5 Kinds of Mommy Issues That Could Sabotage Your Relationship

Mommy issues — even the phrase carries a negative charge. Nobody wants to date someone with unresolved baggage. But what does it actually mean when someone has this kind of issue, is there anything to be done about it, and could you be carrying your own version tied to your own mother?

Why Do Mommy Issues Even Matter?

The widely held theory is that our early bonds with parents and caregivers shape every intimate relationship we go on to have. Grow up with parents who were warm, present, and supportive, and romantic relationships — friendships too — tend to come more naturally. But rocky parental relationships, whether from a distant or a smothering parent, make healthy adult relationships considerably harder to build.

Psychologists take this further, tying relationship patterns to your bond with the parent of the opposite sex (assuming heterosexuality). So your relationship with your father in particular tends to shape which men you gravitate toward and how you show up in those relationships. This might explain your type.

Which brings us to this: if a guy's relationship with his mother is complicated, he may be carrying mommy issues of his own — and those issues could end up making your life difficult too!

What Mommy Issues Actually Look Like

Mommy issues can be serious enough to be a dealbreaker, but what do they actually show up as day to day?

1. She Hovers Over Everything

No matter where your guy goes, his mother's influence follows. He may struggle to make his own decisions since she always made them for him. Even everyday household tasks might feel unfamiliar because, once again, she handled everything.

He'll likely side with her no matter what, deferring to her opinion by default. If you ever clash with her, he may freeze up over whose side to take, or automatically pick hers. That's not a great sign for your relationship — it's tough to feel like partners when he's still tethered to her apron strings.

Even if she makes him unhappy, breaking free might feel impossible for him because healthy boundaries were never established between them.

Sometimes a man raised by a domineering mother ends up choosing a partner who's similarly harsh, simply because he never developed the backbone to stand up to Mom. That obviously puts you in a tough spot — and in-laws are complicated enough as it is.

2. She Kept Her Distance

Whether his mother worked constantly, left while he was still young, or repeatedly chose whichever boyfriend was around over her own son, your guy is likely carrying some mommy issues from it. He'll probably respond to that history with insecurity. He'll fear any woman will eventually leave, just like she did, and he might still be trying to prove his worth to his mother in hopes she'll finally stay.

It's easy to understand how a rough childhood would be hard to shake off, but nobody wants to inherit that fallout in their adult relationships. His insecurity is likely to be fairly visible.

A guy afraid of being left behind might become clingy. He might resist you having male friends, going out without him, or spending time apart at all. A hard time trusting others is a common byproduct of mommy issues. He may need constant reassurance and worry he's not enough for you, even if he's genuinely a great catch.

If this sounds draining, that's because it is. It's rough for him too, though he may not even recognize it if he's lived with these patterns his whole life.

3. He Treats Women Badly

Maybe he lies, cheats, or takes advantage of people. Whatever shape it takes, he hasn't learned how to treat women decently. This behavior might trace back to a father who mistreated his mother, meaning he's dealing with daddy issues layered on top of mommy issues.

Related: What Are Daddy Issues?

It's possible his poor treatment of women started as a defense mechanism after his mother mistreated him, but that doesn't mean you should have to absorb it. If the behavior crosses from rude into something worse, you could end up in an unhealthy or even abusive dynamic.

4. Nobody Measures Up

This tends to pair with an overbearing or overly close mother-son bond. If his mom always insisted he deserved only the best, he may hold impossibly high standards for any partner. If she's his image of perfection, meeting his expectations will be a struggle — assuming he even gives you a real shot.

Guys who believe they're flawless, despite nobody actually being so, often end up bouncing between partners endlessly. They stay single because they refuse to "settle." If you don't check every box — fit, successful, great at cooking and housekeeping, and so on — you may barely get a second look, let alone a second date.

Of course, nobody is perfect, this guy included. But suggest ways he might grow, and he probably won't take the criticism well. He may lash out instead of listening.

5. He Might Struggle to Function as an Adult

A classic mommy-issue symptom is total helplessness with basic life skills. If your guy can't cook, do laundry, manage a budget, or make his own bed, mommy issues could be the reason. His mother likely did everything for him rather than teaching him to do it himself — she was focused on babying him instead of raising a capable adult.

You can probably guess what comes next. Yes, he expects you to pick up the slack. Why wouldn't he? He's never had to.

Naturally, your role is to be his partner, not his second mother. Getting him to understand that, though, is easier said than done.

Mommy Issues Don't Just Fade Away

Like any relationship struggle, mommy issues can spiral into all kinds of trouble. You might grow exhausted with a guy who seems immature, insecure, entitled, and impossible to satisfy. Resentment can build from there, potentially pushing you toward decisions you'll later regret.

The good news is these patterns can be worked through — but only if he's willing to acknowledge that his issues stem from his relationship with his mother. He'll need to accept feedback and put in the work, which might mean professional help.

The fix depends on the situation. Sometimes it just takes him maturing, learning to understand you, and pitching in around the house. Other times, the two of you may need to set firm boundaries with his mother — limiting how often he talks to or sees her, or even how close he lives to her!

He may need to make clear to her that you come first. She might not take that well, and the relationship between them could suffer as a result. She may eventually come around, but that's never guaranteed. He may have to choose between an unhealthy attachment to his mother that spills over into your life together (and any future kids) or a more distant relationship with her that lets the two of you stay healthy and happy.

If he's not mature enough to own his flaws and put in effort to grow, walking away might be the wiser choice.

You Might Have Mommy Issues of Your Own

While we've focused so far on a guy carrying mommy issues, it's worth acknowledging that you can carry them too. Picture how the patterns above would look coming from you instead. You might be overly critical, fear abandonment, or hold a partner to standards he could never realistically meet. And if both of you bring your own baggage to the table, the combination can create even bigger problems.

Obviously, that's no better than dating someone else with mommy issues. But when the issue is your own, it's often harder to spot. It's generally easier to notice someone else's shortcomings than to turn that same lens on yourself.

That's not to say these patterns can't be uncovered and addressed — they absolutely can. It just requires a willingness to ask tough questions, welcome honest feedback, and accept that you're not flawless either. None of that makes you unworthy of love, though.

One thing you might realize is that an unhealthy bond with your own mother skews how you judge other people's relationships with theirs. If you don't recognize how controlling your mother is, you might let her overstep into your own life without noticing. That can be tough on any partner — and it might also lead you to assume your guy isn't close enough with his mother, even when their closeness is perfectly healthy.

The reverse can also hold true. If you're fiercely independent and keep your own mother at arm's length, a warm, close parent-child bond might strike you as excessive or smothering. You need to zoom out and look at the full picture, not just your own relationship, to spot whether mommy issues are actually in play.

If you've traced a problem in your relationship back to your partner's mommy issues, the instinct to bolt might kick in. Sometimes that really is the right call. But if he genuinely seems open to growth and self-improvement, there's a real chance you two can build something happy and healthy together.

December 4, 2020