takeout straight from the container. Why not? You've already seen each other with nothing on.

Pro: A Great Fuck Buddy Candidate

Maybe dinner conversation fell flat, and you already sense this guy isn't the one — but you still want to sleep with him anyway. If your instincts were right and the sex turns out fantastic, congratulations — you may have just landed the perfect fuck buddy.

Finding someone you genuinely click with sexually isn't always easy. A friends-with-benefits arrangement lets you explore your fantasies without the weight of romantic expectations. Plenty of women feel more liberated in bed once romantic attachment is off the table.

Con: It Simply Doesn't Sit Right With You

If sleeping together on a first date goes against your values, don't let anyone pressure you into it. Any guy who pushes you toward something you're clearly uncomfortable with, or who radiates obvious disappointment when you say no, isn't someone worth pursuing anyway.

You know yourself best. If you tend to get emotionally attached after sex, it's smarter to wait. You usually can't be sure after just one date whether you want a deeper connection with this person, and even if you do, there's no guarantee he feels the same.

Con: It Conflicts With Your Beliefs

Among deeply religious individuals, roughly 20 percent choose to wait until marriage. Of that group, about 60 percent are women and 40 percent are men.

While some people report frustration with waiting until marriage, plenty of others feel genuinely satisfied with that choice, especially when it's rooted in faith. They often describe their relationships as working well on every level, without ever compromising their beliefs to make it happen.

Con: You're Holding Out for 'The One'

One cited study found that couples who slept together on the first date reported the worst relationship outcomes overall. If your goal is a lasting relationship, cramming emotional and physical intimacy into a single night is asking a lot of one evening.

Con: The Safety Factor

You've probably vetted a potential house sitter more thoroughly than the guy you're about to sleep with on a first date. STI status rarely comes up in first-date small talk. Unless sex was already the plan going in, condoms might not even be on hand — and even with one, you're still exposed to things like herpes or HPV.

Pro: You're in the Mood for a One-Night Stand

Sometimes you're just in a certain headspace, and only a night of no-strings sex will shake you out of it. If that's genuinely your goal, first-date sex lines up perfectly with what you want. A one-night stand might be exactly what you need if sex is the goal without any emotional entanglement attached.

Pro: You Simply Love Sex

And you already know practice makes it even better. If sex ranks high on your list of relationship priorities, why not make that clear from the very first date? First-date sex is one direct way to do exactly that.

If the chemistry and timing feel right, go for it. Like any first date, this one might blossom into something more — or it might not. If it doesn't, the sex probably wasn't the deciding factor anyway. Eventually you both might simply sense it's time to part ways, sex or no sex. And if you love sex, you'll be glad you didn't hold back.

Whatever you ultimately decide about first-date sex, make sure it's genuinely your call. There's a long list of pros and cons to weigh on this deeply personal topic, and the reassuring news is that plenty of people do sleep together on the first date. Sex is part of a healthy relationship — whenever the timing feels right to you.

December 17, 2020