Topping From the Bottom: What It Means And Why It Causes Problems

Spend any time in BDSM or D/s community spaces, and you'll inevitably run into someone complaining about topping from the bottom, usually with a disapproving tone. It's framed as both widespread and undesirable. So what exactly is topping from the bottom, and how do you steer clear of it if it threatens to undermine your relationship?

In a typical BDSM scene or D/s dynamic, one partner takes the top role (dominant, Master, and so on) while the other takes the bottom role (submissive, slave, and so on). Each role carries expectations — the bottom carries out what the top asks (bottoming), while the top provides guidance and care (topping). When a submissive steps beyond that role and starts steering the scene or relationship instead, that's what's known as topping from the bottom.

What Topping From the Bottom Looks Like

This behavior can show up in several forms:

• Flat-out refusing commands
• Simply ignoring instructions
• Second-guessing orders out loud
• Reopening scene negotiations after terms were already settled
• Attempting to negotiate or bargain with the top mid-scene
• Directing the top on what they should be doing
• Deliberately messing up on purpose

Some behaviors that look similar actually aren't topping from the bottom. Begging, for instance, is a normal part of many scenes — a submissive might beg for more, or for a harder spanking. Begging a dominant to stop can also be part of the scripted dynamic itself.

When a bottom genuinely needs a scene paused or ended, a safeword is the tool for that — and using one is never topping from the bottom either. It exists purely to protect both partners' safety and peace of mind.

Find out more about staying safe in BDSM.

IMPORTANT: Steer clear of any top or dominant who disregards safewords, or who tries to convince you that following safety protocols equals topping from the bottom. Even as a total newcomer to BDSM — especially as a newcomer — you're entitled to voice what you want to try, state your limits, and insist on whatever makes you feel secure.

It's also worth noting that offering feedback isn't topping from the bottom either. A submissive asking for things harder, softer, faster, or slower is simply working to maximize enjoyment of the scene.

And sometimes a scene can resemble topping from the bottom simply because the top identifies as a service top or dominant — a style of dominance centered on fulfilling the submissive's wishes. In that case, the bottom naturally tends to get what they want, which can look like control from an outsider's perspective even though it isn't.

The Trouble With Topping From the Bottom

Several factors make this behavior genuinely problematic. First, a dominant and submissive should have already hashed out how the scene would unfold before it started. If the submissive tries to seize control mid-scene, that ground should already have been covered — potentially even locked in via a BDSM contract. Once things begin, the window for renegotiation has closed.

Learn more about BDSM contracts and consent here.

Second, topping from the bottom functions as a form of manipulation, which is unhealthy in any relationship dynamic, kink or otherwise. It undermines honesty and openness and stunts growth for both partners — and it can leave lasting damage on both the current relationship and future ones.

A well-functioning BDSM dynamic is meant to foster intimacy and personal growth, which is part of why practices like domestic discipline appeal to some couples. Read more about domestic discipline in this post.

Given all that, why does bottom topping happen so frequently anyway? There are a handful of common explanations.

Common Reasons Subs Top From the Bottom

Testing their dominant's resolve.

A particularly stubborn submissive might push back specifically to confirm their dominant is equally firm and capable of reining them in. In that light, topping from the bottom can function almost like a challenge, nudging the top to assert tighter control. If the top can't rise to that, the bottom might eventually look elsewhere for a partner who can.

Some submissives lean into a more bratty dynamic altogether, with the dominant responding by keeping them in check. Plenty of tops embrace a bratty bottom dynamic, though certainly not all do.

An inexperienced top.

New dominants are especially prone to encountering this issue simply because they're still learning how to top effectively. They may also err on the side of leniency while finding their footing in the role. Paired with a strong-willed or more experienced submissive, an inexperienced top can easily end up on the receiving end of control instead.

The "submissive" isn't actually submissive.

Sometimes people venture into BDSM while cast in the wrong role entirely. Someone drawn to power exchange might try on the submissive label while actually being naturally dominant, leading them to top from the bottom without quite realizing it.

Take this quick quiz to find out whether you skew more submissive or dominant.

Both partners are switches.

A switch is someone comfortable in either role, though many switches still lean naturally toward one side. Bottoming in a scene with someone naturally less dominant than you creates an easy setup for slipping into topping from the bottom.

Unresolved trust issues on the bottom's side.

A bottom who's new to the scene, new to a particular top, or new to a dominant altogether might struggle to trust and truly let go. That struggle can manifest as disobedience or ignored commands mid-scene. Hesitation here is completely natural, which is exactly why new partners shouldn't rush into intense play. It's also worth openly discussing any fears with your dominant so they can avoid unintentionally triggering you or causing lasting harm.

Talk through safewords ahead of time so you know the scene can end whenever necessary. That reassures the submissive that their safety comes first, and reassures the dominant that they won't unknowingly cross a boundary.

Related: How To Be More Dominant In The Bedroom! [Kinky]

Conversations about sex aren't always easy, and we get that. That's exactly why we put together a guide to help. Check out our guide to sexual communication for tips on discussing scene safety, sexual needs, and more.

Fixing the Habit of Topping From the Bottom

Unsurprisingly, communication is central to breaking this pattern — and it's one of the 8 core BDSM rules worth always following. Once fears and desires are on the table, you may find you can continue on as a more compliant bottom, or you might realize this particular pairing simply isn't working and it's time to find a different partner.

The responsibility for starting that conversation doesn't rest solely on the submissive, either. A good dominant pays close enough attention to their partner to notice signs of tension, hesitation, or doubt. If you're in the top role, watch for discomfort and initiate that talk yourself — sometimes people aren't even aware enough of their own patterns to flag them.

Responding with anger is never the right move for a dominant. Often, the better call is to pause the scene entirely and step away, cutting off any further stimulation for the bottom. That gives you space to figure out an appropriate consequence, or to plan how you'll address the issue together later.

When safety isn't a concern and any underlying fears have been addressed, tops also have the option of actively training a submissive out of this pattern.

Training essentially means reinforcing behaviors you want to see more of while discouraging the ones you don't. That gets trickier if your submissive genuinely enjoys pain, like a masochist who loves spanking (here's the full rundown on erotic spanking) — obviously spanking wouldn't function as punishment there. In fact, withholding that kind of play might land as the more effective consequence.

Consistency matters above all. You can't let topping from the bottom slide sometimes while cracking down on it other times.

Within D/s relationships (more on those here), consequences can extend beyond the bedroom entirely. A dominant might respond to topping from the bottom by restricting video game time or grounding their submissive in some way.

Training a submissive is a deep topic on its own that we won't fully unpack here, but it remains one effective route to correcting this pattern. The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book are both worth a read for deeper insight into how these roles interact.

Ultimately, your BDSM dynamic is whatever you and your partner make of it. Whether you gravitate toward being a service top or embracing a bratty submissive role, both can work beautifully with the right partner. But topping from the bottom in a dynamic where the roles haven't actually been agreed upon almost always signals a deeper issue — one worth addressing quickly if you want a relationship that stays healthy and satisfying.

November 29, 2020