Dating With Herpes: Everything You Need To Know

A herpes diagnosis can feel like it changes everything overnight. At least, that's how it feels at first. But it doesn't have to derail your relationship or your sex life. Dating with herpes is absolutely doable as long as you stay honest and practice safer sex, and this guide covers both.

What You Need to Know About Herpes

If a sudden sore has you suspecting herpes, or you've just gotten a diagnosis, your head is probably spinning. Between managing discomfort and processing the news, dating is likely the last thing on your mind — and dating is complicated enough already. Let's cover the fundamentals first.

Herpes, or Herpes Simplex Virus 2, is a virus responsible for genital sores. There are at least two strains, and one (HSV-1) also causes cold sores near the mouth. It's actually a relative of chicken pox, which gives you a sense of how uncomfortable an outbreak on your vulva can be.

You can pick up herpes through vaginal, anal, or oral sex.

Sex probably isn't top of mind right after a diagnosis, but it's worth thinking through eventually. There's no real reason to avoid sex with new or existing partners, herpes-positive or not.

Even a partner without symptoms could be among the roughly 80% of people who don't realize they're carrying herpes. Like a lot of STIs, symptoms aren't guaranteed to show up. So if you're getting tested, or already have, encourage him to do the same.

So You Have Herpes

You might be stuck wondering how this happened. Maybe you've always used protection, or haven't had many partners. But herpes doesn't discriminate, and contracting it says absolutely nothing about your character. Anyone who treats people with STIs as dirty or lesser is simply being narrow-minded.

Herpes is far more common than most people assume — your doctor can confirm that, along with the fact that over 25 million adults are living with it. Talk with your doctor about your treatment options too, including daily medications that suppress outbreaks and others that treat active ones.

Beyond your doctor, consider opening up to a trusted friend or your partner. A herpes diagnosis can hit hard emotionally, and it's okay to need support.

Finally, reach out to anyone you've been sexually active with since your last clean STI screening, since they may have been exposed too.

Dating with Herpes

Thanks to the internet, disclosing your herpes status to every match isn't strictly necessary anymore. Dedicated dating platforms exist specifically for people with a diagnosis, sidestepping the awkward conversations and transmission worries entirely.

Obviously, this shrinks your dating pool, and finding real connection is hard enough without added filters. Still, it's worth considering. If you're pursuing someone without herpes, here's how to navigate that.

When to Tell Him You Have Herpes

Start by taking a breath. Disclosing a herpes diagnosis is never simple, and the very first time tends to be the hardest. It generally does get easier with practice, though, so try not to pile on extra sexual anxiety.

You also don't owe every date this information. If a first date clearly isn't heading anywhere serious, there's no obligation to bring it up. That said, some people with herpes prefer disclosing early to filter out anyone who won't be okay with it. Others mention it often and openly as a way of chipping away at the stigma. Still others wait until there's more of a connection, hoping that bond makes a partner more likely to stay. It's entirely your call.

Some people even drop the fact they have herpes into as many conversations as possible because it helps destigmatize it. Other people wait until they've got more of a rapport with their dates in hopes that it will encourage their partner to stick around even after disclosure. It's up to you, but don't let it drag on too long.

What matters most is telling your date once sex looks likely — not afterward. Don't wait until things are already heating up, since panic or forgetting precautions can happen in the moment.

Try This Script

If you suspect sex might happen by, say, the third date, consider raising it early in that date. Plenty of people struggle to find the right words, so here's a starting template:

I really like [or am attracted to] you and would like to take this further, but I think we should talk about our sexual histories first.

From there, explain your diagnosis, how you manage it, and the safer-sex precautions you take to avoid passing it on. Facts can help reassure your date — for instance, dating someone with herpes doesn't guarantee they'll contract it too. Being well-informed can make all the difference in whether he's able to accept it.

This conversation also naturally opens the door to discussing his STI status, ensuring you're both practicing safer sex and testing regularly.

Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best

It's a weighty conversation, but it might turn out to be less dramatic than you're bracing for (which tends to be true of talking about sex generally). Confidence goes a long way toward keeping things smooth. Don't assume rejection is coming — your date might look it up on the spot, ask a few questions, or simply accept it right away.

Of course, there's always a chance he reacts badly. Herpes still carries a lot of unfair stigma.

Sometimes a partner just needs time to process, and may come back later to apologize if their initial reaction wasn't great. It might end up being a non-issue, but give him space if he asks for it.

Unfortunately, some people just won't be able to accept a herpes diagnosis — maybe due to a compromised immune system, or because they've already dealt with another STI and aren't willing to take on additional risk. If that happens, you'll need to process the rejection.

Herpes Means Safer Sex

Even if it takes some searching, you'll eventually find someone open to being with you. Once you do, safety still matters. That means using condoms even between outbreaks, since herpes can spread even without visible symptoms thanks to viral shedding.

Condoms cut transmission risk by roughly 30-50%. There's still some chance of transmission since herpes spreads through skin-to-skin contact that a condom can't fully cover, but the risk reduction is significant enough to make condoms worthwhile every time.

Since oral sex can also transmit herpes, use condoms whenever oral is involved. Getting oral herpes from performing oral sex is rare, but someone with oral herpes can more easily pass genital herpes this way. The same goes for anal sex — condoms help prevent transmission there too.

Suppressive medication is another option, cutting down on painful outbreaks and slashing transmission risk by nearly half. Steer clear of anything that might trigger a flare-up, including products with L-Arginine [3], an ingredient found in some personal lubricants and fitness supplements.

Other common triggers include your period, stress, injury, or illness — largely the same things that can bring on a cold sore.

If an outbreak does happen, treat it promptly. Your doctor can prescribe antiviral medication for active outbreaks if you're not already on a suppressive one [4].

Once disclosing your status and practicing safer sex becomes routine, you'll likely find life hasn't changed nearly as much as you feared. Dating with herpes is far from impossible — it's not the end of anything. Herpes doesn't define you; it's simply one part of you, and plenty of people out there will find all of you desirable and worth loving, herpes included.

December 17, 2020